Pandemic

I keep hearing people say "Next there will be a pandemic." It's here, in case you haven't noticed.

It's not really a coincidence that AIDS emerged just after the Queer movement really started. Excuse me, Gay liberation, because that's what they called it. The two epicentres of the pandemic were San Francisco and New York. There were also two experimental vaccines being given to gay men in both of those cities. For the old school boys, they still remember getting those vaccines and it still freaks them out. Obviously not every vaccine had HIV, because that would be too obvious. But I think whatever the concept was, they didn't realize that pansexual identity was alive and well, and that it was never going to stay in that one community. Currently 70% of seroconversions world wide are through heterosexual intercourse. In Mumbai almost 600 people contract HIV every night.

You might be surprised to know that the best HIV prevention education I got was from sex workers, gay men, and recovering junkies. They were amazing to talk to! I remember dating a sex worker once and I started asking her how she stayed safe, I mean, because it is a risky job, clearly, and for all kinds of reasons. She told me some neat things. She talked about being careful with lipstick, because sometimes it eats away latex. She talked about how you never put your seatbelt on and if it gets dodgy you open the door while they are driving, because no matter what they were going to do to you, they don't want to fuck up their car. She was intense! I don't think she knew why I was asking, I wasn't going to be a sex worker unless I had to do survival sex, but I always knew that it was possible I would need to do survival sex work because of my identity. But mostly I just wanted to know that she was as safe as she could be, because I loved her and we really didn't know how to be ourselves in this kind of a world. We broke up over triggers, I was still pretty clueless about them.

And then some of the most politically aware people I met were recovering junkies. My friend Brent used to talk to me about his life in the downtown eastside and all these socialist things he used to do in his life. He was an amazing political activist for a really long time, and he's an older guy, he must be fifty now. Anyway, I remember one day he said "They're sharing HIV positive needles on purpose now. It's the only way they can get on disability, and disability pays more than regular welfare." It was sad. I mean, we both knew the kinds of people who walked through that neighborhood, and most of them had hard luck lives. ANYONE can end up in the downtown eastside. And once you're there, holy fuck, it is hard as hell to escape. I gave him an Erika Lopez book to entertain himself with, I think he liked it.

I was talking to a friend once and was shocked to find out that she was as old as me and had only ever used condoms once. I think people have romanticized unsafe sex. I mean, you can do risky stuff but you have to be really really fucking careful and really clear about boundaries and wow, it's intense. And not many people can do monogamy. Some can, but relatively few. And sometimes I wonder if that's just because they're looking for better sex, more than that they are not in love. It's funny though, that in a time when we HAVE to really take this pandemic fucking seriously, so many of the most well trained HIV educators have been silenced because of their identities. And instead we have fucking True Love Waits campaigns, and girls are doing anal because they think it's safer than possible baby making sex. It's insanity! Most youth are total sodomites now, and they don't see it as sex, it's foreplay. I don't know how that happened. I mean, sodomy is ridiculously fun, and if boys don't know how vaginas work, and most don't, then maybe they should stick to that! But really, you need to think about safer sex for all kinds of things, not just penis in vagina sex. And it's true that condoms break, but fuck, that is better than none at all isn't it? I don't know, homophobia and transphobia really is going to kill the planet. And we've been distracted with some fucked up campaign against a country not many Americans really care about except they've been told to hate it.

Mikiki

I think Mikiki is going to start writing here, I hope so, because hir work is amazingly fun. Ze does an activity called the Drag Race, which has been in Saskatoon too. And ze has a makeup library. Here's Mikiki's drag race documentation.

Detroit

I think the scariest contrary I have never met is Eminem. I know no one has been able to place him in art history yet, because he is a complex little character. Stef turned me on to Eminem, I was so avoiding his work because I knew it was all hate stuff. But I was still curious, because he was so intense! I don't think anyone has really clued in that he is pretty much in drag all the time. Detroit male drag! I didn't grow up in Detroit, but in Saskatoon that was the American news we watched. And Detroit is hardcore! They set stuff on FIRE at halloween! They're bizarre. So that was the male model he patterned his character after. And he has tried to make sure people know they are personas, because he uses different stage names. But he walked into the heart of darkness man, that's been intense to watch.

What is interesting about his work is that we assume he is talking from the position of the ugly straight man. And he's not! He's singing about gay male misogyny. And it's fucking intense! He brings out all the ugly thoughts gay men have about women and places it front and centre and somehow linked it back to heterosexual men, and that is scary! I think so many people have tried to pull him out of drag because he does make gay men look so awful! But it is a persona, because I've followed enough of his music and his personal life to know. And I think I know why he is doing it, because he's the father of a girl! Do you honestly think he wants that kind of life for his daughter? Fuck no, and it comes out in his music, he gets violent if a fan comes around him and his kid. He seriously flips out to defend her, it's so hardcore! I mean, he does love women, because he's raising one, and he's trying to figure out how to keep her from living in a world that worships Slim Shady. He's so genderqueer, I don't know how people don't pick it up. He even dresses like a girl sometimes, but his fan base still doesn't get it. I don't know how he's going to prove that lesbians are cool, but he's trying. He's so consumed by the corporations though, they don't know what performance art is. And of course now he has a rabid fan base of guys who want to suck his cock and don't know why. I'm so curious to see how he's going to come out of drag, because it's been bizarre to watch.

Milos Forman and Ken Keesey

Milos Forman is a brilliant director, because he knows how to cross cultures to talk about his life. It took me ages to watch One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest, because I knew it was going to be fucking intense. And Stef tried to make me watch it for the first time in French and I was like "Fuck off!" Anyway, we did watch it together, I got the deluxe DVD. And there's an amazing documentary on there about the making of the film. It was independent, that was not a Hollywood film, but he found backers who did come from Hollywood money, which was amazing. And he was actually making a film about his life in Eastern Europe. That was an Eastern European story. And he did it in an American style. His process for getting his actors into character was phenomenal, because he let them be crazy all the time. They actually lived on the ward and people stopped being able to tell if they were the patients or the actors. Some of them totally regressed, but they had a psychiatrist on staff who calmed them down and let them know that they were just playing like children, it was okay, they were going to be fine. And they were fine, because Milos set up the ultimate safe working experience. He made sure they were okay even though they went hardcore into their characters. And they didn't have to put it away at the end of the day, they got to stay in character ALL the time. And most of those actors were then unknown, but of course now you look at them and so many have gone on to do amazing work.

And he was a true collaborator. He let them go where they wanted, some of it was totally unscripted. And he did put in a code, which was amazing, and I use it too.

We think it's a film about Randall P. McMurphy, and it kind of is, but in the Ken Keesey book, it's actually written from the viewpoint of Chief. It's all about Chief watching this stuff happen to a white guy and seeing that race doesn't matter, anyone can get seriously fucked over. Ken Keesey was a genius too. He wrote Cuckoo's Nest after spending some time working as an orderly in a psych ward. And then of course he went on to drive around America in his Acid Kool-Aid van. He was a hippie! And to learn about power, he was an orderly, and obviously he didn't like what was happening there.

There's a great scene in Cuckoo's Nest where McMurphy gives Chief a stick of juicyfruit as they are on their way to the ECT room. And Chief finally says something, after all that time being super quiet. And he starts trying to help McMurphy without being noticed, because he needs the staff to keep thinking he's a dumb Indian. And they have these intense conversations about growing up as men and how you get worked on. But Chief was never going to say anything to McMurphy as long as McMurphy was racist. It was only when he finally realized McMurphy was curious about him that they really became friends.

I think maybe it is a good film to watch right now, if you do feel crazy. Because the end is amazing!

I actually did find a few people who helped me in the ward, it was hard though, because I was a closeted transman and they were gay men. And they spoke French, so we needed a translator. This was in the hardcore ward with the sex offender. Anyway, the translator I used was an HIV positive gay man. And he was awesome, it was hard on him though, because he had no clue what I was doing. And I remember when I went into the ward the staff kept saying "Don't touch him, he's . . . special." They wouldn't even let me hug him, they were so paranoid. And we weren't going to have sex, we just needed to be affectionate with each other. So we held hands when no one was looking. And he started falling in love because no one was touching him, he was a pariah, really, and that threw him because he thought I was a lesbian, everyone did. I remember one time I forget what I was doing and the gay male orderlies were like "You can't do that here, this is a straight ward!" And I said "What? No homosexuals allowed?" I knew what they meant but I didn't want them to get away with a translation slip. And they started giggling like little girls, they were like "No no no, we mean strict!" I don't think the man I was incarcerated with knew I was going to be okay, because by the end of psych care they do get rid of empathy. But I knew enough about HIV to know we couldn't do anything, I mean, they sure as hell don't pass out condoms in the ward. I hear that's changing now. And the guy I was with, he was having a hard time on his meds because they stopped him from being able to ejaculate. And it was torture on him, I mean, it was the only release he had and he could not get it even on his own.

And I remember I really fucked up people, because they didn't know why a girl wanted to be treated with respect. They were so confused on that front, because they assumed girls were passive and meek, and I was all "Fuck all y'all!" They called me a princess, and it really bothered them, because someone like me wasn't supposed to be so uppity. Not a GIRL! If I had been a bioman, it might have been slightly different, but I doubt it. They always find some way to fuck you up with gender there.

So maybe my point is just that you should buy some juicyfruit for friends.

Womenvisions

My first contact with the Vancouver queer community was through co-op radio, on a show I worked on called Womenvisions. I was the control room dude. I remember one time they did a call in contest and the first caller was a man. And they were so shocked.

Stark Raven was just before Womenvisions, and it was the anarchist show. And that is how I met my friend Louise, because she was the control room dude for that show. She was great, she looked like a white Grace Jones. She ended up in a video of mine that aired on WTN and became some kind of butch sex symbol, it was cute. Anyway, we just started bonding on the control room thing and it evolved from there. She was fun to pal around with. I think hanging out with lesbians IS a good thing for trans guys, because they teach you about your body, and other girl bodies, and they don't seem to mind handing you over to gay male friends to learn about boys. And gay men are also really good at talking about their bodies.

I remember when one of our friends seroconverted and Louise and a bunch of other lesbians stepped up to the plate and took turns providing care. And once Louise was over there cleaning and she picked up this thing and put it on her wrist. And when she told the guy she had forgotten to take it off and was going to give it back, he was like "That's a cock ring!" And she was so cute, she was like, "Oh, well no wonder it's on my wrist because that's my cock." He let her keep it, she wore it for a long time. And it was so great because she was such a nice person in every other way, and yet she totally flaunted this fisting symbol. I don't think she ever knew how many girls chased her. She was the best butch barbie doll too, I'd go over and she would spend literally an hour trying to figure out which t-shirt and jeans to wear. She was butch but in so many ways she was such a girl! She convinced me to have a breast casting party with her, and all we did was feel up girls breasts, they loved it! Anne got her nipple ring caught though. And someone told me some intense BDSM fantasy while I was trying to cast her breasts and it made me all shy, it was funny. I think it was a bondage fantasy.

I remember her friend who seroconverted was telling me about it once, because he wanted to make a video. And he said "They always tell you that you are on a train to Pittsburgh. And you can slow the train down and you can take a few different routes but you will ALWAYS get to Pittsburgh." What the hell? Is that some kind of Vera Charles reference? Are we all talking in English accents while on a train to Pittsburgh? The way HIV education in this world is going, it would seem so. I am so hopping another train.

Men do get hand envy, by the way, the educated ones anyway. I remember one time Archer was looking at my hands and he said "I am so jealous. Your hands are the right size. You're so lucky!"

Native Youth Today

I've watched a disturbing trend show up in Native children. It's like, they're trying to compete with Europeans who have been taught a certain way forever, and it's made them into assholes!

I remember I did my first official teaching gig with Cease Wyss, and we were training some youth to make videos. And they were assholes! I know not all of them were like that, but as an entity they found the true meaning of Wanker. They did stupid shit like change the clocks on the walls so they could get out early. They ignored instruction and then got mad when they realized they didn't know something. We couldn't even get to the basic three light set up because they'd pitch a fit about watching us assemble and disassemble a red head, and then when it was their turn to do it they'd get all sullen and smart alexy. I had no idea how to find anything they liked to start them out with, because they hated everything! I mean, it was insane, they could bitch out the sun if they wanted to. And it became a crisis in the aboriginal art community at large, actually, because suddenly all these well respected artists were like "We don't want to teach youth anymore. They are assholes." It's true. And in fact the new thing is teaching elders to make videos, because honestly, the youth are way too arrogant to do anything with. And I'm talking people in their early twenties acting this way. And a lot of them were total phobes, so stupid! They coasted on assumption and it was never going to take them very far. I think afterwards some of them clued in, but fuck it was hard, because they took the lead of the major alcoholic in the group because he was a boy and he was big and he could open his mouth and make words come out.

Either way, I hate to say it but by and large the aboriginal community is abandoning it's youth, because they've turned into monsters! Not all of them, but some really assimilated ones, yeah! Which is why I hope Laurel starts writing because she's been teaching inner city kids and she's finding out how to get them to talk about things they like. And she's demanding. And she got a whole class to start saying veranda instead of porch, because they liked that word.

I didn't have a deck in high school, I had a linai.

Norval

Surprisingly few people know that Norval is also a two spirited artist. Leanne Martin and Morgan Wood curated some of his explicit works in Exposed, along with some of my stuff and lots of other people. It was an interesting step to take, because our community was finally trying to talk about the fact that we had sex. And that was something that was hard for us to talk about because of what happened in the residential schools. I mean, so awkward, really, and understandably so. And I dunno, I talk about sex all the time because I'm hoping that eventually people won't feel embarrassed by their sex lives. Because originally Aboriginal people were totally pansexual. And that's something that was supressed during colonization. Did I spell supress right? Fuck it, whatev man. But I've noticed that people are so embarrassed by their sex lives that sometimes they self destruct on that front, and have terrible unsafe sex! And HIV is on the rise in our communities, so we HAVE to start talking about sex. And not being aggressive with each other, but just talking about the fact that it's not a bad thing, it's just abuse that is bad. I dunno, it's hard for people to draw those distinctions. It was hard for me, I mean, if something bad happens often you just carry it around in your body until you can figure out how to let it go. And if you go stone, you don't ever let it go!!! No, but there is a thing about touch, and that is hard for survivors of serious shit. Even when I was working through the hospital, I did not want my mom to come anywhere near me. I was all on guard.

My mom gave me a print of Norval's for my apartment. It was "Bear as Keeper." I could only find a titchy jpg of it though.

Only in Dreams

This one of the songs James Luna has used in his performances. It was my favorite song in high school too. Weezer was cute.

First Year Emily Carr

People sometimes think going to art school is a cop out, like it's all fun and games. It is fun, but the workload is fucking intense, I mean, you really never ever stop working there. I still did school work in my dreams, it was so intense.

First Year was the weirdest though, by far, because in a way they had to weed out people who couldn't hack it. And they did it in this so bizarre way, because they basically turn First Year into high school. You have a seperate corridor for doing first year things and all your classes and you get to go into the auditorium for lectures. This is the Lictors returning to Brutus the Dead Bodies of his Sons. Yes, that was the one I remember the most. I had the title memorized just because it was so unwieldy. But it was an interesting concept, I mean, if you wanted to know if artists could hack art school, simulate a high school environment, but with total free thinking.

I think that is what pissed off a lot of people, because we were so ready to leave high school. None of us had felt we engaged in high school society to our full capabilities. So I kept hearing my friends say "This is high school! We're still in high school!" And it seemed to be the queer ones who had the most trouble with the concept, because we'd do something totally 'mo and all these people would give us weird looks like we were fucked up. I think the professors really defended the queer students though, as much as they could anyway, because they knew queer theory was just always in art, always. It's just there.

I remember it so well, because I was in a class Judy Radul was teaching on media and I did what I thought was a hilarious little composition. I had interviewed BDSM friends about the community we were in, and I mixed it to a four track. And I had some really funny clips. I had my roommate Christie, for one, and she had wild stories! I got her to tell me all about pansexual sex clubs in San Francisco, and it was so cool because she was very matter of fact about it. She even told me what a witches wheel was, and I still haven't seen one of those anywhere I've gone. And so I made my little report to the class and all these people gave me this freaked out look. And I was like "What? What? Why is that weird?" I think after class Judy said "You know, most of these people haven't had sex yet." Maybe a different prof told me that actually. And I was like "Whatever, I've only had sex three times, why is this so hard for people to talk about? Isn't that what you're supposed to do with sex, talk about it?"

I don't know. I did know, however, that boys were totally willing to spill their secrets to the girls. A gay friend of mine was like "Do you know all the boys draw in the bathroom is penises? That is all they draw! I don't think they know how to draw anything else."

The best elder was there for first year, Shirley Bear. I can't explain why she was the best, but she influenced EVERYONE who was there at the time. I remember one time later on in second term I walked into her office all glum. She asked "What's wrong?" "Oh. The other day I was napping and a thunderbird flew in and started flying around and around and it dropped a mouse on my back and the mouse ran in to the base of my spine and did something and then they both went away. I feel like I am being called to something. What do I do? Do I have to start being a medicine person?" And she gave the best answer, she said "You are nineteen years old, you have to go be silly for a while." And I was like "Hey man, awesome, now I can figure out who I am." I honestly think that is the best recommendation for early spiritual seekers, except for that cult thing, yes, that is the pitfall. But I think going to Emily Carr for four years did help me figure myself out. And I remember by the end of it when I was on antidepressants, people started telling me "You act SO drugged." I'm curious what it would have been like to do Emily Carr without pills, but they got rid of Shirley Bear just after first year ended, because she was freaking them out because she would smudge with students.

It hit all the students really hard. And we were trying to get her back for ages and the administration wouldn't budge. Worse than that, we knew even if we did convince them to rehire her, she was never coming back. It was such a difficult time. I think she went to bat for the Native students a hell of a lot more than most of them knew. Ah, they probably did know. But she knew where students had to go and she would fight with people if they didn't get it. Because Emily Carr seemed to think Aboriginal students needed studio classes badly, because they didn't know that all aboriginals grow up doing studio really, in their own ways. So I think it was the rare person who actually got to move into a specialized area of learning. She fought for me to get into the film department, she was tough. But I don't think Emily Carr was ready for an elder who knew that essentially all her students knew what they needed. Because we just naturally came in humble and saying we didn't know stuff, and that was an attitude that Europeans never understood, because they assumed it meant we really DIDN'T know stuff. But mostly "I don't know" is a really good mantra for learning, honestly, which is why you say it so much.

But the students did bond, the native students, because we had to, we still had to struggle with our race, in a friggin art school! And I remember watching other more brown native people being asked to talk about their culture in class. And I just thought, that is lazy. They're learning about their culture right now and you're trying to make them give answers instead of have good questions. I remember for one of our groups shows we all gave our treaty cards to Sondra Cross, who copied them and made a mobile. And this guy who's name I have flaked on said "Yeah man, it's called Statusfaction!" I thought that was so clever. I mean, we did inspire each other, which was the fun thing. Peter Morin went on to try to break the Guinness World Record for largest bannock. So you can kind of see where it all went. And the guys and girls did talk to each other, and they were fine with queers. They didn't care who you were as long as you knew how to make them think. And they were having fun! They didn't always want to make the hardcore stuff, they wanted to be silly and make each other laugh. We all knew our history to begin with, we didn't want to talk about all the bad things. We wanted to goof off. We knew the bad things were there!

I think James Luna was one of my inspirations for being ridiculous AND political. He came to Saskatoon once and we all got to hang out with him. We went to Buds on Broadway and went dancing. And I used to talk to him about music, because he knew some funky boy music that I had never heard of before. And he did this one great transformation performance to Weezer, I mean man, such a boy! He was great. And he knew how hard it was for light skinned Native people, which was something that made me feel better. In fact, in the art community I find that skin tone amongst Native artists doesn't really matter, they just want to know that you GET IT. And people can be clueless with any skin colour.

Apparently Norval Morriseau had a whole room full of dildos. I think Barry Ace told me that one.

orbs

orbs
Originally uploaded by fit of pique.

I don't think Deanna will mind me posting this. This is a photo taken on the night we burned my psych stuff and set off fireworks for Christopher's birthday. We are setting off fireworks here. I've never seen anyone in my family get orb photos before, but here it is.

Sailors

I've been trying to avoid the news like the plague, but I did see that Iran let the British sailors go, which was a good move. I don't want to see anything escalate more than it has. Maybe this will start making people think less bad things about the Middle East, and about Britain. I mean, things really don't have to get fucked up violent at all.

Sides

My friend said this interesting thing yesterday about growing up. She said she didn't become a woman until she accepted her masculine side. And I think that's very appropriate for the times, because I do think men accepting their feminine side and women accepting their masculine side makes talking a lot easier. And I don't think having both sides going on limits someone from still inhabiting a particular gender they like or can work with, even if the gender seems to conform to their physical bodies.

Vain Boy

Vain Boy
Originally uploaded by fit of pique.

I am a vain boy! I realized I haven't taken a picture of myself recently, so I thought I would give you the boy shot. I fussed with this picture so much! It made me think a lot about gender presentation, actually, but fuck, I still look goofy. So this is me as an out boy. The clothes are old, I wore these clothes all the time anyway, even when I was still going by my old name.

Masculinity is a Drag

I'm pretty butched up right now, I will post a picture later. But it should be noted that masculinity is a costume as much as anything, so you might see me be all kinds of boys. I think people often take masculinity for granted and assume it's a totally natural state. Which is, well, masculinity is real, yes, but it's still something you can put on and take off in certain ways. Same as femininity. There are all kinds of male drag that people wear, and often people don't question it unless it shows up in a two spirited person. I dunno, that's just a quirk.

It's Easter soon. It's a busy weekend actually, because some friends are getting married and a bunch of people are in town for that. And I also feel obligated to attend Easter services with my grandparents, since I've been going to Christmas and Easter services for four years. And I know they're concerned and I don't want them to think they brought up Damien! So yeah, I will be fine, I can actually talk to people about normal everyday things again, which is good because I know my family is kind of confused. I think they will be okay. And I can actually take communion now, which is kind of funny. I think all of us got baptized while Auntie Beth was being ordained, although not everyone is going to be Anglican. Personally, I don't feel tied in to the Anglican church, but my family has that going on so I have to respect that as well as everything else. And I do, I know it makes sense to a lot of them and they still have Aboriginal ideas. Either way, they needed at least one grandchild who would do churchy things sometimes. And I do like all kinds of religions, honestly. I just don't like when cults attach themselves to one.

It's chilly out. I got my bomber jacket out of the closet because my other one looks silly on me, but it's still not warm enough. I think I am getting out of feeling like a teenage boy, although I know I totally look like one right now. I'm going to be a 29 year old man on the 26th and I look like a teenager!! It's so weird.

I've realized I'm having trouble talking to some women, just because it's awkward. I don't want people to think I deliberately switched sides for some ominous reason, I was always going to end up here. But there are a lot of women I am still talking to, and that is good. In fact, if you wanted to try and have an awakening from a female perspective, all of Tori Amos' songs are awesome. She's into Gnostic Christianity, and she has some interesting things. And she's part Native, of course. I don't know if it's only aboriginals waking up. I don't think so at all, not from the pulse I'm getting, which is good. Anyway, yes, Tori Amos is putting out her whole collection this month, it is called A Piano. So if you'd prefer hearing this in a girl voice, that's a good spot to start. It's not so scary. And I think she likes all kinds of religions too. She's very healing, especially for survivors.

My hair wants cutting.

The trans group is AWOL. I mean, the one I was going to go to. Which is okay, but it would have been nice to meet them. Maybe later. I have met trans folks all over, so I don't feel woefully alone. I actually think maybe I should start talking to some of the boys in my life, because a lot of them are all confused and muzzy and doing self destructive stuff, because guys do that. Not that it's a good option, it's just what I have noticed. I think I should start talking to some of the other girls I knew in high school too. I know Heather is supposed to call me, and I have Danielle's number, and I could probably round them up because they all went off to do stuff. I'm curious where they are now. Mostly I'm getting my feet back on the ground and trying to contact people, just so they know what is up. With my gender, anyway. At the very least.

I'm going to be 29 soon! That's insane! I feel like I was 24 only yesterday.

Codes

There are some codes in this blog, which is why some of it looked all fucked up. I should explain at least ONE of them so you don't think I'm a total idiot.

King Kong will stop the rain.

Now, I don't actually believe that we are going to get a giant gorilla to stomp around. That's silly! That's an injoke from Data Lounge, which happens to be where a lot of closeted celebrities post anonymously. They stay pretty covert, but everyone knows they are there because sometimes they complain that they can't do anything politically because their Academy votes don't count for politics. Well, no, honestly, no of course Academy votes aren't going to change the world. BUT maybe if people stopped being chicken and actually stood up for their community, things would change. That's what I think anyway. But I don't know, maybe King Kong won't show up.

Packing

I've been pretty much packing since I decided to be Sarain again, or finally, or whatever. I have to say, it's really weird! People are starting to look at my crotch. I got totally cruised by some suburban guy the other day. Fuck guys are horny buggers! Ah, not all. But you can so tell now, oh my god! I've never gotten the eye contact, basket gaze, eye contact thing before. Holy crap you guys!

I walk different, which is weird, I walk more the way I used to walk, which is nice. But it's such a boy walk. I walk like I'm carrying heavy armaments, and really I'm just buying a carton of milk. It's weird! I'm trying to remember the girl side and not get caught up in privilege, but it is so different. I've never fit my gender presentation before, not like this. It's like living in a different world. I'm starting to try to dress more like a boy, I don't know how to explain that since I'm a funny guy. I don't have many girly clothes to begin with anyway, so it's not like I have to get a new wardrobe.

I'm learning how to make eye contact, which is interesting. I never did that before. I'm learning a lot of things about walking in the world as a guy. But I'm still trying to be a decent guy. Fuck, the privilege thing is weird. I know I have to be confident to pass, but it's hard when I know what it's like to live full time as a female and be treated so differently.

Two Spirited

I guess I should explain where trans people fit in Aboriginal culture, I mean, in the olden days. In the olden days, what I just went through was really common during the coming of age of a trans man. I probably would have had it when I was quite a bit younger, but no one around me remembered anything about what this looks like. So I had to take small steps. I think they kind of got it when I came out originally, because they started talking about two spirited people, but they kind of just threw books at me and ran away. And I don't even know if they read the books.

Two spirited people can see from two perspectives at all times, in the original meaning of it, because they had a male and female soul. And becoming a powerful two spirited person meant you basically HAD to go through what I just went through. Not necessarily that extreme, but when I showed up I got a mission right away from my cousins. And then, I don't know, I started collecting people's missions from that one original thing. Which is why it looks so scrambled, I had to make it make sense for me and also confuse the hell out of you and also make various points. And some of my points were wrong because I was going out of a bisected brain, which is why you have to look at it as a whole.

What anticonvulsants do, essentially, is cut your brain in half to stop seizures. Which is messed up, if you are two spirited, because it means you can't access your entire self on anticonvulsants. And then you're not two spirited, you're just weird! Which is why I was getting out of being weird. So hopefully I can now move on to being a normal two spirited person and not one fucked up on drugs, which I was for years. But I didn't ever really want to be on drugs, but no one cared. No, that's not true, someone did care.

Anyway, oh yes, so I am back. And while I have a guy name and am going to look like a guy now, I actually still have a total female side, which is nice, because she's much happier having the male side around too. Inside me I mean, all on my own. It's almost like being a couple, but not really, because it's just two expressions of the same thing. And there was always a girl side reading heavy stuff too, I mean, none of it was so cut and dried. I say I was a covert boy because my hardcore boy story was mostly happening outside of people's knowledge, which is I think a common experience to trans people. It's common to try on a gender in private. But obviously, boy parts of me showed up all the time too, mostly. It just stopped making sense with each other while I was on drugs. Fuck, two spirited people should not be on psych drugs! Quit fucking smashing the next great hope of Aboriginal spiritual revival, for god's sakes! Okay, that was my last plaintive cry. No, not really. I don't know? Really?

Two Spirited

I guess I should explain where trans people fit in Aboriginal culture, I mean, in the olden days. In the olden days, what I just went through was really coming during the coming of age of a trans man. I probably would have had it when I was quite a bit younger, but no one around me remembered anything about what this looks like. So I had to take small steps. I think they kind of got it when I came out originally, because they started talking about two spirited people, but they kind of just threw books at me and ran away. And I don't even know if they read the books.

Two spirited people can see from two perspectives at all times, in the original meaning of it, because they had a male and female soul. And becoming a powerful two spirited person meant you basically HAD to go through what I just went through. Not necessarily that extreme, but when I showed up I got a mission right away from my cousins. And then, I don't know, I started collecting people's missions from that one original thing. Which is why it looks so scrambled, I had to make it make sense for me and also confuse the hell out of you and also make various points. And some of my points were wrong because I was going out of a bisected brain, which is why you have to look at it as a whole.

What anticonvulsants do, essentially, is cut your brain in half to stop seizures. Which is messed up, if you are two spirited, because it means you can't access your entire self on anticonvulsants. And then you're not two spirited, you're just weird! Which is why I was getting out of being weird. So hopefully I can now move on to being a normal two spirited person and not one fucked up on drugs, which I was for years. But I didn't ever really want to be on drugs, but no one cared. No, that's not true, someone did care.

Anyway, oh yes, so I am back. And while I have a guy name and am going to look like a guy now, I actually still have a total female side, which is nice, because she's much happier having the male side around too. Inside me I mean, all on my own. It's almost like being a couple, but not really, because it's just two expressions of the same thing. And there was always a girl side reading heavy stuff too, I mean, none of it was so cut and dried. I say I was a covert boy because my hardcore boy story was mostly happening outside of people's knowledge, which is I think a common experience to trans people. It's common to try on a gender in private. But obviously, boy parts of me showed up all the time too, mostly. It just stopped making sense with each other while I was on drugs. Fuck, two spirited people should not be on psych drugs! Quit fucking smashing the next great hope of Aboriginal spiritual revival, for god's sakes! Okay, that was my last plaintive cry. No, not really. I don't know? Really?

I'm so not doing this on purpose!

I seem to be okay with cutie again, but then I keep accidentally saying profound stuff. I don't mean to. I used to just think it, but I could never figure out how to insert that in dinner conversation. I mean, dinner conversation can be pretty limited. So yeah, I guess technically she and I could have a virgin birth in the scientific form of it, but that was incidental really, because now I'm transitioning and we really do have to figure out if the kid option will be open later. Crap. Well, you did wonder about alternative families, so here you go. But honestly, we're still mostly just hanging out and trying to figure out what to do. I think she's known I've been missing a huge chunk of my life because she used to try to talk to me about high school and there were huge things I didn't remember at all. I still don't remember most of the straight guys names, but I wasn't paying much attention to them. But I do finally remember when we got cult resistance training, which I think is the most important part to remember about high school. Or one of them anyway. That was like Gifted Defense against the Dark Arts class, only with real life application. Anyway, she and I are fine now, I just thought the process of parthenogenesis was kind of romantic.

DNA

Fuck! I still have to figure out what to do with my DNA. Obviously I have an intense strain. I wasn't going to do anything with it because I didn't think people much liked me, and I was so not having my DNA live on in a world that doesn't care for me. But I dunno, maybe it is just too intense! On the other hand, passing that kind of genetics down is alluring, just because I know if it was with a certain someone we could end up with an intense strain of profoundly gifted gender variant XX children. I don't know if the world is ready for such a strain! It would be like reviving the Amazons or something. And they would probably be happy making art if there was no war, which is the good thing. And it's meat eaters DNA, which is also weird, because then you have to figure out a way of bringing back humane wild game hunting. Which can be humane if you have a good hunter, otherwise you can just be an asshole. But I dunno, First Nations DNA needs meat to survive, it's just kind of that way. A small family can live off of a couple of deer over an entire year if they have a large freezer. And eat salads, too, First Nations people ate vegetables, really! We do like side dishes.

There is a such thing as parthenogenesis, which is combining the DNA of two eggs to make a kid. You can't do it with two sperms, but eggs have enough DNA to do it together. It's been around for ages but it is supressed because guys don't want girls to know sperm is not necessary anymore. I kind of didn't think I could ever do it, but come to think of it I probably could find a scientist who has tried parthenogenesis. I mean, I did grow up with the people who trot off to do those things.

I'm worried about putting my eggs in a cryogenic chamber, just because I don't want some demented fundamentalist coming along and trying to raise my kids. I so think my kid would accidentally blow them up or something. I dunno. On the other hand, maybe no one would want to touch my DNA. I hate that I have to think of children now, because I still need to be a non-parent for a while, but if I start taking hormones I kind of have to think about that stuff right now. It's a tricky world. Plus I don't think a child I had would be safe right now, there are too many mean motherfuckers running around who would be totally into screwing around with the child of a transman. A Native child, no less, because I know what they do to Native children here. Hmm. So many issues.

Long Story

That has to be one of the longest stories I have ever told, and there's still tons more. But whatever. I think this is the story that might help things make sense again. And hopefully some other people will start writing now, because they have all kinds of insights, and some are about sex and gender and some are about gifted people and some are about spirituality and various other things people have noticed. I have a relative who is starting her journey and I've been trying to figure out how to talk to her, to tell her stuff she is experiencing is normal and that she can tell stuff to go away if it is freaking her out. I mean, that's the thing, you're supposed to be allowed to self direct it or all kinds of weird shit happens, like this! And you can take a spiritual emergency and make it gentle again, but not with psych drugs. With psych drugs you get stuck, for a long ass time! And you start right up again at the place you left off, in about the same condition as when you were frozen. So, if people did get frozen into a spiritual emergency, my advice would be to take as many supplements for your brain as possible, and smoke pot, and see a homeopath, and have a place to sweat it out where people won't freak out and try to reprogram you. And a lot of people WILL try to reprogram you, so you have to look out for that, because they will think they are helping, honestly, they honestly believe that force and punishment will make it better. Because they are fucked up! I'm sorry, but it's true, you have to assume people are dead right now and try to wake up in a way where people won't assault you. Because they do.

My Point

So I guess my final point is that the way psychiatry acts today is rather cult like, in fact, it meets every qualification for a cult. It uses shoddy evidence to promote it's cures. It covers up significant facts. It has way too many drugs designed to fundamentally alter brains. It pathologizes ordinary human emotions which we find troubling. It uses force to assert it's right over the individual. It is more interested in giving you the appropriate personality than finding out what your personality is. And they get all kinds of bizarre confessions out of people that doesn't make any sense whatsoever, not if that person is scrambling everything on purpose. And finally, it asserts cruel and unusual punishment on people based on their identity, including race, gender, sexuality, political beliefs, spiritual beliefs, and any childhood trauma available. And not only that, but it leaves you feeling totally deprived and worthless, no matter what crazy insane shit you've been pulling off for your whole life.

The Trouble with the internet

The basic script of the internet itself doesn't leave much room for deprogramming, because it's all based in a binary code. In fact, computers themselves are based on knitting, which is also a binary code. So like I said, it makes it hard to get people to think outside of the binaries when the format being used is a binary. So I dunno, maybe you should look at another mandala just so orient yourselves outside of binaries again. You can find bunches of them on Youtube.

Youtube

I have abandoned the idea of putting my video on Youtube. Cannes is soliciting shorts, so I think I might try that instead. Maybe not everything has to be on the internet.

Glassey Glue Incident

I was full on contrary for most of Gifted. I wanted to know if people would actually say what they meant. And so I did stupid boy shit like telling girls for a year that a green shirt was blue until I believed it and maybe they believed it and then I would change my mind on a whim. And most of the time, all of the time really, they seemed to know I was being a little fucker. And I had no idea they would talk about me behind my back until one day they told me to go find a bottle of Glassey Glue. You know Glassey Glue. It's in all the stores, everyone uses it, you can get it anywhere, it's the best glue ever. And my sense of fair play made me spend a whole evening dutifully calling every store in Saskatoon looking for Glassey Glue. It doesn't exist, by the way, although for all I know they put a patent on it for when I would tell this story.

Anyway, yes, they sent me off to prove God exists, because you can do that kind of shit to a contrary and they'll do it! Except I wanted to prove it all along, so in a way we both won that argument. They are amazing debaters, holy crap. I still don't think Jesus is the one and only story though, I think all kinds of stories are useful to talk about that kind of thing. And I think I proved that what happened in Bury my Heart At Wounded Knee was fucked up. I should actually start finding where they all went, because I have no idea what most of them are up to. I mean, not in a direct way, in an indirect way I know where they all are. They seem to be sitting in logic and feeling and trying to come together again, because half of them only show logic, which is why it's so weird. But I think they've been figuring out how to talk again. They have some good boundaries with each other.

Commonwealth

Maybe this is just a story about survivors of the Northwest Rebellion. I mean, it was a really turbulent time in history. It laid out the foundation of Canada. And various rights were reneged on both sides, over time. I mean, we didn't have any money, so all the rights we lost were economic, all the obvious rights anyway. And there was all kinds of back deals being made forever. There are still things poor people can do to survive. Like spending all their gifted education with the upper classes and the lower classes to find out what both were doing. Like admitting defeat on issues of spirituality and Glassey Glue. And trying to find out which questions needed to be asked. I mean, we did teach each other a lot, eventually. And for that reason I'm not sure any of the gifted people who did achieve things forget their weird classmates who were Contrary Mary's. Or just quiet and strange. We were all curious about each other really. I think we were just supposed to agitate against each other in school to find out where people stand. And people could argue with me really well, I was always so impressed. And sometimes I didn't even think of myself as being a pain in the ass, because I was used to doing weird shit, I was a boy! But a boy with feelings, and that was really weird for some people, I don't know why. A lot of gifted boys are all emotional, but they're taught to hide it. But honestly, they used to burst into tears all the time too, even the really straight ones! That's just the way boys are.

And some of my favorite gifted people were the ones who grew up in other places in the Commonwealth, and they were fascinating! They totally knew why Roald Dahl was the most important children's author. They could talk about corporal punishment and candy in the same sentence, they were intense! But they had class about it and I didn't, not in that particular way anyway. I was totally like "Yeah, let's start a school s/m club" and they didn't get that at all. I mean, obviously I didn't say that. It would have been funny though, which is why I would say something like that. But really, they were going to be kinky, I could so tell! And it was because, they figured out how to make their history fun, by reading these creepy yet funny stories. And they weren't all white either, they were all kinds of races. And most of them were atheists of some sort, which was interesting. I mean, they acted like atheists, because they really didn't know if God was real. I think that's a commonality among many people of the Commonwealth, because the fucking wealth isn't common!

Boy and Girl

I did have a boy and a girl life pretty much consistently throughout my life. It looked weird at times, because obviously one life would impact on the other, and that was unusual if you didn't know what I was doing in my boy life, and few people did. In fact, not really anyone ever knew. But I didn't think anyone could see why both of those genders were useful yet, everyone seemed so ready to take a side instead of look at the variety out there. There are some totally unclassifiable genders out there man! It's pretty cool. I don't think many people actually fit into the extreme gender I present sometimes. Not the extreme boy gender anyway. It's way too intense! The girl gender is kind of innocuous, in her own deadly way. Maybe because she doesn't quite fit. My girl gender I'm talking about, I mean. Then again maybe I just see her as innocuous because I always felt like she was a role.

It's like in MASH, the one soldier who cross dresses to try and get out of the army and instead they just start ignoring the fact that he always comes to work in a full length dress. I think there are an eerily high number of soldiers standing around in full length dresses.

Positive Thinking

Well now someone close to me can make earthquakes happen, crap! I told him, think of nice things. He didn't think it would work, so I asked him to think of nice things for other people, because he has a hard time thinking of them for himself. He says it doesn't work if he asks for nice things for himself. I told him to get a guitar, but he's so sad. Fucking hell. I hope he wakes up soon, he's starting to because he's remembering things. And they are happy things.

Did you ever see that film Saturday the 14th? It was so bizarre, and there was this great part in the middle of the night where the teenage boy would come downstairs and his whole family would be patting a lump of chocolate pudding and talking weird shit. And a portal to hell opened in the basement. It was a musical. Such weird movies! Anyway, yeah, think of something opposite to what I just said, shit!

For Luke and Steven

My Gender Now

You've probably watched me switch genders and sexualities a few times in this blog, which is fine because that's what happens. Right now, I am still a guy, because for some reason that's just a form I fit into really well. I can't pass as a girl. But I still find girls so cool. They know the fine art of being covert, in a way that guys have still never comprehended. I mean, "gossip?" Do you really think they just talk about shoes?

Sometimes they do start talking only about shoes and that's when I get nervous, because they're not saying what's really bothering them, they switch into the happy land and for some reason that comes out all "Shoes. Let's get shoes." And you know what I am hearing, from what I know of girls, is "I am so buying some boots right now to fuck you over with." I mean, most of the time they won't, most of the time they really do get nice shoes. But there's always that subtextual thing going on that you have to look out for, because girls talk in codes! They talk in slang and in jokes to get their point across, and it becomes legendary. I've seen Bowman in jokes make it to the world. I mean, it can start anywhere. And then people who pick it up have other ideas they attach to it. The internet is a computerized version of real things that happen.

Negotiating a Boy Hero

Luke and Steven spent ages trying to assemble the ultimate superhero for themselves, and of course I was in on all the negotiations. We liked Star Wars, but there's that Luke Leia thing and they turn out to be brother and sister. But the Force was a good idea. Later on they brought out Star Trek, which was interesting as a future world. They really loved Terminator, and of course I was supposed to be Linda Hamilton. Fucking hell, fine. They were trying to put in what they knew about gender to their superhero you see. And then they loved Aliens, we watched that whole series over and over. And again, I was Sigourney Weaver. Which is hard to live up to!! But the Aliens thing, yeah, totally got it, it was a show down between women where all these guys died, but the guys were kind of stupid, which is why they died, and even in her underwear Sigourney could still shove a huge alien out a space lock and swear all at once!

When they brought over Robocop I was like, WTF? You boys are fucking intense! Now I have to be a cyborg, oh man! And they really were arming me with fucking heavy conflict movies. I wasn't really originally going to go in that direction of being boy, but it was of the utmost importance. And sometimes they would give me this wild look like "Do you get it yet?" And I did disintegrate with them at the same time, but I was doing it in a different way, because I didn't want to follow either of their leads because I knew neither was really working. But I did spend time in the psych system, and I did spent time drinking, and both times I was like "Fuck, you guys! Why do you keep doing this? What does this do for you that you keep doing this to yourselves?" I mean, I did know, by then, but I had no way of talking to them about feelings, because they would always start drinking or popping pills. And I started realizing I was going to have to tell them a wild boy story to start getting them out of it. Because that's the way I talk to people.

When the City of Love was all out of Love

I made the worst mistake and went to Paris with a broken heart once.

It was terrible. I almost asked for french fries I was so distracted. I never got lost, which was the interesting thing, somehow I always knew where I was as long as I was in the old part of Paris. I never got lost in Berlin either. I could always find my way around the two cities. I ended up in weird neighborhoods though, since things change. Especially Berlin, Berlin didn't make too much sense, but I kind of understood it. But old Paris, yes, I totally was fine wandering around with two suitcases and a broken heart. But the broken heart overwhelmed everything. Not even staring at Le Origin Sur Le Monde for half an hour made up for it. And when I did find a trans statue in the Louvre, some guy came up to me and complained all about trans people, IN FRENCH! And I knew he was bitching out trans bodies, and that pissed me off. At the Louvre, honestly! He was like the French version of the ugly American tourist! Anyway, I spent my whole time in Paris absorbing as much art as I could before I had to leave. I lived off of vendor baguettes. I was such a poor boy!

And every store I went into, the same song played! The same song, always! And it was "All By Myself." Fucking hell, everywhere I went, even just to look at candy or something equally silly, this maudlin pop song would haunt me! I don't even know why Europe likes that music. Preston noticed it too when he was there. It makes North America seem so bubblegum.

I stayed on Rue Des Comediens, where the first cup of coffee was served in Europe, actually. And I didn't get to drink any absinthe, which is what I always try to do every time I travel. I honestly can't say why, except I think it's a shame it got corrupted and went off market. Real Absinthe is actually pretty safe, but it got all fucked up by the corporations. Anyway, yes, no absinthe for me. Someone has back engineered the original by the way. But I did always like this kind of bohemian Parisien lifestyle that used to exist. Because it was so decadent and artistic and free. And I think that was really the origin of the French resistance, was in the salons of Paris. Because men and women got together and talked about art, and feelings, and politics, and all their debate happened in a creative way.

I hope I can go to Paris without a broken heart some day, because I'm sure it would be different without that song playing all the time.

Gay Men

Gay boys drive me crazy, because they get so paranoid about gender. SO paranoid. And I think I know why.

I didn't really think about butch and femme until I started meeting other two spirited people in female bodies who were FEMME! That was so shocking for me. I didn't notice it unless I dated someone with the same gender as me, but they could do the girl thing SO well. I was like, fuck, you are such a boy, but you can be a really good girl! You do that really well, how do you do that? I can't do that! It was such a puzzle. I mean, I had never seen a two spirited person when they were in a gender presentation they could actually work with. And that was always why I ran away, because I couldn't understand how that kind of femininity worked. That always blew my mind, my brains would end up on the floor. A girl who knew how to play like the boys AND still keep her make up on, fucking hell! Fucking hell! That's insane! And there was always this frustrated moment between us where I'd be like, fuck, you be the top, I don't know how to beat that! You look like a girl! How do you make such an excellent girl?

But I don't know if they ever felt like such excellent girls, because no one ever wanted to see their boy side. And they totally have one and it makes everyone crazy. I mean, they make really good girls! But they can be so dangerous, because really no one acknowledges that they have a boy gender that's happy being femme. And I've watched them do insane things to try to prove that they are girls, and they don't have to prove anything. They're just too intense for most people. And they are girls, in this so super intense way. But I know one of them, if not more, would bitchslap me if I didn't mention upfront that they also have some intense boy stuff going on.

I remember when I got my psychic reading, she kept using a gender neutral term for someone I liked. And I was like "girl" and she kept saying "person." Fuck that was a good psychic. But it's true, I've watched all kinds of people show up. To be perfectly frank, most people nowadays are trans in some way or another. Just because if you want to use your whole brain, you have to access the other gender too. That's the way a whole brain works together. But I think butch and femme is still relevant, because that's how people have fun with gender. And it doesn't always look like butch-femme, sometimes it's butch-butch and femme-femme, because then you get fun variations. And I have seen boy girl couples that are femme femme, totally, that so exists.

See, now it's getting confusing again, which is good, because gender and sexuality are confusing.

The Social Position of Tomboys

I don't know that every tomboy ends up deciding to be a guy, I think it always varies. Some do get all girly, but not all of them. I think there's an idea that if you feminize a tomboy you can neutralize what that person learned when playing with the boys, but it's not true, because then they just go on and teach the girls how to play like the boys. It is so tricky, you can't ever contain that. And some tomboys I grew up with are women now, so you never know. I think the key is tomboys will choose a position of power based on what they learn from their lives. Not always though, some totally choose a non-powerful role, but even then it has a reason.

The two boys I grew up with treated me like two spirited children would have been treated in the old days. As in, they told stories to me about their lives. And we did rituals. And they basically played charades waiting to see if I could guess what happened to them, because they could not say it. I played all kinds of weird boy games trying to figure out what the hell they were on about. I walked around and around in a circle with a broom and a tea towel for four hours repeatedly trying to learn Luke's story. And it was an interesting story, in the symbolic form. I totally got it. And the funny thing is they were sure I was a girl, because no one ever taught them about two spirited kids. So I was unfortunately their model for ALL women. And I was bad! If they punched me I punched them right back, I didn't take their shit. But it was so hard for them to clue in to the fact that they were just playing with another boy. I think if they were playing with another boy they wouldn't have tried to explain so much in so many bizarre ways. On the other hand, if they knew I was a boy maybe they wouldn't have been such bad boyfriends! But you know, a lot of men base their future relationships on the tomboys they played with as kids, which is why they are so weird. Because women get two spirited friends too and they abandon them later on in life, which means they miss out on part of what they are supposed to know. It's a bad tactical error, because transwomen know some intense stuff!

But the fail safe device is ALWAYS tomboys, because tomboys can insinuate themselves in male society from day one, practically. And tomboys with other tomboys confuse the heck out of each other because that's when the other genders start showing up that don't equate. That's when gender starts falling apart. I mean, crap, Heather takes 911 calls for a living! That takes balls man, I just sold leftist memberships on the phone.

I like talking to guys actually, the ones who don't have that gender barrier up, because they can talk intelligently to women too, if they learn how.

Anyway, when Luke went to the bin I finally found out what they were trying to tell me. And that was intense. Basically there was no more gender differences as soon as they showed up, but that kind of gender indifference was so horrifying that they didn't know how to relate to the girly feelings guys usually have. They had split brains, one side to deal with this horrible thing that happened to them and the other side that was all nice happy things. And I'm finally realizing that a lot of those guys I grew up with, they don't remember ANY of the happy things we did. Some of the things we did weren't happy, if you look at it in a girl way, but in a boy way they did have the total guy childhood in a decent way. They just don't remember the good boyhood they had because they don't know where to place me in it. Because I would put on lipstick to freak them out! I went all contrary, because I had to, I had to figure out if girls were having just as much horrible shit happen. And they were! And girls didn't know how to talk to guys either because suddenly they got all the hate and angry feelings, and they didn't know that guys were putting their girl feelings in stasis until someone could mediate.

I can't believe I'm mediating, I feel kind of silly. But I watched Luke go crazy and Steven turn into an alcoholic and I was like "Fuck, what happens to guys when they grow up? How come they turn into instant asshole? I don't want to do that!" And I didn't, so I became the tranny Peter Pan and put off transitioning until I could figure out what happens to these girls that guys are mean too.

Boy Story

Sometimes Steven and Luke used to MAKE me watch boy movies because they were trying to explain something they couldn't otherwise. And all these movies were highly bizarre, but entertaining so I could kind of see the point. And the good ones had love stories in them.

The last good boy story that they ever showed me was Red Dwarf. I remember it was just before Steven got hardcore into drinking, and just after Luke ended up a chronic mental patient.

It was Red Dwarf. Steven knew how it began and he kind of knew how it ended but he made me watch the pilot episode with him because he knew he finally picked a boy story that could explain his life properly. And it did. Red Dwarf is a sci-fi series about a man of colour who spends his mining ship tour of duty in stasis, on purpose. Because he's bored, so he gets a cat which breaks regulations and stasis is the punishment. And meanwhile a nuclear accident happens on the ship which kills the crew and allows a super race of cat people to exist. And the cat people worship Lister, because he went into stasis, and told them all about a vending cart he was going to have on Fiji. It becomes Cat lore, and a schism happens over the colour of the outfits. It's been running for ages now, years and years.

Everybody's Dead Dave

Desk Graffiti

I used to be a graffiti artist in school, but only on school desks. And I would have conversations with people, and usually I knew who it was but I'd have all kinds of people notice this weird little writings. And some of them were injokes, and people started catching on to that, which was weird. And sometimes I just drew symbols and other completely unrelated things. Just because I wanted to see what would show up. And some other weird graffiti showed up, you can tell who people are by their graffiti really. Which is why I hate bathrooms, because it's gender specific graffiti and really mean. But desk graffiti, that was fun. And Britta did catch me at it one day, when she was in my desk at a different class. That was really embarrassing because she wrote "Thirza? Is this you?" And I was like, nope, that was not me.

But desk graffiti is an interesting way to teach subversively. That was before the internet. Because it has no position of authority, you have to question it. But you might agree sometimes.

I remember in school we all had to constantly thank Joni Mitchell, because she had no band, no theatre, no art class, barely anything when she went to Bowman, and she still did all this stuff. So ever since then Aden Bowman has been a weird school that has tried to rectify the fact that they didn't have enough resources when someone like Joni Mitchell attended. It made it an interesting school, because there'd be a little photo of Joni Mitchell, surrounded by all these jock trophies. And that was all, one mega star and a bunch of high school football players. It was such a weird dichotomy. They've always been trying to make up for that.

Last I heard a bunch of neo nazis were there.

Life

I think for four years I had trouble accessing both memories of my life, one life that was doing the girl thing, and the other that was doing a boy thing. But even though I am a guy there is still the whole girl thing going on, which is nice. I like being kind of a marshmallow. Sometimes. But then other times I wish people wouldn't try to tell me I can't do stuff, because that drives me crazy. Because usually I just want to do nice things, really, because I know when stuff gets mean. But sometimes your gender gets used against you! Because people don't honestly believe anymore that someone could understand what it means to be masculine and feminine and still choose the place they like best. Or even what gifted people are like, which is intense, because their brains just spin these amazing things. You so can't tell what they are up to unless you know they're being cared for properly. And gifted people are still so unknown.

I mean, raising a gifted child is a bizarre job, because they want to know the meaning of life as soon as they show up. And they have such intense emotions, it's bizarre, to see so much passion in someone who can move on later. And it makes everything really intense, so high school politics between gifted individuals gets equally intense. But since high school is a model for society, everyone could kind of figure out from their own standpoint where things went wrong. It was chaos theory at it's finest. And it was brutal, high school was so brutal, just because everyone kept raising the bar to see how high it could go. And I think that was hard on the regular students, who also went to school with us, because we were doing weird shit! And they never knew what.

My Generation

When I think about my generation of gifted friends, we had this ongoing in joke. "I'm going to get world domination." "No, I am, because it's my plan." We totally jockeyed for position and went off and did what we could to find some piece of it. So I think I just went off to find the opposite plan, which is this. If you read it properly no bad things happen. But you have to be compassionate, or you can take really bad directions. And it's not really in any order, and some of it is just fiction but I thought the stories were interesting. It's a boy story, which is why it is so awful, but girls are in it too. And they're pretty interesting. But I don't want the boy story to overwhelm everyone else's story. Anyway, I hope the friggin girls start talking on this thing, because they are so amazing. I love women. And everyone else.

Aden Bowman

Aden Bowman Collegiate, besides having been the high school of Joni Mitchell, had one other unique feature to it's courses. If you were an enriched student, you probably took the psychology class. And that was the best class, because it was so weird! And Ms. Beatty could always find some way to relate the subject matter to her own life, which was so awesome because then you wanted to know more about her, she was trippy! She put a quarter to her head one day for like, fifteen minutes, just to prove she could, and then she talked about how.

I remember she started teaching us about cults and MPD and all kinds of weird mind control shit, and how to get people out of cults, and how brainwashing worked. It was a weird month, she'd show us a movie, she'd be like "And now class, part one, of Sybil!" And we'd be like WTF? And then she'd come back next class "Part two, of Sybil!" And we're like what the hell is with Sybil? Poor Sally Field, man, was a weird movie. But we got it, it was such a rare sounding phenomenon though. And then when we learned about cults, it was another movie with some girl getting involved in some goofy cult. And there was one part in the movie where they were just jumping up and chanting over and over, and it didn't make any sense, the chant, not for us anyway. And Renee was like "Are they chanting "Juicyfruit Juicyfruit?" And that was such an awesome idea, because if you wanted a cult of free thinkers you would make them chant about something that made no sense what so ever.

"Juicy fruit, juicy fruit, ra ra ra!"

Anyway, I remember some friends of mine and I were bored and had nothing to do and Heather just got a new crappy car and someone, probably Chris, said "Let's go bother that cult outside of town!" And we were like, yeah, that is like such a good idea! And we drove out there and were snoopy little assholes and they chased us down the road in a truck. And we were all "OMG! Like, you guys, they were so mad! What do you think they're doing? They're freaks!" Anyway, I think since then that whole generation has been trying to figure out if Sybil really exists.

Madame Rosa

by Mirha-Soleil Ross





Madame Rosa is a 1977 French film adaption of the novel La Vie devant soi, written by Romain Gary under the pseudonym of Émile Ajar. Through his double identity, Gary, who had already received the Prix Goncourt in 1956 for Les Racines du ciel, received it again, in 1975 for La Vie devant soi, becoming the first writer to be twice attributed the highly coveted award. The film adaptation was directed by Moshé Mizrahi and produced by Daniel Pomerantz. It stars Simone Signoret as Madame Rosa, a frail, aging, retired Jewish prostitute and Auschwitz survivor who earns a meager living by caring for the children of younger sex working women, as well as Sami Ben Youb as Momo (short for Mohammed), a young Arab boy on the verge of adolescence. Momo hasn't seen his parents in years. Him and Madame Rosa struggle to make ends meet, and as her body and mind start to fail, it becomes clear that Momo is the only person she has left in the world. Despite his young age, he has to help Madame Rosa who refuses to be hospitalized. He will stay with her as she faces her ultimate fears, prepares for her last and most difficult voyage. The story of Madame Rosa and Momo unfolds in a multi-ethnic, multi-religious and multi-cultural community. The profound emotional bond between the two main characters, one an old Jewish woman and the other a young Arab boy, is what drives the film emotionally from the beginning to the end. The film also emphasizes the compassion and empathy that can be found in such a disadvantaged community context through the helping gestures of the secondary characters. Madame Lola, for example, while being bluntly described by Momo as "a transvestite" who had been "a boxing champion in Senegal", is depicted in both the book and the film without any sensationalism. To the contrary, she is presented as a compassionate human being who is concerned by the poverty of Madame Rosa and Momo, giving them food and money without expecting anything in return. Momo says of her that "she's really somebody", that he "likes her"; Madame Rosa declares, "She's a Saint, I don't know where we'd be without her". The dynamic represented between Madame Rosa, Momo and their transsexual prostitute neighbor, Madame Lola, stands as a good example of the type of deeply humanistic values and respect for human difference, whether that difference is of a sexual, religious, or racial nature, that is embedded in Romain Gary's written text and further successfully emphasized through Moshé Mizrahi's cinematographic representation of the story. The film won the Academy Award for Best Foreign Language Film of 1977. The book has been translated in English, but the same translation has been published under two different titles: The Life Before Us and Momo.



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Trans Liberation

I would get the hardest assignment, wouldn't I?

Kate had already drafted a battle plan by outlining the forces at work keeping in a police state and the binaries. And I knew even though I was the most boy of boys, I was still trans, and that meant my natural enemy was the police state. And like anyone, I wanted to be free. But I knew if I transitioned soon, I could get co-opted into upholding the police state through my own arrogance and ignorance of the true meaning of women's lives. And I watched trans guys get co-opted by that force, not all, but enough to decide to avoid it until I could work out the puzzle. But this was a tricky puzzle, because now to liberate my friends I had to take on fascism in any form. And that was fucking scary because I knew I would be alone for most of the time. And I had no idea what torture I was courting, although I knew I was courting it. I made the assumption that I would be tortured in psychiatric care, so I started asking people about that just so I would know what to expect. But the mundane details still don't adequately convey the horror, ever, and the pills were something different all together. I had not thought of myself before as someone who had an advantage because both sides of my brain could work at once.

The psychiatric care I recieved WAS torture, because it imposed an identity that wasn't mine and I knew wasn't mine. But it was so vast, that branch of power, and then I had to find out where it came from and how it operated and how to trump the mental health act, which was enormous.

I think by the end of my struggle to get out of it, I had forgotten I was on my trans liberation mission. Because when I started switching back into guy I was still on anticonvulsants, which meant I went through Asshole territory, something I'd been hoping to avoid. And my natural 2 sided brain wasn't able to give me my morals yet, because I didn't have my own female empathy to keep it even keeled. It was horrible, and I was like, fuck, guys really are jerks.

A number of trans men are on anticonvulsants by the way.

Men aren't jerks if they know how to use both sides of their brains at the same time, but so few do, because that one sided brain makes it seem like you actually have power, even when a bunch of women are talking about trying to take you down because you're being a dickhead. And they will take you down. I mean, I grew up with women, I know how intensely fierce they are, especially the generation I grew up with, because I helped them take insane risks and land safely on the ground. And they taught me to look for hidden messages, because that's how girls talk since they can't talk openly about a lot of things.

And believe me, sometimes when I was studying shit I would be like "Fuck, I could just be having sex right now, I SHOULD just be having sex right now." But then I would see all my friends being terrorized and it let me put my own needs aside for years and years. And I would go back to researching something I didn't even know existed for sure, but I operated on the leap of faith that something that crazy WAS possible. Because if someone as wild as me could exist on the planet, then obviously this shit had to as well. And I knew it did because every time I tried to make friends they would all start saying "Triggers, triggers." And I'd be like, what the hell? I was just being silly. Why do I keep hurting you? What the hell happened to you guys?

I mean, a global Stonewall is pretty intense. But I think we have help now because lots of people hate that system, not just the trans folks. I mean, EVERYONE knows it sucks, and most of them forgot what fun people do live on the planet all over the place.

Anyway, I am a guy. And I think now that we know what guys can do when not properly supervised, maybe we can go back to fighting for equality across the board instead of just drips and drabs. I mean, you DO know who the enemy is now don't you? They've been so obvious.

OMG!

I can throw a couple eggs in a freezer in case I want kids later with my DNA. Aaaah! What the hell, that would creep me out, like something out of a Ridley Scott film. Sarain eggs. Oh man, I dunno. And apparently they can grow penises in petri dishes now! At least they're not growing penises on the backs of mice or something. I don't think I could handle that. That would be too weird!

I'm stoned almost all the time while these drugs finish getting out of my system, as per the psych nurse instructions. It's pretty nice, it makes things very silly and not so scary. Boys are silly! Really.

Dinner conversation

My family is reacting weirdly, some better than most. My mom doesn't want to talk about it but she suddenly started cleaning, and cooking, and that was scary! My grandparents are over tonight and they talked non stop about the various things we were eating. They look really tired. My cousin sent me an email saying she had a dream I was a boy and she was all "OMG!" Because that's the statement of the century. OMG!

No, she's cool about it. I dunno, it's funny. I think it makes sense to people, even if they find it unusual or whatever. I mean, I've always been a boy to them really. In my weird way.

Learning to date is weird though, that is so weird! Probably because of the unspoken gender thing, I mean, I'm sure I did confuse a lot of people as to why someone so guy like would not have come out already. And obviously I knew something was up. But mostly I didn't want to be a guy without honestly understanding the problems inherent between men and women, and everyone else on the spectrum. I thought it would be a better idea to hold off until I could try and occupy every gender on the spectrum before deciding. And it was weird, because some of those genders would turn out to be just archetypes and not really correspond to an actual identity. I mean, the underlying tension of gender identity can be lost sometimes, because it is always this tense negotiation between your gender and the larger world.

Moon

I was like, eleven when i got my period. That was weird. I had to figure out how to survive my adolescence and I read the required girl books, including the classic "Are you there God? It's me, Margaret." Which is about getting your first period. And it's really dated now, I mean, her sanitary napkin was like some kind of paratrooper harness, so extreme! So I had to make a big fuss over my period.

I thought conceptually it was interesting, but aside from that it was just a pain in the ass. Suddenly I had to carry sanitary napkins and be discrete, and that is just beyond this boy's capability. I also was made to care for a bag of flour for a week in case I got accidentally knocked up. I mean, everyone did. But what the hell, it was a bag of flour! That doesn't teach responsibility, that just makes everyone feel dumb. How would you like to carry a bag of flour on the bus with you for a week. But it made me paranoid of having children, because now children weren't much more complex than bags of flour, except noisier. And who wants to raise some powdered grain? No one!

Anyway, that theory about if boys had periods their bedrooms would look like crime scenes? True. All true. Tragic to be so obvious.

I used to write all my protagonists in the male position, I mean, up until I was twelve and decided to write about girls for a while. And it was weird, because I always thought of my characters as men, but I had to switch them and see if there was any truth to that. And there was, which made me happy. But that's still not as complex as it really is.

When you are trans, sometimes it seems there are always two worlds going on, one that respects you and another that hates you. And finding your way through those two worlds is scary as shit! I could have come out ages ago, but I didn't want to see history repeat itself and I didn't want to live through the last Weimar Era. So I tried to hang on to it as best as I can and figure out how to be myself and live up to some code of ethics. But I lost them on the way. I think they're back now.

Stupid Boy Tricks

Being politically aware in high school still didn't stop me from achieving new and greater heights of male stupidity. I think my favorite by far was the time I spent jumping on a trampoline with Heather and Erin in the middle of a thunderstorm. Outside, of course. I don't think we clued in to the dangers until a huge bolt of lightning snaked down and cracked right as Heather was suspended in mid air. I remember we all asked "Are you okay? Did you get hit?" And she really didn't know, I mean, she could have been hit, her hair went all funny for a second. She's a 911 dispatcher now. She used to drive us around and around on the speedway in her second hand car. Anyway, after jumping up and down on a trampoline in the middle of a thunderstorm, we ran across the neighborhood to my crushes house, and I remember she gave me this weird look like "Why do you do stupid shit? What the hell?" But I was also in a wet t-shirt, so that "You nitwit" look didn't last long.

I was a clumsy boy though. So clumsy. My body didn't make any sense. I showed my cousins how I could bend my arms once and they were like "OMG! You're a freak!" I had to stop hitting myself in the chest for fun and that sucked. And then all my tomboy girl friends suddenly started trying to be girly and figuring out how that worked, and that was really funny because they usually ended up thinking the whole world sucked. I remember I had one friend who just had this run on commentary on how people sucked and I was just like, yes, that has some factual truths to it. And then my masculinity model was James Dean of course, so it got more bizarre because suddenly I was a rebel and a girl. And I remember part of trying to understand femmes lead me to rent every Marilyn Monroe movie. And I thought, this sucks, all she does is stand around smoking! Is that what girls do? Of course Marilyn in real life had her own deep issues.

And then my cousin had a porn stash that the family tried to burn, but there was a prohibition on burning in the city so they had to put it out. And when I raked the leaves, which was always my job, I started raking up all kinds of hardcore porn. I was like, what the hell? Why do I get the weird jobs all the time?

When my model airplane paint spilled under my bed and got me high in the middle of the night, yeah, that was probably another really good stupid boy trick. I don't know if you've ever had to clean up oil based paint while high, but it's not much fun. I only ever finished one model, the Titanic. And that seemed good enough for me. Such a pain in the ass. I tried to make Kit, the car from Night Rider, but someone vacuumed up part of the internal combustion engine and I was so picky that I never bothered to finish.

Pronouns Disclaimer

I know some people have adjusted their pronouns recently, so I apologize if I haven't kept up to date, but half my brain was shut down, so really, it's weird. And from where I'm standing right now the actual names for genders don't matter, but I know people like to pick where they are. So pardon me for any He/She/Ze slips.

Girls Girls Girls

I don't know when I decided I was going to learn to be the perfect boyfriend, but it was way before puberty hit. I decided to start asking girls about their feelings and their hopes and dreams and all kinds of things because I honestly didn't know what it meant to be a girl. I was so curious. And then puberty hit and instead of just being friendly, girls started falling for me. And that was so weird, because suddenly I wasn't just another girl anymore. And I didn't know how to relate to boys so I was stuck with all these girls asking about their feelings and running away from googly eyes.

The googly eyes freaked me out when I first saw them, they looked crazy! What the hell, why are you looking at me like that? Are you going to beat me up? And as time went on I started realizing I was a lady killer. And that sucked even worse because now all kinds of girls were getting super pissed at me and calling me a tease and feeling played, and I didn't even know where they were coming from. No one taught me the dangers of becoming a lady killer. And I felt like all anyone wanted was sex, because they never said anything romantic before getting all crazy, that was shocking. And I wanted a relationship, and suddenly there were all these girls demanding sex that neither of us understood completely. Because I didn't have a dick. And that was fucking bizarre, for anyone chasing me. Because I was trying really hard not to be a guy, and that was a mind fuck because then these girls had to deal with liking a female bodied person. So weird!

And it just continued on, almost all my best friends have had some unrequited thing go on with me, and I don't know what to do about that. But it's like, as soon as people get to know me they seem to fall in love. So I go really mean to get them to go away, because that kind of feeling baffles me. And I feel horrible for not wanting to go any further than whatever.

I hate being a lady killer, but being an asshole is worse. I don't know. Maybe there needs to be way more perfect boyfriends in the world, ones who actually ask about someone's feelings. Really, that's how you get ladies, you ask them questions and listen. It almost never fails! Everyone likes to be able to talk about themselves, because so few people are allowed to.

Mary!

A friend of mine started her awakening in like, an extreme amount of time. She called me one day and said "My vulva looks like the Virgin Mary. Nobody else's does." And I was like, "Actually, they all look like that." "No, this is weird, nobody has a vulva like mine! Now I have to disclose something else up front." And I was like "I've been looking at vulvas for ages, honestly, the are all built on the same principle, with variations. Yes, it looks like the Virgin Mary. Haven't you ever wondered why I like the Virgin of Guadalupe so much?" "I could do like, a puppet show with it!" "Yeah, that would be funny." It's true, and male genitals are pretty similar to the principle that female genitals are based on, although you might not know that.

Plastic Puppet Motive

When i came out and went to my first youth group meeting, some schism had just happened and the two people left were a butchy dyke and a gay man. And GLHS was deader than a doornail that night, so they took me out for coffee.

And Mike, the gay guy, was so much fun. He keep calling the butch dyke Mary. In fact, EVERYBODY was Mary. The waiter was Mary. His parents were Mary. I was Mary.

He was running a small club in the Rumley Building with his partner. It was called PPM and it was a rave club in the old school of PLUR philosophy. If you don't know old school raves, PLUR was a code of conduct and it stood for Peace love Unity Respect. And it was a fun club, because everyone could go there. I think straight people had issues with that because it was a fully inclusive space and two boys or two girls could be making out anywhere. Two girls weren't an issue, but two hot gay men macking on each other instead of beating this shit out of each other, that was incomprehensible.

It was like an ode to the binary code. One wall was painted to look like a wall of fire and the other one like a wall of water. They had half of it as a chill out space, and played trip videos and stuff like Barbarella. And Mike, AKA DJ Deko-ze, knew how to spin. He took people on a journey, he brought you up, he took you down, he made you hate, he made you love, he made every cynic feel SOMETHING.

They did weird s/m-y performance art every few hours and the bathrooms were covered in porn, naked boys in the girls room and naked girls in the boys room, but eventually it didn't matter. Opposite the bathrooms was a wall painted with sperm in day glo pain, and one sperm was HIV +, it really kept you aware.

The bouncer, or one of them, was an imperious bisexual named Candie who didn't take any shit from anyone. We used to flirt a lot. Actually, a bunch of girls there started wanting to leave their boyfriends for me, and I had no idea why. I was the hot topic on the local BBS and men kept coming up to me being like "Fine, you can have my girlfriend, she only ever talks about you anyway." And I would be so confused. "I don't know what to do with your girlfriend!" Because I didn't, I was still trying to understand women, and I couldn't. Or didn't realize it wasn't any different from me. And I was also learning about masculinity through the gay men I was hanging out with, because they were getting crushed out on me and being cuddly and that was totally new for me. I couldn't be cuddly with girls, I didn't know how. I knew how to punch them and run away and that was it. No, but you understand that male idiocy of relating to girls. I never wanted to see my friends when they were drunk though, only on drugs. And only certain drugs.

Everyone at that club knew I was underage, so I still obeyed the law as well as I could, because it was an honour to be allowed in, not every underage person got that treatment, they so turned people away who weren't ready for it. I drank there one New Years, but aside from that no substances at all. I was totally aware. And I picked up a contact high which was good enough for me. I remember I used to fret about the age thing and my friends would tell me "They know you're a little Thirza."

And they did. They even knew when raids were going to happen so they could start telling all the people under age to leave. And they would, someone would come up to me and say "Cops are coming, get out." So we'd leave until it was safe again. And that's such an old school gay bar thing.

PPM ended up shutting down because they couldn't figure out how to make money on the concept. I mean, people didn't buy liquor. That wasn't the particular mind altering substance they wanted. So it shut down, became a boxing club. And I think rave culture is still trying to get back to PLUR, but it's hard because it means diversity and that threatens people.

I was talking with a female friend of mine about nuns once and I was like "Why are they always Sister Mary something? Why can't they just be like Sister betty?"

And she said "Surely a Buddhist Jew doesn't need to tell you about the Mother of our Lord!"

And she didn't, because Mike already talked all about Mary.

Hair

I came out to my friend Laurel and her mum Lorraine, who have known me since I was two. They were kind of shocked, and resistant, but we actually had a good conversation about it, especially after I assured them I wasn't going to become a bad man. And I hope I don't. I don't think I will. Anyway, Laurel was asking me all the questions about what female to male transition looks like. She wanted to know about the surgeries but they squeam me out so we didn't talk about that, and besides, I still don't know about surgery. So we talked about what testosterone does. They were really worried about side effects, which was interesting because no one questioned the side effects of my anticonvulsants. So I told them honestly what I knew about testosterone and how it works on your body, and that some of the suspension liquid it is in gives people allergies. In it's most basic it's steroids really. I told them it would be like I was going through menopause, and that freaked them out because of course everyone knows how intense menopause is. But I feel like I already did menopause.

Oh yeah, so we started talking about body hair, and Laurel asked me if I was very hairy now and of course I'm not, I'm really bare. And so I told her that and she said maybe I'd be like every other Indian man and have like, three chest hairs.

And it's true, Native masculinity is SO different from other masculinities. I mean, they have girl skin. And very little hair. And they often have a sort of androgynous side. I think it makes transitioning hard because you never reach the gruff rough furry end of masculinity that we assume is the epitome. And I think even bio Native men have a hard time with their masculinity, because it DOES look so different. So probably the feminine parts of me I like will hang around.

Lorraine and Laurel were cool in the end. I think they felt better when I said they could still tease me, but eventually I was going to be totally indistinguishable from any other guy.

Laurel is having some intense dreams, woah, I can't believe how terrified of men women are. I mean, I can believe it, which is the sad thing.