Sunday, February 26, 2012

So close to Six Weeks!

On Wednesday I will make it to six weeks without a puff!!! :D I am excited! Although apparently it will still be another month and a half or so before my withdrawals are really over. And it will take a year altogether to get over being a chronic for so long. Tuesday will be twelve weeks without tobacco, so that's cool! I was tempted to ask for a puff tonight, a puff of the green stuff, but I resisted and felt decent afterwards. Going through that withdrawal period sucked, I don't want to go through it again.

I ordered a workbook from LifeRing, the secular sobriety organization. I should get it in five to ten days. I hope I get it Friday. I'm ready to work through my addiction issues. I think it would help me. I also have a book somewhere with exercises I can do as someone with concurrent disorders, but I don't know where it is.

I have a new Tarot deck!!! :D I am going to try it tonight, I want to see if it being in my purse ever since I got it will make it have aligned itself to my particular vibes or whatever. I've had it for a while now, my Mom got it for me! My last Tarot deck fell apart after almost 30 years, it was all bent and then my mom's dog ate a couple cards! GULP! Oops. But I will take good care of this one, it will last another 30 years! It's a Rider Waite deck, which is my favorite one and the type the last one was too. I like it because I understand the symbolism of it the best out of all the tarot decks I have seen.

I'm doing better at driving, tomorrow morning we are going to go drive some more, all the way on the freeway to my old neighborhood where we will do some turns on residential streets and practice parallel parking. I really need to practice parallel parking because in the other road tests I did that was always where I fucked up and they would make me turn around and drive back to SGI.

I am getting lonely again. I know I still have a lot to personally work on about myself, but I really do wish I could find a lover who lived in Saskatoon or who even wanted to live in Saskatoon someday. I'm tired of being single. I miss sex and intimacy, and I miss parts of a relationship that I feel I've never even been able to have, like making plans for a future together and the comfort of sharing a home and building a home together. And all kinds of things that people in long term relationships take for granted. I really wish I had someone I could cuddle with, and kiss for hours. Someone I could fall asleep snuggled up with.

Someone DECENT! Someone who won't rip my throat out all of a sudden like so many of my other exes. I need something really different this time.

The key, according to my psychic, is to align my soft hearted inner self with my external self. I'm not sure how I'm going to do that. What do I do? Cry more freely in front of people? Give more hugs? Talk about my hopes and dreams? Either way, she says if I can do that then I will finally start attracting people who are better suited to me. Quitting pot is helping, because it is making me more in touch with my emotional reactions to stuff. No more numbing out.

I dunno. I have a lot to think about still. And I don't even think I have met my next girlfriend yet. I think she's still a total stranger somewhere out there in the world.

I'm glad I am over my last girlfriend. She was such a jerkface. Jerkface jerkface.

I'm not sure what else to tell you about. This week I have to write two reports, one for Saskatoon Tribal Council talking about what I have done for my business, and then another Final Report for Canada Council about my trip to Germany last year for my retrospective. I need to get that in this week so that I can start working on my grant for Bunnyhug production funds. I'm asking for the top amount, which they don't like giving out very often. I'm not sure if I will get it but I have to try, because if I do get it and can make a super low budget feature film, then I will be eligible for future funding from Telefilm and the Harold Greenberg Fund. It would be really good for me, it would open up my options that is for sure.

I just want to be a filmmaker! It's so ridiculous, I feel like getting diagnosed with bipolar disorder and getting so sick twice in the last decade really kicked the shit out of my career. It set me back and made me less able to create for a long time. All that shame the psychiatric hospital instilled in me really subdued me for a long time, and the shame that other people heaped on me for losing control and acting in such strange ways that they didn't understand. It really fucked me up. And I see contemporaries of mine who have already done things I wanted to do but couldn't because I was fucked up and/or overmedicated. That one Zyprexa year fucked me up, I was a total zombie. Sure I made Love & Numbers, but that was it!

Still, I did go back to school and finished my bachelor's degree. And I did write a feature screenplay. In fact that is what made my creative output so limited those years, because creatively I was focused on telling the story of my first manic episode, fictionalized of course. But based in a real event. It kind of pissed me off that I did all that work but didn't get any attention or recognition for it because it is still unproduced.

Anyway, blah blah blah, Sunday thoughts.

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