God

Recently I was reading "Letting go of the person you used to be" by Lama Surya Das. In it he tells a story about a seeker who visits all of these teachers to ask what the final total encompassing truth is only to be told that he is God by everyone he meets. He disagrees with every teacher until he finally finds one who agrees to let him study with him for years, but only if he also works shovelling manure. Several years later the seeker finally asks what the truth is, and the teacher tells him he is God. He gets furious and asks if that's true then why did he toil away for so many years. The teacher says it's true that he is God, but he isn't very bright.

This is something I figured out when I went "crazy" and this is the main reason people threw me into the bin. I knew I was God. And not just me, you reading this are also God. It's the greatest irony of human existence, sort of a joke really, but also completely sensible. God was never some Us/Them entity sitting up in a cloud making judgements. God is a being that supernova'd into billions of pieces to learn something about life and become better. And we're all God and therefore the same person. It's really terribly simple. But no one believed me, or bothered to do spiritual searching on their own, so when I realized this basic thing I got into DEEP shit, and I never really talked about it since.

Maybe I thought that one revelation was enough, but now I'm realizing it isn't. Just being God doesn't answer everything. I still have to figure out how to live my life in a suitable manner, I still have to take responsibility for certain things. So I guess that's what I'm doing now. I don't know why it took me so long to be able to just say this again, that I am God. I guess because I didn't want to get thrown in the bin for something so obvious and true, AGAIN. Also, I think people just have to figure it out on their own. It's not something you can truly believe unless you go through whatever it takes to understand this basic premise of existence, even if that means shoveling shit for seven years.

I don't think it's right to punish someone for having spiritual revelations, and I don't think it's right for people to have to hide what they know to be true about the nature of life. So mostly I'm looking for other people who know this too. A lot of people with mood disorders seem to have discovered this a long time ago, which is why I like hanging out with them. Buddhists too. Christianity has these principles in it's history but I think the church obliterated a lot of it. I just feel like I don't have a plan for after discovering that God thing. I have terrible spiritual discipline. I collect and toy with various religions, none of which suit me much. I like spiritual concepts but I find so much is caught in dogmatic ideas that have held it back from meaningful evolution. Mostly I find I'm making it up as I go along. But really I'm just trying to figure out how to live my life in a spiritual way, without falling back on rules which make no sense to me.

I guess I have questions, but I haven't formed them properly so that I can address them. Those questions would be something along the lines of "How do you deal with bad people?" "Is forgiveness always necessary?" "Do you always turn away when someone is mistreating you, how do you hold them accountable?" Questions like that. Am I really crazy? Why am I crazy and not other people? What made me crazy, was it me or someone else? Am I just holding onto someone else's projections of neurosis? I could ask questions all day.

I also think there is a spiritual emergency going on right now though, I keep seeing visions, and I keep thinking about that thing I saw in the sky. People I've been talking to have also noticed a higher incidence of paranormal activity. Personally, I think we're moving into another dimension. And I also don't think everyone will realize it. I think there will be a number of people who aren't going to see things which are manifesting around us. In my own family I noticed my generation are nearly all capable of seeing and hearing things which people say don't exist. And we can't ALL be crazy. Something is afoot. What does it mean, I'm not sure. But I know life as we know it is going to be irrevocably altered.

I keep having a dream about something evil, something really bad but also completely paranormal, an entity of some kind. It's not like it represents something specific, just a generalized Bad Spirit type of thing. And in my dream I have to swear at it, I have to yell really loud and I have to insult it. And I can't do it, I keep stuttering because I'm so afraid. And this dream just happens all the time, and I'm starting to get better at it, but I still can't yell. It's like I'm training for something, it's weird.

Normally I don't talk about this side of me at all, because when I did I ended up in the bin. BUT, I think we're at a point when these things should be talked about. Especially since some of the things I've been seeing have a political basis.

Maybe the most troubling thing I've seen recently is this vision I had of this dark rumbling cloud, something like the Nothing in the Neverending Story. This dark angry cloud of fury and frustration and anger and sorrow coming out of the whole of the Middle East and moving toward the United States. I don't think it's evil, I think it's bad in that it has negative repercussions on everyone involved, but I also think someone in the Middle East would have seen the exact same entity coming towards them from the States just after 2001. I've been thinking a lot about it since I saw it. I don't know what it means, like, I'm not going to say I see a dirty bomb in New York or anything. I don't know what will happen. But it's there, and it's coming, and it's slow and dark and huge. And if I could say it has one cause then that would be grief. It's been built by grief. I saw it back in early November.

So yes, trying to get a spiritual practice together. I'm so often NOT someone who seeks out attention through things I've seen on those other planes of existence, so it's kind of awkward for me to talk about this stuff. But I feel compelled to. I feel like if I don't then there's no point for me to be getting these visions. I don't know why I'm getting them, but I think anyone can if they're open to it.