Looking for work in all the right places?

I've been doing well these days. I have a lot of energy, not manic energy, just a lot more since getting off Seroquel and drastically reducing my pot intake. I have an interview tomorrow with Sasktel to be an Operator, I'm pretty excited about this, especially since it pays 20 bucks an hour!!! I think I would be an awesome Operator, but I have to really think and spiff myself up so I Look good in the interview. I had to do a typing test and get 40wpm, and it freaked me out a bit when I was sweating and typing as fast as my fingers could fly. But I passed and moved on to the interview part of applying, so that's good.
There is also another job I am applying for, but I don't want to jinx it so I'm not going to talk about it much.
I"M SO TIRED! Oh man, I stayed up too late last night because I was reading my diary from when I got out of the hospital the last time, and it was kind of nice reading all that stuff, my thoughts. I lost my diary recently, I had a beautiful bluey green diary and it just up and walked out on me. I don't know where it is for the life of me. It MUST be in my apartment somewhere, I know I didn't take it out the door. There were some goals in there I wanted to achieve and now I can't remember what they are.
I'm sleepy! Wah!
I really do hope I get one of these jobs I am applying for, I need to get something that pays better than what I am making now. And I need to know I can move away from call centres into something else, something more substantial. Call centres have generally been there for me when no one else would hire me because I was too damn butch looking, but they don't pay very well and it's getting difficult to realize I do all this work for only ten bucks an hour. Even with a bachelor's degree. And I can't do film work, like, on set, because the hours and the stress of working on set for other people gets to me. I could be an editor quite happily, but getting yelled at everyday, nope nope nope. Nevermind that I get yelled at on the phones by people, that's different though, they just yell because they're annoyed, but on film sets people yell because they think that's how a set should be run. UGH!
I talked to my ex Velveeta last night, who is now an elvis impersonator (but not a drag king she says) named Velvis. You can see her here. She always makes me laugh, and she makes a great elvis!
Anyway, I have a big day tomorrow so I should hit the sack. I'm showering in the mornings now, but my hair still ends up looking unruly, I'm growing it out and it's all kinds of bizarre right now. I just want to put a bag over my head until I can finally show off my new bright red locks.
Hey, my friend Shavonne has a new blog you should check out! And I mention this because she first posted the following video on her blog Tussy Talk and the song is now embedded in my head.
I Seen Beyonce at Burger King!

Some updates on this and that.

I didn't win 48 million, but I did get a nice artist fee that paid off most of my debt to my mom. And there's still the Millionaire Life draw!
I had a burger at the Broadway Cafe with Mum for dinner tonight, it was SO good! And I was SO hungry! I slept all afternoon because I was still tired from last night, Ryan Wonsiak had a goodbye party at Walkers and tons of people were there. It was a lot of fun, until the end when my drunk cousin Sharlene splashed a beer in her sister Deanna's face and it got on me. Deanna splashed back, which I think surprised Sharlene but I was kind of rooting for her to get back at her at that point. Do two wrongs make a right? No, but at least Sharlene had to suffer the indignity of being covered with beer too.
I'm drinking a beer and then I'm going to bed, I am still tired and the Seroquel withdrawals have eased up. I can now go to sleep much easier. I DID get pot to help me sleep, but I don't think I need it anymore. I'm sleeping good, and waking up nice and early. This afternoon I slept a lot, because I was up really late last night and still had to get home this morning to feed the animals.
I love my animals. Right now the dog is sacked out on his favorite chair and the cat is awol in the house, probably on my bed right now. The dog and I were wrestling earlier, he's fun to wrestle with. He does his play bow bunches of times and it's cute.
If you're reading this on Facebook, it is because I am importing my blog into my notes. No I don't usually write a lot of notes like this, this is just me blogging as per usual.
Well, it's almost 11 o'clock, time for bed! I'm liking going to bed early these days, I used to be more of a night owl, but I find going to bed at a set hour better for my bipolar.
So I'm off the seroquel and still doing well, next I'm reducing my antidepressant to get my libido back. I'm really worried about that, because I've had a terrible time with depression. But I will still be on it, just half of what I'm taking now. I have to wait to see my shrink before I cut back though.

Sooo TIRED!

I am in the process of getting off my Seroquel because it makes me sleep in way too much. But it's been two nights without it and I'm having a hard time sleeping. It's pretty frustrating, especially when I know that if I just smoked some POT I could get to sleep better. But I shouldn't self medicate, but OOOOH just a joint before bed would put me out. It's so bothering me.
It's Friday the 13th. I don't know why THIS day is supposed to be unlucky, hopefully nothing bad happens to me today. I'm home sick because of various reasons, mostly to do with feeling sick. BLEH!
I was going to apply to a call centre, but they are looking for speakers of native languages and I don't know much Cree besides Tansi Atim, which means Hello Dog! I don't think that would be the best way to address a person on the phone.
I do have an interview with RBC next wednesday, I'm pretty excited about that, I am applying to become a teller. Client Service Representative is the actual term. I hope no one tries to rob the bank.
Oh man, I'm SO freakin' tired. I just want to roll over and go back to bed. I might have a nap, but I should stay up and try to get my sleep back on track. I haven't had sleep problems the whole time with Seroquel, but I have been OVER tired, which is a problem. I'm wondering how long it will take for me to get back to normal.
Ughy, I have to get something to eat. I think I will go to mum's.

I was in the grocery store with mum the other day and we were looking at the nutritional information on the back of two packs of soup. She asked me how much sodium my favorite ichibans had. 1290mg. That's a LOT! I'm trying to eat healthier ever since learning from my dietitian that I have high cholesterol. And I don't want to have a heart attack soon. I feel like there's still a lot I want to do.

It was funny seeing all the rubber food the dietitian had. Rubber carrots, rubber fish, rubber potatoes and rice.

It depresses me to think of having a heart attack. I have to do something about this.

I read somewhere online that one guy lowered his cholesterol levels just by quitting smoking. I AM smoking right now, but I still want to quit. And I think I will. I'm almost ready.

I've gotten used to drinking diet colas now. It's really nice actually, I thought I would miss regular cola a lot more than I do.

If I had a cheap non toxic option to smoking I would. But nearly everything gives you toxic bluckies when you smoke it. Smoking's not very natural, we should be eating it.

My cousin has moved into her new place, I'm happy for her, I'm glad she has a place to live in town.

Me chastising myself for better habits of an artist

I've had a ton of fun this weekend, saw more of my friends than I usually see these days. It felt like having a life, besides cleaning, and editing, which seems to be the two things I'm always doing. when I'm not on the net. The difficult thing about editing at home is that I can always veer to the internet when I'm supposed to be editing. And I haven't been doing any writing besides my blogging. I feel like I blog to keep up my writing skills, even if it's all drivel. Just to know I'm at least writing SOMETHING every so often.

But I haven't been working on my short screenplay or my final report(s) or my next grant either. I've been a bum writer, writing for short lived internet jollies. And I haven't even written my more serious editorial pieces or anything. Just goofiness.

I'm still aspiring to live a healthier lifestyle. And when I say lifestyle I do not mean being queer. I hate when people call being queer a lifestyle, like it's up there with being a fitness buff or something. No one ever calls heterosexuality a lifestyle.

But I did fall off the no smoking wagon. I feel guilty and bad about it. Oh man, especially when I think who would want to kiss a smoker? I don't mind kissing smokers, but it just makes me one point more appealing if I quit. And I need that one more point of charm!

And I do have yoga to do now, which is actually a lot of fun. The whole point is relaxation, which is nice. I like it so far. I can do Corpse really well!

I have to go to bed now.

the Buzz

Last night I went to my first of three yoga classes. We learned some basic poses, like Child's Pose and Pyramid and Downward Dog and Tree, which always makes me fall over. Timber! I did pretty well on my poses, had a little trouble with three of them, which is to be expected for a newbie.
Tonight I am going to go see Milk at the Roxy with some buddies. I'm excited, I haven't been to the movies in a month or so. I think we're also going to watch some of my videos. That will be interesting. I don't know if I have a copy of Untouchable though, I do but in 3/4" format.
I haven't had pot in a week or so, two weeks actually, to be honest. I kinda wanna get stoned now that it's the weekend, but no dineros for pot. I talked with my psych nurse about pot, she told me I'd have even more stability if I abstained from it. But I don't really want to give it up for good yet. I do like it, I just want to use it more responsibly. No more binging. I have two weeks before I'm letting myself buy again, for Valentines Day. Or the Fifteenth. Or whenever the weekend is really.
I'm considering seeing an addictions worker about it. I'd like to hear what they have to say anyway. At least it's not heroin. But it still does a number on your lungs.
That all being said, if my movie buddies tonight passed me a joint I sure would appreciate the buzz!

Video I love it

My life has been going well since I've started making healthy changes. I am going to a Yoga class tonight where it's for total beginners, to get you ready to do drop in classes. It goes for three weeks, which is perfect. It's pretty tricky stuff, yoga, I never realized how much it would push me until I did the free queer yoga class through the Avenue Community Centre.

I'm making progress on my video. Right now it's still a jumbled mess, but a shape is starting to take form. Which is good. It's such an ambitious project, and the next video is similar in scope, although totally fictional. I haven't got a structure worked out yet. Normally I would be sitting down writing out a flow for the tapes I make, and I haven't actually DONE that yet. Maybe because my narration is still untaped.

The funniest thing happened to me at work, I called my ex at HER workplace. I felt funny about it, we were both professional and just dealt with each other like any other call, I didn't dare try to strike up a conversation in case she slammed the phone down, which was probably for the best. But I did feel kind of sad that we didn't talk to each other like ex lovers do. Or whatever.

I was going to go for a ski today, but I think I will go tomorrow instead. I will now go edit more of my video. VIDEO!!!! i love it!

More videoing

Is videoing even a word? I don't think we used it in film school. But I did do some shooting today of my mommy's interview. I hope that it will round out my video. I also have to shoot some footage of myself, but I want to know what I have to work with first.

I've been okay, I'm trying to better my life still. I only partied once this weekend, which was nice. Last night I just stayed home with the pets and goofed off. I have to clean again because my place is YET AGAIN a huge mess.

I'm excited for editing, I have tons of footage now and think I have just enough to make a good video. I may just use myself to do the voiceover, maybe a little bit of me talking.

I really want to get the whole damn thing done by March so that I can apply for a big grant again in April. I want to do a Mars recruitment video. But I really need a script to show the funders, there's a better chance of getting a grant if I do it. So I also have to work on that. Plus festivals are starting to ask about showing it, and I really do want to get it done for their deadlines.

I'm pretty impressed with the things Obama has done so far. Pretty exciting times for those americans. Even to be canadian is exciting, what with the coalition rumours.

I have most of tomorrow off except for 3 to 6 when I am working. It will be kind of nice, I hope to clean and edit. Clean and edit, clean and edit, clean and edit, that's my life. I wish there was a coffee shop I liked to sit in, so I could write down ideas. That's where I do my best writing, in a coffee shop. There are some in Sutherland, a short bus ride from where I live, and I'm sure once I get a weekend routine going BEYOND partying I could sit in there and write.

I guess at a certain point in everyone's life, they want more than cheap thrills and actually want to focus on career goals and other important life things. I'm smoking up WAY less and I have noticed a difference, I have more motivation for one thing, more energy, I don't just SIT around anymore. I actually got it together to videotape my mom today, which was good because I'd been avoiding it for a while.

It's funny that my career has nothing to do with how I ordinarily make a living, which is as a market research interviewer (since 2002!). But I have had BIG grants twice during that time, where I either worked on a video or wrote a screenplay.

It's funny, you know what really made me want to stop smoking so much pot was my creativity. It gets dulled from too much pot use and as a practicing artist I can't afford to keep flushing creativity down the loo. I think slowing down has been a positive influence in my life.

I've decided to do this First Step Yoga class with the City of Saskatoon, it's three beginner yoga classes that get you ready to do drop in yoga classes. I'll probably do my drop in yoga at the Y, but I'd like to know some of the basic positions before I step into that.

Things are going remarkably well in my life, as a result of all the changes I've been making. I still wish I kept a cleaner house though.

Shame

I think one of the most annoying things about my last manic episode was losing the password to not only my email, but also my blog which I had meticulously tended for four years. It was one of my longest running weblogs and I was pretty proud of it, UP until I went crazy. and normally I erased stupid manic shit when I was back down to the ground putting my life back together. But this time I COULDN'T! Oh man what a shame!
I have often felt subsequently embarrassed by thoughts I expressed during mania, because they often don't make much sense to anyone, including myself, and often focus on topics like religion which I actually don't think about very much when I'm sane. And ironically enough, often of Christian themed topics.
I blame my Grandma, who always roped me into Bible Camp every summer, even though I never read the bible.
I'm trying to look on the bright side. Like that certain people weren't named, or that I did stop before I went REALLY nuts, but it's still embarrassing. I'd like to think maybe some psychiatrist or C/S/X will come across it and use it to help write about thoughts people in hypomania have.
It's been a year now that I've been stable. No depressed episodes, and no manic episodes. It's kind of amazing. I've NEVER been stable for this long. I don't remember a time in my life where I felt so good, and not in a manic way. I just feel very normal. It could be remission. I'm not sure. I've never really been in remission. I always got depressed just when I thought I was okay. It's a little scary to think it took until I was a few months shy of turning thirty to find real stability with this bipolar I diagnosis I have. If I'd known when I was struggling with depression at the age of 11 that it would be almost 20 years of on again off again struggles with my mood disorder, I might have given up. That IS a long time. I haven't even had a rage in a long time either. When I was a kid I used to get frustrated at something small and go apeshit and trash my room. I've since learned that wrecking your own stuff because you're In A Mood is just bullshit.
One other thing I'm embarrassed about concerning my manic episodes is I tend to fixate on women I like. I freaked one out in my first episode by sending her a weird note, and then the next woman I sent BUNCHES of weird emails to and really did make her super weirded out by me. Fuck I felt like such a creep, and was so ashamed because she and I really did have a nice time together until my mania began.
But you know what, maybe that had to happen so I would take the damn thing seriously and stay on my meds.
I've also been taking iron everyday, and I think that resolved some of my issues with the depression. Not all of them, I sill have to take my celexa or I get really down and listless. It's like being the walking dead. Ugh.
Shame about the things I've done or said while crazy. Shame about being crazy. It's still there, even though I've been open about my bipolar disorder since it cropped up in my life during the montreal mania. I think it's mainly shame about losing control, being in an altered state for a significant period of time and being embarrassed about that. I've never been on a drug that's given me the same terrifying highs of mania. It's so enchanting to step into that world, but to have it make often lasting impacts on one's friendships and relationships and so on, it's shameful. I wish it wasn't.

scrapings

Day One of no pot. Well, I did scrape my pipe and smoked it. Didn't get high. So, day one of no pot. Well I cheated. I know I did. I almost bought a tenner of pot, which is pitiful and so small no one I know would actually sell it to me.

I have this friend who's always on an eternal quest to buy just a gram. Just ONE gram of pot! No one I know has sold to him. He's on his own!

I knew places in Vancouver where you could buy small amounts, but even then they wouldn't sell just ONE gram.

It's like selling some crumbs.

I shouldn't even talk about marijuana if I'm trying not to use, but it has been a constant friend, even longer than cigarettes. And besides, how do I know I want to quit?

Because it makes me jellybrained and sleepy.

The sleepy part is kind of nice, except for when you pig out on a bag of chips and then crash for four hours in the middle of the day. Ugh.

Lots of people I know can use pot sparingly, except for me. I don't know why I'm such a porker when it comes to the green, but I am. I sometimes only perk up about social occasions when I find out pot is involved somehow. IT MAKES ME FEEL PITIFUL AND ANGRY AT MYSELF`! Woah, sorry about the all caps. It does though, because I feel like I had all this potential when I was younger and what did I do with it? Became a stoned old blogger with no romance in my life smelling of smoke and looking for my next high. fuck!

I am also thinking I should switch to diet soda. I think all the calories in real soda are contributing to my weight gain. And I already have a hard time with weight since I've been taking pills.

Oh dear, bedtime. Off to work I go tomorrow~! No more pot for me! I can do it if I believe!

Without it

I've had a longstanding use of pot. Since I was 19 I have been using on and off. But now that all those years of use have passed I wonder if I could have done more with my life besides sitting around stoned for so long.

I'm not liking who it is making me either. I'm feeling desperate more often than not, and that's just no good. It's also costing me a lot of money, and it's not really worth it.

Plus I think it's killing my creativity. I can't do or think of good things while I'm sitting around looking like a burn out. I've been thinking abut this for a long time. I'd like to go back to a different way of life, one where I do things with myself like sit in a bubble bath with candles, instead of just inhaling burning plant materials to make myself feel better. It's a bummer for a lot of reasons.

It will totally change the dynamic with my friends, some of who are also chronic users. I do have clean friends though.

Maybe I should take a LONG break. Like a few months. Although if I like being clean, maybe I could stretch it out. I don't know if I can honestly say Never again, but I can always take it as it comes.

Who will I be without weed? I'm really curious. That's mostly why I want to do it, I want to find out who I will be without it.

A break? An epiphany?

One day I was walking with my mum in a spot where we used to roll joints when she ripped a plant out of the ground and said "Smell this and tell me what it is!" So I did and I said, "It's weed!" I dn't know how that little plant managed to grow that big without any of us noticing what it was. I used to live at another place that had real opium poppies growing in the backyard.

Accidentally growing drugs is funny. I don't grow drugs. I just grow little household plants, like this funky little tree I bought last year.

Anyway, I'm still recovering from New Years, I partied pretty hard and it's made me tired. I can't do that again for a while.

I'm waiting for some inspiration to hit. I'm really stuck again.

I've also realized I am ready to meet someone new. I think I am anyway.

I had a dream about a friend who had died. She was exactly the same as she was in real life! It was so vivid for a while I thought she had come back to life. Then I woke up. But I still felt happy.

these days I have been noticing I'm a bit down, but I think that's because I had lower back pain. I still kind of do. I don't know what it's from, so I think I should see my doctor about it.

I really need my creative juices to start flowing again. I've been watching the Simpsons and Corner Gas whenever I can, and then I'm just reading the news. Barely even writing, much less editing. I also need to shoot more.

I'm sad to report that my rhino video got pulled from Youtube. It still remains on my facebook. There are tons of other rhino sex videos on youtube, but male on male rhino fellatio gets deemed inappropriate. It was cute! Aw, oh well.

In other news, well, nothing. I found out I didn't get a grant, which sucks but is okay because I haven't worked on it enough. As an idea. I may apply for another screenwriting grant or research-creation grant. I have to get my video done first though, which is why I'm waiting for my creativity to come back.

Maybe it is the weed smoking. Maybe I should go on a really long break, until I get some work done on my project. That would be a good idea. And I should clean.

I think I'm gong to do a long break off of drugs and real quit tobacco. I haven't smoked tobacco all day, which is good. I'm still on the patch. I did smoke some pot, but after that I have n more left, and that's fine by me. Maybe I'll be more creative without weed in my life, more stable even. I'm going to experiment and find out. It will be my New Year's resolution to not let weeds fill the cracks in my life and learn who I am without it.

Hmm, so I guess we will see how it goes!

But I will still drink beer!

2008? 2009!

Happy New Year All! Soon we will be entering 2009, a brand new year close to a decade after y2k. I remember New Year's Eve on Y2K, I was so happy when the lights were still on.

2008 was a good year for me. I had my grant, I moved into Coop housing, and I went out more and more.

I went to Ness Creek for the first time and met some bears. I went down a waterslide. I went to Scotland and connected with my roots there for the first time.

I've come up with some good resolutions for next year. Mostly I want to take my work more seriously and papertrain Mister so he'll only poo in one place. and I want to quit smoking, seriously! I haven't had a smoke all day and it's a good thing. I'm back to the patches.

It would be really nice to fall in love this year. I'm so used to being single, it would be kind of nice for a change to have someone to love.

Trying to think of a Christmas Message

I just found some government cheques I hadn't cashed. And at a time when I need money too!

Christmas is nearly upon me and ever since we scaled back family present shopping to immediate family, my shopping list became teeny. Basically I bought the Beatles LOVE Cd for my sister and my mum is going to a movie with me. I can spill the beans on my prezzies because Sky can't read the internet, or anything really beyond the word PIZZA, and Mum already knew what she was getting.

The Christmas Brunch this year was nice and small as usual and we got crunk. MUCHO boozing. Today was my last day of work before Christmas and I got a present and had some nibbly things. It was nice to get a present from work.

I must have had an off day though because it was hell trying to make quota, not usually a hard thing for me.

I signed my subsidy agreement for 2009 at the coop office today, so next month's rent is pretty wonderfully small and affordable. I never imagined I would have such affordable housing, and in the middle of a housing crisis!

I was trying to think of an inspiring Christmas message to impart, but all I could think of was, well, nothing actually. I've been fretting about money this Christmas, I had to part with 25 borrowed dollars to pay for my meds today. That's still cheap compared to what others pay for psych meds. The only reason I do pay any money is because I get my meds bubble packaged. I take about five different meds twice a day and it's hard to keep track all by myself.

So maybe my Christmas message is to fellow money fretting folk. Making presents is just as good, if not better, than buying them. And maybe you can't get everyone what they want for Christmas, but you could arrange some holiday cheer activities like going toboganning or inviting people over for a potluck party.

There's my message.

Anyway. back to me. LOL. I'm currently waiting on some weed and friends, which to me is the best thing possible. I'm easy to please that way.

Goody Two Shoes

I have no time to blog tonight because tomorrow I'm going for breakfast with mum before we pay my bill. I pay my bill and she drives me. ANYWAY, I finally heard about the shoe throwing and I have to say it cracks me up. I watched it on Youtube and I could not believe the amount of times they showed those two shoes sail through the air towards George W. Bush's face. And they MISSED!

Ah well, now more people want shoes thrown at various other people, mostly politicians. I never wanted to see Bush murdered or anything, but a shoe, that's pretty good. Two shoes!

So in lieu of a proper entry, watch in two different angles at variable speeds, the shoes that were thrown at Bush.

Kissing better

I'm home from work today because I feel crappy. Oh well. So much for my spotless attendance. It really is too bad because it means 60 bucks less on my cheque. So I think I'll go into work on Sunday.

I've been shooting this week for Grandpa's 90th birthday, we're doing greetings. Everyone's is different. It's pretty cool, got to videotape family all week. Some of them were hilarious, and at the end Grandpa gets a dvd of his whole family wishing him well. I just need to shoot Auntie Beth still and I'm done. Oh yes, and I have to edit it together, but that won't take long. Think I'll start this afternoon while I'm home. The whole family is getting together on Friday for wine and cheese and cake presumably, with Grandpa and Grandma. I love my grandparents, they keep trying to get me to go to the gay and lesbian church services in town so I can meet somebody. I just might too.

I've been realizing that I want children in my life somehow. Not to raise necessarily, just to hang out with. Kids are fun. But I think I may have to wait until my cousins have kids of their own that I can hang out with. It will happen.

It's been a nice long time since I have gone crazy. I'm glad. Going crazy is a big fucking health concern, because it takes so long to recover from and it does have a very long lead up period. So I'd estimate it takes about a year to go through the whole thing, the lead up, the actual crazy time, and the recovery period where you just sleep and sleep to build back up your seratonin. Even with the amazing meds we have today, craziness still wreaks havoc on one's life.

I really like my job, which is a good thing. I actually feel bad that I'm not there today to interview people. I like interviewing people, it's interesting to find out everybody's opinions on things. Even little things. And the office environment is good, very chill yet professional. It's a good place to work.

Not like another call centre I worked at where the supervisors bitched out the callers once a day about this or that en masse. You really need a supportive office atmosphere to do calling, otherwise it just feels like no one appreciates you, and for sure a lot of the people we call don't appreciate getting calls.

I'm stuck in my big video project I'm working on, Homelands. I have a title finally but I'm stuck on the narrative flow. It's one of those situations where I know I have to shoot a little bit more to get it to work.

I'm still not smoking, and this time I think I might just be able to stick to it. I haven't been bumming smokes and the patch is working. I don't know if I'm rotating the place I stick it to enough though, I've just been jumping from shoulder to shoulder each day. No ill effects so far! And I smell better, and I can taste better, and I can KISS better, and I also have a better smelling apartment. Plus no more wasted money, especially now when money is so tight for me. I'm currently broke and in debt to my mom, who I will be paying back for a loan with my artist fees. I've got a bus pass now though, and some groceries, and rent is paid until January. Also my phone/net/tv bill got paid. I just have to pay my electricity with my next pay cheque and I should be all caught up.

The life of an artist, money or poverty. I wish I had some extra dough right now, especially with christmas coming, but I'm only buying for my mom and my sister this year, which should be easy. Sky's happy with a dvd and mum needs something thoughtful. None of us really needs anything in particular this year, I bought all my major needs during my grant period. Like my red microwave. I use it ALL the time. This is the first time I've had a microwave, and I honestly don't know how I lived without it. It cooks things so fast!

I do need a kitchen table and chairs. I want to have my Christmas Brunch at my house this year but I'm not sure how to do it without a table and chairs. I guess some people could sit on the floor. But I'd feel like a bad host.

Christmas Brunch is the only annual party I do up really. It's just an excuse to eat lots of food and drink and smoke up. It's a totally lush event. The point is to get as drunk as possible midday and therefore sleep it off for the rest of the day. Last year Carrie Gates, Shavonne Somvong, and Ryan Wonsiak came over and it was great fun. I don't know yet who will come this year. Probably Deanna.

I can't NOT do it this year, but I have very little money which means it's going to have to be a potluck brunch again.

Anyway, enough about that. I have been having dreams about girls lately which makes me think I am lonely. I need to get it on with someone, but I don't really have a specific target these days, besides one girl who seems cute and funny. Is cute and funny enough to build a relationship on? Do I even want a relationship? It seems like a relationship would fit into my life, now that things have calmed down for me and I have a job and am committed to taking my medication, instead of just being committed. And now that I've quit smoking I would taste better if someone kissed me.

One of my exes who's tried and failed to quit smoking once told me one of her other lovers said to her "Your pussy tastes just like a cigarette!" "Which I thought was kind of harsh" she said. No doubt.

My pussy no longer tastes like cigarettes.

Long absence

I've had no access to the internet for the past couple of weeks or so. No phone either, and no television! But today I finally managed to pay my bill and I'm hooked up again! It's a relief, because I just finished rereading Slaughterhouse Five and wasn't in the mood to find another book to fill my time. I've quit smoking again, it's not going SO well, keep slipping. But it's getting better everyday!

I'm poor again, it is true, but I've started my new job and I quite like it. Market Research Interviewer again. It's a good gig really, pay is okay and the only problem is figuring out a schedule where I can get a few more hours a week. I may have to pick up a Sunday shift, which is okay generally except on Easter when people get pissy on the phones.

But Easter is a long time away, Jesus has to be born still on Christmas before we get to him dying a horrible death and then coming back to life.

I never understood why he came back to life and then buggered off. I mean, he ressurects, and then his whole physical body goes to heaven? It confuses me. Are there toilets in heaven?

Mum is getting a dog today, hopefully. She's already bought a crate and little dishes and a teeny harness. It's a smoothcoated mini dachshund, and she's naming it Hermione. I hope Hermione and Arthur, the thuggy golden, get along well. Arthur hates little dogs except for my little guy Mister, so he should take to the new pup well. It's exciting, new pets are always exciting. And mum likes dogs. She just wanted to go look at the pups at Petland one day because they had some doxies and fell in love with one of them. The last time we went her sister was gone, but the one mum wanted was still there. So HOPEFULLY by the time we get there this afternoon she'll be there.

I'm so happy to have internet and television back. Hurrah for la interneta!

Golden Avenue

I'm waiting for my phone to recharge when I would rather be talking to my mother. I'm down to one old green lighter, most of mine are totally dead. I have to invest in a new lighter. Even when I stop smoking, I will always need one around!

Schrodinger is crying in my room. I don't know what he's crying about.

Mister chased a garter snake and I got worried it would bite him and anyway, I got made fun of by Mum. And now she is spreading the tale! We went for a picnic out at Blackstrap. We were all surprised to see a snake still out. Mum chased it yelling look, a snake, look! And it was slitherng as fast as it could go, which was at a pretty good clip. Fast little snakey.

Anyway, now I look like a wuss.

Halloween weekend was quiet for me. No major partying or anything. In fact we stayed in on the actual night. Which was the first time I'd done that in ages.

I had one trick or treater. I suspect the stairs were too forboding. Well, there were three of them anyway, and now fifty pieces of chocolate have all been consumed. I could not believe how much chocolate I ate, and my cousin too. It was wild. We even listened to The Monster Mash, Purple People Eater, and the soundtrack to Rocky Horror Picture Show.

And then we watched the Rocky Horror Picture Show, but without props. dammit! We were going to go down to the Broadway, but it was on too early and we had no props.
We also dressed up as Zombies. I had a big slash on my face like a Z for ThirZa!

Yep, that was Halloween 2008. I've almost always gone out. We didn't get seen anywhere in our rad zombie makeup except the McDonalds drive thru. And I still haven't found Golden Avenue.

Working and NOT making babies

I've got some work this week and next week, which is REALLY good because I need the money quite desperately. I also have an interview tomorrow for cfcr, the local coop radio station. I'm pretty psyched. I really hope I get it because it sounds like an interesting job.

Anyway, I'm tired of being poor already. Mostly I just want something with set hours and a future, temping is a bit dodgy just because you don't know when the next job is coming. Plus I have to get up early for work tomorrow, ai! I hope I can do it. Also I need to get my paystubs in to the coop here so I can get on reduced rent.

I'm doing well aside from that, had a very quiet week after I got home from the festival. I mostly just adjusted to being back home, hung out with my cousin and did some goofy stuff. Now I have to clean my apartment. I guess because it is horribly messy. No way could I seduce a woman in this trash heap~!

My libido has ebbed away into a mere whisp of itself. I don't know if this is the medications, but I can be around perfectly cute single girls and not feel a smidgen of lust. It's terrible! I think I should talk to my doctor about it. I need viagra to get it up at all! LOL. I've never taken viagra. I hear you see blue dots on it.

Penis meds. Ha ha ha! I'm glad I don't have one of those, they look way too sensitive to tote around. Breasts are sometimes sensitive, but they get jostled around all the time. Dildos are fine though, that's all you really need unless you're Making Babies. A queer friend at the imagineNATIVE festival voiced an often felt weirdness about the idea of sex being reproductional, and I have to say it does make me laugh. Making babies.

At this point in my life I have decided not to have babies myself. I think I'm too selfish to care for a child. Is that a bad thing to say? Certainly in the future a foster kid wouldn't be out of the question, but I would have to be in a different place in my life to do it. For me, 30 is still too young to have a child. For ME. I don't know about the rest of the world.

I think I like the idea of a child much better. Someone to look after, someone to look after me when I'm old, but see then it starts going back to selfish reasons for a child. And just because you have a kid doesn't mean they're going to want to bathe you when you're old.

Back home to my animals

My hair is GREASY! I haven't been able to wash it yet today, having had to check out immediately upon waking. I've been on a plane or in an airport since roughly 12:45 Saskatoon time. Mum wanted to know all about the festival so we had a nice chat while she read the ENTIRE list of delegates and asked about who actually showed up. I had an excellent reception to both videos, and people REALLY loved the vampire one so I think it's going to get a lot of play for sure. I saw my sweet ex-girlfriend/best friend Margaret Flood and met her man, he seems very nice although I think it ended up being mostly girl talk. Poor dude. I also saw my good friend Mikiki and caught up, the eminem porno came up again and I think we're going to do it (long story that I won't get into right now, suffice it to say it's a genderfucked raunch tape that we've been talking about making together for a while).

I also got to talk to him about bloodplay and Daddy/boy/girl roleplaying, which was fun. I love it when dykes and fags find common sexual ground.

The parties were ridiculously fun and I met tons of people. I heard some great music and watched some great films and now I'm very beat but still buzzed on festival fun. I also met some people I'd only known through facebook previously, which was cool, and made some new friends. But I was definitely ready to come home today.

I have a few things I want to try and blog in the next few days, but I have to gather my thoughts about them first. In the meantime, enjoy this link to an awesome blog bashing Sarah Palin. I must admit, while she freaks me out, I haven't followed the campaign in any meaningful way, so this says it better than I ever could.

Sarah Palin is a Bitch . . . There, I said It