Tawdry Editing

I worked on art all day today because the buses weren't running, and then later I heard they were but on special routes, and in the end I didn't go to work for the second day because there is snow all over the friggin place. But I think the buses are running mostly normally tomorrow.
Unfortunately I don't remember what time I am supposed to be at work. I shall have to inquire via email.
Anyway, I drank four cups of coffee and edited ALL DAY! I put one thing in that I kind of want to take out now, because it doesn't fit. It just doesn't feel right. It's NASA footage and I think I should use it, if ever, in another project. I don't want to use the same clip over and over again. People will think I am super in love with it, when I merely find it useful.
That's just tawdry editing.
I finally saw the end of a documentary I was in, in an APTN series called Storytellers in Motion III. One episode is ALL about me! I laughed so much, ha ha ha, both as a viewer and as a participant. Everything I said I would giggle about. I never realized I did so much giggling. Also I said the C word, ON TELEVISION! Ho-la!
Well that was just too funny, my Mum and Auntie were watching at the same time, along with my friend Laurel and her Auntie. And quite possibly Laurel's mom as well. But you know, it's on television, I'm sure lots of people saw it.
And if you want to see it too, you should start watching APTN.
I'm trapped with all this snow, or I was. We got 35cm in two days, a huge fluffy white DUMP on the province, and quite possibly Winnipeg as well! Mum says it came from California. I hope it didn't bring any H8 with it.
But I just saw what looked like the number 4 go by. I'm almost positive. Not something out of Sesame Street, no, a BUS!!
I'm liking this being productive, now if I can just work it into my rest of the week, I think I will actually be done my video!!! I'm using a lot of creative commons\public domain shit. It makes me a little nervous! I want to be able to show it on t.v. if anyone cares to, because then I would make some money!! It would be nice to earn some kind of living from my practice.
There, I just watched the whole thing through and wrote down the exact things I need to do to finish it! I am going to get someone to come and look at it and tell me what they think, hmm, who should I get> Mum will only come if it's clean!
I did clean a bit today, it's a bit nicer. Not nice. Nicer.

Big Emergency 2010

Luke had a BIG EMERGENCY this January. He had been off of his medications since November and shortly after his mother left town after the holidays he ended up stabbing himself and being rushed to the hospital after police wrestled the knife away from him. He stabbed his body and his eyes. BOTH of them.

So it's been a few weeks of him being at RUH in the observation unit and THEN he has recently moved to another hospital which has a psych ward. He looked pretty sad when I first saw him, he was pretty out of it with being not-sane AND being on heavy duty pain meds and tranks, not to mention the damage to his body. But today I saw him and he's doing way better, he gets better everyday. He's making more sense now, although he doesn't like to leave his room much. I think he is mostly frustrated that he can't see.

Luke can't see. He is blind. It's pretty friggin intense and I feel for him. His eyes are looking better than they were, the scarring isn't that bad, but it looks pretty rough still. He's going to need some cosmetic surgery on some of his scars and some rehabilitation to deal with whatever sight he has left and his ability to get around. I am hoping he at least can see some light and shadows, because that's what my friend Preston can see and he is fairly independent, him and his cane.

One time Preston, Deanna, and I were having a conversation about caning and SM and he suddenly said "I have a cane" "Really> Let's see it!" He of course pulled out his cane he uses to walk with. We had a good laugh.

Soon Luke will be moved, along with all the other psych inpatients in Saskatoon, to the Irene and Leslie Dube Centre for Mental Health. Which is right where my old psych ward, Hantelman, was. I am going to the Irene and Leslie Dube Centre for Mental Health on Wednesday during their open house to see the new facilities. When I was an inpatient back in 2007 I only saw blueprints for the new ward. I remember it was shaped kind of like a big gun. My main concern is that there be individual rooms, not the gawdawful double occupancy rooms of yesteryear, that keep you from being able to jack off. Yeah yeah there's a curtain but I still make noises, and it is embarrassing when you are someone like me who takes an average of 20 minute to come!

And masturbation is important to people's mental health. Everyone except for people trapped in sex rehab, where it is banned! Poor Tiger. I think masturbation is important for daily release of stress, I am appalled by all situations where people can't masturbate because of their living quarters. It's really sex negative.

Okay, back to the main topic, no more digressions on transgressions and their emissions!

Anyway, they say the new building is beautiful, and it also has a lovely view of the river. NONE OF WHICH LUKE WILL BE APPRECIATIVE OF NOT BEING ABLE TO SEE!!! But hopefully they have some good activities he can engage in, I was told they had a hot tub but no one took me down there when I was an inpatient.

I remember the ward for really dangerous\super crazy people was downstairs, and when I went down there to get weighed this white girl hissed at me "You don't know what traditional is!!!" Which I found kind of intimidating, for various reasons. Mostly that it's a charge often leveled at indigenous people by other indigenous people who feel indigenousier than thou. Also that it was a white girl telling me this.

Later I met her on the grounds having a smoke, and she told me she got messages off of her vision box. I didn't know if she meant television, but I didn't want to inquire.

Ah, the messages, and herein lies the rub. Many messages get relayed to one during a period of "craziness," and some, believe it or not, are actually very positive and irrevocably change humanity for the better. Other messages are not so good, case in point, poor Luke. I don't think he even knows why he did it, and I sure as hell don't know. I can surmise that it had something to do with what he was seeing and didn't want to see. But I really don't know. And we really don't know how much of his vision he will get back.

He says today he was yelled at by some guy in the movie room for complaining that he couldn't see what was going on. He told us when he gets his sight back he is going to find that guy and challenge him to a fight. Oh Luke.

Don't forget about The Art!

I have forgotten about The Art. It's sitting on my computer in the drive named Parker Posey, because I had a crush on her from the scene in DAZED AND confused where she is yelling "Suffer Bitches!" And spraying freshman with ketchup and mustard. Anyway, The Art is sitting there, needing some attention. Some high detail pruning and applying of sound and MORE visuals. It's a really pretty piece of Art, I think. But in between working and having a life, I haven't devoted myself to finally finishing it.

It needs a voiceover, for one thing. And it needs some more titles, and the entire list of credits is ALL Cuthands. It makes me feel funny, like there must have been more people to thank. But no, it was mostly us. I'm glad people were interested enough that it was made. I hope it finds an audience.

But I've been neglecting me Art, and this was the year I was going to go hard on my career. It's terrible. Tsk tsk.

To be fair a family emergency did greet us in 2010, and that has involved a lot of phone calls and some hospital visits and then just general worry time. Art totally gets interrupted by life, and sometimes for good reason.

xcx says the cat!

Later, like a few days later, I am finishing this post. Well, I have still been neglecting the art, although I did digitize an old tape of mine from 1999 and got some stills and deinterlaced them and compressed a MPEG 4 of it and loaded it onto Facebook. It's not as perfect as I would like, but I always end up going some different route to get it to upload and no matter what I do it looks weird on my end. I hate watching videos online actually, I would prefer to go and see them in a dark room with other people. Especially the sexy videos.

Once I sat next to this woman I liked, and we were watching something and I forget what, but she made a wet noise! I have no idea how else to describe it. I have often wondered what she was doing! Sometimes I really do never find out these things.

My perfect idea of the afterlife is that we just get to ask questions and get answers. Like "What was the wet noise> Who ate the pube cake> What was HER name> Did Jesus really live and do all those things> What did the very first language sound like> What were those lights over Cranberry Flats> And why oh why do people go crazy>" And then I could move on, ya know, these things wouldn't be WEIGHING ON MY MIND!

But maybe life will always insist on keeping it's mystery. There will always be more questions.

Mister likes Pistachios, Cheezies, and Hot Rods. He's quite the Sausage.

Do I like being marginalized> I don't know why I am asking myself this question. It's just that I was going to write "Do I like living on the fringes of society>" and then thought I was really meaning marginalization. In either case, the answer is no. It leads to a lot of hunger and issues with clothing and proper housing. Not that I am currently suffering from any of those issues, but I have in the past and then the future is always unclear. I've also seen a lot of other persons with overlapping marginalized identities struggle for basic things other people take for granted. Like finding a job, or being able to support themselves on a limited income. It's rough.

Plus if there aren't any representations of your particular situation, you feel the need to create some so you don't feel so alone. Actually, that is probably a good part about being marginalized, the creative things which come out of living with that kind of oppression.

Not that you should oppress people just so they make good art. OMG! Colonizing the arts!

I work with video, but that was invented in like, 1951. It's not a precontact specifically European medium. I dunno, there really are very few mediums out there that only one group of people uses. Like, everyone's had some kind of paint and some kind of fabric design and you know, the list goes on. Everyone carves! I used to do carving. But I dunno, that was a long time ago.

Diversified Diversions and Career Building: The Themes of 2010

Last year I was trying to tackle WAY too many precise goals, and accomplished maybe ONE of them. I AM NOW MARGINALLY CLEANER! I did not kick any of my addictions for significant periods of time though.

So THIS year, I have decided to take a different route towards the same end. I am going to find MORE fun things to do that DON'T fall under the category of substance use. And I am going to try to do them sober. It's a challenge, but if I can get the hang of it, I hope to channel it into accomplishing my second goal for 2010: Building my filmyvideoey career up, and also getting more employable skills.

It's fun to work on my career, except for sometimes, like when I have to get it in the mail before 4:30 or whatever. Deadlines stress me out. It's probably why my hair is so thin. ha ha!

Anyway, those are the two personal things I am going to try and work on this year. The end result will be a more active career again with the possibility of finding a way to be a mostly full time artist, and also the ability to have fun without getting blotto, and thus being able to have a broader sense of life than the relatively narrow constraints I live in with my addictions. I'm tired of wanting to leave places so I can go home and get stoned. I'd like to be able to just stay drinking tea with a friend until the bus before bedtime, not caring about sucking on some burning leaves. But I'm not ready to completely give up. Just be more well rounded. Even though I just found out my local offsale does delivery.

And I want to make more INCREDIBLE art and get more FAMOUS and fall in love with a beautiful WOMAN who will be in love with me for being a FAMOUS ARTIST! Well not quite, that sounds kinda shallow actually.

So maybe I will write about That this year.

I also realize I haven't written about a major thing which has happened in my family. I don't want to disrespect anyone, so I think I will write about it and how it is impacting us another time when I am not sleepy. Just suffice it to say that my cousin who was my best friend when I was a kid got off his meds and got sick and hurt himself pretty badly. And he is in the hospital right now and those of us who are spiritual are praying and those of us who are atheists are sending positive thoughts to him. He's getting visits from us and his mom is here with him. I am glad that the police were able to come to his aid and I really wish he could see. It's made me think a lot about how fragile humans are. And how much I wish he knew he was loved.

Welcoming 2010

Well remember I said I was going to that rave Well, I didn't think I would be able to stay the whole while. I was sure I was going to get bored and feel old and come home. But I didn't!! I had a wicked time with these friends of Carrie's and we danced and drank and sat and went out into minus 30 weather for smokes until about 5:30 when we headed over to Carrie's and just hung out talking and picking records to play in this intensely random way. It was lovely! And we got to talk NERD talk, like software and equipment and art! And we traded bad art stories and stayed up. And we stayed up until 10 and then I came back home cause they were all preparing for bed. I usually don't sleep at all after a night like that.
It was so much fun and I made new friends!!! I'm glad the night turned out like that, it was more fun than last year. Not all of my New Year's Eves are memorable, but this one was.
OMG! And New years right at midnight was the seventeenth anniversary of me discovering I was a lesbian. I was hugging my cousin's girlfriend at midnight (god, she's probably reading this right now!) and I just realized I really REALLY liked her breasts pressing against mine. And that was when the light went on and I was like, This IS SERIOUS! I'm fourteen years old and I'm a lesbian! And I knew immediately too that I had a definite preference for women. I realized no man felt right to hug, but she DID and it was amazing and also terrifying at the same time. And I didn't know what the next step was. I kept a terrible secret for a month and twenty two days and then I sat my mother down and came out to her and immediately burst into tears because it was so SCARY! And my mom was totally cool and picked me up some lesbian books from the Ottawa Women's Bookstore while she was doing a council jury. And she was the very first person I ever told.
My mum and I are kind of a set. when I lived in Vancouver I would call her every day, sometimes just with nothing to say but I wanted to hear her breathing. And since moving back here I have been able to spend a lot more time with her.
One really nice thing I did with my mom this New Year's Eve was I cooked a totally new recipe from Jamie Oliver's Food Revolution cookbook. Ground Beef Wellington. It was SOOOOOOO good! It was impressive and not that hard to make. And because my apartment was clean we spent time at MY place for a change. Mum only ever comes inside to clean otherwise, and then she never wants to just goof around. But my new years project totally spruced the place up and she actually took her coat off and hung around!!
It is so nice to come home to a clean house.
My kitten is getting in the way of me writing. She likes to be as close to me as my pet dog, no, even closer because he doesn't mind spending time on the couch while I'm at the desk.
My kitten still has no name. She is so cute, but I haven't hit on the right name for her yet. She's really loving and funny and sweet. She's SO different than Schrodinger. Schrodinger was more independent.
Well, I don't have much else to say. I could prattle on but somehow I feel like my ability to think of something of importance has abandoned me.

More Better New Years Eve!!

Happy New Year's eve!!! I am going to a rave named after sex workers standing in the cold. Kinda strange that bit I know. My friend Carrie Gates is VJing at it so she scored me a ticket. I am not sure what to expect, I haven't been to a rave in a really long time. I don't know how late I will be able to stay out either, I kind of want to wind up chilling in my apartment for the later part of the night. I find that much safer if altered states of mind are involved, to end up back in a residential property with a small handful of friends. Or one other friend. Or my cousin who sleeps on the couch sometimes when she wants to stay past the late bus.

I won't be seeing my cousin though, she's doing something else. So it will be kinda weird, logically we usually just always hang out with each other. But I'm trying to branch out a bit friend-wise. Just because it's getting lonely when it's always my one best friend. I need some variety. I need MORE people to sleep on the couch, or in my bed. But probably the couch. It's a good couch for sleeping on.

My mom and Laurel and I have this ongoing joke about the perfect personals ad to hook a Native man would have pictures of the television with cable box, the opened well stocked refrigerator, and the couch. It's perfect really, all the essentials are there! The rest is just minor details.

For anyone really, that is pretty sexy when I think about it. I would answer a personals ad like that.

I wanted to take pictures of my clean apartment and post them online, but I haven't washed the dog stain off the floor yet and I feel like it would just disturb people. And I don't want to wash the floor right now because it's late and I don't want to keep the neighbor up. Plus Mum always said cleaning at night was a sign of madness. And I'm trying not to do so many mad things. Maybe just a few. Writing at night could be considered mad, but not if you knew writers.

Wait, let me back up again, does it seem creepy that I would post pics of my clean apartment online/ I didn't think so myself. I once took pictures of a moderately messy apartment of mine and emailed them to a friend who I was commiserating with on living messy lives. But I never sent her the worst mess, I was just too ashamed. Ha ha! But I'm just so PROUD of having a clean apartment, I want to show it off. But I don't like having that many people in my apartment at a time. It's like a virtual tour. But the facebook version.

Horders is an intense program. I'm glad I've kept A&E so I could watch that and Intervention.

Anyway, Mum said that since I cleaned up she could see that I wasn't a hoarder, I was just lazy.

Is that better/

Or as my cousin would say, More Better/

My question mark key no longer functions, so all of those forward slashes should be replaced by a question mark, because I'm the author and I say so.

The Kitten is Here and Xmas is OVAH!

I guess I should talk about the new kitty. She has been here for one week and two days. She is a tortoiseshell Manx kitten and about 6 or 7 months old. She's extremely friendly and purring almost ALL the time! She's super special, my friend Shavonne hooked me up with her, one of her friends was giving her up because of various reasons, and even Shavonne fell in love with her which is funny because she isn't a pet person.

Poor kitty had to be alone all during Christmas and last night when I got back she was attached to me all night. She kept stealing my pillow and purring right near my face.

She was growly, hissy, and spitty to little Mister for the first week, but now she has gotten used to him and goes right up to him and sniffs him. She hasn't figured out that he is a potential play partner yet. He's great at playing with cats. I suspect they will figure that out soon.

She has a little stub of a tail and doesn't know how to clean her bum properly yet.

Her name is Lynxa, and I am trying to figure out if I want to change it.
It's time to go to bed and I'm not done writing! :( I will try to write more tomorrow!

Creativity!!! Fun!

Tonight is party night. But my party companion passed out, and I am awake, as some partying can make one. So I have been editing for hours. And it's been really great!!! I have a whole fresh perspective on my project and have finally begun to come to terms with the fact that it's just a long video. 46 minutes without closing credits. I think it is interesting. At least to the family. I mean, I aspire for it to be interesting to everybody. It raises interesting questions about race and being mixed race either as a couple or a self.
And it makes me feel in awe of my ancestors. All the stories, and the journeys. And the love. And my Grandparents really are my model for a lifelong couple. It's rare, it seems.
I love partying so hard I end up making art.
I am uploading a rough cut of a small part of my video onto my facebook account. I'm kind of curious what people will say. I'm feeling a lot better about my video anyway. For a while it seemed all unwieldy and I didn't know what to do with it and felt lost in a maze of footage in a story with no clear directions. But now I am seeing some structure to it. The history is so interesting, especially when it is so personal. And I have the perfect ending, and the perfect beginning, and now I just need to put in some more of my beautiful footage and record some voice over and figure out how to make the effen titles import properly. Oh yeah, and build more of a soundscape. I wish I had better sound effects, somehow "Indian Attack" and "Indian War Whoops" don't fit in with my general concept.
46 minutes. Something makes me wonder if I have the ovaries to make people pay attention for that long. But I want to do a 20 minute comedy after this, and get someone to produce my Bunnyhug feature which is currently 120 minutes long. I'm still going to make the odd 5 minute video though.
I wonder who's going to show such a long video. It seems intense. I have no idea who my audience is. I'm going to try and raise some cash to rent a theatre for a screening of it. Just to show some Saskatoon folks, including my family. But it will also be going to my distributors. Where the hell they will send them off to, I have no idea.
I also have to choose and scan in some photos of me doing family things with my grandparents, because I was really close to them my whole life and that's part of the video. I have some cute ones. There, I picked them, now I just have to scan them. Ugh, I don't feel like doing THAT right now.
Well, that's my story about my WILD party night! I need to have some more of these. Or just stay excited about my project. My point is that I finally see an end in sight of al of this editing. I know where my project is going!! I might have it done so I can get money in the fall!! And then tackle my next huge ambition, a dirt cheap science fiction film!

Juniper, a fuzzy glimmer in ma eye!

This blog won't be all about Juniper, but since he will be the big new change in my life I should mention him, and he does deserve the title. I am having trouble getting to sleep, so here I am, wanting to blog because I read some good ones today.

Juniper is a dilute orange and white tabby kitten. No, not a MAN, I'm not moving a human male into my apartment. Just this sweet very cute kitten from the country, someone who's been around a little dog and hopefully will fall in love with my little dog and I'm hoping will make me being gone less stressful for my pup. My pup has been barking while I've been gone, more than he used to when we had Schrodinger. Sooo, well we'll just see what happens when he has a friend. Either way he used to get more exercise when he played with a cat all day, and I think he needs someone to play chase games with.

But also, I love cats. I'm not a cat person, more of a dog person, but I admire the different traits of a cat that you can't get with dogs. Like head nuzzling and purring and the insistent meow of a cat when you're not quick enough to sling out some grub. And they way they always look out the windows for hours, staring at the birdies and daydreaming of kitty carnage! Beneath the cute kitty fur beats the heart of a killer!

So I have to get ready for him to come home this weekend, if all goes as planned. Scrub out the litterbox so it doesn't have Schrods smell on it, clean the bowls and clean the apartment. Get a couple brand new toys for him, something on a string. I still have catnip from Schrodinger, but kittens aren't interested in catnip. Only grown up cats like catnip. At least, that has been my experience. I don't know why that is.

I'm a little bit daunted by the idea of breaking in a brand new baby! Kittens are tremendously difficult characters. Schrodinger was always trying to kill me when he was small. Either way I am not going into this assuming he will be all sweetness and light. I know I'm going to end up with scabby arms, it's just a given.

Anyway, that's the poop on the new kitten!

In OTHER news, I saw this terrible news story today, with an accompanying video! Zikerria Bellamy, a 17 year old African American Transwoman, was applying at a McDonalds in Orlando Florida this summer to be a shift manager. The manager taking her application made her fill in the male/female gender box and got upset when she marked down "male." This is the voicemail she got from one of the managers later, saying "We do not hire faggots." Have a listen:



UGH! How am I going to indulge my sick cravings for fries and "100% beef" with this injustice tainting my already dodgy meal choice?

It really makes me think about how many times I have seen a visible trans person working in customer service. Once! My mom and I met a transman at a PetLand/Cetra/Smart/Idontrecall who was well into transition but still just those whisps of the past were in his voice. It's similar to how rarely I see a butch dyke working in customer service. No, not quite, I must admit I have seen more than one butch dyke doing customer service work. But I do remember what it felt like to have someone be all up on my qualifications until they meet me and see the short short hair and the boy clothes. Butchphobia kinda straddles the line between transphobia and homophobia. On one hand, it is because you are obviously a lesbian, and on another, it's because you don't fit in with the gender binary.

Apparently Morgan Freeman was born to play Nelson Mandela. At least, that is what the television is telling me today. When you go crazy, as in a full blown psychosis of either the manic or depressed variety (I've never had depressive psychosis but it must suck!) the nurses always ask if you are getting messages off of the television. Yes. Yes I do, and have, and will. Right now it is telling me that hoarding can be solved by the aid of a clean up crew and 1 800 Got Junk.

Actually, my mother has been learning a whole arsenal of new lingo from A&E to apply to my life. Her favorite right now is Hoarders, as she believes I am one. I think I am messy, but not a hoarder. All the same she has started making jibes at me. A case in point: When helping tidy she asked me "Are you saving these menstrual pads or will you let me throw them away?" Before you get grossed out, they were not lovingly arranged on my bookcase, or even strewn across the floor, they were IN the garbage BY the toilet! They were clearly on their way out! And I'm not one of those artists that uses menstruation as part of their practice. My response was a plaintive "Muuum!"

HOWEVER, she does have a point. I know this has been an ongoing complaint in my blog, that I must clean, but I really do have to clean!! I let it build up until even the fire department takes issue. OKAY, not always, but in Vancouver the fire marshal came into my apartment while I was gone (the landlord gave us no warning) and said it was a hazard. And it was because it was two rooms and too much stuff. But it's more reasonable now. No boxes everywhere. But there is paper around my hallway, and things to trip over in the night, and if there's going to be a baby here something has to change!

I'm just hoping she doesn't take her cues from Intervention. I really don't want to be sent to Palm Springs to recover from marijuana use/abuse. Or DO I? Nah, I'm not fancy enough to get to Palm Springs, I'd be in Calder here in Saskatoon. I don't wanna go to treatment! I just want to be a responsible party-er.

My psych nurse got the lady who runs dual diagnosis groups to call me, but they are all during work hours except for one I could go to on the 31st. But LADY! That is NeW YEaRS! I'm for sure not going to quit drinking/toking then!

Owieya!

I got my H1N1 shot today, it took me 23 minutes for the entire process, I went with my Grandparents and because I was with them I got to go into the old folks lane and get a needle in my arm within three minutes of walking in the door. Then we had to sit around and wait while watching this giant projection of a middle aged white lady telling us all about the immunization process. And some guy in a head set pacing back and forth in front of all the people waiting for fifteen minutes each. The woman explained that we were waiting because the really bad reactions seem to happen in the first fifteen minutes of getting the shot.

It was a teeny tiny but long needle, and the vaccine was kind of milky white fluid. Apparently it is made with egg whites. They recommend you move your arm around to prevent soreness, which I thought I did well enough but already it's a killer if I raise my arm up. Owieya!

I hope it doesn't hurt a lot more tomorrow because I have to do some more mail out stuff at work tomorrow. A cranky left arm wouldn't be a great idea. Still, not getting the shot at all would really suck.

I have a sneaking suspicion I did have H1N1. I was really sick this summer. And it came back after being gone for a week. And it came back worse than before! I thought I was going to die, I kept coughing so hard I would pee, and I would just lay there coughing and peeing and feeling miserable. Is that H1N1? I don't know. Whatever it was, there should be a vaccine against it!

My cousin said she couldn't believe that I got the shot and that it was death! I was a little shocked.

I know there's a lot of people saying they are not getting the shot. For all kinds of reasons. I know some people can't for a few reasons, but some people seem to be buying into this anti-science propaganda about the vaccine being used as some form of population control. But if it was going to kill a bunch of people, wouldn't all these other people who have already gotten it be dying off about now? I know two pregnant ladies who got theirs a long time ago and they're still kicking around.

Oh well. So far the worst that has happened to me with this shot is this sore freakin' arm! It feels like I've been punched! By a shetland pony! It's SO out of proportion with the actual pain of the injection.

Still, at least she didn't draw a bunny on my arm and say "And now we're going to feed the bunny" and put the needle in it's mouth. That would really piss me off. If that was the case I would tell everyone to stay away from the immunization clinics! Ha!

Now I just have to dodge the H1N1 bullet for the next two weeks and I will be A OK! No sickness for me!

Fruit Flies

An update on the Fruit Fly Crisis of Oh Nine.

Well, they are now located in two areas of the house, my kitchen, in particular the sink/garbage area, and the bathroom, specifically my wastebasket. I still haven't made traps, because I'm a goon. I should make a teeny tiny snare line.

My grandpa once told me how he snared a little rabbit when he was in the seminary and got the cafeteria lady to cook it for him because he missed home. I always thought that was such a cute story.

There are hordes of fruit flies, and they don't just stay in those two places, they go on expeditions to find new sources of food for their larvae. Ugh! Of course fruit fly larvae are so tiny. Still, gross.

Once my roommate Anne tried to make a fruit fly trap by leaving out a glass of rum, but our other roommate Christie noted that the fruit flies had turned it into their own counter top cabana. That was during the Vancouver garbage strike of 97, when EVERYWHERE was filled with fruit flies. I mean, one trap wasn't going to do too much.

I'm sleepy. I've been working 10 - 5:30 except for wednesday. And I think my schedule will change a bit from week to week. It's more hours than I was doing before, but I'm not doing too badly I don't think.

Anyway, I will write more about how I am doing tomorrow or something, because there are other things going on in my life that deserve some writing about.

And I will get supplies for those traps tomorrow!

No Privacy since I was Twenty-One

It's been ten years of blogging, secret blogs to start, then sometimes I let people I know read them. Then I started my first blog when I was nuts. BUT, I went back to blogging with my real name after that. The Vancouver Years, Part Two.
It was all an experiment. I don't know if it actually gives me support, I am only sometimes actively involved in commenting and interacting with other blogs. It is a great way of feeling plugged into the disability community online. Which is a pretty wicked blogging community.
I guess I am thinking about privacy ever since I read about that woman who lost her disability insurance claim (for severe depression) just because she smiled and did some fun things in some photos on Facebook. But what the hell? Did they want her to be slashing herself on Facebook or something? How can you evaluate someone's mental health based on some photos? Can my mom do that next time she gets worried about me, email the jpegs to my pdoc that prove commitment is the only solution? I mean honestly.
I do sometimes worry about the privacy I have given up by writing honestly about my life on here. Anyone could come along and judge me based on any number of things, my drug use, my bipolar disorder, hypergraphia, even just that I'm an unrepentant butch dyke. But fuck em. I do get a kick out of keeping a blog, even if I haven't been the best writer these days. And in a lot of ways I do feel like these personal details are part of my politics. How can I talk about mad rights if I am too afraid to explore the vagaries of my grey matter?
So I have a new job, and I am pretty happy about this. I had my first day on Friday and I go back tomorrow! It's 35 hours a week, which is perfect because 40 is too much for me for some reason. It's an office type job in a Queer environment, so I really feel comfortable. I didn't exactly feel comfy saying I was a dyke at my last job.
Which is a bad sign, I think.
I'm staying clean for the weekdays I think, or as clean as possible. I don't have cash because I spent all of my last cheque already and I haven't gotten paid from this job yet. And when I do get paid it won't be very much because I won't have worked a full two weeks. Money is a strange invention of human kind. Stupid little pieces of paper and coins pretending to represent gold. ANYWAY, I don't have anything to spare on smokeable fun, so it looks like I'm going to be jonesing and feeling frustrated this week. Who knows though, maybe if I get through a few days of being sober, I will want to stay so for a while.
In fact I am thinking about being straight edge for a month, just to get everything bad out of my body and you know, kinda cleanse myself. See what it's like to not do any drinking or drugs for a LONG period of time. And a Month is pretty long for me. It might inspire me to stay sober. Or to use far more sparingly than before.
It's a thought.
In totally other news, me, my mum, our two dachshunds and mum's golden retriever went out to the country for a walk. And Arthur disappeared. He had found a porcupine and was going after it repeatedly and barking and getting pissed because he was hurt and he wanted to hurt what was hurting him back. So anyway we drove back into town straight to the small animal clinic at the University. He had 300 to 400 quills in his mouth (lips and gums), face, chest, front legs and paws!! Poor Arthur.

It's SATURDAY!

And I have no phone. But for now I still have internet. I am doing alright, I keep misplacing my meds though which means I miss doses because I either have to get out of the house fast or are crashing and not awake enough to go looking for them. Either way this must be remedied! Right now they are by the phone, which is a silly place for them because with no phone I never go over there.
Okay, NOW they are beside the computer.
I am going to get myself all prettied up soon and go on the prowl. Looking for some hottie to take home and do naughty things with. I haven't done that in a while though, and my shyness prevents me from pouncing. I've missed all kinds of girl on girl opportunities through shyness. It's a terrible thing to deprive the world of more lesbian sex just because you don't know how to ask someone if you can kiss them.
The OTHER thing that gets in the way of my girl on girl action is I like super femmey girls, and it's hard to ID them as queer sometimes, which puts them out to no end.
On a totally different note, Pumpy, my halloween pumpkin, was left to rot just a wee bit too long in my house and has now caused an infestation of fruit flies. They have yet to just die off, because their food source is gone, but they are just hanging around, trying to think of something else to eat. It's a bit disturbing, I don't trust them in the least and I think they have designs on my coca-cola. It's my coke dammit!
I didn't win the 50 Million Lotto Max draw, but someone in Manitoba did, which is almost like someone in Saskatchewan winning, which is almost like me winning. Ha ha!
It's a beautiful day outside. I am waiting for my mother to get online and talk to me. I think we were going to move some stuff over to my house.

Love Spell is Finished!!! Now what? Where is she?

I finished burning my Love Spell candle. It has gotten to a point where I can no longer safely burn it. In fact, the last time I burned it I ended up catching a whole bunch of hot wax in my hands to keep it from hitting my clothes or the carpet.
This might seem like a bad omen, but hot wax is what turned me onto S/M in the first place.
It's one of those spells to attract an as yet unknown mate. Not on anyone specific. Although I did intend to bring someone into my life with specific qualities.
But it was funny, when I was working on the qualities in a partner I wanted, I was thinking a lot about my bipolar disorder and what kind of person would be able to handle my illness.
It's a depressing thought that my bipolar disorder impacts my relationships, but it does.
And the stigma keeps people away, even though the majority of the time I'm sane. Sane and sexy! LOL.
I hear some people like their partner's hypomania because of all the wild sex.
It's a perk I guess, but I don't go into hypomanias very often.
Oh man, I just found out there is a guy in the neighborhood Schrody went missing who has been abducting cats and torturing and killing them. It's really sickening, and the police know about him but aren't doing anything. Saskatoon police are so worthless, when have they ever done anything for our community???? They piss me off. ANYWAY, I'm disturbed because I don't want to have intrusive thoughts about my cat's demise. I am pretty sad.
OH YES! AND I lost my job. That makes me depressed too, but I am applying for other jobs and with some luck I will be working at least over Christmas. All the jobs I'm applying for so far are temporary.
I am thinking about going back to school to become a paralegal. I still want to make art, but I need to make money too. I dunno, I have to get it together by January if I want to take the 10 month legal admin assistant course which is a prerequisite for the paralegal program, which is only six months! BUT I need a job that will be easy to get, as in there would be lots of opportunities out there when I have to come back to the workforce from a video project. SOOOOO, I kinda think I'm going to go for a nine month Admin Assistant diploma instead. We'll see, either way I would need to secure funding from my band before I could proceed with getting educated in office shit. And the Saskatoon Health Region has a lot of jobs for people with that diploma.
Anyway, I may as well hit post before I bore you to tears with some other thing I'm thinking about!

I am the Narwal, Coo coo ka choo!

I have always wanted to go narwal watching, the unicorns of the sea. So cute! I am thinking of saving up money for a trip to go see them. I don't know when, maybe 2010? I know 2012 my Dad and I want to go to the Mayan ruins and see what happens. I hope we still do that, I've never traveled with my father. I mean, we've both been in certain cities at the same time for art related reasons, but we've never taken a trip together. At least, not since I was very small.
And my memory isn't so good from when I was that small.
But back to traveling. When my Mum and I were in Wick we saw some Puffins flying and making the cutest noises, and also standing on a rock. It was amazing, Puffins! They are also cute!
Whenever my family and I would go up north to the cabin my Grandma would get out her Field Guide to North American Birds and she and my Mom would identify which birds they saw and talk about them. They also do this with plants.
I do this with the paranormal. What type of hauntings, types of UFOs, wondering if Chupacabra is real and if so if it is an alien or some military experiment gone awry.
I also like to talk with people about various psychiatric medications, what they look like, what they do, what was your favorite and what really sucked.
Back to the Narwals. I remember once in Elementary school we got pieces of yarn and taped them to the wall to show how long types of whales were. I remember being suitably impressed by them all. And I always giggled at the Sperm Whale. The poor Sperm Whale.

My cousin Luke once wrote a paper for school whose first line was "The common vole is not a mouse it is a vole."
Voles are pretty cute. I have a soft spot for rodents.
The cutest thing I have ever seen was when I was reunited with my lost hamster William. He was in my backpack when I was outside and when I got home he wasn't there anymore. And I cried and made a poster the next morning to find my hamster when I found a sign that said "Found: 1 White Hampster." I called the number and walked across the apartment complex where I found my sweet William with GINOURMOUS cheeks! He came home and spent the next half hour pulling bread crusts out of his cheeks. They can pack away a lot of shit man! That's intense. I wish I could hide food in my cheeks, that's a handy trick. I was in grade two, in case you were wondering why I made such a bad error in regards to thinking a hamster would stay in a backpack.
My interest in identifying wildlife reminds me to tell you about this book you should buy called Lesbian National Parks & Services: Field Guide to North America by Ranger Shawna Dempsey and Ranger Lorri Millan. I'm the lesbian bottom in the lower vertebrates section! It's a pretty funny book and has practical lesbian information for life in the bush!

Morning Internetland

I was being interviewed by CBC (and I still don't know if my story will get on the radio) but at one point the interviewer asked me what i thought my stories said about myself.
And I realized I write my blog mostly to talk to myself. I mean, I always wanted my blog to reach other people, but in the early days with no visitors I wrote mostly for myself. Just to see how I progressed in life I guess.
It's been an intense five years with this blog. And I still mostly write for myself. I used to keep diaries all the time, since I was nine. And then ten years later I started a blog long gone on Open Diary. I was working on the concept of private thoughts going out into the ether. And I've continued it since.
I do keep some things private. Surprisingly. Not a lot, but some.
I am taking the day off today. I need a mental health day. Just one day this week I can be irresponsible. Be hungover from my journey to Specklebelly's offsale. Want to hear something totally rude that happened to us? We got home and were drinking our beers and then my cuz found a beer that had a puncture in it and was half full. What the hell Specklebelly's??? We was ripped off. She wanted to share it, but who knows what is in that beer? Even if it is just some saliva germs, that is still gross when it is not someone you know.
I want to make a paranormal investigation video. I need to find at least two more people who want to stake out Cranberry Flats on October 22, the third anniversary of when Laurel and I saw those ufos. I hope it can be done!

Appropriation Related Death

My facebook home page has been chock full of articles about the recent sweatlodge deaths in Sedona Arizona. And so I feel I have to say something about it, because it is such an example of how deadly appropriation of culture can be. Especially when Capitalism is thrown into the mix.
To start with, it was a weekend retreat that cost $9000 a head. Sixty plus people were all in one lodge. It used PLASTIC as part of the covering. And instead of doing four rounds they stayed in there for TWO hours. And let's not forget the name, "Spiritual Warriors."
My Uncle John has been running a sweatlodge since I was a little girl. I have really good memories of going to his sweats, I haven't been in a couple years, but I will go again I'm sure. I was little when I first went to a sweat. I remember my cousin Luke and I were walking on a mound of old sweat rocks and a man told us to get off of there. They were all jagged. And they made this funny sound, like styrofoam almost, because a rock changes after it's been in the sweat. Inside was an intensely spiritual and personal experience, and I loved the Cree songs and the praying and the lights and the rattle. And at the end, they would open up a can of berries and we would eat them. Oh yeah, and one other crucial thing about his sweats, and all sweats I've been to, is that we would drink lots of water between every round. Rounds didn't last that long, maybe fifteen or twenty minutes. And he would know when it was too difficult for someone or too hot and usually the only really physically intense moment was just before the door was opened.
Even if no one had died or gotten ill at Spiritual Warrior, the fact that my culture is being exploited for profit by a white man oozing privilege makes my blood boil. An experience with the spiritual is not something that can be bought. It shouldn't come with a $9000 price tag, or even a $250 price tag, like some unlucky local white person paid. Sweats are free, you just need to bring tobacco and/or cloth (at least around this here neck of the plains) if you need them to pray for some specific healing.
My Uncle John likes to google "Sweat Lodge Deaths" and tell us different ones he reads about. Usually it's the same kind of thing, used plastic instead of canvas for the covering or staying in for a really long time. Really DUMB mistakes like forgetting people need oxygen to breathe and that heat can KILL YOU!
James Arthur Ray is the self help author of this terrible tragedy. He has appeared on Larry King, Oprah, and The Secret, according to his website. He is the President/CEO of "James Ray, Inc." I think he is a great example of a shining turd. What do YOU think?

I think the Anti-deps kicked in this morning

I was coming home from work feeling happy. And I noticed that it has been a while since I've been happy. Nothing major has changed in my life, I have worked the same job since March, and I've been living in this coop for about a year and a half. My dog is the same dog, but somehow all these things combined suddenly made me feel good. And a little grown up even. I spent all my twenties doing jobs that paid ten bucks an hour, and suddenly I am making just a titch over twenty dollars an hour. I have health benefits and a company pension. In other words, a real adult job. I'm living in a much bigger nicer 1 bedroom apartment than I have ever lived in on my own. When I think back to my apartment in bad manors I realize how squalid a life I lived there.

When I was a teenager Vancouver was the promised land, I would get a girlfriend and a nice apartment and be a famous video/filmmaker and walk on the beach everyday. Instead, well, you can just read my early entries in this blog to see what my life was like there. I was poor and hungry and didn't have good psychiatric care, as in an actual psychiatrist. I felt depressed every winter and felt very alone. And I could only have pet rats. Now I can't have pet rats, but my dog has a longer lifespan than a rat and I needed the commitment.

I think the antideps kicked in. I've actually had a very good life here in Saskatoon and now that I am on Wellbutrin in addition to my Celexa I can appreciate it more.

I've also realized, after being single for so long, that I don't NEED a relationship. I would be happy if I fell in love with someone who loved me too, but I'm coming to a point where I have discovered I can be perfectly fulfilled on my own. I miss sex with a partner, and I miss cuddling, and other things, but I have enough joy in my life that it's not painful to be without it.

Anyway, I feel good, and I'm doing well, and I am hoping that this signals the start of some extended stability.

The Sufferin' Dufferin

When I lived in vancouver in the late 90's early Oughts, I used to sometimes go with friends to the Sufferin' Dufferin. I saw drag shows there. I saw some naked men dancing with elastics for cockrings and white tube socks. I mean, does that count as naked though? I mean, they were wearing socks. Can you be naked with socks on? And do cockrings count as a piece of apparel, even if they are just rubber bands?

I'm 31 years old and I still have these questions.

Anyway, I have heard all kinds of wild stories about the dufferin and people's adventures there. I never saw anyone have their dick out for very long. It was such a funny place. I once caught a poster of a naked man and ended up giving it to a grateful 'mo friend.

But my crowning glory, my supreme achievement at the Dufferin, was on their pull tabs. One night I went out to meet a couple of friends at the Sufferin' Dufferin and one of them was trying so hard to win at pull tabs. And then I went and put in two dollars and won a hundred bucks.

I don't often win. Usually I lose all my gambling money. But once I won.

And he was so pissed off. I bought us all a beer.

It's long gone now. The money and the Dufferin. And I haven't been to Vancouver in months and months.

The Lotus is gone too, or at least, the lesbian version, I remember they always used to play that Spin Spin Sugar song while I was looking for The One. Out of a lot of drunk lesbians in the blacklight. Now they just have Lick upstairs? Do they? Heck, I don't even know anymore.

I never found a girlfriend at the Lotus. I found three at school and one at a festival through a friend and once my mom introduced me to someone I slept with a few times. I have never picked up in a gay bar. It's always nice going for the view though.

And I never picked up at the Dufferin. It was mostly the enclave of boys. Maybe that's why it was so fun, I could watch other people get all sexy with each other and not have any pressure on myself. Boys and Boys is hot. Why else do so many lesbians like gay porn?

Purple

Did you know that I wrote a blog on here last night and it vanished, probably because I was drunk and never hit publish before I shut my computer down for the night.

I've gotten to the point where I don't care about getting a girlfriend anymore. The ones I had weren't the nicest, except for a couple, and I don't even know what a relationship would contribute to my life. I haven't ever been in a monogamous relationship either and the longest relationship I had was only a year and a month.

Maybe I'm not suited for relationships. I am kind of used to the single life.

I don't really remember how I got into relationships before. I think it all started by asking to kiss certain beautiful women.

I just finished watching Coffy. Coffy Baby, sweet as a chocolate bar!

It's drink a straight bar gay tonight at Whiskey Jacks. I am going out to see if I can meet anyone cute, smart, and funny. Or just to be among homos! I even dressed up for it, I am pumped, I have no pink but there is some pink on my purple shirt. And I am wearing rainbow cuffs. And as usual I have tattoos and stretched earlobes and a secret hood piercing that GLITTERS! And short hair. I look like a dyke in other words, so I hope that makes up for the fact I'm not sporting a pink item of clothing as per the instructions to build queer solidarity in the midst of a normally straight enclave of drinkers.

Besides, Lavender/Purple is much more a lesbian color than Pink. In old timey days lesbians used to wear violets to signal to the other sapphic sisters.

So maybe I will ask to kiss someone tonight. I don't know!