Sunday, February 05, 2012

Well Fuck That!

It's Day 17! The end of Day 17. Last night I was around people smoking weed, and Budder, which is this super concentrated THC made from putting butane through marijuana buds and which costs ounce per ounce the same as gold. I was offered some, but I said no I quit and they said "Good for you" and that was that. It was pretty positive. I felt sort of tempted, but I didn't want to fall back into that old stupid habit. I don't want to be a chronic anymore and I know I can't be a social smoker, it's all or nothing with me.

I had a good chat on facebook tonight with a friend over this issue of being in love with someone who makes me feel stupid and dweeby. She said not to give that girl power over me in that way and that I should just concentrate on the good things that are happening in my life and that eventually hunnies would come when I am all sorted. It's true. I want to be open to falling in love with someone new, someone who doesn't make me feel like shit. Someone who isn't going to take off if I have mental health problems again, which to be honest I probably will. Maybe not as bad, but at some point I am gonna be depressed or ridiculously manic. It's just what I have to deal with. And I can't be with someone and promise I won't have those problems, because there's only so much I can do to stay healthy.

So fuck her and fuck that and to hell with being in love. I want to get rid of my feelings for her and move on and be open to someone more suited to me, not someone who's going to tell me I'm not good enough for her because I don't have whatever she defines as ambition. She doesn't even have an undergraduate degree, I don't know where she gets off talking about a lack of ambition on my part.

Good things that are happening: well, I was offered another contract dealing with some performance archival footage for a local artist run organization, and I start my drivers education tomorrow at noon. I am finally seeing my psychic on Tuesday, which is really exciting, I am ready to find out about my future and get some direction again, I am hoping it will help me work on my five year plan. My quitting cigarettes is still going well, I'm on 2mg lozenges and I don't have very many in a day, but I am still not ready to give them up completely. Like I said earlier I am on day 17 of no weed, and that is going well. And I am hitting the gym again tomorrow, which will be good for me, healthy. Make me happy. I've been going about five times a week or so, for an hour each time plus 20-30 minutes in the sauna after. It's been really good for my detoxing. The only thing is I haven't been knitting as much as I was for a while, it's like I replaced knitting with going to the gym, and I think I need some more balance. Knitting is really nice. Plus I did want a scarf. So I should get back to it.

I do have hope for my life, I think I am finally getting back on track with where I want to be. I just wanted to be healthy and to have motivation again and so on and so forth. I want to make my feature film and make other films and continue progressing with my life. I dunno, maybe I'm not even ready for a relationship, there is a lot of adjusting I have to do now that I am not a chronic. There is one other person I would totally have a long term relationship with, but she lives way too far away. Still, she is really nice and cute and sexy and oh sigh. I would totally import her to Canada if she was into it, but I don't think she is into it.

Plus, oh, I think I am not done experimenting. I want to try monogamy for a change. I think it would be nice to just be with one person, to devote all my loving and sexual energy to that one person and not be always pressured to keep looking for other lovers to make it fair that my partner has various other lovers. That really sucks. I'm kind of tired of poly relationships, I think they are a bit fake, and I just want to see if it would work out better for me to make a commitment to someone. One someone.

My friend made a point that my other dynamic was not very equal, and that is a concern. I need a more equal relationship, even for a submissive equality is important. I don't want to end up with someone who has some kind of superiority complex. That's really boring. I couldn't be a good submissive if I felt like garbage. I wouldn't feel safe enough to be that vulnerable. I guess some bottoms like being treated like trash, but I am not one of them, I like being highly valued, I think that's the way it should be.

Anyway, I have some shows coming up at the Mendel this year and next year, I am in the It Is What It Is show that the National Gallery of Canada did of their recent acquisitions, and they are showing it here. And this other curator approached me about showing a few videos in a couple years. 2013 or 2014. And I am sure I have other shows coming up other places.

So yeah, fuck this love that never loved me. I deserve way more. I'm tired of trying and being treated like crap. Surely there is someone out there who is looking for a Thirza, someone who would be so into the kind of person I am and the kind of relationship I want. I feel like no one has ever really satisfied me yet. They've come close, but really I would never get back together with any of my exes. They are exes for a reason. No one has ever totally explored my submissive tendencies and my masochism, for example. I always feel rejected when I mention things I would be so into and my lovers act like I am a freak.

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