Last night my cousin was being drunk and aggressive and we had to go pick him up, and the little shit left our house in the middle of the night and went back!!!! In -25 weather! He could have passed out in a snowbank and froze to the friggin sidewalk! ARG!
SO dramatic. I never know what to do with Black Out drunks, usually I leave where they are, but this time we had to bring him to us! He wandered about looking for more booze and crying.
I finally bought my plane ticket to Kelowna for International Women's Day where I am presenting my art. I have to get that all together. Regrettably I do NOT have my videos on DVD, my distributors do though, so I will have to ask them to borrow the DVDs and then rip and burn and then send them back. At least now I can make a DVD of EVERYTHING to use for future presentations. It's about time! I don't even have a copy of my first video. This all reminds me of Kilgore Trout in Breakfast of Champions where he has to go to Times Square sex shops to find the smutty books that used his writing as vehicles for pornography because he has no copies.
I'd like to write a book sometime. Something entertaining, like a fictionalized account of my life to protect my friends who would be incriminated. I wish I could use their real names. I like thinking of fake names for my friends. I have come up with so many! Sometimes I forget their real names, almost. I had an awesome fake name for Velveeta in one blog, I called her Miranda because once she wore a wig that made her look like Miranda Richardson wearing a wig in The Crying Game. Although I have to admit, Miranda is not as descriptive a name as Velveeta. But there are relatively few Velveetas in the world and I was an angry ex at the time and didn't want it to get back to her that I said all these things.
I think I was a better blogger when I was anonymous, because I bared my soul! I don't anymore.
But this is more my mood:
I need some girls in the truck 'bout six chicks deep!
I really need to start writing down all the things I have to get done every day! Like my damn credit score and report, and setting aside time to do all my drawings for my video. I have to draw an Oompa Loompa's dick. I am not entirely sure how to do that. I also have to order in a whack of preview videos and do some digitizing. And finish up with this business plan.
I have finally started Skyping with far away friends! :D It's exciting to see their lovely faces and hear their voices. My camera isn't the greatest though. Oh well. I want to do more Skyping! I am getting addicted!
My mother isn't home, and hasn't been home all afternoon! I miss her! I want her to come back!
Doo doo do doo doo do doo doo.
This has been a ridiculous post, I didn't mention anything of note!
Saturday, February 26, 2011
Friday, February 25, 2011
25 Random things, again.
I wrote this for facebook, but considering their heinous censorship decided to post it here too, which has never censored me. Enjoy!
1. I used to ride horses when I was a little girl. Once the horse my adult friend was on bucked her off and took off galloping away, and mine decided to gallop away too! I had never been on a galloping horse before and I just kind of scrunched up like a jockey and held on for dear life until I could get the horse back under control. I'd really like to ride a horse again, I think I can remember how to steer them.
2. I have a notoriously bad habit of falling deeply in love with unavailable women and pining for years at a time! My first real crush at 14 lasted for 2 years! No nookie though. I am not sure why I do this, it's made for a lot of no sex for years at a time.
3. The longest I have gone without sex is eight years. Beat that! I feel like I should be ashamed of this. But after a string of number 2's happening to me, that is what happened!
4. I had my first manic psychosis when I was 24 and living in Montreal. I talk about this a lot so maybe I should mention the not so well discussed aspects of it. I was hospitalized in a french speaking hospital which was very similar in experience to One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest. I had a lot of problems talking to the staff because very few of them understood english and often had to ask other patients to translate for me. This was Montreal, which meant there were English hospitals too, but they refused to let me move to one. I don't know why. Being trapped in a French speaking abusive hospital made me really hate the Quebecois for a long time, I have to admit. I am mostly over it now. But I will never live in Montreal again.
5. When I was in Grade 2 we lived in Missoula Montana for the school year while my Mum worked on her Masters of Fine Arts. My teacher, Mrs. Joy Nelson, taught me how to write and had all kinds of creative writing exercises we did all year. I wrote a story about my cousin Luke sending me a kit to make a robot and all the things we did with the robots. I don't remember what else I wrote now, that one was my favorite. I have been writing ever since.
6. Once when I was a little girl I tried to put on an improv puppet show for my Mum but she left after five minutes of me standing around trying to think of what to say next. She said she wouldn't watch it unless I had a script!
7. I am planning to buy a house here in Saskatoon, hopefully in five years. That is the plan. I am thinking of a three bedroom house with a backyard. Mister refuses to live in an apartment or condo now. He will be an old man by the time we have our own house with a backyard, so until then I am living in my Mom's house because she has a mostly empty basement and a backyard. He is a really happy boy in this house and is now almost always wagging his tail!
8. When I was two years old I saw this weird thing, and out of all my not-normal experiences I still think it is the most remarkable because it was SO WEIRD! I used to share a bunk bed and room with my sister Sky and the door would get locked at night otherwise Sky would run away. Anyway, this one morning I wanted out and I was banging on the white wooden door and crying when this image appeared on the door, like a screen set into the door. It was an overhead view of the Buy-Rite Furniture store parking lot. This would have been in 1980 so the cars were all 70's big Buicks and the like. I stared at it for the longest time, cars were going in and out and parking and it was sunny. Then my Dad opened the door and it was gone! I have no explanation for what I saw, to this day.
9. I called 911 in Grade 8 for the first time because my sister set the living room armchair on fire. I wrote a story about it but I haven't published it online. She found some matches and lit them and by the time I was summoned from the basement to help it was a great big bonfire in our living room. Mum ended up putting it out by running back and forth from the bathtub to the fire with a bucket. She was a hero. We all had Hitler mustaches by the end of it from the smoke.
10. I carefully entrusted my virginity with my biggest love ever when we were 17 years old, but then she never slept with me again! :O And she had long nails, which cut out a whole bunch of activities we could have done.
11. I used to shoot rifles in BC. I actually contemplated a school shooting when I was being bullied, but luckily I didn't do anything and we moved back to Saskatoon. I was a good aim for someone with no gun experience before then! I'd like to go to a target range and shoot more guns, but I don't ever want to shoot something living or even own a gun.
12. I didn't drink and only smoked two puffs of a joint all through high school. I wasn't trying to be a goody goody, I just already knew by then that I had serious mental health issues (though I wasn't diagnosed with anything) and felt that being straight edge was my only hope of getting through high school as sanely as possible. It worked!
13. The first time I smoked pot and it actually got me ripped was when I went with some queerdos to the Pink Floyd and the Doors Lazer Light Show at the Planetarium in Vancouver. We hot boxed in the parking lot with a joint made of pot, hash, and oil. It was the best trip ever and when I got to the bathroom everything SLOOOOOWED DOOOOOOWN! It took me ten minutes (in my head) to wash and dry my hands, and I kept giggling.
14. I used to be really into anti-psychiatry, but now I am into being critical of psychiatry and not anti. The reason is because the anti-psychiatry people seem to tell everyone that we can just throw away our meds and be sane on a diet of herbs and sunshine and exercise, and I think that is really irresponsible. I did follow their advice and ended up having my second manic psychosis when I was 28-29. My 29th birthday was spent in the psych ward here in Saskatoon. Yeah the meds do bad things, but some of us need them.
15. I am afraid that the apocalypse will happen and I won't have access to my psych meds, and will end up being a raving mad street preacher trying to live off my lactations while everything goes to hell.
16. I was always trying to set up clubs when I was a kid, but mostly because I liked making the membership cards. I would draw on them and then laminate them by using white glue to stick saran wrap onto the cards. It works surprisingly well. But no one ever came to my clubs. Once in high school I tried to start the first Gay-Straight Alliance but it just ended up being me and this bisexual friend and our gay friend sitting on the front lawn eating chips. After that meeting there were no more. Maybe I should have made some membership cards!
17. When I was a very small girl I used to feel what some folks call God in the sunshine and the plants. I don't get the same feeling anymore, but intellectually I still understand the concept.
18. I was a transman for six months and my name was Sarain. It was different, that is for sure. But in the end I decided to go back to being Thirza because I realized I really like my secondary female sex characteristics. My Mum had a really hard time with all the he him his and my boy name, so she was relieved when I decided to stay a butch girl. I realized there were things about becoming a boy that I found really boring and unappealing, whereas I can be a butch girl and do masculine things and still have lovely womanly things.
19. I came out to my mom on February 22, 1993. I was fourteen. It was the scariest thing I had ever done at that point and she was really good about it. She had to go away on a Canada Council jury so while she was in Ottawa she went to the Women's bookstore and talked to some young lesbians who loaded her up with all the books they thought a baby dyke should have. The only ones I remember now were Lesbian Sex and three different Dykes To Watch Out For books.
20. I would like to get married! :D However I think the cost of weddings is outrageous, so I have decided I would rather go to a justice of the peace with maybe two witnesses and then have a big party with all our friends.
21. I was actively Christian after my first psychosis, but since then have gone back to my non-worshipping self. I believe in a grand spirit, but I don't think it cares if I go to a building with a high roof and a history of protecting pedophiles. Also I find so much vocal Christianity to be really hateful.
22. When I was living in Vancouver I decided I HAD TO HAVE a dachshund! But when I got word of this rescue doxie looking for a home the woman I called ridiculed me for having a job and not having a yard. I did end up with a Mister Man long haired black and tan dachshund not long after I moved to Saskatoon. He makes me really happy. I love dogs. I prefer them to cats, although I do have a Beatrix kitty.
23. I have always been the first one to say I Love You. I would like the be the one who gets to say I Love You Too. But I usually make all the first moves anyway. Still, it would be nice to hear it before I say it.
24. My first real girlfriend (not the one I lost my virginity to) was hopelessly vanilla. I am now glad she dumped me because I don't think it would have worked out.
25. I've had below the belt piercings three times, but currently only wear one. It's sparkly, has little gems on it, I would dearly like to show someone. When I first got pierced I used to whip down my pants for anyone who wanted to see, I was kind of shameless. This time I am being coy. Although I just wrote this paragraph. Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.
1. I used to ride horses when I was a little girl. Once the horse my adult friend was on bucked her off and took off galloping away, and mine decided to gallop away too! I had never been on a galloping horse before and I just kind of scrunched up like a jockey and held on for dear life until I could get the horse back under control. I'd really like to ride a horse again, I think I can remember how to steer them.
2. I have a notoriously bad habit of falling deeply in love with unavailable women and pining for years at a time! My first real crush at 14 lasted for 2 years! No nookie though. I am not sure why I do this, it's made for a lot of no sex for years at a time.
3. The longest I have gone without sex is eight years. Beat that! I feel like I should be ashamed of this. But after a string of number 2's happening to me, that is what happened!
4. I had my first manic psychosis when I was 24 and living in Montreal. I talk about this a lot so maybe I should mention the not so well discussed aspects of it. I was hospitalized in a french speaking hospital which was very similar in experience to One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest. I had a lot of problems talking to the staff because very few of them understood english and often had to ask other patients to translate for me. This was Montreal, which meant there were English hospitals too, but they refused to let me move to one. I don't know why. Being trapped in a French speaking abusive hospital made me really hate the Quebecois for a long time, I have to admit. I am mostly over it now. But I will never live in Montreal again.
5. When I was in Grade 2 we lived in Missoula Montana for the school year while my Mum worked on her Masters of Fine Arts. My teacher, Mrs. Joy Nelson, taught me how to write and had all kinds of creative writing exercises we did all year. I wrote a story about my cousin Luke sending me a kit to make a robot and all the things we did with the robots. I don't remember what else I wrote now, that one was my favorite. I have been writing ever since.
6. Once when I was a little girl I tried to put on an improv puppet show for my Mum but she left after five minutes of me standing around trying to think of what to say next. She said she wouldn't watch it unless I had a script!
7. I am planning to buy a house here in Saskatoon, hopefully in five years. That is the plan. I am thinking of a three bedroom house with a backyard. Mister refuses to live in an apartment or condo now. He will be an old man by the time we have our own house with a backyard, so until then I am living in my Mom's house because she has a mostly empty basement and a backyard. He is a really happy boy in this house and is now almost always wagging his tail!
8. When I was two years old I saw this weird thing, and out of all my not-normal experiences I still think it is the most remarkable because it was SO WEIRD! I used to share a bunk bed and room with my sister Sky and the door would get locked at night otherwise Sky would run away. Anyway, this one morning I wanted out and I was banging on the white wooden door and crying when this image appeared on the door, like a screen set into the door. It was an overhead view of the Buy-Rite Furniture store parking lot. This would have been in 1980 so the cars were all 70's big Buicks and the like. I stared at it for the longest time, cars were going in and out and parking and it was sunny. Then my Dad opened the door and it was gone! I have no explanation for what I saw, to this day.
9. I called 911 in Grade 8 for the first time because my sister set the living room armchair on fire. I wrote a story about it but I haven't published it online. She found some matches and lit them and by the time I was summoned from the basement to help it was a great big bonfire in our living room. Mum ended up putting it out by running back and forth from the bathtub to the fire with a bucket. She was a hero. We all had Hitler mustaches by the end of it from the smoke.
10. I carefully entrusted my virginity with my biggest love ever when we were 17 years old, but then she never slept with me again! :O And she had long nails, which cut out a whole bunch of activities we could have done.
11. I used to shoot rifles in BC. I actually contemplated a school shooting when I was being bullied, but luckily I didn't do anything and we moved back to Saskatoon. I was a good aim for someone with no gun experience before then! I'd like to go to a target range and shoot more guns, but I don't ever want to shoot something living or even own a gun.
12. I didn't drink and only smoked two puffs of a joint all through high school. I wasn't trying to be a goody goody, I just already knew by then that I had serious mental health issues (though I wasn't diagnosed with anything) and felt that being straight edge was my only hope of getting through high school as sanely as possible. It worked!
13. The first time I smoked pot and it actually got me ripped was when I went with some queerdos to the Pink Floyd and the Doors Lazer Light Show at the Planetarium in Vancouver. We hot boxed in the parking lot with a joint made of pot, hash, and oil. It was the best trip ever and when I got to the bathroom everything SLOOOOOWED DOOOOOOWN! It took me ten minutes (in my head) to wash and dry my hands, and I kept giggling.
14. I used to be really into anti-psychiatry, but now I am into being critical of psychiatry and not anti. The reason is because the anti-psychiatry people seem to tell everyone that we can just throw away our meds and be sane on a diet of herbs and sunshine and exercise, and I think that is really irresponsible. I did follow their advice and ended up having my second manic psychosis when I was 28-29. My 29th birthday was spent in the psych ward here in Saskatoon. Yeah the meds do bad things, but some of us need them.
15. I am afraid that the apocalypse will happen and I won't have access to my psych meds, and will end up being a raving mad street preacher trying to live off my lactations while everything goes to hell.
16. I was always trying to set up clubs when I was a kid, but mostly because I liked making the membership cards. I would draw on them and then laminate them by using white glue to stick saran wrap onto the cards. It works surprisingly well. But no one ever came to my clubs. Once in high school I tried to start the first Gay-Straight Alliance but it just ended up being me and this bisexual friend and our gay friend sitting on the front lawn eating chips. After that meeting there were no more. Maybe I should have made some membership cards!
17. When I was a very small girl I used to feel what some folks call God in the sunshine and the plants. I don't get the same feeling anymore, but intellectually I still understand the concept.
18. I was a transman for six months and my name was Sarain. It was different, that is for sure. But in the end I decided to go back to being Thirza because I realized I really like my secondary female sex characteristics. My Mum had a really hard time with all the he him his and my boy name, so she was relieved when I decided to stay a butch girl. I realized there were things about becoming a boy that I found really boring and unappealing, whereas I can be a butch girl and do masculine things and still have lovely womanly things.
19. I came out to my mom on February 22, 1993. I was fourteen. It was the scariest thing I had ever done at that point and she was really good about it. She had to go away on a Canada Council jury so while she was in Ottawa she went to the Women's bookstore and talked to some young lesbians who loaded her up with all the books they thought a baby dyke should have. The only ones I remember now were Lesbian Sex and three different Dykes To Watch Out For books.
20. I would like to get married! :D However I think the cost of weddings is outrageous, so I have decided I would rather go to a justice of the peace with maybe two witnesses and then have a big party with all our friends.
21. I was actively Christian after my first psychosis, but since then have gone back to my non-worshipping self. I believe in a grand spirit, but I don't think it cares if I go to a building with a high roof and a history of protecting pedophiles. Also I find so much vocal Christianity to be really hateful.
22. When I was living in Vancouver I decided I HAD TO HAVE a dachshund! But when I got word of this rescue doxie looking for a home the woman I called ridiculed me for having a job and not having a yard. I did end up with a Mister Man long haired black and tan dachshund not long after I moved to Saskatoon. He makes me really happy. I love dogs. I prefer them to cats, although I do have a Beatrix kitty.
23. I have always been the first one to say I Love You. I would like the be the one who gets to say I Love You Too. But I usually make all the first moves anyway. Still, it would be nice to hear it before I say it.
24. My first real girlfriend (not the one I lost my virginity to) was hopelessly vanilla. I am now glad she dumped me because I don't think it would have worked out.
25. I've had below the belt piercings three times, but currently only wear one. It's sparkly, has little gems on it, I would dearly like to show someone. When I first got pierced I used to whip down my pants for anyone who wanted to see, I was kind of shameless. This time I am being coy. Although I just wrote this paragraph. Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.
Wasabi Rice Crackers are not my Favorite
Neither are Wasabi peas when I think about it. And when I have sushi I use wasabi very sparingly.
In Vancouver there is an ice cream shop that has a bazillion flavours and one of them is Wasabi, I have never tried it.
I'm feeling positive about moving on from my bitch ex. When I think about it there is something kind of creepy about her. I can't put my finger on it. There's something kind of paternalistic about her, is that what I mean? Maybe. Like a moral superiority. I hate that. I think there is something human about making mistakes and doing risky behaviours. All I know is that she was horrified by me when I was sick the last time and it has always bothered me. I need someone with some empathy.
I am actually thinking maybe it would be more sensible to date other persons living with mental health issues. I am tired of the Norms. They don't GET IT! My cousin and his girlfriend are both bipolars . . . well I wouldn't choose their relationship as an exemplary example though. My best friends often have some kind of mood disorder going on with them, and I think I am such good friends with them because of it, we have common ground you know.
Anyway, it's all ridiculous for me to think about because I actually have to get ready to present my work in Kelowna in a couple of weeks and also make a DVD of my videos for Berlin AND also do all the curatorial work for this Queer Youth video program at Entzaubert this year. Speaking of which, when I put in Queer Youth Videos in google the whole damn feed has been colonized by the It Gets Better project, which is fine if I want to lecture youth with videos by adults, but that is NOT what I have in mind at all! I am looking for work made BY queer youth about their experiences and so forth. It kind of pisses me off that the It Gets Better project is choking out the few links of queer youth driven video projects. Also as someone who has been in an institution after high school (and I'm not talking art school) I know that it doesn't necessarily get any better. And besides that I take issue with adults telling suicidal youth they have to suffer through youth based oppression until adulthood.
Anyway, I have two videos I know I want to show for sure. One is James Diamond's video where he comes out to his mom, it is really intense.
I want to make more beautiful art! Something that will resonate with just the right people.
I have an appointment with the Disability Loans people on Monday morning, but I have to change it because my Chapan's funeral is on Monday. There, I just sent off an email to change it to Wednesday. BUT I must remember that I have my coaching session from 12 - 12:30 and my SUPER IMPORTANT doctor's appointment at 1. Maybe I can meet them in the morning or after 2. I also have to get to work on polishing up my business plan, AND I still have to do my Credit Check and get my score and report. I's afeard! But better to know. Plus I think my Identity was stolen in Vancouver when I lost my birth certificate in a Scotiabank dumpster.
I also have to get a cell phone, SOOOOOOOON! It's going to be my business line, plus people have explicitly told me to get a cell phone because they try to get a hold of me and I am not always home. It's the WAY OF THE FUTURE! My lovely friend Robin finally got one but adamantly refuses to text with me when I get mine. So I will have to listen to her melodius voice instead. Crap I spelled that wrong. Melodyious???? Pbbt!
Anyway, I had better get in touch with my distributors and see if they have any of my videos on DVD's for me to screen. And where did my Mom go????? She left the house! :O Probably doing fancy art work like, OH! I know where she is, she is at the sign painters!
Cell phone cell phone cell phone. I want an android! I have decided not to get an iPhone because they are kind of fucked up in how they approve apps and how much money they take from news subscriptions. Carrie talked me into it. She has an android and loves it. SHE has an app that will turn off the sound just by shaking it back and forth! I was duly impressed. And D'Arcy has an app that translates other spoken languages instantly! I think the Germans might be annoyed if I hold up a phone to find out what they are saying, but who knows when it could come in handy!
Watch this video! I keep thinking of this song when I am laying down trying to go to sleep. It is Backstabber by the Dresden Dolls.
In Vancouver there is an ice cream shop that has a bazillion flavours and one of them is Wasabi, I have never tried it.
I'm feeling positive about moving on from my bitch ex. When I think about it there is something kind of creepy about her. I can't put my finger on it. There's something kind of paternalistic about her, is that what I mean? Maybe. Like a moral superiority. I hate that. I think there is something human about making mistakes and doing risky behaviours. All I know is that she was horrified by me when I was sick the last time and it has always bothered me. I need someone with some empathy.
I am actually thinking maybe it would be more sensible to date other persons living with mental health issues. I am tired of the Norms. They don't GET IT! My cousin and his girlfriend are both bipolars . . . well I wouldn't choose their relationship as an exemplary example though. My best friends often have some kind of mood disorder going on with them, and I think I am such good friends with them because of it, we have common ground you know.
Anyway, it's all ridiculous for me to think about because I actually have to get ready to present my work in Kelowna in a couple of weeks and also make a DVD of my videos for Berlin AND also do all the curatorial work for this Queer Youth video program at Entzaubert this year. Speaking of which, when I put in Queer Youth Videos in google the whole damn feed has been colonized by the It Gets Better project, which is fine if I want to lecture youth with videos by adults, but that is NOT what I have in mind at all! I am looking for work made BY queer youth about their experiences and so forth. It kind of pisses me off that the It Gets Better project is choking out the few links of queer youth driven video projects. Also as someone who has been in an institution after high school (and I'm not talking art school) I know that it doesn't necessarily get any better. And besides that I take issue with adults telling suicidal youth they have to suffer through youth based oppression until adulthood.
Anyway, I have two videos I know I want to show for sure. One is James Diamond's video where he comes out to his mom, it is really intense.
I want to make more beautiful art! Something that will resonate with just the right people.
I have an appointment with the Disability Loans people on Monday morning, but I have to change it because my Chapan's funeral is on Monday. There, I just sent off an email to change it to Wednesday. BUT I must remember that I have my coaching session from 12 - 12:30 and my SUPER IMPORTANT doctor's appointment at 1. Maybe I can meet them in the morning or after 2. I also have to get to work on polishing up my business plan, AND I still have to do my Credit Check and get my score and report. I's afeard! But better to know. Plus I think my Identity was stolen in Vancouver when I lost my birth certificate in a Scotiabank dumpster.
I also have to get a cell phone, SOOOOOOOON! It's going to be my business line, plus people have explicitly told me to get a cell phone because they try to get a hold of me and I am not always home. It's the WAY OF THE FUTURE! My lovely friend Robin finally got one but adamantly refuses to text with me when I get mine. So I will have to listen to her melodius voice instead. Crap I spelled that wrong. Melodyious???? Pbbt!
Anyway, I had better get in touch with my distributors and see if they have any of my videos on DVD's for me to screen. And where did my Mom go????? She left the house! :O Probably doing fancy art work like, OH! I know where she is, she is at the sign painters!
Cell phone cell phone cell phone. I want an android! I have decided not to get an iPhone because they are kind of fucked up in how they approve apps and how much money they take from news subscriptions. Carrie talked me into it. She has an android and loves it. SHE has an app that will turn off the sound just by shaking it back and forth! I was duly impressed. And D'Arcy has an app that translates other spoken languages instantly! I think the Germans might be annoyed if I hold up a phone to find out what they are saying, but who knows when it could come in handy!
Watch this video! I keep thinking of this song when I am laying down trying to go to sleep. It is Backstabber by the Dresden Dolls.
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
Moving forward, moving on, moving parts
My business is starting to come together. I got my certificate and articles of Incorporation in the mail today, I called the First Nations Bank to set up an appointment for a business bank account (Mr. Mr. still hasn't called back yet though) and I got in touch with an Entrepreneurs With Disabilities program which offers small business loans of a maximum of $15,000, which is almost the exact figure I need. I am meeting with them Monday morning at 10 am. I have to do my credit score and report still, and I eventually will need a business license. Once I get my loan I can do my favorite thing . . . SHOPPING! I will be getting a desktop computer and a laptop, along with all my software, furniture, accessories, etc. And then I can start actually working! I'm nervous, I hope all goes well at the meeting. They need to see my business plan, so I'm glad I did so much work on it, but I do have more work to do still.
I also have to move my bedroom to the other side of the basement and paint it and get it ready for becoming an office where I will do all the editing and blah de blah. And generally make the basement seem nicer and more inviting to people who will be sitting down here with me working on their masterpieces. I think maybe I should set up a microwave and coffee maker down here. Maybe I should even get a tiny fridge.
My ex sent me a harsh email! She said I didn't have the strength to be with her, that I had no willpower, no ambition, and no drive! :O I was shocked! I feel like she's judged me so much based on my fucked up year when I got sick. And besides that, if I have anything it's got to be ambition, I've always been ridiculously ambitious. Whatever. She sure didn't stick around when I got sick, and even though I have been stable for nearly four years now, there is always the possibility of a breakthrough episode even with all these pills I swallow twice a day. Can I really afford to be with someone who's just going to bail when I have a health problem? More to the point, why be with someone who so clearly doesn't understand me or why I do what I do? She says she was waiting for me to figure out my life. So when is my life all figured out enough for a serious relationship??? Do I have to have some kind of action plan on every aspect of everything? Do I need to know what I am going to be doing when I am 50????
Anyway, I do have my life figured out. I am going to edit, curate, write, produce, direct until I die! Isn't that enough? Maybe she isn't artist friendly, she sure does have some kind of different idea of what and why I do art. She'd probably do better with someone boring like an investment banker or a stock broker. At least they would keep her in the manner to which she is accustomed, while I am still living in drips and drabs of money coming in once in a while.
Mamas don't let your babies grow up to be stock brokers!
Well that's over anyway. I was really close to finally closing the book on the whole thing before this email came in. Why should I jump through some invisible hoops just to go for coffee with an ex lover? And anyway, why be with someone who has such a low opinion of me? I'm worth way more than that. Maybe I'm not worth much to her because I've had health issues that have curtailed my life starting in my mid twenties. But I hate that, it's such an immature view of relationships, that people must be at their pinnacle of health and not have a backstory of trauma. I hate when I try to talk about certain exes and people say "Oh, wasn't she fucked up?" Um, aren't YOU fucked up for saying that? Who doesn't have some shit going on in their life? Show me ONE PERFECT PERSON!
Besides, some of the people I have known at their most fucked up have still done intensely beautiful amazing things with their lives. I am impressed by tenacity and bravery. And if you have everything going for you already, you don't really have to be brave.
At least I have an answer now, I can say "OKAY! This mindset she has is why it didn't and won't work!" And now I can move on! :D
And like I mentioned in the last post, there ARE a few ladies I am interested in who seem kind of interested in me. Like maybe three of them? But one doesn't live here.
Either way, maybe starting a serious relationship AND my own company is all a little much at once. Maybe I should just keep taking it SLOOOOOOOOOOOOOW. Build up the antici-
pation!
My Great Grandmother died this morning, leaving her house to my Dad. Now he has three houses! He said I could move into one of them, but they are on the reserve and in a small town and I think it would kill my home based business if I moved that far away from the city. Plus I have no car. No car! Hell, I don't even have a driver's license!
I really do want a house of my own though. With three bedrooms, one for me, one for my partner when she doesn't want to sleep with me (should I ever get one) or to use as a spare room, and one for my editing suite. In a nice neighborhood with tall trees and shapely grass. I don't know why grass would be shapely, I just wanted to use that word. Have you ever walked on SHARP grass? Like lawn grass? It's weird and it hurts!
Anyway, I have to find a way to get to my Chapan's funeral. Chapan is a Cree word for great grandparent. I don't know who I will get a ride with. I don't even remember her, though I met her when I was learning to walk. That is a LONG time ago now!
I am listening to this great song by PJ Harvey off her new album Let England Shake. It's called The Words That Maketh Murder. Have a listen!
I also have to move my bedroom to the other side of the basement and paint it and get it ready for becoming an office where I will do all the editing and blah de blah. And generally make the basement seem nicer and more inviting to people who will be sitting down here with me working on their masterpieces. I think maybe I should set up a microwave and coffee maker down here. Maybe I should even get a tiny fridge.
My ex sent me a harsh email! She said I didn't have the strength to be with her, that I had no willpower, no ambition, and no drive! :O I was shocked! I feel like she's judged me so much based on my fucked up year when I got sick. And besides that, if I have anything it's got to be ambition, I've always been ridiculously ambitious. Whatever. She sure didn't stick around when I got sick, and even though I have been stable for nearly four years now, there is always the possibility of a breakthrough episode even with all these pills I swallow twice a day. Can I really afford to be with someone who's just going to bail when I have a health problem? More to the point, why be with someone who so clearly doesn't understand me or why I do what I do? She says she was waiting for me to figure out my life. So when is my life all figured out enough for a serious relationship??? Do I have to have some kind of action plan on every aspect of everything? Do I need to know what I am going to be doing when I am 50????
Anyway, I do have my life figured out. I am going to edit, curate, write, produce, direct until I die! Isn't that enough? Maybe she isn't artist friendly, she sure does have some kind of different idea of what and why I do art. She'd probably do better with someone boring like an investment banker or a stock broker. At least they would keep her in the manner to which she is accustomed, while I am still living in drips and drabs of money coming in once in a while.
Mamas don't let your babies grow up to be stock brokers!
Well that's over anyway. I was really close to finally closing the book on the whole thing before this email came in. Why should I jump through some invisible hoops just to go for coffee with an ex lover? And anyway, why be with someone who has such a low opinion of me? I'm worth way more than that. Maybe I'm not worth much to her because I've had health issues that have curtailed my life starting in my mid twenties. But I hate that, it's such an immature view of relationships, that people must be at their pinnacle of health and not have a backstory of trauma. I hate when I try to talk about certain exes and people say "Oh, wasn't she fucked up?" Um, aren't YOU fucked up for saying that? Who doesn't have some shit going on in their life? Show me ONE PERFECT PERSON!
Besides, some of the people I have known at their most fucked up have still done intensely beautiful amazing things with their lives. I am impressed by tenacity and bravery. And if you have everything going for you already, you don't really have to be brave.
At least I have an answer now, I can say "OKAY! This mindset she has is why it didn't and won't work!" And now I can move on! :D
And like I mentioned in the last post, there ARE a few ladies I am interested in who seem kind of interested in me. Like maybe three of them? But one doesn't live here.
Either way, maybe starting a serious relationship AND my own company is all a little much at once. Maybe I should just keep taking it SLOOOOOOOOOOOOOW. Build up the antici-
pation!
My Great Grandmother died this morning, leaving her house to my Dad. Now he has three houses! He said I could move into one of them, but they are on the reserve and in a small town and I think it would kill my home based business if I moved that far away from the city. Plus I have no car. No car! Hell, I don't even have a driver's license!
I really do want a house of my own though. With three bedrooms, one for me, one for my partner when she doesn't want to sleep with me (should I ever get one) or to use as a spare room, and one for my editing suite. In a nice neighborhood with tall trees and shapely grass. I don't know why grass would be shapely, I just wanted to use that word. Have you ever walked on SHARP grass? Like lawn grass? It's weird and it hurts!
Anyway, I have to find a way to get to my Chapan's funeral. Chapan is a Cree word for great grandparent. I don't know who I will get a ride with. I don't even remember her, though I met her when I was learning to walk. That is a LONG time ago now!
I am listening to this great song by PJ Harvey off her new album Let England Shake. It's called The Words That Maketh Murder. Have a listen!
Sunday, February 20, 2011
True Crush Confessions!
I went to Taboo this year with my friend Carrie and I have to fess up, I SMOKED! And not just one either! :O But it's all cool because I bought an impact toy there that someone can punish me with later.
ACTUALLY now I have noticed I have more phlegm in my throat after smoking so much. It is clear my body would prefer to not smoke.
Anyway, there's my confession. But I have not had a cigarette since getting home!
I found out this morning (early afternoon actually) that I am going to Berlin this July! I'm so excited, and I have to do a whole bunch of work for it like curate a queer youth program and author a DVD of my selected videos for my retrospective. It will be good for me to get some more experience in DVD Authoring for my business, specifically in making chapters in a video. I've yet to do that, having made DVD's of short tapes mainly, and not needing chapters at all!
I am looking forward to seeing some folks in Berlin and getting out of Canada at some point this year. Although I know I will get homesick for my country. Missing Cheezies and Good Host Ice Tea. Canadian culinary classics!
That being said I haven't had any Cheezies for at least two weeks and it hasn't broken my heart.
I have started coming to this amazing realization that even though being in poly relationships has so far just been this default style for so long (queer ladies love that poly stuff!) ACTUALLY I really like the freedom inherent within it. I like that I can have a girlfriend who I love and loves me and there won't be an issue if I happen to meet another lady who is kissable and more. The only thing I haven't liked in the past is when I don't feel special. I don't quite know what I mean by that. I was going to say "Primary" but then that's kind of a weird way of being. Although I think I would like a primary partner and then casual lovers, I don't know if I could keep two intense relationships going at once. But who knows? I just think it is easier to find lovers than a longterm committed POLY relationship with someone, so I would be surprised if I ended up with two or more SERIOUS girlfriends. But one serious girlfriend/wife and a bunch of casual lovers would be nice.
I was talking with a friend today about having a poly household and I remembered the year I thought having a girlfriend and a houseboy would be nice. I think the houseboy would be genderqueer. I don't even know if our houseboy would have a flesh and blood penis. I would want someone who gets off on cleaning, because I really hate cleaning. And then I could come along and paddle them for missing a spot! And my wife would do some other thing to them, and we would all be happy! Except I think they would have their own room, probably in the basement of our house. Or over the garage. Ha ha, I doubt that will ever happen, but it makes me smile!
I have had a SHITASTIC week for taking morning and night meds. I have been so crap at it! And it makes me feel bad because I don't intend to not take them, I just forget and then I'm like "Aw fuck!" And when I move my head a certain way I heard this weird noise and it's just this classic side effect from getting off an antidepressant, almost like paxil zaps but not painful! I've been crappy! I am actually doing pretty well except for the noises, but I still know it's because I have had those meds in my system for a long time and it takes weeks for the effects to wear off completely. I am still committed to taking them, but I am going to have to figure out the best way to remind myself!
I've had a crush on this one girl for a while now, it's been making me smile. Someone other than The Love Of My Life, who is still not interested in me. But I don't want to make any sudden moves and scare her off, even writing this paragraph feels a bit dodgy. She's pretty special though and I am super curious about her and spending more time with her. So far everything I have learned about her I like. She has awesome politics and is super hot and involved in her community and creative, and those are all things I really appreciate. And we have other things in common. And she's femme! Wait, that's wrong, she's Femme, very much a capitalized Femme! She is NOT a Saskatoon girl though. And I don't really know what she thinks of me, if she's thinking of me in a sexy way. I feel like the not living in proximity to each other is limiting, for sure, so I really don't know. I feel like I want to get to know her better, but the internet is not the best way to learn someone's dreams and desires and preferences. And you can't kiss someone on the internet. I haven't talked about her on here really because she makes me shy and I think she might read this once in a while. And in case you are wondering, I have kissed her and she is a GOOD KISSER! :D
I like Butch-Femme relationships! They are my favorite! Butch-Butch doesn't do it for me usually, but sometimes it has. I really appreciate Femme women because my dynamic with them is really sweet and I feel safe enough to let out my mushy squishy vulnerable side. And I think they are so beautiful. And I like being able to hold Femme women when they are telling me things that make them super vulnerable and feeling happy that they trust me that much.
My ex-girlfriend Amber Dawn (OMG! I am about to plug my ex!) has a piece in the book "Persistence: All Ways Butch and Femme" called "To All the Butches I Loved Between 1995 and 2005: An Open Letter about Selling Sex, Selling Out, and Soldiering On" and I haven't read it yet!!!! I am super curious, because we dated in 2000. And it WAS an intense relationship with a lot of fucking and talking and mornings spent in greasy spoons on Commercial and TRYING so hard and she was in the sex trade at the time and I'd never had ANY experience being in a intimate relationship with a sex worker. And I remember a lot of people gave me shit for dating someone who was in that kind of work, when there was SO MUCH other stuff going on with her too that was amazing and lovely to be around. And both of us were going through our own shit too. It was doomed from the start. But it also had really sweet and tender moments. I still remember going with her to see Chicken Run and she wanted a chicken pot pie after! :O
She wrote this really great line in it which is all I have seen so far. She wrote "Ours was an elbow-grease, adult-children-of-alcoholics, there-ain’t-no-such-thing-as-a-free-lunch butch-femme. That’s right, let’s say it again. Ours was a damaged-goods, bitter-pill, better-luck-next-time butch-femme.”
Yes it was, yes it was!
And I was undiagnosed. That was a mess!
I have no advice for people who are S.O.'s of a sex worker. I don't think I did a very good job of it. I was worried about her most of the time, it was pretty stressful. And I didn't have many people to talk about it with, because so many people thought bad things about my dating her simply because of prevailing idea that sex workers are low lifes. I didn't like people making assumptions about her without meeting her or knowing all the things she was involved in like making trans-inclusive queer sex shows or writing her novel or doing performances.
Well, I guess I am still trying to sow seeds for a loving poly relationship to flourish in my life. It's not going to happen with Rheanne, that is for sure! It's funny, maybe I was attracted to her because I was curious about monogamy, which is ridiculous because she is not single anyway and won't leave her partner. I just have this idea that monogamy is easier/lazier. But maybe it just gets boring or stifling or frustrating. I mean, hell, I don't know, I've never been monogamous!
ACTUALLY now I have noticed I have more phlegm in my throat after smoking so much. It is clear my body would prefer to not smoke.
Anyway, there's my confession. But I have not had a cigarette since getting home!
I found out this morning (early afternoon actually) that I am going to Berlin this July! I'm so excited, and I have to do a whole bunch of work for it like curate a queer youth program and author a DVD of my selected videos for my retrospective. It will be good for me to get some more experience in DVD Authoring for my business, specifically in making chapters in a video. I've yet to do that, having made DVD's of short tapes mainly, and not needing chapters at all!
I am looking forward to seeing some folks in Berlin and getting out of Canada at some point this year. Although I know I will get homesick for my country. Missing Cheezies and Good Host Ice Tea. Canadian culinary classics!
That being said I haven't had any Cheezies for at least two weeks and it hasn't broken my heart.
I have started coming to this amazing realization that even though being in poly relationships has so far just been this default style for so long (queer ladies love that poly stuff!) ACTUALLY I really like the freedom inherent within it. I like that I can have a girlfriend who I love and loves me and there won't be an issue if I happen to meet another lady who is kissable and more. The only thing I haven't liked in the past is when I don't feel special. I don't quite know what I mean by that. I was going to say "Primary" but then that's kind of a weird way of being. Although I think I would like a primary partner and then casual lovers, I don't know if I could keep two intense relationships going at once. But who knows? I just think it is easier to find lovers than a longterm committed POLY relationship with someone, so I would be surprised if I ended up with two or more SERIOUS girlfriends. But one serious girlfriend/wife and a bunch of casual lovers would be nice.
I was talking with a friend today about having a poly household and I remembered the year I thought having a girlfriend and a houseboy would be nice. I think the houseboy would be genderqueer. I don't even know if our houseboy would have a flesh and blood penis. I would want someone who gets off on cleaning, because I really hate cleaning. And then I could come along and paddle them for missing a spot! And my wife would do some other thing to them, and we would all be happy! Except I think they would have their own room, probably in the basement of our house. Or over the garage. Ha ha, I doubt that will ever happen, but it makes me smile!
I have had a SHITASTIC week for taking morning and night meds. I have been so crap at it! And it makes me feel bad because I don't intend to not take them, I just forget and then I'm like "Aw fuck!" And when I move my head a certain way I heard this weird noise and it's just this classic side effect from getting off an antidepressant, almost like paxil zaps but not painful! I've been crappy! I am actually doing pretty well except for the noises, but I still know it's because I have had those meds in my system for a long time and it takes weeks for the effects to wear off completely. I am still committed to taking them, but I am going to have to figure out the best way to remind myself!
I've had a crush on this one girl for a while now, it's been making me smile. Someone other than The Love Of My Life, who is still not interested in me. But I don't want to make any sudden moves and scare her off, even writing this paragraph feels a bit dodgy. She's pretty special though and I am super curious about her and spending more time with her. So far everything I have learned about her I like. She has awesome politics and is super hot and involved in her community and creative, and those are all things I really appreciate. And we have other things in common. And she's femme! Wait, that's wrong, she's Femme, very much a capitalized Femme! She is NOT a Saskatoon girl though. And I don't really know what she thinks of me, if she's thinking of me in a sexy way. I feel like the not living in proximity to each other is limiting, for sure, so I really don't know. I feel like I want to get to know her better, but the internet is not the best way to learn someone's dreams and desires and preferences. And you can't kiss someone on the internet. I haven't talked about her on here really because she makes me shy and I think she might read this once in a while. And in case you are wondering, I have kissed her and she is a GOOD KISSER! :D
I like Butch-Femme relationships! They are my favorite! Butch-Butch doesn't do it for me usually, but sometimes it has. I really appreciate Femme women because my dynamic with them is really sweet and I feel safe enough to let out my mushy squishy vulnerable side. And I think they are so beautiful. And I like being able to hold Femme women when they are telling me things that make them super vulnerable and feeling happy that they trust me that much.
My ex-girlfriend Amber Dawn (OMG! I am about to plug my ex!) has a piece in the book "Persistence: All Ways Butch and Femme" called "To All the Butches I Loved Between 1995 and 2005: An Open Letter about Selling Sex, Selling Out, and Soldiering On" and I haven't read it yet!!!! I am super curious, because we dated in 2000. And it WAS an intense relationship with a lot of fucking and talking and mornings spent in greasy spoons on Commercial and TRYING so hard and she was in the sex trade at the time and I'd never had ANY experience being in a intimate relationship with a sex worker. And I remember a lot of people gave me shit for dating someone who was in that kind of work, when there was SO MUCH other stuff going on with her too that was amazing and lovely to be around. And both of us were going through our own shit too. It was doomed from the start. But it also had really sweet and tender moments. I still remember going with her to see Chicken Run and she wanted a chicken pot pie after! :O
She wrote this really great line in it which is all I have seen so far. She wrote "Ours was an elbow-grease, adult-children-of-alcoholics, there-ain’t-no-such-thing-as-a-free-lunch butch-femme. That’s right, let’s say it again. Ours was a damaged-goods, bitter-pill, better-luck-next-time butch-femme.”
Yes it was, yes it was!
And I was undiagnosed. That was a mess!
I have no advice for people who are S.O.'s of a sex worker. I don't think I did a very good job of it. I was worried about her most of the time, it was pretty stressful. And I didn't have many people to talk about it with, because so many people thought bad things about my dating her simply because of prevailing idea that sex workers are low lifes. I didn't like people making assumptions about her without meeting her or knowing all the things she was involved in like making trans-inclusive queer sex shows or writing her novel or doing performances.
Well, I guess I am still trying to sow seeds for a loving poly relationship to flourish in my life. It's not going to happen with Rheanne, that is for sure! It's funny, maybe I was attracted to her because I was curious about monogamy, which is ridiculous because she is not single anyway and won't leave her partner. I just have this idea that monogamy is easier/lazier. But maybe it just gets boring or stifling or frustrating. I mean, hell, I don't know, I've never been monogamous!
Friday, February 18, 2011
I Could Kill Myself With My Panties
I have narrowed my topics I want to cover in the next video to being institutionalized, which means I am going to shoot my next video based on a short story with illustrations which I self published in the Fit Of Pique zine. It's called I Could Kill Myself With My Panties, because that's what I was told when I lost my bra and panty privileges in the Montreal psych ward I was in.
I am going to do it like a lot of my other videos, with a voice over reading out the text. But I also need to come up with a visual look for it. I am thinking I will do some drawings based on the visual imagery in the story and scan them in and use those. So I have to do some reading and notations.
INSIDER SCOOP!!!! How Thirza Writes a Short Video Script (usually).
Usually I write the monologue first, and I always seem to do a monologue. Then I print it off and start writing images and shots in the margins. From this I make a shot list, and after shooting from there I put the whole thing back together into a cohesive form in editing. Editing is where the video really comes together because I will often add another crucial image to it and do more shooting. Plus I come up with more interesting soundscapes when I actually have images to work with.
Aside from that, I am busy getting stuff done for my business start up. I have to do some work on that this weekend actually.
I am waiting on some important mail, artist fees and my articles of Incorporation. I'm pretty excited for both!
I wish I had a better place for drawing, maybe I would be into it more if I had somewhere to draw. Also I would like to manipulate it with photoshop and maybe make some quasi animated imagery. I should go look for what drawings I have for that story already and then highlight other images in the text. And I should look on some creative commons sound effect sites for some relevant sounds.
What does an institution sound like? Well there are screams for sure.
I also have to set myself up in the basement finally. For my business I am moving out of the bedroom and into the more open other side of the basement, where I have to also set up a living room type space with my tv and all that set up. I have one armchair and I might get another chair down there. But I should really set it up so that my bed can be used for tv watching, because then it is also the perfect make out spot!
I wish I had Pro Tools, I love Pro Tools so much! I want to marry it!
I wish the basement wasn't such a weird space, I am sure it is haunted, but there is no where else for me to live at the moment so I kind of have to suck it up. Plus it's easier for me to have a homebased business here than a home where I am renting. I'm renting here too, but my mom OWNS the place and is fine with me operating a business out of her basement.
I went and did something stupid. I wrote a letter of desire to the love of my life and SHE NEVER WROTE BACK! :O I feel stupid. I don't know why I throw my heart onto the ground for her to stomp on all the time. She's so never going to be with me, I don't know why I even bother. I guess there is always that fragile hope that blooms and then withers and dies. It's a perennial type of hope.
I'm looking forward to the spring flowers this year. Maybe this year I will even make enough money to have some cherry blossoms tattooed onto my left forearm. Nice pink ones, all delicate and happy, against a blue sky.
I am going to do it like a lot of my other videos, with a voice over reading out the text. But I also need to come up with a visual look for it. I am thinking I will do some drawings based on the visual imagery in the story and scan them in and use those. So I have to do some reading and notations.
INSIDER SCOOP!!!! How Thirza Writes a Short Video Script (usually).
Usually I write the monologue first, and I always seem to do a monologue. Then I print it off and start writing images and shots in the margins. From this I make a shot list, and after shooting from there I put the whole thing back together into a cohesive form in editing. Editing is where the video really comes together because I will often add another crucial image to it and do more shooting. Plus I come up with more interesting soundscapes when I actually have images to work with.
Aside from that, I am busy getting stuff done for my business start up. I have to do some work on that this weekend actually.
I am waiting on some important mail, artist fees and my articles of Incorporation. I'm pretty excited for both!
I wish I had a better place for drawing, maybe I would be into it more if I had somewhere to draw. Also I would like to manipulate it with photoshop and maybe make some quasi animated imagery. I should go look for what drawings I have for that story already and then highlight other images in the text. And I should look on some creative commons sound effect sites for some relevant sounds.
What does an institution sound like? Well there are screams for sure.
I also have to set myself up in the basement finally. For my business I am moving out of the bedroom and into the more open other side of the basement, where I have to also set up a living room type space with my tv and all that set up. I have one armchair and I might get another chair down there. But I should really set it up so that my bed can be used for tv watching, because then it is also the perfect make out spot!
I wish I had Pro Tools, I love Pro Tools so much! I want to marry it!
I wish the basement wasn't such a weird space, I am sure it is haunted, but there is no where else for me to live at the moment so I kind of have to suck it up. Plus it's easier for me to have a homebased business here than a home where I am renting. I'm renting here too, but my mom OWNS the place and is fine with me operating a business out of her basement.
I went and did something stupid. I wrote a letter of desire to the love of my life and SHE NEVER WROTE BACK! :O I feel stupid. I don't know why I throw my heart onto the ground for her to stomp on all the time. She's so never going to be with me, I don't know why I even bother. I guess there is always that fragile hope that blooms and then withers and dies. It's a perennial type of hope.
I'm looking forward to the spring flowers this year. Maybe this year I will even make enough money to have some cherry blossoms tattooed onto my left forearm. Nice pink ones, all delicate and happy, against a blue sky.
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
Persnickety!
I seem to have quit drinking pop. As an experiment. And so far the tummy pain has stopped. My friend Jasmine used to get gallbladder attacks triggered by pop. It's so weird what will trigger an attack. So now I have to go on without my favorite drink. I'm not as heartbroken as I thought I would be. But it was a constant in my life since I was old enough to drink it. It's probably put me at a horrible risk of diabetes, and my race, and my medication, both also contribute towards that.
Bleh. It's been since Friday that I have had a cigarette. I have had one to two lozenges everyday when I get really cravy, but so far it has been okay. OMG! I hope this is it, for serious, no more cigarettes!
In other news, I now am CEO of a corporation. :)
Wacky, that's for sure! It sounds like I should be making the equivalent of what an average Canadian makes all year by noon on Jan 1st! But I am not, so far. I am making exactly what the government wants me to make, until my program is over. So everything I make will go back into the business.
I can't use the internet in the basement because something is wrong. :( Oh well, I will figure it out. But also I am tired of writing on my old computer, it's just so OLD!
And persnickety!
ARG! I am tired of trying to convince this girl from my past that I am loveable! I have tried all kinds of ridiculous things and it has never worked!!! I feel like I never properly worked through our ending because I was crazy and every time I tried to talk about how I felt about this significant to me person I would be told not to talk about it! Imagine breaking up with someone who means a lot to you and being told not to talk about your feelings around it! UGH!
And anyway, I really should move on, but it still feels not quite right. I don't know what it is. I wish I could afford my psychic! I don't suppose you could write that off as a business expense. . . no, maybe for entertainment? Meals and Entertainment? Would I have to take my psychic out for dinner?
She's the psychic to the stars now! Complimentary readings by her were part of the gift bags at the Emmy's a couple years ago! And she is a consultant for shows like Ghost Whisperer. And she lives in Saskatoon!
Anyway. I feel like my career has some direction now, but my love life has NO DIRECTIONS at all! Or maybe too many directions. Too bad there isn't really love life counseling. I mean, maybe there is? For singles though??? The only kind of counseling I get is psych nurse counseling and it is more about health than deep seated issues I have. And she doesn't get poly relationships, sooooo, um, well, that's pretty much my whole roster of relationships I have had.
I still want to experiment with monogamy before I die though.
There was an ad on Facebook that kept cropping up all day today that had text reading "Saskatoon Bucket List! 365 Things To Do Before You Die" and next to that was a picture of a woman standing next to a pool in a bathing suit holding a monkey's hand. The monkey was wearing swimming trunks. I don't think I would agree with most things on that bucket list. I can do without swimming with the monkeys. Hell, I don't even want to go swimming with the dolphins!
Bleh. It's been since Friday that I have had a cigarette. I have had one to two lozenges everyday when I get really cravy, but so far it has been okay. OMG! I hope this is it, for serious, no more cigarettes!
In other news, I now am CEO of a corporation. :)
Wacky, that's for sure! It sounds like I should be making the equivalent of what an average Canadian makes all year by noon on Jan 1st! But I am not, so far. I am making exactly what the government wants me to make, until my program is over. So everything I make will go back into the business.
I can't use the internet in the basement because something is wrong. :( Oh well, I will figure it out. But also I am tired of writing on my old computer, it's just so OLD!
And persnickety!
ARG! I am tired of trying to convince this girl from my past that I am loveable! I have tried all kinds of ridiculous things and it has never worked!!! I feel like I never properly worked through our ending because I was crazy and every time I tried to talk about how I felt about this significant to me person I would be told not to talk about it! Imagine breaking up with someone who means a lot to you and being told not to talk about your feelings around it! UGH!
And anyway, I really should move on, but it still feels not quite right. I don't know what it is. I wish I could afford my psychic! I don't suppose you could write that off as a business expense. . . no, maybe for entertainment? Meals and Entertainment? Would I have to take my psychic out for dinner?
She's the psychic to the stars now! Complimentary readings by her were part of the gift bags at the Emmy's a couple years ago! And she is a consultant for shows like Ghost Whisperer. And she lives in Saskatoon!
Anyway. I feel like my career has some direction now, but my love life has NO DIRECTIONS at all! Or maybe too many directions. Too bad there isn't really love life counseling. I mean, maybe there is? For singles though??? The only kind of counseling I get is psych nurse counseling and it is more about health than deep seated issues I have. And she doesn't get poly relationships, sooooo, um, well, that's pretty much my whole roster of relationships I have had.
I still want to experiment with monogamy before I die though.
There was an ad on Facebook that kept cropping up all day today that had text reading "Saskatoon Bucket List! 365 Things To Do Before You Die" and next to that was a picture of a woman standing next to a pool in a bathing suit holding a monkey's hand. The monkey was wearing swimming trunks. I don't think I would agree with most things on that bucket list. I can do without swimming with the monkeys. Hell, I don't even want to go swimming with the dolphins!
Sunday, February 13, 2011
Ongoing Health Issues
I am REALLY tired today. I hardly slept last night because I had this insistent low grade stomach pain from about 10pm until 5am. I was also sharing the bed with my dog and cat, and they collectively took up most of the space and squished me against the wall, my head resting on a pillow resting on a dildo. Not very comfy. I did move the dildo, I'm not that crazy, but it made me realize I need a shelf or something by my bed. Or another box.
But the tummy pain has me worried. I think most of it will stop when I get my gallbladder removed, but that might be a while still. And I am nervous about getting surgery. Eeep!
I have gone two days without a cigarette! And today I didn't use my inhaler or my lozenge or any NRT at all. Just willpower! It seems to be working. I had very little to smoke for the last week, maybe one a day, except friday I totally smoked. But the rest of the weekend, nothing! I really hope this is it.
I really want to go to bed early, I am so tired from last night's rolling about in pain. And I forgot my night meds last night, and today I am hearing this shush shush noise, I am not quite sure what that's from. It could be from getting off my celexa too. But it's just this weird noise, I've gotten it before when I forget a dose of meds.
Tomorrow is Valentine's Day. I am going to spend it as a single, just like I have for 31 years! I can't believe I only had a girlfriend once on Valentines day! Or was it twice? Hmm, one I call my ex but we never sat down and defined what making out whenever we saw each other meant. But she didn't spend Valentine's Day with me either, so I stand by my 31 years of singleness on Valentines Day. I just really liked spring summer fall relationships I guess.
It's not even 9 o'clock yet! But I want to crawl into bed and sleeeeeeeeeeeeeep! Oh it would feel so nice, and my tummy doesn't hurt today!
But the tummy pain has me worried. I think most of it will stop when I get my gallbladder removed, but that might be a while still. And I am nervous about getting surgery. Eeep!
I have gone two days without a cigarette! And today I didn't use my inhaler or my lozenge or any NRT at all. Just willpower! It seems to be working. I had very little to smoke for the last week, maybe one a day, except friday I totally smoked. But the rest of the weekend, nothing! I really hope this is it.
I really want to go to bed early, I am so tired from last night's rolling about in pain. And I forgot my night meds last night, and today I am hearing this shush shush noise, I am not quite sure what that's from. It could be from getting off my celexa too. But it's just this weird noise, I've gotten it before when I forget a dose of meds.
Tomorrow is Valentine's Day. I am going to spend it as a single, just like I have for 31 years! I can't believe I only had a girlfriend once on Valentines day! Or was it twice? Hmm, one I call my ex but we never sat down and defined what making out whenever we saw each other meant. But she didn't spend Valentine's Day with me either, so I stand by my 31 years of singleness on Valentines Day. I just really liked spring summer fall relationships I guess.
It's not even 9 o'clock yet! But I want to crawl into bed and sleeeeeeeeeeeeeep! Oh it would feel so nice, and my tummy doesn't hurt today!
Thursday, February 10, 2011
Special Lady, and me complaining about my body
I've been having terrible stomach pains in the late afternoon/evening/until about 3:00am time ranges. I am not quite sure what is going on. I used to think it was the gallbladder attacks but they are much more sustained and start earlier. I have to go back to a low fat diet, I've been eating not very healthy things recently like PIZZA and Fish and Chips and stuff. I'm worried it will be cancer or something terrible. I was reading about parasites and freaked out too, what if it is round worms eating away at my innards?? EEeeeep!
Either way, pain=bad, unless it is specifically administered pain done in a loving bdsm relationship. Or even not loving, hell, I am not picky.
OH but I am picky. I really want a loving long term relationship and I am stuck on this one specific person! I even made a 6 hour playlist on my iPod so I could think about her and mope about all lovelorn and forlorn! I feel bad, even if she is interested in me she might be scared off by how intense I am emotionally about her. And then what if I do have parasites or cancer and I'm just going to die from being eaten by a worm the size of a tumor?
I've also been getting short of breathe, and like, pains in my chest. It's not very good. I've been quitting smoking, but having maybe one to three cigarettes everyday so far. I had the tiniest cigarette today, but I think I am just going to tough it out the rest of the day, my nicotine inhaler and I. I know something is wrong with me, I just don't know what.
It's so weird to be at a state in my life where I actually WANT to keep living and doing and being. I had such terrible depressions for most of my life that it just seemed too miserable to keep going. I'm glad I did, but I do wish I hadn't started smoking and generally being self destructive to myself.
This year I think I am aiming for having a more consistent bedtime. I am always hearing from the doctor type people who work with people with bipolar disorder that a consistent bedtime is really important for maintaining stability. But I have been partying really late too many times this past year. A few times is okay, but not as much as I have been.
Jeez, stupid health problems. I wish I could just wake up every morning feeling fabulous, and go to sleep with no problems and no pain while holding Special Lady.
That is a good nickname for her actually, and it is even cooler because it sounds like a gun, which I think she would approve of.
She quietly rounded the corner, pulling her Special Lady out of it's holster and aiming square into the back of the perpetrator's head. . .
Well, I may as well post this now. I hope I don't have worms eating through my organs, that would really suck! :S
Either way, pain=bad, unless it is specifically administered pain done in a loving bdsm relationship. Or even not loving, hell, I am not picky.
OH but I am picky. I really want a loving long term relationship and I am stuck on this one specific person! I even made a 6 hour playlist on my iPod so I could think about her and mope about all lovelorn and forlorn! I feel bad, even if she is interested in me she might be scared off by how intense I am emotionally about her. And then what if I do have parasites or cancer and I'm just going to die from being eaten by a worm the size of a tumor?
I've also been getting short of breathe, and like, pains in my chest. It's not very good. I've been quitting smoking, but having maybe one to three cigarettes everyday so far. I had the tiniest cigarette today, but I think I am just going to tough it out the rest of the day, my nicotine inhaler and I. I know something is wrong with me, I just don't know what.
It's so weird to be at a state in my life where I actually WANT to keep living and doing and being. I had such terrible depressions for most of my life that it just seemed too miserable to keep going. I'm glad I did, but I do wish I hadn't started smoking and generally being self destructive to myself.
This year I think I am aiming for having a more consistent bedtime. I am always hearing from the doctor type people who work with people with bipolar disorder that a consistent bedtime is really important for maintaining stability. But I have been partying really late too many times this past year. A few times is okay, but not as much as I have been.
Jeez, stupid health problems. I wish I could just wake up every morning feeling fabulous, and go to sleep with no problems and no pain while holding Special Lady.
That is a good nickname for her actually, and it is even cooler because it sounds like a gun, which I think she would approve of.
She quietly rounded the corner, pulling her Special Lady out of it's holster and aiming square into the back of the perpetrator's head. . .
Well, I may as well post this now. I hope I don't have worms eating through my organs, that would really suck! :S
Sunday, February 06, 2011
The pain of trying to be subversive
I think I was about 19 when I made the conscious decision to become what I called "eccentric" which somehow changed at around 21 to being something like subversive. Or was it self destructive?? Either way, I committed to spending my twenties doing drugs and having sex and going to sexy/bdsm-y events and making controversial art. I don't know if I really succeeded at the sex part. I was pretty active in the first little bit of my twenties, but then there was this extended slump through the last majority of that decade. But I was going to be so damned subversive, and I don't know if I actually managed it. So many of my non-mainstream interests and likes have become mainstream.
It's particularly weird now to be standing at the Co-Op trying to decide on a type of honey with The Cure or Tori Amos or Joy Division playing over the p.a. system. I suppose I am the generation that grocery stores are catering to because I should have a kid by now according to the state of my fertile uterus. But it is scary to hear beloved music as MUZAK!
Time's running out for the eggs! I lose at least one once a month, and eventually the rest will be dust, or scooped out when I end up having a hysterectomy like all the other women in my family. Sometimes I wonder if I should freeze a few, just in case you know. I don't know what's so special about MY dna over other people's though. And I figure I will live on past my shelf life when my brain gets donated to science. Some nerdly scientist will discover the keys to bipolar disorder and make a gigantic breakthrough for all future people with this disease. On the other hand I could have a kid with a huge predisposition to bipolar disorder and have to nurse them through the inevitable early major depressions and suicidal ideation. See, now that just seems kind of cruel.
Is donating my brain subversive enough? Maybe I should donate the whole she-bang. Actually I'd really like my body to rot away on it's own in a facility like the Body Farm. But I don't know if Canada has a Body Farm. Either way, I'd like some kind of green way of disposing of my body.
But I'm getting away from the main topic of this post. I was actually going to talk about new ways I should consider being subversive. Having a mental illness and actually talking about it is pretty damned subversive. I hate when mental illnesses are considered taboo subjects that one shouldn't discuss. OMG! I have to take my meds!
Taken!!!!
Actually it's not that hard to be subversive when you belong to intersecting groups which are all oppressed for various reasons.
You know, being both First Nations and Queer makes my relationship to organized religions (specifically Christian) really adversarial. Not by my design, it just is. My tribe was colonized by the churches and my queer community is always being targeted by the churches as evil and sinful. I'm not sure anymore what Christianity has to offer me. I was really into it when I was 24 just because it's symbolism is so ingrained in mainstream North American culture. But it's not really something I can connect with as well anymore. I think it's mostly because Christ's followers have a lengthy history of committing pretty evil acts against people all over the world.
I don't think I really want to have a religion or specific type of spirituality. I think there is something far grander going on than can be described in English.
It's still early, on a Sunday, I can't be expected to make sense on a SUNDAY!
It's particularly weird now to be standing at the Co-Op trying to decide on a type of honey with The Cure or Tori Amos or Joy Division playing over the p.a. system. I suppose I am the generation that grocery stores are catering to because I should have a kid by now according to the state of my fertile uterus. But it is scary to hear beloved music as MUZAK!
Time's running out for the eggs! I lose at least one once a month, and eventually the rest will be dust, or scooped out when I end up having a hysterectomy like all the other women in my family. Sometimes I wonder if I should freeze a few, just in case you know. I don't know what's so special about MY dna over other people's though. And I figure I will live on past my shelf life when my brain gets donated to science. Some nerdly scientist will discover the keys to bipolar disorder and make a gigantic breakthrough for all future people with this disease. On the other hand I could have a kid with a huge predisposition to bipolar disorder and have to nurse them through the inevitable early major depressions and suicidal ideation. See, now that just seems kind of cruel.
Is donating my brain subversive enough? Maybe I should donate the whole she-bang. Actually I'd really like my body to rot away on it's own in a facility like the Body Farm. But I don't know if Canada has a Body Farm. Either way, I'd like some kind of green way of disposing of my body.
But I'm getting away from the main topic of this post. I was actually going to talk about new ways I should consider being subversive. Having a mental illness and actually talking about it is pretty damned subversive. I hate when mental illnesses are considered taboo subjects that one shouldn't discuss. OMG! I have to take my meds!
Taken!!!!
Actually it's not that hard to be subversive when you belong to intersecting groups which are all oppressed for various reasons.
You know, being both First Nations and Queer makes my relationship to organized religions (specifically Christian) really adversarial. Not by my design, it just is. My tribe was colonized by the churches and my queer community is always being targeted by the churches as evil and sinful. I'm not sure anymore what Christianity has to offer me. I was really into it when I was 24 just because it's symbolism is so ingrained in mainstream North American culture. But it's not really something I can connect with as well anymore. I think it's mostly because Christ's followers have a lengthy history of committing pretty evil acts against people all over the world.
I don't think I really want to have a religion or specific type of spirituality. I think there is something far grander going on than can be described in English.
It's still early, on a Sunday, I can't be expected to make sense on a SUNDAY!
Friday, February 04, 2011
Looking for fun and Feelin' Groovy!
It's cinnamon heart season and that always makes me happy. If someone really wanted to win my heart they could just do away with the flowers and get me a big huge bag of cinnamon hearts! Mmm cinnamon hearts taste like love!
Valentines is coming up. That means some people desperately looking for a mate, some couples trying to be romantic, and some people being bitter and angry. I don't think I fall into any of those categories though. I will be content to sit on the sidelines, watching my friends try to find someone to hump or being romantic with their S.O.'s while I eat my cinnamon heart out!
Valentines day is just an excuse for couples to lord it over their single friends though as if they have made it and are complete human beings while the rest of us limp along with our solitary selves. It's a dumb holiday! I've never had much luck with Valentines day, I think I only had a girlfriend on Valentines day once and I think all we did was have phone sex or something like that (she lived four provinces over).
There's an Anti-Valentines Day party at 302 called Shred Your Ex and while I like the idea of an anti-valentines day party, I don't like the idea of threatening violence against previous intimate partners. So I will probably not go, just based on the name. Oh, and you're supposed to bring a picture of your ex and shred it in the shredder. I dunno, that seems kind of extreme to me just for free cover. I didn't mind taking my pants off for free cover, but shredding any of my ex's photos, no! I like them all, most of them are still good friends of mine.
I am trying to think of places my straight friend could go to meet quality native men, because she's just been looking for a baby daddy in the bars and at casinos and I think that's not such a good idea. Not if you want a quality partner anyway. If you don't care that your lover will always be at the casino or bar then I guess it is okay to meet someone there.
I don't even meet potential partners at bars, I meet them through work or my art career, at festivals, in school, at protests, etc etc. And that one cashier at Safeway I picked up. I forget her name but she was disappointed in our date because I took her to a dessert place and she wanted fries. Oh well.
Oh man, these Cinnamon hearts are bugging my tummy! And I hafta go for a ride! Eeep!
I will report more later!
Valentines is coming up. That means some people desperately looking for a mate, some couples trying to be romantic, and some people being bitter and angry. I don't think I fall into any of those categories though. I will be content to sit on the sidelines, watching my friends try to find someone to hump or being romantic with their S.O.'s while I eat my cinnamon heart out!
Valentines day is just an excuse for couples to lord it over their single friends though as if they have made it and are complete human beings while the rest of us limp along with our solitary selves. It's a dumb holiday! I've never had much luck with Valentines day, I think I only had a girlfriend on Valentines day once and I think all we did was have phone sex or something like that (she lived four provinces over).
There's an Anti-Valentines Day party at 302 called Shred Your Ex and while I like the idea of an anti-valentines day party, I don't like the idea of threatening violence against previous intimate partners. So I will probably not go, just based on the name. Oh, and you're supposed to bring a picture of your ex and shred it in the shredder. I dunno, that seems kind of extreme to me just for free cover. I didn't mind taking my pants off for free cover, but shredding any of my ex's photos, no! I like them all, most of them are still good friends of mine.
I am trying to think of places my straight friend could go to meet quality native men, because she's just been looking for a baby daddy in the bars and at casinos and I think that's not such a good idea. Not if you want a quality partner anyway. If you don't care that your lover will always be at the casino or bar then I guess it is okay to meet someone there.
I don't even meet potential partners at bars, I meet them through work or my art career, at festivals, in school, at protests, etc etc. And that one cashier at Safeway I picked up. I forget her name but she was disappointed in our date because I took her to a dessert place and she wanted fries. Oh well.
Oh man, these Cinnamon hearts are bugging my tummy! And I hafta go for a ride! Eeep!
I will report more later!
Thursday, February 03, 2011
Harm Reduction Part Deux!
In the name of Harm Reduction my mother has convinced me to get a portable vaporizer and use that for my primary smoking. She says it doesn't stink as much and it's also healthier, which is all true. So I went on a little shopping excursion and picked up some lube at Positive Passions and then hopped the bus down Broadway to B.O.B. Headquarters and got a run down on all their portable vaporizers. I ended up getting this small vaporizer that looks like a red aluminum pipe but has a little ceramic stone in it that you heat with your lighter and it vaporizes your herb. It has cut the stink down considerably, and I can feel that it is easier on my throat. Although I still cough sometimes when I suck in too much!
It surprised me that it even worked, the vapor tastes exactly the same as what you get from a Volcano Vaporizer, kind of nutty and popcorny. And it doesn't stink, not like a pipe being smoked, that is for sure. I am still learning how to properly use it and when the ground up bud is all used up. I'm pretty excited about having it though, and I can't wait to show it off to my pot aficionado friends. It also saves money in that I am not burning through my stash nearly as fast as I used to!
Well, I should go to bed. Enough talking about my stash! Which is all theoretical anyway . . . yes.
It surprised me that it even worked, the vapor tastes exactly the same as what you get from a Volcano Vaporizer, kind of nutty and popcorny. And it doesn't stink, not like a pipe being smoked, that is for sure. I am still learning how to properly use it and when the ground up bud is all used up. I'm pretty excited about having it though, and I can't wait to show it off to my pot aficionado friends. It also saves money in that I am not burning through my stash nearly as fast as I used to!
Well, I should go to bed. Enough talking about my stash! Which is all theoretical anyway . . . yes.
Dependable, Friendable.
This writing everyday is hard work! Especially for a blog I don't get paid for. I do a lot of unpaid work for my career sometimes. No one has ever paid me for writing this blog. But that's okay, I don't need money. Well, yes I do. But I like writing anyway. Okay, whatever, what I am just doing is trying to jump start a blog topic by blathering.
I'm doing pretty good. I have started getting people asking me to come present work at different places in Canada and elsewhere and it's pretty exciting. I like traveling for work related reasons.
Okay so the love of my life did end up writing back about Matthew, and it was a nice email and so I am not so weirded out. Although I still don't know what to think of that girl. She stirs up such intense emotions, it's hard to just move on. But I am getting there, I think. Nothing has happened for so long and she doesn't even want to see me so I am just going to HAVE to get over her if I ever want a meaningful long term relationship with someone. And I know I could fall in love with someone else. Besides all that, I have a feeling she prefers men over women for long term committed type relationships. Depressing!
OMG! I have to run and take my morning meds!
Taken! I have to throw out my little celexa halves now. I've had such a low sex drive for months and months because of that stupid pill, and the first time I got off of it I got all depressed and fucked up again. BUT this time I am on 300mg of Wellbutrin and doing fine! :D Which is funny because I had a bad reaction to Wellbutrin the first time I went on it when I was 20 and had never been on any pharms before. Ugh!
I guess my tolerance to brain tinkering medication is better. More better, even!
Oh I don't know. I really do love that girl. But I mean, whatever, she's not into it, what the hell am I supposed to do about that? I wouldn't even know where to find her in this damn city, and I am pretty sure she has a new phone number. All I have is email contact, it's ridiculous! I can't woo anybody over email, no matter how charming I try to be! And she doesn't want to be my friend on facebook, which is like, well I mean OBVIOUSLY she doesn't want me to be that close to her. Which means even if I did know where she was, it would be creepy of me to show up there with flowers and a violin. Assuming I could play said violin, which I can't. She'd probably break my violin that I can't play over my head, and throw flowers in my face, and maybe call the police as well! WTF????
So, well, see! I have to get over this girl! She's going to call the cops on me if I don't and cops aren't nice to Natives in this city!
Okay, I take it all back. I'm sorry. Probably if there was a woman who wasn't quite as strange as I she would consider them for a long term committed relationship if she were even single, which she usually isn't, for as long as I have known her.
I on the other hand have had a handful of short short short relationships, lasting months not years! And long expanses of singleness in between. I've liked being single actually, some people hate it, I used to hate it, but it's actually really comfortable and nice and makes you develop different support networks than if you are in a relationship. Still I feel like I've learned all I can from being single.
But I mean, who knows what the future has in store for me??? Maybe I am supposed to be single for the rest of my life?? Maybe I'm supposed to become some kind of video making hermit in some old house in like, Dalmeny!
Oh man, I am not doing the work I am supposed to be doing this afternoon, which is answering emails and making proposals and I should probably print off some loan applications too. Okay, no more dilly dallying talking about how I am in love with someone who doesn't want to be my facebook friend even. I should just limit romantic interests to people who are friendable.
I'm doing pretty good. I have started getting people asking me to come present work at different places in Canada and elsewhere and it's pretty exciting. I like traveling for work related reasons.
Okay so the love of my life did end up writing back about Matthew, and it was a nice email and so I am not so weirded out. Although I still don't know what to think of that girl. She stirs up such intense emotions, it's hard to just move on. But I am getting there, I think. Nothing has happened for so long and she doesn't even want to see me so I am just going to HAVE to get over her if I ever want a meaningful long term relationship with someone. And I know I could fall in love with someone else. Besides all that, I have a feeling she prefers men over women for long term committed type relationships. Depressing!
OMG! I have to run and take my morning meds!
Taken! I have to throw out my little celexa halves now. I've had such a low sex drive for months and months because of that stupid pill, and the first time I got off of it I got all depressed and fucked up again. BUT this time I am on 300mg of Wellbutrin and doing fine! :D Which is funny because I had a bad reaction to Wellbutrin the first time I went on it when I was 20 and had never been on any pharms before. Ugh!
I guess my tolerance to brain tinkering medication is better. More better, even!
Oh I don't know. I really do love that girl. But I mean, whatever, she's not into it, what the hell am I supposed to do about that? I wouldn't even know where to find her in this damn city, and I am pretty sure she has a new phone number. All I have is email contact, it's ridiculous! I can't woo anybody over email, no matter how charming I try to be! And she doesn't want to be my friend on facebook, which is like, well I mean OBVIOUSLY she doesn't want me to be that close to her. Which means even if I did know where she was, it would be creepy of me to show up there with flowers and a violin. Assuming I could play said violin, which I can't. She'd probably break my violin that I can't play over my head, and throw flowers in my face, and maybe call the police as well! WTF????
So, well, see! I have to get over this girl! She's going to call the cops on me if I don't and cops aren't nice to Natives in this city!
Okay, I take it all back. I'm sorry. Probably if there was a woman who wasn't quite as strange as I she would consider them for a long term committed relationship if she were even single, which she usually isn't, for as long as I have known her.
I on the other hand have had a handful of short short short relationships, lasting months not years! And long expanses of singleness in between. I've liked being single actually, some people hate it, I used to hate it, but it's actually really comfortable and nice and makes you develop different support networks than if you are in a relationship. Still I feel like I've learned all I can from being single.
But I mean, who knows what the future has in store for me??? Maybe I am supposed to be single for the rest of my life?? Maybe I'm supposed to become some kind of video making hermit in some old house in like, Dalmeny!
Oh man, I am not doing the work I am supposed to be doing this afternoon, which is answering emails and making proposals and I should probably print off some loan applications too. Okay, no more dilly dallying talking about how I am in love with someone who doesn't want to be my facebook friend even. I should just limit romantic interests to people who are friendable.
Sunday, January 30, 2011
Sundays are Recovery days, I don't know how anyone can make it to Church!
I haven't been partying really hard very recently, but last night I went out armed with a bag of cinnomin hearts and a wallet with cash, and by the end of the night I had done several queer things, like sitting in the new gay bar watching my friends dance, and some beer and red bull and vodka, and then it was five in the morning at another friend's house! And we talked about oppression in the parking lot. Not as in "oppression which happens in parking lots" but just a conversation about general oppression and privilege while we sat in the parking lot.
I reminded me of my politicized youth getting drunk on gin and tonics looking for a cutie and somehow always spending money at fundraising events for political causes because if you want a serious girlfriend she had better have the same politics as you!
Gosh that was a long sentence! I'm sorry, I should be a better writer by now.
Actually I do have something serious I want to talk about. This blog. It's so much a part of me now, and I feel safe here because Blogger has never censored me. BUT this blog as a long term committed art practice has had various unintended consequences on me. Some relating to employability. It's actually an unintended consequence of my entire art practice. I talk about identity issues and health issues and that sends up red flags for those employers who are googling potential hires. They can easily discriminate against me based on those issues without ever being caught. And people are usually pretty quiet here when they read, so only my site meter gives me any indication of my traffic. I know when I was crazy there was one hit from the White House, which really fueled my paranoia for a while there, like OMG! It's all true we're being watched and George W. Bush is gonna kill me for writing Fit of Pique! When the reality is probably some lesbian intern was reading queer blogs on her coffee break or something equally innocuous. I get creeped out seeing military hits on my blog too, from various countries. Or the Unknown Country. There really is such a place! Swear to mofo gawd! I don't know who the Unknown Country is, I talked about it in one of my blogs. It is anyone who doesn't want to be seen or known. I'm actually really curious about the Unknown Country folk myself.
Anyway, the Unknown Country was visiting me A LOT in 2007 when I had my manic episode. I don't see it as often now, but it still pops up.
Sometimes I like to see visitors come back over and over. There was one from Weyburn I think who visited me for a year.
Weyburn!
When I was blogging from Vancouver I think my only reader there was Stephanie, and I would remember her isp and whenever I got a reader from Vancouver I would check and it was almost always Stephanie. Nobody cared for my hard luck Bad Manors blog! One potato and an infestation of mice, who cares? They ate all my popcorn!!!! How can you eat a meal when all you have is one potato?
Which brings me to my next point. When people say "Well why didn't you cut off your internet so you could buy a bag of groceries?" (actually no one has ever said this to me but if any CBC or Globe and Mail commentors find me one will ask) I say "Sometimes when you have to get someone to call the police and the walls are too thin and the incident is happening next to the pay phone, it's nice to be able to find an online friend in a different building in town to call for you!"
Anyway, this blog has both kept me sane and documented my insanity. I am not quitting. I think I am in far too deep to walk away now. I go through slow periods, but I always end up coming back. I am doing a self employment program right now, which will hopefully get me earning a decent living without having to worry about a big boss googling me.
But I do have to start reframing for myself my commitment to this blog and my intent of this blog.
So what did I want to prove by writing a blog for 7 years??? Longer if you count my previous secret online diaries, which were basically blogs for closed audiences. I wanted to document my life and emotions about my life. And I also talked about issues I cared about or maybe didn't care about. But mostly it was an experiment to write really honestly about my life like I would in a diary to my friends. Although my readers can't all be my friends, I'm sure. I don't know what happened. I wasn't planning to get rich by blogging. I wasn't planning on becoming a celebrity or anything. I just wanted a place to write really. I like that I can be published as soon as I finish writing and get feedback. Although this audience sometimes feels like one hand clapping, I haven't gotten comments very often for much of this blog. Maybe everyone is scared??? Maybe the Unknown Country is a silent country.
Actually I don't think the Unknown Country folks are silent at all. I secretly think they are all the anarchists and freaks and dissidents and warriors of some great change that is going to spread across the world. That's why I love the Unknown Country.
But also they could just be celebrities in Hollywood.
So yes I am going to write here, I just wanted to explain what is going on with my writing a pretty revealing blog for seven years. It's been an interesting experience. I am deciding that I can continue this experiment. I don't know if it will leave me destitute or if it will actually make me money one day, or fame, or that big movie contract or whatever. I have a feeling it will go one way or the other right now. It really has to do with what's going to happen in the next few years around the globe. Either being a fat disabled butch lesbian halfbreed will be acceptable or it will not be. Right now I have to say, people don't accept me for those reasons. Not YOU personally, well maybe you, but various mainstream deciding people. Those fucking THEMS!
I sure hope revolution is contagious.
I reminded me of my politicized youth getting drunk on gin and tonics looking for a cutie and somehow always spending money at fundraising events for political causes because if you want a serious girlfriend she had better have the same politics as you!
Gosh that was a long sentence! I'm sorry, I should be a better writer by now.
Actually I do have something serious I want to talk about. This blog. It's so much a part of me now, and I feel safe here because Blogger has never censored me. BUT this blog as a long term committed art practice has had various unintended consequences on me. Some relating to employability. It's actually an unintended consequence of my entire art practice. I talk about identity issues and health issues and that sends up red flags for those employers who are googling potential hires. They can easily discriminate against me based on those issues without ever being caught. And people are usually pretty quiet here when they read, so only my site meter gives me any indication of my traffic. I know when I was crazy there was one hit from the White House, which really fueled my paranoia for a while there, like OMG! It's all true we're being watched and George W. Bush is gonna kill me for writing Fit of Pique! When the reality is probably some lesbian intern was reading queer blogs on her coffee break or something equally innocuous. I get creeped out seeing military hits on my blog too, from various countries. Or the Unknown Country. There really is such a place! Swear to mofo gawd! I don't know who the Unknown Country is, I talked about it in one of my blogs. It is anyone who doesn't want to be seen or known. I'm actually really curious about the Unknown Country folk myself.
Anyway, the Unknown Country was visiting me A LOT in 2007 when I had my manic episode. I don't see it as often now, but it still pops up.
Sometimes I like to see visitors come back over and over. There was one from Weyburn I think who visited me for a year.
Weyburn!
When I was blogging from Vancouver I think my only reader there was Stephanie, and I would remember her isp and whenever I got a reader from Vancouver I would check and it was almost always Stephanie. Nobody cared for my hard luck Bad Manors blog! One potato and an infestation of mice, who cares? They ate all my popcorn!!!! How can you eat a meal when all you have is one potato?
Which brings me to my next point. When people say "Well why didn't you cut off your internet so you could buy a bag of groceries?" (actually no one has ever said this to me but if any CBC or Globe and Mail commentors find me one will ask) I say "Sometimes when you have to get someone to call the police and the walls are too thin and the incident is happening next to the pay phone, it's nice to be able to find an online friend in a different building in town to call for you!"
Anyway, this blog has both kept me sane and documented my insanity. I am not quitting. I think I am in far too deep to walk away now. I go through slow periods, but I always end up coming back. I am doing a self employment program right now, which will hopefully get me earning a decent living without having to worry about a big boss googling me.
But I do have to start reframing for myself my commitment to this blog and my intent of this blog.
So what did I want to prove by writing a blog for 7 years??? Longer if you count my previous secret online diaries, which were basically blogs for closed audiences. I wanted to document my life and emotions about my life. And I also talked about issues I cared about or maybe didn't care about. But mostly it was an experiment to write really honestly about my life like I would in a diary to my friends. Although my readers can't all be my friends, I'm sure. I don't know what happened. I wasn't planning to get rich by blogging. I wasn't planning on becoming a celebrity or anything. I just wanted a place to write really. I like that I can be published as soon as I finish writing and get feedback. Although this audience sometimes feels like one hand clapping, I haven't gotten comments very often for much of this blog. Maybe everyone is scared??? Maybe the Unknown Country is a silent country.
Actually I don't think the Unknown Country folks are silent at all. I secretly think they are all the anarchists and freaks and dissidents and warriors of some great change that is going to spread across the world. That's why I love the Unknown Country.
But also they could just be celebrities in Hollywood.
So yes I am going to write here, I just wanted to explain what is going on with my writing a pretty revealing blog for seven years. It's been an interesting experience. I am deciding that I can continue this experiment. I don't know if it will leave me destitute or if it will actually make me money one day, or fame, or that big movie contract or whatever. I have a feeling it will go one way or the other right now. It really has to do with what's going to happen in the next few years around the globe. Either being a fat disabled butch lesbian halfbreed will be acceptable or it will not be. Right now I have to say, people don't accept me for those reasons. Not YOU personally, well maybe you, but various mainstream deciding people. Those fucking THEMS!
I sure hope revolution is contagious.
Friday, January 28, 2011
WTF??? நாட் வ்à®°ிடிà®™் தேà®°ே டுடே இ குஎச்ஸ்!
I bought 24 cans of coke today! Well, Mum bought it, BUT OMG! I love coke! In fact I prefer it to drinking alcohol. It is just so yummy! I know it is doing evil things to my body, but Whatever.
I am still trying really hard to write everyday. It is difficult. And I just learned that it is wrong to put two spaces after a period. It's really hard to break the habit of a lifetime!
Aw hell, why am I writing here??? YOu know what I SHOULD be doing? While I wait for this mp4 file to compress I should be writing my new bio! It's due all over the place! And people are still using ones I wrote when I was a teen!!! :O
I am still trying really hard to write everyday. It is difficult. And I just learned that it is wrong to put two spaces after a period. It's really hard to break the habit of a lifetime!
Aw hell, why am I writing here??? YOu know what I SHOULD be doing? While I wait for this mp4 file to compress I should be writing my new bio! It's due all over the place! And people are still using ones I wrote when I was a teen!!! :O
Thursday, January 27, 2011
In a matter of weeks . . .
I will be a CEO of a corporation.
Trippy! The sad part is I will still be scrounging for beer money. At least until my business gets off the ground. This afternoon I made a playlist about starting my business, but I think I forgot to put my favorite Tegan and Sarah track on it. I can fix that later.
Today we learned bookkeeping at school, and because I forgot my books at home (Tra la la off to school with no books or pens or pencils!) I wrote my notes in the back of my dayplanner for the year. Sooo, I have notes on debit and credit and little forms neatly filled out to refer to later when I also want to know when a bill is due.
I'm still in the long slow process of adjusting a medication. Now that Phase 1 of my program is finished I feel prepared to come off the Celexa entirely. But I haven't got the official go ahead from my psychiatrist, so I am waiting for the 2nd of February when I see her again to get my prescription changed. That will leave me just with Wellbutrin as my antidepressant, which makes me a little nervous. The good thing is for the last year I have been on Wellbutrin and know how it is affecting me and that I don't have side effects with it. So if I have to we can raise the dosage of that and crush my recurring depressions. Psychiatrists really like Wellbutrin for people with bipolar disorder because it's not supposed to kick one into mania.
Ugh, these petty 20-somethings I know keep trying to pull me into ridiculously immature drama, and I for one am tired of it! I hate drama, I have always hated drama, and when faced with someone who wants to inject my life with drama I usually just cut the cords and let that relationship/friendship float off into deep space to orbit around some other unfortunate. I have enough personal chaos in my life without dealing with someone else's shit. And suddenly and completely disengaging from someone is usually the best thing to do in those situations. I'm never going to be able to change the drama-shit-stirrers, so getting them out of my life is just easier. I don't care if I have enemies, as long as they aren't posting shit on my wall or things. Then there will be a fight.
But really, this 20-something drama maker likes to beat up his loved ones and relatives while drunk, and I am pretty tired of making excuses to leave his house when he gets to a certain point of rude black out-ness. Black out drunks give me a headache.
Not to say 30-somethings are any better about not talking shit about each other and stirring up drama, it's just usually by then there are codes of civility protecting people from passing it on for jollies. Oh man. Saskatoon is one small fucked up town! But I do love living here. Mostly just because then I can see my very aged grandparents and my sister with the short lifespan. They and my mother make up the essence of my family and I am terrified that in the next five years I could lose all three of them.
I'm excited about starting my own business!!! I really want to get everything in order so I can go to the bank and ask for a loan.
That's a knick knack Patty Black, give the frog a loan!
Trippy! The sad part is I will still be scrounging for beer money. At least until my business gets off the ground. This afternoon I made a playlist about starting my business, but I think I forgot to put my favorite Tegan and Sarah track on it. I can fix that later.
Today we learned bookkeeping at school, and because I forgot my books at home (Tra la la off to school with no books or pens or pencils!) I wrote my notes in the back of my dayplanner for the year. Sooo, I have notes on debit and credit and little forms neatly filled out to refer to later when I also want to know when a bill is due.
I'm still in the long slow process of adjusting a medication. Now that Phase 1 of my program is finished I feel prepared to come off the Celexa entirely. But I haven't got the official go ahead from my psychiatrist, so I am waiting for the 2nd of February when I see her again to get my prescription changed. That will leave me just with Wellbutrin as my antidepressant, which makes me a little nervous. The good thing is for the last year I have been on Wellbutrin and know how it is affecting me and that I don't have side effects with it. So if I have to we can raise the dosage of that and crush my recurring depressions. Psychiatrists really like Wellbutrin for people with bipolar disorder because it's not supposed to kick one into mania.
Ugh, these petty 20-somethings I know keep trying to pull me into ridiculously immature drama, and I for one am tired of it! I hate drama, I have always hated drama, and when faced with someone who wants to inject my life with drama I usually just cut the cords and let that relationship/friendship float off into deep space to orbit around some other unfortunate. I have enough personal chaos in my life without dealing with someone else's shit. And suddenly and completely disengaging from someone is usually the best thing to do in those situations. I'm never going to be able to change the drama-shit-stirrers, so getting them out of my life is just easier. I don't care if I have enemies, as long as they aren't posting shit on my wall or things. Then there will be a fight.
But really, this 20-something drama maker likes to beat up his loved ones and relatives while drunk, and I am pretty tired of making excuses to leave his house when he gets to a certain point of rude black out-ness. Black out drunks give me a headache.
Not to say 30-somethings are any better about not talking shit about each other and stirring up drama, it's just usually by then there are codes of civility protecting people from passing it on for jollies. Oh man. Saskatoon is one small fucked up town! But I do love living here. Mostly just because then I can see my very aged grandparents and my sister with the short lifespan. They and my mother make up the essence of my family and I am terrified that in the next five years I could lose all three of them.
I'm excited about starting my own business!!! I really want to get everything in order so I can go to the bank and ask for a loan.
That's a knick knack Patty Black, give the frog a loan!
Saturday, January 22, 2011
Communications Stuff
I am itching to get a cell phone. Specifically an iPhone. Partly because I am envious of all the apps you can get, and partly because it is compatible with my computer (a Macintosh), and partly because it shoots HD video. I really want to be able to record video at a moment's notice, especially for when cops are being brutal to people. I haven't personally witnessed police brutality . . . okay I lie. When the cops came to get me to take me to the hospital in Montreal they were totally over the top and brutal. I don't know what my friends told them that made them think they could behave that way, or if they just always throw nude crazy women on the floor and put them in handcuffs.
But that was before there was video capability on cell phones.
In the hospital they don't like you to have cell phones, which I think is kind of stupid. Because then you have to use the free phone that all the other patients use and sometimes it isn't good to have people calling the hospital phone, especially when people taking messages are not sane.
MOSTLY though I need a cell phone for my business line. I need a number to start giving out to people because they are asking for it, and I need something to put on my business cards. Plus it would just be nice to be able to make and receive calls wherever I go. Telus is most likely the company I am going to be going with, I checked out Virgin but the price is way more for less.
I don't know why I'm being so ridiculous that I want the damn phone today. It's not like anyone is going to call, except for maybe my longtime best friend Laurel. But she usually finds me on facebook first.
And on to my issues with Facebook. I am really seriously considering deactivating my account. I am just waiting for Diaspora to really start working. Ever since my profile got disabled in October, with no explanation despite emailing them, I have felt VERY done with Facebook. It used to be a handy tool, but losing three years of information has disenchanted me with the whole stupid site. I am going to miss being on pages and groups and having friends that invite me to events and so on, and seeing my friend's pictures. But I really want to have more control over my own information. I don't like having to be family friendly or whatever the hell they call it. I'd rather be able to openly express myself whereas on Facebook I now feel like I could get censored at any time, not to mention having others trying to censor me.
You know, I don't have issues with the fact that people and groups like Fred Phelps and Stormfront have online presences, because I remember when the tenet of the internet was free speech. But ever since the yahoos realized the internet was an interesting thing, there are all these politicians trying to crack down on it, especially in regards to free speech. I doubt this blog is accessible in certain countries, although I don't know which ones. And what really pisses me off about Facebook is how other people feel the need to report every single thing that offends them. And I have reported things, never sex things, but racist/homophobic stuff. And it makes me wonder if I should, I mean, like I said, I actually don't have issues with the God Hates Fags church having a page and Stormfront having a message board. Sooo, I would just like to leave facebook.
But not yet. I am preparing myself for it. When Diaspora comes online I can amalgamate my Flickr, Twitter, and Blogger accounts into an accessible profile/presence and have basically the same features that facebook gives me, that I like anyway.
Communications ISSUES!
OH! I never did say how my business plan presentation went. Well, the panel loved it, and someone asked for my business card, which I don't have because I don't have a cell number yet! Boo-urns! But the next presenter was told I would be a hard act to follow. It made me feel happy. I received really good feedback and I am excited to move into the start up phase! The next step is securing a loan. Well, and also: Become incorporated, buy a business license, get a cellphone, get a business bank account, um, lots more, thank god it is written down. I have to get some business professional support like a banker and lawyer and accountant and insurance agent etc. etc.
I have some work coming my way! I'm happy about that. In my presentation they told me I might have to train and hire another editor if I get too busy. Sooooo, I will probably hire another aboriginal person, because I think there are some specific programs that pay for their training and wages.
Well, time to go fry some steaks! I'm eating far too many cinnomin hearts!
But that was before there was video capability on cell phones.
In the hospital they don't like you to have cell phones, which I think is kind of stupid. Because then you have to use the free phone that all the other patients use and sometimes it isn't good to have people calling the hospital phone, especially when people taking messages are not sane.
MOSTLY though I need a cell phone for my business line. I need a number to start giving out to people because they are asking for it, and I need something to put on my business cards. Plus it would just be nice to be able to make and receive calls wherever I go. Telus is most likely the company I am going to be going with, I checked out Virgin but the price is way more for less.
I don't know why I'm being so ridiculous that I want the damn phone today. It's not like anyone is going to call, except for maybe my longtime best friend Laurel. But she usually finds me on facebook first.
And on to my issues with Facebook. I am really seriously considering deactivating my account. I am just waiting for Diaspora to really start working. Ever since my profile got disabled in October, with no explanation despite emailing them, I have felt VERY done with Facebook. It used to be a handy tool, but losing three years of information has disenchanted me with the whole stupid site. I am going to miss being on pages and groups and having friends that invite me to events and so on, and seeing my friend's pictures. But I really want to have more control over my own information. I don't like having to be family friendly or whatever the hell they call it. I'd rather be able to openly express myself whereas on Facebook I now feel like I could get censored at any time, not to mention having others trying to censor me.
You know, I don't have issues with the fact that people and groups like Fred Phelps and Stormfront have online presences, because I remember when the tenet of the internet was free speech. But ever since the yahoos realized the internet was an interesting thing, there are all these politicians trying to crack down on it, especially in regards to free speech. I doubt this blog is accessible in certain countries, although I don't know which ones. And what really pisses me off about Facebook is how other people feel the need to report every single thing that offends them. And I have reported things, never sex things, but racist/homophobic stuff. And it makes me wonder if I should, I mean, like I said, I actually don't have issues with the God Hates Fags church having a page and Stormfront having a message board. Sooo, I would just like to leave facebook.
But not yet. I am preparing myself for it. When Diaspora comes online I can amalgamate my Flickr, Twitter, and Blogger accounts into an accessible profile/presence and have basically the same features that facebook gives me, that I like anyway.
Communications ISSUES!
OH! I never did say how my business plan presentation went. Well, the panel loved it, and someone asked for my business card, which I don't have because I don't have a cell number yet! Boo-urns! But the next presenter was told I would be a hard act to follow. It made me feel happy. I received really good feedback and I am excited to move into the start up phase! The next step is securing a loan. Well, and also: Become incorporated, buy a business license, get a cellphone, get a business bank account, um, lots more, thank god it is written down. I have to get some business professional support like a banker and lawyer and accountant and insurance agent etc. etc.
I have some work coming my way! I'm happy about that. In my presentation they told me I might have to train and hire another editor if I get too busy. Sooooo, I will probably hire another aboriginal person, because I think there are some specific programs that pay for their training and wages.
Well, time to go fry some steaks! I'm eating far too many cinnomin hearts!
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
Shake yer bum!
Today was a whirlwind of last minute editing and typey-typing and smoothing out and I was all set to print at 9:30 this evening. I printed out all my financials and then I moved onto my business plan, and I was halfway through printing out my business plan when the paper ran out.
CRAPPY!
Luckily I don't have to have it all printed until tomorrow before supper, we are going to stop at Staples on the way home and photocopy it all into four neat little packages to give to the panel at my presentation Friday morning. I have to do a couple edits on a video tomorrow too and print it to tape to take with me and show them. I am nervous for my presentation, I have to get some good notes written. It's going to be 20 minutes with 10 minutes for questions. Considering I've done numerous artist talks that are longer than that, I think I am going to be okay. It's mostly getting every bit of information I have to present ordered and facts jotted down.
Next week I am shooting some video for AIDS Saskatoon as a volunteer gig and I also have a bookkeeping class to attend. But aside from that I am a mostly free agent after this week and am supposed to be securing financing and incorporating and getting my business license and so forth, all those little start up things. I have to register my domain name too. I am lucky in that the dot com is available for my company, woo hoo! I also have to try and get some quotes for my logo/website/business card design. Oh, and flyers. And I have to put together some more in my reel, maybe by editing completely new footage just to demonstrate some of my editing skillz.
I'm sooooooo tired! I will probably let myself sleep in for a couple hours tomorrow, I stayed up until 4am and got up at 8am yesterday, and even though I had eight hours of sleep since then it has still taken a lot out of me. My stomach has also been bothering me again lately, with puking sometimes, and I think it might be my gallbladder acting up, it was quiet for a few months! I really have to call my surgeon. I need it cut out of me! Take it away! And all it's stones!
I kind of hope they put them in a jar and let me see the evil huge stone which will never squeeze through my duct. I wanna see!
I'm excited about venturing into the business world. I'm sure it will bring a whole host of new issues into my life, but it's going to be so different from working for other people. I mean, I will work for my clients, but I won't have a boss. I'll be the boss! :D
I really want to go to Burning Man this year. The theme is Rites of Passage. I'm imagining some gay male hazing ritual (and aren't all hazings semi-homoerotic?) of some little naked newbie running by a line of leathermen who are all paddling his little butt as he runs. Or Parker Posey squirting ketchup on my naked nubile body.
But I have to save up for that, and since I can't earn any more than what CanSask gives me until the end of July, I am going to be strapped for cash. And even after that I am not sure how many clients I will have or if I will be making enough money. Hopefully by then I will have semi-regular business. My overhead is not very much, which is a major plus of running a home based business. For instance my rent is fifty bucks. Not my real rent for living here, which is 400, but my office rent.
Jeepers this business plan is FAT! Maybe I should photocopy it double sided.
Aw, lil' Mister is sleeping on the cushion next to me with his head on the floor. I found a picture of him in my email standing on four cans. It was what his breeder did when she was selling him to show how well trained he was. Of course I have never been able to get him to do it since. Once I said "Roll over" and he did! I was like "OMG! You know a trick!" But then he refused to ever do it again.
However sometimes he will shake his bum if I say "Shake yer bum!" and it is so freakin' cute! I'll say it over and over and he'll keep shaking it to make me laugh!
Tonight I saw my sister Sky. We cuddled, which is more like her mauling me, and she spouted gibberish non-stop. I like listening to all the words she makes up. Tonight she was saying something like "Tidd tidd tidd tidd tidd tidd tidd tidd tidd."
She also says something that sounds an awful lot like "Yeah!" So maybe she is adding one more real word to her limited vocabulary.
No more paper! :( Tis a sad thing. Now I wish I had listened when Mum told me not to print that grant application due in April. I don't even need it right now. :(
Also next week I am going to have some more time to write my Mars Script, which has been gathering electronic dust on my computer. I need it done by April 1st for the Aboriginal Media Arts deadline. I've decided to apply in that category because I think I might have a better chance than in the regular media arts program, since only one jury member on those juries is aboriginal. And it is a specifically aboriginal work dealing with aboriginal issues, although since it is science fiction and talking about contemporary issues we deal with, a non-native jury might think it isn't at all relevant to my community when it is. Last time it was because I submitted a documentary clip (and a non-doc video) for my support material and for some reason they didn't think it had bearing on the project. Since when does one video have to do with the next? Do I have to pigeonhole myself? Such a drag. Also some people have said they might have issues with giving me a big budget because my history has been self funded low budget works and why don't I just stick with that?
In fact some people have told me to make the video anyway, but I don't want to rip off actors by not paying them and I don't want to not have a set, since they are in a space ship for the majority of the video. How can you make a science fiction space film with no spaceship? And I have to rent a studio to shoot in without outside noise, which is going to cost more money. So no, I am not shooting this tape in a closet with my finger puppets. And plus the whole point of making this video is to get more directing experience so that I can move forward on Bunnyhug, the feature film I wrote.
The good thing about incorporating my company is that I can also use it as a production company later on and be able to get some money from Telefilm, hopefully.
Thank god I am stabilized on my medication. I could hardly work when I was not stable. Having bipolar disorder is a bit like being on a seesaw with someone way bigger than me on the other end. Up in the air with feet dangling, then crashing down on my bum, over and over again. But right now that seesaw just feels like flat earth, calm and centered. I'm relieved.
Dr. Conacher is going to be taking me off of my Celexa completely because it is still negatively affecting my libido. Kinda sucks. I'm sure if the opportunity presented itself again I could go with it, but I wouldn't be the best initiator.
My make out friend won't make out with me anymore. It kinda sucks. I didn't even care about getting into her pants by the end of it, but I do like kissing, it's probably my favorite thing. Oh well. And then someone I hoped would be my new make out friend has had major health issues recently and is unavailable for making out. Soooo, well that sucks.
And bites.
I'm starting to come to terms with the fact that the love of my life does not love me. It hurts, but I really should move on and allow myself to open up to new women who can actually deliver on what I want. I wrote to her about Matthew, and she never even wrote back with condolences or sympathy or anything. I thought it was pretty cold. So maybe part of that is a good thing in that I can see how she really is, which is not loving towards me at all, even as a friend. Even a one line email back would have been nice. I didn't expect some long lengthy debriefing on suicide's aftermath, just something like "I'm sorry to hear about your friend. I am sending you good vibes" or SOMETHING!
Apathy is even worse than outright hate. At least with hate you know there is some kind of passion. Negative yes, but at least it is SOMETHING!
It's been a weird few days because I have been so busy with school that I haven't had much time to think about Matthew, but he still drifts into my head at the most unusual times. I talked to my psychiatric nurse yesterday about him. She told me about a funeral she went to for a daycare worker and a lot of children attended and they told a story in the service. It went something like this. There were these waterbugs and every once in a while a waterbug would go up a blade of grass and disappear, and never come back. And all these waterbugs were worried about what happens up there and where their friends were going. So one waterbug said to the others "When I go up the blade of grass I will come back and tell you what happens." So one day it went up the blade of grass and became a dragonfly. But it realized it could not go back. It was a story to explain death to children.
So it makes me wonder where Matthew has gone, and what he has transformed into. I have a feeling where ever he is he is happy. I just wish he had stayed longer and been happy with us.
Little Mister and I have to go to bed!
Shake yer bum Little Mister!
CRAPPY!
Luckily I don't have to have it all printed until tomorrow before supper, we are going to stop at Staples on the way home and photocopy it all into four neat little packages to give to the panel at my presentation Friday morning. I have to do a couple edits on a video tomorrow too and print it to tape to take with me and show them. I am nervous for my presentation, I have to get some good notes written. It's going to be 20 minutes with 10 minutes for questions. Considering I've done numerous artist talks that are longer than that, I think I am going to be okay. It's mostly getting every bit of information I have to present ordered and facts jotted down.
Next week I am shooting some video for AIDS Saskatoon as a volunteer gig and I also have a bookkeeping class to attend. But aside from that I am a mostly free agent after this week and am supposed to be securing financing and incorporating and getting my business license and so forth, all those little start up things. I have to register my domain name too. I am lucky in that the dot com is available for my company, woo hoo! I also have to try and get some quotes for my logo/website/business card design. Oh, and flyers. And I have to put together some more in my reel, maybe by editing completely new footage just to demonstrate some of my editing skillz.
I'm sooooooo tired! I will probably let myself sleep in for a couple hours tomorrow, I stayed up until 4am and got up at 8am yesterday, and even though I had eight hours of sleep since then it has still taken a lot out of me. My stomach has also been bothering me again lately, with puking sometimes, and I think it might be my gallbladder acting up, it was quiet for a few months! I really have to call my surgeon. I need it cut out of me! Take it away! And all it's stones!
I kind of hope they put them in a jar and let me see the evil huge stone which will never squeeze through my duct. I wanna see!
I'm excited about venturing into the business world. I'm sure it will bring a whole host of new issues into my life, but it's going to be so different from working for other people. I mean, I will work for my clients, but I won't have a boss. I'll be the boss! :D
I really want to go to Burning Man this year. The theme is Rites of Passage. I'm imagining some gay male hazing ritual (and aren't all hazings semi-homoerotic?) of some little naked newbie running by a line of leathermen who are all paddling his little butt as he runs. Or Parker Posey squirting ketchup on my naked nubile body.
But I have to save up for that, and since I can't earn any more than what CanSask gives me until the end of July, I am going to be strapped for cash. And even after that I am not sure how many clients I will have or if I will be making enough money. Hopefully by then I will have semi-regular business. My overhead is not very much, which is a major plus of running a home based business. For instance my rent is fifty bucks. Not my real rent for living here, which is 400, but my office rent.
Jeepers this business plan is FAT! Maybe I should photocopy it double sided.
Aw, lil' Mister is sleeping on the cushion next to me with his head on the floor. I found a picture of him in my email standing on four cans. It was what his breeder did when she was selling him to show how well trained he was. Of course I have never been able to get him to do it since. Once I said "Roll over" and he did! I was like "OMG! You know a trick!" But then he refused to ever do it again.
However sometimes he will shake his bum if I say "Shake yer bum!" and it is so freakin' cute! I'll say it over and over and he'll keep shaking it to make me laugh!
Tonight I saw my sister Sky. We cuddled, which is more like her mauling me, and she spouted gibberish non-stop. I like listening to all the words she makes up. Tonight she was saying something like "Tidd tidd tidd tidd tidd tidd tidd tidd tidd."
She also says something that sounds an awful lot like "Yeah!" So maybe she is adding one more real word to her limited vocabulary.
No more paper! :( Tis a sad thing. Now I wish I had listened when Mum told me not to print that grant application due in April. I don't even need it right now. :(
Also next week I am going to have some more time to write my Mars Script, which has been gathering electronic dust on my computer. I need it done by April 1st for the Aboriginal Media Arts deadline. I've decided to apply in that category because I think I might have a better chance than in the regular media arts program, since only one jury member on those juries is aboriginal. And it is a specifically aboriginal work dealing with aboriginal issues, although since it is science fiction and talking about contemporary issues we deal with, a non-native jury might think it isn't at all relevant to my community when it is. Last time it was because I submitted a documentary clip (and a non-doc video) for my support material and for some reason they didn't think it had bearing on the project. Since when does one video have to do with the next? Do I have to pigeonhole myself? Such a drag. Also some people have said they might have issues with giving me a big budget because my history has been self funded low budget works and why don't I just stick with that?
In fact some people have told me to make the video anyway, but I don't want to rip off actors by not paying them and I don't want to not have a set, since they are in a space ship for the majority of the video. How can you make a science fiction space film with no spaceship? And I have to rent a studio to shoot in without outside noise, which is going to cost more money. So no, I am not shooting this tape in a closet with my finger puppets. And plus the whole point of making this video is to get more directing experience so that I can move forward on Bunnyhug, the feature film I wrote.
The good thing about incorporating my company is that I can also use it as a production company later on and be able to get some money from Telefilm, hopefully.
Thank god I am stabilized on my medication. I could hardly work when I was not stable. Having bipolar disorder is a bit like being on a seesaw with someone way bigger than me on the other end. Up in the air with feet dangling, then crashing down on my bum, over and over again. But right now that seesaw just feels like flat earth, calm and centered. I'm relieved.
Dr. Conacher is going to be taking me off of my Celexa completely because it is still negatively affecting my libido. Kinda sucks. I'm sure if the opportunity presented itself again I could go with it, but I wouldn't be the best initiator.
My make out friend won't make out with me anymore. It kinda sucks. I didn't even care about getting into her pants by the end of it, but I do like kissing, it's probably my favorite thing. Oh well. And then someone I hoped would be my new make out friend has had major health issues recently and is unavailable for making out. Soooo, well that sucks.
And bites.
I'm starting to come to terms with the fact that the love of my life does not love me. It hurts, but I really should move on and allow myself to open up to new women who can actually deliver on what I want. I wrote to her about Matthew, and she never even wrote back with condolences or sympathy or anything. I thought it was pretty cold. So maybe part of that is a good thing in that I can see how she really is, which is not loving towards me at all, even as a friend. Even a one line email back would have been nice. I didn't expect some long lengthy debriefing on suicide's aftermath, just something like "I'm sorry to hear about your friend. I am sending you good vibes" or SOMETHING!
Apathy is even worse than outright hate. At least with hate you know there is some kind of passion. Negative yes, but at least it is SOMETHING!
It's been a weird few days because I have been so busy with school that I haven't had much time to think about Matthew, but he still drifts into my head at the most unusual times. I talked to my psychiatric nurse yesterday about him. She told me about a funeral she went to for a daycare worker and a lot of children attended and they told a story in the service. It went something like this. There were these waterbugs and every once in a while a waterbug would go up a blade of grass and disappear, and never come back. And all these waterbugs were worried about what happens up there and where their friends were going. So one waterbug said to the others "When I go up the blade of grass I will come back and tell you what happens." So one day it went up the blade of grass and became a dragonfly. But it realized it could not go back. It was a story to explain death to children.
So it makes me wonder where Matthew has gone, and what he has transformed into. I have a feeling where ever he is he is happy. I just wish he had stayed longer and been happy with us.
Little Mister and I have to go to bed!
Shake yer bum Little Mister!
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
Full strength words with no dilution
Right now what is really bothering me is that a relative is trying to censor what I say on facebook, and most likely this blog as well. He says it is too explicit and vulgar. I never said I was a child friendly writer. I don't have children on my facebook, just a teenager or two who tend to say more crude things than I do. I swear, I write about sexuality (I am a lesbian activist filmmaker after all), that's about it. Once in a while I drop words like boobs or breasts. I've never said the c word on facebook (okay, yeah I did in my quotes, now it's a blank word). But I said the C word on Bravo and APTN. Hell, I say it in my videos.
It's really frustrating because I hate when people try to censor me, which has been happening since I was sixteen and making lesbian video art. There wasn't any sex in it (I've had long standing dry spells for most of my life, so I actually don't make very much work about specifically sex) but there was a lesbian teenager talking, which back in 1995 was very taboo and forbidden, especially in Alberta which is where it screened. I was actually outed in my hometown newspaper while I was still attending high school and being somewhat closeted for my own personal safety.
Anyway, people have been trying to tell me what I can and can't say for half of my lifetime. And it feels like a special betrayal when it comes from your own family. Like, you think they might get it! But lamentably no. My Uncle has never been comfortable with me being queer as a three dollar bill and is even more uncomfortable that I am open about it and discuss sexuality on my online profiles/blogs/what have you. He told me I was "too explicit" and to "tone it down" for "your own good." It was kind of threatening.
So I got pissed off and while I was seeing red I wrote fuck off and defriended and blocked him. And then I got in trouble for saying fuck off.
Sure it was rude, but man oh man was I pissed. It wasn't the first time he has tried to censor me, and it probably won't be the last either. Truth is ANYBODY who tries to censor me is going to get the exact same two word answer I gave him. I would have told those Alberta politicians to fuck off if I could, but I didn't know how to handle heterosexually imposed repression of homosexuals back then.
So it is really making me rethink if I should be friends with ANY of my family on facebook. If I shame them so much by being who I am, what does that mean for me and them? I also have a documentary about me on rotation on two Canadian television channels where I say cunt, are they going to next demand that I stop allowing those tv channels to air that program? Are they going to ask me to pull the tape where I said cunt from the collection at UCLA? When I die are they going to have a big bonfire for my art and say good riddance?
But then that paints my whole family in a negative light, where it is really only this one Uncle who has an issue with how I live my life.
I think respect is a two way street. I know there is that whole Indian thing about respecting your elders, but not everyone who is my elder is worthy of my respect. And if they don't respect me, why the fuck should I respect them? I had other issues with this Uncle when he stayed with us at Christmas. He was getting into my personal space in the basement and making comments on the state of my room and all kinds of highly inappropriate invasive behaviours. He wanted to "help" me clean up my room (I had clothes on the floor, a five minute job at the most) and also said ON CHRISTMAS DAY that there was no way I could be an entrepreneur/run a business because I was messy and had bipolar disorder.
This Uncle also has bipolar disorder, but he is totally bizarre about it! He thinks that it means you can't work in management, you can't do this, you can't do that. His thinking on it is really dark ages, and in truth I almost suspect he is using his disorder as a really good excuse for his own bad behaviour.
I make highly personal videos using highly loaded words about highly loaded subject matter. I have been doing this for half my life. I have a following. I have fans. I am a public figure of sorts. I have a professional life that some people would not think is very professional. I am not afraid of language, of crafting it in crafty ways peppered with slang and, sure, explicit language. I've got a video circulating with a wide open beaver shot with a lock dangling from my hood and labia piercings that has been going around since 1998. That's 13 years! I am not ashamed of my early work. I feel like I am not as edgy as I used to be. But that doesn't mean I will avoid edginess or controversy.
My work is controversial. That is a fact. I've had the vice squad called because a museum employee thought I had made child porn (apparently myself as a nude nineteen year old is child porn????). In fact, the vice squad didn't have an issue with the nineteen year old beaver shot with the lock on it, BUT they were troubled by a photograph of my mother changing my diaper when I was a baby. Talk about sick fucks. There you go right there.
There is presence in anger. I forget if Toni Morrison or bell hooks said that, but it is true. It fuels me to make my next work. It makes me realize there is something worth fighting for.
But I am ashamed that the forces at work in silencing me is coming from my own family. The rest of my family, while possibly embarrassed by my choice of words on occasion, has never told me to shape up or behave myself in my online personas.
In closing, well behaved women rarely make history. As long as the envelope can be pushed, I will be pushing it. My mere existence as a genderqueer lesbian of colour pushes the envelope already. I will not be diluted to placate a conservative relative. I'm a full strength kind of a woman.
It's really frustrating because I hate when people try to censor me, which has been happening since I was sixteen and making lesbian video art. There wasn't any sex in it (I've had long standing dry spells for most of my life, so I actually don't make very much work about specifically sex) but there was a lesbian teenager talking, which back in 1995 was very taboo and forbidden, especially in Alberta which is where it screened. I was actually outed in my hometown newspaper while I was still attending high school and being somewhat closeted for my own personal safety.
Anyway, people have been trying to tell me what I can and can't say for half of my lifetime. And it feels like a special betrayal when it comes from your own family. Like, you think they might get it! But lamentably no. My Uncle has never been comfortable with me being queer as a three dollar bill and is even more uncomfortable that I am open about it and discuss sexuality on my online profiles/blogs/what have you. He told me I was "too explicit" and to "tone it down" for "your own good." It was kind of threatening.
So I got pissed off and while I was seeing red I wrote fuck off and defriended and blocked him. And then I got in trouble for saying fuck off.
Sure it was rude, but man oh man was I pissed. It wasn't the first time he has tried to censor me, and it probably won't be the last either. Truth is ANYBODY who tries to censor me is going to get the exact same two word answer I gave him. I would have told those Alberta politicians to fuck off if I could, but I didn't know how to handle heterosexually imposed repression of homosexuals back then.
So it is really making me rethink if I should be friends with ANY of my family on facebook. If I shame them so much by being who I am, what does that mean for me and them? I also have a documentary about me on rotation on two Canadian television channels where I say cunt, are they going to next demand that I stop allowing those tv channels to air that program? Are they going to ask me to pull the tape where I said cunt from the collection at UCLA? When I die are they going to have a big bonfire for my art and say good riddance?
But then that paints my whole family in a negative light, where it is really only this one Uncle who has an issue with how I live my life.
I think respect is a two way street. I know there is that whole Indian thing about respecting your elders, but not everyone who is my elder is worthy of my respect. And if they don't respect me, why the fuck should I respect them? I had other issues with this Uncle when he stayed with us at Christmas. He was getting into my personal space in the basement and making comments on the state of my room and all kinds of highly inappropriate invasive behaviours. He wanted to "help" me clean up my room (I had clothes on the floor, a five minute job at the most) and also said ON CHRISTMAS DAY that there was no way I could be an entrepreneur/run a business because I was messy and had bipolar disorder.
This Uncle also has bipolar disorder, but he is totally bizarre about it! He thinks that it means you can't work in management, you can't do this, you can't do that. His thinking on it is really dark ages, and in truth I almost suspect he is using his disorder as a really good excuse for his own bad behaviour.
I make highly personal videos using highly loaded words about highly loaded subject matter. I have been doing this for half my life. I have a following. I have fans. I am a public figure of sorts. I have a professional life that some people would not think is very professional. I am not afraid of language, of crafting it in crafty ways peppered with slang and, sure, explicit language. I've got a video circulating with a wide open beaver shot with a lock dangling from my hood and labia piercings that has been going around since 1998. That's 13 years! I am not ashamed of my early work. I feel like I am not as edgy as I used to be. But that doesn't mean I will avoid edginess or controversy.
My work is controversial. That is a fact. I've had the vice squad called because a museum employee thought I had made child porn (apparently myself as a nude nineteen year old is child porn????). In fact, the vice squad didn't have an issue with the nineteen year old beaver shot with the lock on it, BUT they were troubled by a photograph of my mother changing my diaper when I was a baby. Talk about sick fucks. There you go right there.
There is presence in anger. I forget if Toni Morrison or bell hooks said that, but it is true. It fuels me to make my next work. It makes me realize there is something worth fighting for.
But I am ashamed that the forces at work in silencing me is coming from my own family. The rest of my family, while possibly embarrassed by my choice of words on occasion, has never told me to shape up or behave myself in my online personas.
In closing, well behaved women rarely make history. As long as the envelope can be pushed, I will be pushing it. My mere existence as a genderqueer lesbian of colour pushes the envelope already. I will not be diluted to placate a conservative relative. I'm a full strength kind of a woman.
Sunday, January 16, 2011
Writing hiatus for the last week and why
I haven't written everyday like I was going to this past week because I wasn't sure what to write or how to respond to what has happened.
On Monday my friend Matthew committed suicide. I found out on Tuesday. It's been a pretty rough week. I went to the viewing on Thursday and saw him for the last time. His funeral was yesterday, and his wake was last night.
I don't know how to convey who Matthew was in writing. He was a very loving sweet creative human being who was suffering from the same thing I have, namely bipolar disorder. I won't tell you what he told me the last time we saw each other, because a lot of it is personal to his experience of the disease. But I will say he and I exchanged stories of bipolar disorder as it has affected us in our lives. He was being treated with a medication I had been on, but really all it had done for me was make me sleep.
When I found out I had a cry, and I have squeezed out a few tears since but mostly I have felt numb and shocked.
Maybe what shocks me the most is that I do know why he would take his own life. Bipolar disorder is no cakewalk. I feel like I've been luckier than most in that I have a really good psychiatrist who has kept me episode free for 4 years or so. Oh sure, a couple of stress related depressions have happened to me, but those were mild compared to the potentially lethal nature of psychosis. Not in terms of me hurting others, but hurting myself. I believed so many strange things, I was lucky not to wander into a harmful situation, like taking a ride from a stranger or thinking I could fly.
The truth is that we don't really know what Matthew was thinking about when he died, except that he couldn't do it anymore. This act of living. I am really going to miss him too, he was such an exceptional human, it's hard to believe someone who had such PRESENCE is gone from us.
I don't feel like this post is going to do him justice.
I told his mother "thank you for raising such a beautiful man." And she said "Thank you for loving him." For my own sense of closure that is pretty good.
I have to get on with life, is the cruelest part. My major presentation for my video editing company is this friday at around about 11am. I have to present the whole business plan. I am going to be working like a dog for this next week. I really really need to get some more work done. It's been hard dealing with this and a (so unfortunately named) deadline. I've been spending a lot of my time talking with friends about what happened. The world keeps turning, even without our much loved friend being with us.
Sometimes I feel having bipolar disorder means being in a near constant battle, always struggling with the undertow of thoughts and moods and the danger of losing one's health so easily. I forgot my medication two days in a row this week and started hearing music whenever the furnace came on. It was pretty creepy, and even though I knew it wasn't real, it still tripped me out and made me want to hide.
Could I have prepared him any better for what it would be like with bipolar disorder? Are we really so ashamed of psychotic symptoms that we don't honestly and openly talk about how our brains can trick us?
Out of the whole spectrum of moods that is bipolar disorder, manic psychosis and depressive psychosis are the least discussed, except in negative terms like people suddenly chopping off someone's head. We aren't taught as a society how to recognize suicidal states, or we are even taught that only the weak commit suicide, that they took "the easy way out" and all kinds of stigmatizing views that keep people who need help from pursuing it.
I had one dangerous night, way back in Vancouver when I was 20 years old. I thought I would do it. I was really close. I was too jumbled for a plan, but it was one hell of a dark night. I ended up calling a crisis line and talking to a volunteer about what I was feeling. That night they hooked me up with a counsellor at SAFER, which is a free counselling service in Vancouver for people having suicidal crises. I saw that counsellor for a long time and worked through a lot of issues. Just knowing I had that appointment the next day got me through what could have been my last night on earth.
The suicide crisis line in Saskatoon is : (306) 933-6200
If bipolar disorder is the battle some of us are fighting, then Matthew was the unfortunate casualty of that war. We can sit around thinking about all the what ifs and it still won't bring him back. But I choose not to believe he killed himself. Bipolar disorder is what killed him.
I hope we can come together as a community and support each other. I'm pretty open about having bipolar disorder, but there are even more of us, quietly relating to each other about what it's like having it. If his death can change anything, I hope it is more openness about mental health issues.
On Monday my friend Matthew committed suicide. I found out on Tuesday. It's been a pretty rough week. I went to the viewing on Thursday and saw him for the last time. His funeral was yesterday, and his wake was last night.
I don't know how to convey who Matthew was in writing. He was a very loving sweet creative human being who was suffering from the same thing I have, namely bipolar disorder. I won't tell you what he told me the last time we saw each other, because a lot of it is personal to his experience of the disease. But I will say he and I exchanged stories of bipolar disorder as it has affected us in our lives. He was being treated with a medication I had been on, but really all it had done for me was make me sleep.
When I found out I had a cry, and I have squeezed out a few tears since but mostly I have felt numb and shocked.
Maybe what shocks me the most is that I do know why he would take his own life. Bipolar disorder is no cakewalk. I feel like I've been luckier than most in that I have a really good psychiatrist who has kept me episode free for 4 years or so. Oh sure, a couple of stress related depressions have happened to me, but those were mild compared to the potentially lethal nature of psychosis. Not in terms of me hurting others, but hurting myself. I believed so many strange things, I was lucky not to wander into a harmful situation, like taking a ride from a stranger or thinking I could fly.
The truth is that we don't really know what Matthew was thinking about when he died, except that he couldn't do it anymore. This act of living. I am really going to miss him too, he was such an exceptional human, it's hard to believe someone who had such PRESENCE is gone from us.
I don't feel like this post is going to do him justice.
I told his mother "thank you for raising such a beautiful man." And she said "Thank you for loving him." For my own sense of closure that is pretty good.
I have to get on with life, is the cruelest part. My major presentation for my video editing company is this friday at around about 11am. I have to present the whole business plan. I am going to be working like a dog for this next week. I really really need to get some more work done. It's been hard dealing with this and a (so unfortunately named) deadline. I've been spending a lot of my time talking with friends about what happened. The world keeps turning, even without our much loved friend being with us.
Sometimes I feel having bipolar disorder means being in a near constant battle, always struggling with the undertow of thoughts and moods and the danger of losing one's health so easily. I forgot my medication two days in a row this week and started hearing music whenever the furnace came on. It was pretty creepy, and even though I knew it wasn't real, it still tripped me out and made me want to hide.
Could I have prepared him any better for what it would be like with bipolar disorder? Are we really so ashamed of psychotic symptoms that we don't honestly and openly talk about how our brains can trick us?
Out of the whole spectrum of moods that is bipolar disorder, manic psychosis and depressive psychosis are the least discussed, except in negative terms like people suddenly chopping off someone's head. We aren't taught as a society how to recognize suicidal states, or we are even taught that only the weak commit suicide, that they took "the easy way out" and all kinds of stigmatizing views that keep people who need help from pursuing it.
I had one dangerous night, way back in Vancouver when I was 20 years old. I thought I would do it. I was really close. I was too jumbled for a plan, but it was one hell of a dark night. I ended up calling a crisis line and talking to a volunteer about what I was feeling. That night they hooked me up with a counsellor at SAFER, which is a free counselling service in Vancouver for people having suicidal crises. I saw that counsellor for a long time and worked through a lot of issues. Just knowing I had that appointment the next day got me through what could have been my last night on earth.
The suicide crisis line in Saskatoon is : (306) 933-6200
If bipolar disorder is the battle some of us are fighting, then Matthew was the unfortunate casualty of that war. We can sit around thinking about all the what ifs and it still won't bring him back. But I choose not to believe he killed himself. Bipolar disorder is what killed him.
I hope we can come together as a community and support each other. I'm pretty open about having bipolar disorder, but there are even more of us, quietly relating to each other about what it's like having it. If his death can change anything, I hope it is more openness about mental health issues.
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