Med changes and a thought about weed and psychosis

It's 3:17 in the friggen morning and I am not asleep yet! I got home from Prince Albert just before 1, so I am kind of wired. Mum basically just went straight to bed. She was exhausted. We went for my screening in this two spirited festival up there. My video was the VERY LAST thing of the whole night! People who stayed really liked it, so it seemed. Someone even told me if he had millions of dollars he would give it to me so I could make my tv show.

On the ride home my mom and I threw around some ideas for my television series. I have a really good idea for the character of the narrator. I think it could be funny! Yay! We also went down the road of wondering why I have had such bad luck with Canada Council juries these last three years. I really don't know. It's pretty frustrating. I didn't even get a highly recommended this year, they must have HATED IT! I just want to win the lottery already and not have to depend on the whims of a funding agency. I've thought about crowdfunding, but I don't know if enough people care about my work to make any money. Plus I would need some pretty substantial dollars.

I got a call from my psychiatrist today, we've been playing phone tag for the last week. Since my prolactin is elevated, she thinks it is the risperidone and she wants to lower it another milligram. So now the morning dose is out, just a little epival and wellbutrin in the morning and epival, risperidone, and iron at night. Along with my ranitidine twice a day. So we shall see what happens. She asked if I was still not smoking pot and I said yes. She said it was very important that I not smoke any pot otherwise we'll have to raise my risperidone levels again. My mum laughed about that, she said "You can either smoke pot and be sexless and diabetic, or you can be clean and healthy!" Ha ha ha! It's true though. My moods have evened out a lot without weed, I was never a good judge about it making me psychotic or not. Although I remember just before I quit I noticed my thoughts would get really out of control while I was high! I was starting to hate it, and I was addicted so I kept needing it, but it was really fucking me up in the head. Whoever thinks pot is harmless is an idiot. It really messes with your brain. ESPECIALLY if you already have a mood disorder. It wasn't always like that. But it got worse and worse as years went on. Sometimes I wonder if I would have been Bipolar 1 without having smoked marijuana. It's a big difference from Bipolar 2. Bipolar 1 is when you go into psychosis, and THAT is a very dangerous space to be in. Not to mention it seems to take forever to recover from.

Mum asked me in the car home what I was going to do my next video about. She said "What are you thinking about these days?" I thought about it, and I guess my sobriety has taken up a lot of my brain space lately. It's not just about something I USED to do, it's also about what my life has become since and what I am doing differently now. My psych nurse told me she wanted me to work through my emotions more now. She brought up a good point which was that before I would avoid them by smoking a joint. My risperidone is apparently one of the reasons I can't really cry, so lowering it might bring back that ability. Which would be nice, actually. My psychic told me the first time I saw her that I have to cry more. It's really hard!

I used to be able to cry so easy. I feel like I have hardened up since then. Like I don't WANT to cry because it signals weakness or some nonsense. I know it's really healthy to cry, it just feels like I can't get there! When I first quit weed I started feeling all these old emotions, even stuff about my late cousin who died in 2006! BUT I didn't cry.

I'm tired. I should go to bed. Anyway, yeah, I need to make all these med changes before I go to Toronto. I need to be stable for a good six months before I leave. I am stable now, but we don't totally know what reducing my antipsychotic will do. I'll know we have to up it or go on a different one if I start hearing music in white noise even when I have taken my meds. That's a pretty clear indicator. It's one of my early warning signs and I've been able to note it and still have insight into my condition. Sometimes when you go crazy you stop believing you are crazy or that you have ever been crazy. Everything seems real, even when it's intensely impossible weird shit. So, watching out!

Balance

Today was an okay day. We drove out to Muskoday for a funeral. Uncle Doug and my Mom had a bunch of interesting conversations in the truck. The funeral was super Christian because the cousin who died was born again. It reminded me of how different my mom's funeral will have to be because she is an atheist. That being said, I want my mom around for a long long time. I'm so close with her.

After the funeral we drove back to town and went straight to a steak night being held to help cover costs of my mom's student's son's funeral that was held this summer. We bought door prize tickets and fifty fifty tickets, but we didn't win anything. And that was okay really because all the money helps that family out.

I've been thinking a lot about the future. I am really excited about the screenwriting MFA program at York. I don't know what I will do if I don't get accepted. I'd be really sad I think. And I don't know if I would still move or not. Although I have a strong feeling I will be moving to Toronto.

Little Mister and I went for a walk yesterday, that was really nice. I am gonna take him on another walk tomorrow. I need to get him out of the house more so that Hermione isn't so sad when he is away from her. They are really going to miss each other when I move away with him. They are best buddies with each other. I think I am going to have to find some little dog friends for Mister in Toronto to have play dates. He's really shy and snotty of new dogs though, which is why they have to hang out with each other for a while before he will start to play.

I think I would make a good scriptwriter. I could have a lot of fun with it. And sometimes I could direct. It fits the best with me anyway.

I ran into an old friend from my queer youth days, Tara. She was setting up the karaoke system at the bar where the steak night was being held. I gave her my card, hopefully we will go for coffee. It would be super nice if she could introduce me to eligible bachelorette lesbians! I'm trying to circulate more. The astrologer I always read says we should circulate if we are looking for partners, so I am trying! I can't believe it's been over five years without a girlfriend. So sucky! I had a couple summer flings with one woman, but now she doesn't want to talk to me. And it never counted as a relationship anyway. Even though I wanted one with her. She kinda broke my heart. I feel like I am getting over her, although I still miss our friendship, the platonic parts of it. Good friends are hard to find.

My alcoholic roommate isn't moving out, and isn't getting much better either. He's supposed to get into a day program by the end of the month or he is getting kicked out, but I don't know if there will actually be any follow through, on either his or my mom's part. He seems to be using the fact that he has a son to stay here, which kinda pisses me off. We're not running a charity. And he isn't at all serious about being sober, he still drinks at least once a week. He says he is serious about quitting but I think he only says that so he can stay here. Really I still want him out. Realistically I think the only way I will be able to not live with him is when I move to Toronto next fall. Unless I won the lottery tonight, in which case I will move next month and buy a house there and say a big fuck you to him! And take my dog and cat and live happily ever after. He's causing a lot of stress in this house and I don't know why my mom is so wishy washy about the whole damn thing. She used to have a spine, it just disappeared when that damn baby showed up.

Damn babies!

He got drunk last night on a mickey and a bottle of coke. This wouldn't have bothered me so much except he kept trying to get me to drink his stupid coke and I think it was spiked and he was just trying to get me to fall off the wagon. Such an asshole! I like my sobriety, it's been really nice to have and I like that I am not wasting money on booze and drugs anymore. He also keeps trying to get me to go out drinking with him, which also pisses me off because a) I don't drink anymore, and b) he is an annoying asshole to drink with because he goes on and on about his emotions and his past history of violence with women and one time while he was drunk he even confessed to killing something. Not a human. But it was still disturbing. I don't trust him.

Anyway, UGH!

And also part of me is starting to move towards spirituality. I am not sure how it's going to manifest yet. I don't see it as a particularly Christian spirituality. Maybe something where Buddhism, Pantheism, and Aboriginal Spirituality all intersect. But either way, I feel like I want to find a spiritual practice. I don't want to pray, because I don't believe in prayer. I believe in taking personal action to achieve one's aims. That being said I am going to be burning a green candle soon for prosperity. Which is pretty witchy and close to a prayer. But anyway, I don't know what my spirituality is becoming. It's almost meditative to knit, I like that. Real meditation and me don't work very well, I haven't found a way that speaks to me yet. I'm too interested in reading or writing or otherwise being productive. I guess creative output could be a type of spirituality. And maybe reading about Buddhist principles could help too. I have some really good books I could reread to remind myself why I like that religion. Also I am not sure if I want to be solitary in my spirituality or if I need community. A lot of religions are based on community, but I like being alone a lot. Then again, I do want to meet eligible bachelorettes, so maybe going to the Buddhist temple is a good idea after all. Or there is a meditation class at Positive Passions. Hmmm.

I could also get back into Yoga. I got a mat. I could buy some of the other things too, the blocks and stuff. There is a yoga show that comes on television every morning, I just haven't gotten up that early. Getting up early might be a good idea. I'm such a night owl though. I really like writing early early early in the morning, before drifting off into a sweet sleep. Like now.

Anyway, this year has really been about finding balance. I'm not there yet. But I am working on it!

Sleep hornies

Tonight I watched television and knitted. I got a whole bunch more done. I think I can finish my scarf in a couple weeks or less if I really work on it. It's really nice to knit again, so meditative! I get in this zone and listen to what's on tv. Actually, maybe I should start listening to podcasts and knitting. I have a bunch of Coast To Coast AM I can listen to while I knit. That would be fun.

I wrote down that list of 100 things in 20 minutes. It actually took me about 26 minutes. A few were places I want to travel. A few were things I wanted to buy. A lot were about making feature films and television shows. And winning awards from them. One was wanting to have a retrospective in a major gallery. And a few were about wanting to fall in love and get married. I didn't have kids on there, I mean, I didn't say I wanted kids. I guess it's not a very high priority with me. I feel like if I was in a serious long term relationship with someone who wanted kids I could adjust, but if I had my druthers I think I would prefer to remain childless. My dog and cat are good enough for me! They are both curled up beside me snoozing. Little sweeties.

I am supposed to find a serious relationship next month or the month after, but I am not sure with who. I often worry there is nobody in town for me. And I am leaving anyway. And there aren't many people on OK Cupid that I am interested in. Everyone seems to drink or be stupid in various ways. Or be poly, and I am so over that. And there are hardly any femme lesbians in my town on OK Cupid, maybe none! At least, none that show up in my matches. And there are a bunch with no pictures and so of course I cross those people off. Whatever. I don't know why I want a girlfriend anymore. I feel like I have lost perspective on the whole thing. Being single for this long has really atrophied my desire.

Actually, I have noticed I get horny most often in my sleep. I often wake up wanting to masturbate but still being too tired to really get off. It's kind of funny. I have horny dreams, but they are all about masturbating. I had a dream I was masturbating with a hammer. Not like, hammering myself! Just rocking on it. And then it magically turning into a cell phone! So weird! Anyway, my psychiatrist sent me off for blood tests to find out if my psych meds were raising my prolactin levels too high, which would account for the loss in libido, and the results came back saying YES they are too high. I see my psychiatrist in a couple weeks and then I guess we will come up with some sort of solution to resolve this issue. It really does frustrate me because I miss being horny on a more regular basis. It adds a certain delightful dimension to life that is currently lacking.

It's hard to want something that you don't care about. I want to care about desire again, I just DON'T! UGH! So annoying.

I think I knitted for three and a half hours today. I'm really impressed with myself.

I'm going to a funeral tomorrow for, a cousin I guess? I didn't know her. But my mom and uncle are going so I am too. And then I am going to a steak night for a friend of my mom's whose son died this summer. I only realized just now that both of these events are tied to death.

Next week I have a screening in Prince Albert for Boi Oh Boi! I am going up with my Mom and Deanna. We are going to try and get our secure status cards while we are there. They have all these fancy features on them! Yay!

I'm tired. I guess that is what happens when you stay up late watching tv and knitting. We rented Snow White And The Huntsman. It was alright. The evil stepmom was so evil! I wasn't attracted to either of them though, none of them were my type! And as I said before I have next to no libido anyway.

Anyway, I'm off to bed. Maybe I will get horny in my sleep again!

Personal Development

I started knitting again today. I got a good inch done on my scarf, starting out slow and sweet. I am going to do an hour of knitting every day until this damn thing is DONE! Then I will finally have a scarf! Yay! It's almost halfway done. I worked a lot on it last winter, then I gave up for a while. But I always kept it around! And Mom got me a knitting bag this summer at a garage sale! So I finally have something good to keep it in!

I am trying really hard to work on personal development. I made major strides in my life when I quit weed, and then drinking. For instance, I got my drivers license after I quit smoking up, and I started driving everywhere when I quit drinking. Because now I have no excuse not to drive. I'm not inebriated anymore. So driving is totally okay. It's pretty awesome. But now I feel like I have plateaued, and I need to continue this upward trajectory. I grew pumpkins this summer, that was fun. We have ten of them! They aren't massively big, but they are a decent enough size. Definitely big enough for pies and jack o'lanterns. They still need to turn orange, except for one that turned orange really early on. I read up on how to encourage them, one of the things they suggested was trimming the leaves around them so that they get more sun, so I did that today.

Anyway, gardening was a nice thing to do. Watching them progress. This evening I also finally harvested some wild sage that grew in our front garden. I bundled it up into a smudge and I'm drying it out. It smells really good! I feel like I need to do some spiritual things around the fact that there are clearly spirits attached to me, considering how often things move around on their own when I am in the room. I've seen plants move like something brushed by them, I've seen belts hanging up swing back and forth, I've seen my suitcase get disturbed like an animal is investigating it and tips it over, I've heard rustling where there shouldn't be anything. It doesn't scare me like it used to. I generally do not get negative vibes from the beings hanging around me. I feel like they just want to visit. I don't know who they are, but I do know a number of people who have passed on. Carla Marie Powers, Jasmine Turner, Christopher Cuthand, Matthew O'Scienny. I feel like all of those people have moved on and found peace, but I can imagine it's possible for them to come back to visit. I don't know why they would. Some of them I feel would want to come see me more than others though. I could see Jasmine coming back, we were pretty close.

Anyway, I feel like I need to burn sage for them. And so having another smudge finally feels good. Something anyway. I was thinking of getting some incense too. Spirits like smells.

I'm trying to figure out other ways I could grow. I feel different now that I am not putting substances in my body, except for caffeine and nicotine. But I don't want to give up caffeine yet. Anyway, I feel more like myself. Like the booze and drugs were making me someone else, and also drawing in bad spirits to me. Negative energies. And now there's a chance for positive energies to reach me. But there must be something else. Something I could really love. I love writing, I'm trying to do it more. I bought Final Draft software a while ago but I haven't used it too much. National Novel Writing Month is happening again soon. I might try again this year. There's a really good piece of software for writing novels specifically called Scribe or something like that, I might get it and try it this time.

I was reading on this personal development website about how being self employed is way better than having a JOB job. It really spoke to me and made me more determined to stay on my path I am on. I also like the idea of getting creative royalties, passive income it is called. It would be nice to just make money continuously.

I didn't make my sweet potato pie yet! Yikes! I read this other good advice for changing your life where you take 20 minutes and write out 100 things you want to do, no matter how crazy or unrealistic they may seem. And then at the end you put it away for a day and then look at it again and see how you can make some or all of those things happen. So I might do that tomorrow, I am too tired tonight.

It's been an interesting few years. It seems that the big changes really happened for me this year though, which is kind of funny because there were all these people thinking 2012 would be the end of the world. I really just think that it opened up space for me to fundamentally change who I am. But now that I have sobered up, I feel like there needs to be something else to fill that space in my life. I'm not sure what. Meditation? Exercise? It would have to be something I find fun! I have to look at that. Cooking is fun because you can eat what you make. Knitting is fun because you can wear what you make. Clearly I like being productive. That's a clue. It's another reason I like writing, because I can go back and reread things and sometimes use things to make videos, which is my other favorite thing to do. Maybe I really need to make a festival or something here. It's a little hard since I am moving away in a little under a year anyway.

I'm really liking having tea or coffee with my friends and visiting, it's super fun. Conversations with folks are always good, I like getting into my feelings and stuff. I was a bad conversationalist when I was a stoner. I didn't really care about anything. I was so unmotivated.

I still can't believe that one ex said I have no ambition. I've always had ambition. It doesn't mean I get funding, but the desire is there. I still have to ask the Canada Council why I didn't get my grant. If they say it's because my support material is too old I will flip out! My newer stuff isn't in the same vein as the work I want to do, it's experimental and doesn't have actors, just me. And another time they didn't give me the money because my support material wasn't like what I want to do. I think juries hate me.

Sometimes I write Like I am Picking My Nose

It's getting colder here. I'm waiting for a frost to kill my pumpkin plants so I can harvest them. Today I was going to make Chilean Empanadas but we didn't have enough flour for the dough. I went fishing with a couple of friends who moved to town, that was fun! We went down to the river. Didn't catch anything, but that was okay.

I had a dream recently that I was thinking about an ex and ended up crying because she dumped me when I went crazy. It was such a bummer dream! Stupid ex. Anyway, oh, and I also keep dreaming about masturbating, which is kind of funny. Because that's something I'm not doing much of these days.

I am feeling much more sure about my future, even though I won't know for sure I am in Grad school until April. I guess I just feel like I can take my life in a slightly different direction. It would be nice to write scripts and get them produced. I don't know what kind of living I would make though. I suppose I could be a sessional too. A little bit of everything.

I'm in a show in Prince Albert this month, that will be kind of fun. Maybe I will meet a cutie pie! I have decided that I am going to buy sealing wax and a custom dachshund seal for my future love letters I will write to my future girlfriend! Yay!

A few days later:

It's Saturday now. I drove my Cuz Deanna around for a few hours tonight, it was super fun! We drove all around town, not so much on the west side, we just went along Spadina almost out of town and also through Downtown. We went to Diefenbaker and Stonebridge and 8th Street and Sutherland and it was super fun. I wiped out on the patio under her apartment and scraped my knee and a little bit of my hand. It hurt! Owiya!

My Mum thinks I shouldn't take Mister with me when I move to Toronto, she thinks he needs to be with his pack. But I need him! He keeps me sane! She is worried he will be responsible for me losing my housing, with his barking and bathroom issues. I am going to have to work on him. I need to read up on dog psychology. We have almost no carpeting left in the house because he kept peeing. Damn! Anyway, I AM worried about the peeing thing. I am going to start crate training him. He needs to be in a place where he feels safe and doesn't need to be on guard watching the house. I don't want him to cry for me either. Poor little sod. If I could have it my way he would come with me everywhere. But he's not a real service dog, so he can't. He does really like Mom's dogs, but he also misses me a lot when I am gone. He loves me the best out of everyone.

I really have to start working on my scholarly paper about lesbian spectatorship and subtext in mainstream television. I've decided to focus on television, because that's really where a lot of the shippers turn to. I want to include a little bit about Marceline/Princess Bubblegum because there is some lesbian subtext in Adventure Time. I need to see more episodes! So far I have watched all the way to almost the middle of Season Three. We don't have Cartoon Network here so I can't see new ones. I've got to start watching my Star Trek Voyagers again too I guess, I taped all the ones that have subtext in them. They are in a box somewhere! I also wanted to talk about slashy fan fic and the creation of alternate narratives as an extension of lesbian spectatorship. I had better start sourcing some academic writings to back up my points. There's tons written about it, I just have to find it.

So, dog training, academic writing, blah de blah. I am busy with all of that. I am also trying to go through this blog to pull out essays for a book. It's been kind of funny, because my writing style is so weird and sometimes I make good points and sometimes I write like I am picking my nose. At least that is how it feels to me.

I am going for coffee with my old gym buddy tomorrow, and in the afternoon I am going to try and make Sweet Potato Pie, if I can. I really want to. I love Sweet Potato Pie. I think I will name my daughter Sweet Potato. Either that or I will start calling Little Mister "Sweet Potato Man!"

Destiny!

After a long period of thought and consideration, I have decided to apply to York after all, but not for Film Production, I am going to apply for Screenwriting. It's supposedly the only MFA in screenwriting in Canada! I've been looking in to what to do about this one semester I got all F's! It was because I basically just ran away from school and didn't do any work because I was starting to go crazy, and then I dropped out and moved to Montreal, where I ended up in a psych ward. BLAH! Anyway, it's really impacted all the other times I have applied to Masters programs, and I think it's booted me out of being seriously considered for their programs. Luckily, York has a modified admissions process for people with mental health disabilities. I can write 500 words about my disability and how it impacted my grades, and include a letter from my psychiatrist. And so hopefully they will look at my grades outside of that one bad semester, because I did get good grades otherwise.

Anyway, as part of the screenwriting portfolio they want to see a feature screenplay, so I am going to include Bunnyhug! And for my thesis I can either write a feature or a television series. I'm thinking I am going to write a television series! I have the idea for it already! I've actually been thinking about this idea for a long time. It's gonna be a comedy.

The reason I think I would do better in the screenwriting program is because I really like writing and I think I would have more fun honing my ability to tell a story than just learning how to make a film. They also have some production classes you can take in the screenwriting program anyway. And some Cinema and Media Studies classes. I think it would be a better fit with me.

Anyway, that is what I have been thinking about. I bought some sweet potatoes today, gonna make a pie! I've never made a sweet potato pie before, but I discovered I really like them, so I want to learn! I'm totally getting domestic these days! I ate some of my homemade freezer jam tonight, which was nice. Totally sucks how runny it is tho!

I'm doing alright with my sobriety from pot and drinking. It's almost eight months for being weed free. And it will be four months or something without booze on the 18th. I should look into when I quit. Was it may? I have it on my facebook. I'm still struggling with quitting smoking, that seems to be the hardest one to quit. It's pretty addictive, more so than the other ones I think.

So anyway, for my masters application, which is due in January, I have to get a scholarly article written, a portfolio of my videos, and a writing portfolio. I also need transcripts, a letter from my doctor, a statement of interest, and that 500 words about my disability. I'm going to apply for some scholarships and bursaries too. I will hopefully get something.

I'm just worried about moving to Toronto. I'll need money to move, I'll have to get a new iPhone because this one is locked to Sasktel, I'll have to get my dog properly housetrained so he doesn't pee on rugs, and I'll have to find a decent place to live that isn't crazy expensive, but is also in a nice neighborhood. I'm worried I won't have enough money to live out there. I don't know how much Little Pine pays for living allowance these days, but I am sure it's not much, and my family can't afford to support me this time. I might have to get a part time job or something. We'll see what happens. A company I used to work for in Vancouver has another office in Toronto, I might be able to work there. It's call centre work, blah! But that might be okay if it gets me a little bit of money to get through school for two years. And in my second year I can be a TA and make a little bit of money doing that. I think they get paid anyway.

My psychic told me in my first reading I had with her that I would move to Toronto, so it does seem likely that I will end up there. Just with the cultural events there alone there is so much happening. That would be really nice to be around, again. I do miss big city living sometimes.

I'll miss my mom a lot though. We're really close. It's been nice living in the same city these last few years. And it's been nice seeing my sister so much and my grandparents, I will miss that too! But I feel like I have some kind of destiny I have to fulfill.

Polyamorous Peer Pressure can go suck a dick!

I'm doing better these days. I got out of my funk, which is really good. In fact I've been almost chipper. I bought strawberries from the Strawberry Ranch and made Freezer Jam. For a first attempt at jam it is pretty good, except for some reason the pectin didn't set right so it's really runny. I'm not sure how to fix that. It's too late now anyway.

I have been working both at my business and picking up needles. It's been nice making money.

I am getting over my last unrequited love, so that's good. I'm not quite so hurt by it and I am more open to meeting someone new. The only problem is, I don't know where to meet someone. I'm really worried I have no options for a girlfriend in this town. They would have to be a pretty spectacular person. So that worries me, because I don't want to settle for someone I don't think highly of. I'm fairly picky. And I'm aware I have to get even PICKIER because like my psychic and my mom both say, in the past I've been attracted to people with fairly large mean streaks. My psychic actually said I shouldn't date someone who's like a bad dog who's gonna suddenly rip my throat out one day! She said I look at people and see their potential, and I have to stop that and see them for who they are. She also said I have to align my softhearted inner self with my outer self which comes across very differently.

I have also been giving something a lot of thought for a few years now. I am ready to give up trying to be polyamorous. I can't do it properly. I can only focus on one partner at a time, and in the past that partner has always gotten pissed off that I don't have other partners too, because THEY do! In truth, I think the only reason I have been polyamorous in all my other relationships is because of peer pressure, and I don't think that's a good reason to be poly. So I have decided my next relationship must be monogamous. And I don't know what that means for me. I mean, what if it means no one will want to date me because I'm into monogamy? People act like you are really uncool if you want monogamy, and they start spouting off things about how it's all about ownership and blah blah blah. I'm tired of it. I just want to find a nice girlfriend who treats me good and doesn't want to sleep around with scads of other people and is willing to explore all kinds of sex with me. I'm interested in doing A LOT of things that I just haven't done with other lovers, and I think it would be better to do them with one person because then you can really discover things about them and what they like and all that.

In short, I think monogamy might be more in line with my softhearted inner value system and be less harmful to my heart. I never liked seeing my lovers with other lovers, so damned awkward! And I never liked the feeling of never being satisfied, always having to keep looking for lovers even when I had a perfectly good one already. I'd be quite content with one girlfriend. And it would be nice to have my girlfriend only focused on me as a lover, and no one else. I'm selfish, I want all the loving time to be with me. I mean, I'm quite independent, and I would hope my next girlfriend is too. I like alone time, and time to just be with my friends, but I'd like that loving energy to just be between me and one other person. It would be less complicated. Also, I think a lot of people are just crap at polyamory. It seems to rarely be done in respectful ways.

I think I was just polyamorous because after I would sleep with someone the first time, I would find out THEY were poly, and so then I had to be poly if I wanted to keep sleeping with them. It's really bad. THIS TIME I am going to ask upfront, no sleeping with someone then getting attached and then settling for a situation I'm really not comfortable with.

Sometimes I worry love isn't what people are looking for anymore, they are just looking for sex with as many people as possible. Tonight there was this funny conversation with the friends I was hanging out with about trying to have casual sex properly, and I realized casual sex just isn't enough for me. I don't want to be someone's booty call. And I was never good at casual sex anyway because I DO get attached after having sex, SO EASY! And I have often had sex WAY TOO SOON! Without even learning enough about what kind of person I was having sex with, what they wanted, what their values were, etc etc. And then I would end up forming relationships with women who really weren't able to give me what I want or deserve. AND what's worse is I wouldn't dare demand more!

So that's all very interesting. I have to break this cycle!

In other news, well, not much really. I'm trying to circulate more. I really don't know where I'm going to meet an appropriate girlfriend. I tried with OK Cupid but everyone's like, a polyamorous bisexual. Also, I am trying to stick with lesbians for a while. I'm kind of wore out from dating bisexuals. Almost all my girlfriends have identified as bisexual while I was dating them (a couple ended up being lesbians later) and I'm just tired of competing with penises. Penises make babies and I can't knock up my girlfriend. And truthfully, it does seem a lot of bisexual women are more interested in men or take their relationships with men more seriously. Is it heteronormativity? I don't know, I just know I am going to get in a lot of shit for saying that about bisexual women. Even just in my family, the bisexual women have outright said they would prefer to settle down with men than women, which I find really sad.

My Mum thinks the problem is I want to date Femmes, but I think it's more the poly bi thing that has been the issue. There ARE Femme lesbians, I know enough of them. Just I don't know many in Saskatoon, and none that are single. I could date a Butch though, some Butch on Butch action would be fun. One of my best girlfriends was Butch. Oh well, who knows what will happen? Only my psychic knows for sure!

I saw this cute girl on Facebook who was a friend of a friend so me and said friend creeped her facebook and I was trying to figure out how old she was. She didn't list her birth year though. BUT she did list her grad year from high school. 2005!!! JESUS CHRIST! I was graduating from university in 2005, and that was after dropping out for three years! So nope, too young! I like women my own age, I'm starting to become an old fuddy duddy and I need someone who would be happy hanging out at home with the animals and making pies and stuff.

Anyway, that's enough of this! If you know anyone in Saskatoon who meets all the above criteria, please send them my way!

The Show Must Go On! Life when Depression rears it's ugly head

I'm getting depressed and I don't know why. Maybe because I talked with my depressed cousin all night. Maybe because my friend doesn't want to talk to me for now and it upsets me. Maybe because my mom left for Charlottetown today and won't be back until Sunday. Maybe because I have work in the morning. Maybe because I am having a breakthrough depression. I'm not sure.

All I know is things feel very bleak right now. I don't know what is going to happen to me. I'm aware this is a constant feeling this time of year, because this is the third year in a row I have been waiting for Canada Council letters to come in the mail and the last two years I was counting on getting my grants and instead ended up broke and not sure where my next pay cheque was coming from. So bleak! Although I do have some work coming in this year, and I am not counting on my grant this time for money, because even if I do get it I won't get my money until January or February since that is when my project starts. So I have to find a way to survive even if I do get it.

I am also sad about needing to get over my unrequited love. It was nice to be in unrequited love even if nothing was going to happen, but right now I am aware that in order for my friendship to get back on track I have to concentrate on getting over her. And it's just easier to get over someone if you have ANOTHER crush, but I don't. So I don't have anyone to daydream about. No one to imagine holding me when I am falling asleep at night. Nothin! And it's hard to move on when the future is a big black void. I think that's why all my unrequited loves have lasted so long, because it was just easier than trying really hard to find someone else to be crushed out about. So I am bummed out about that.

I am lonely these days because I realize so many of my friends were drinking buddies, and now that I don't drink they aren't as interested in hanging around with me. It's depressing. I haven't gone to the gay bar since I quit drinking. I went out with my little cousin last night and she was drinking a bottle of wine and flitting about and it made me realize that being around people who are intent on getting drunk is really boring. Drunk people are boring! Stoned people are pretty boring too, come to think of it. My partying days are so over. And it's left a void, and as much as I am glad I am not using or drinking anymore, I also haven't filled that void with anything meaningful. I could do what I've been talking about for years and concentrate on my career. I know I could get far. It would probably also solve this ongoing money issue in my life. I have a lot I have to work on. I'm the worst procrastinator ever. I need to get my new videos to my distributor, for instance. That would help a lot.

Anyway, I need to do things with my life, I thought grad school was a good idea, but I don't know if I can afford to live in Toronto. And York is really out of the way. Aw fuck! I don't know what to do. I'm not entirely sure of my motivation to go to Grad School either. It would let me teach, which is awesome, except that I don't think I really want to teach and there is such a glut of sessionals anyway. Really I just want to make movies. If I could do what I REALLY want to do, I would just make movies and curate the odd single channel program, and that's about it. I would change my business of editing films into a film production company and produce my own work. I'd become a creative powerhouse and always be writing and shooting and editing and going for creative thinking walks in the early evenings. That's what I would really do. And it would make me happy. And I could see the world by going to a bunch of premieres and festivals and stuff. I'd be content with my life.

My psychic seems to think it is possible. That makes me feel a lot better. I know I have a lot of skills I have to master if I want to make feature films for a living. And probably moving from Saskatoon is a good idea, since the film tax credit got killed by our right wing provincial government. I just hate the idea of moving away from my Mom again. I really like my Mom. She's so supportive and makes me feel better. She's away. I miss her and she only left at four.

I am still depressed, I thought I might feel better after writing my thoughts but I don't. I miss my friend. And I miss my mom. And I miss having a solid five year plan. I don't have a five year plan these days. My psychic said I would get into my next relationship in September or October, but it would have to be with someone I haven't met yet because I can't think of anyone I know that I am interested in. And I don't know WHERE I will meet this mysterious woman. Madonna was right, life is a mystery.

I want to get out of this slump. I don't know what to do about it. Mum's depressed too, maybe it's rubbing off on me.

There are still unknown factors which could come into play. One, which is very distant and unlikely to happen, is that we win the lottery. The other is that I get my grant and have work for basically a year. Which in turn could possibly mean that I can get a major distribution deal with my film and get a bunch of money. And if not, well maybe I will sell a bunch of DVD's. And who knows, if I make a really good film maybe someone will offer me more money to make another. It's all unknown!

Well, they know at the Canada Council.

I wonder if I will hear tomorrow.

I am glad my concurrent disorders group is this Friday, I need to do some talkin'! I think I should also make an appointment with my addictions counselor. There's an NA meeting on Saturday night. Maybe I could go. I need to talk to a professional though. It would be nice to talk to my psych nurse. We have an appointment coming up. Yay!

She would know if my change in risperidone was making me depressed or if it was situational. I wish I had a manual. What to do now that you are noticing you are getting depressed! I can tell it's getting serious because I'm starting to lose interest in doing things I have to do. I want to hibernate until it's over. But the show must go on!

Sober and Kinda Poor, but I have dreams!

Life is a little less stressed in my house because I got paid so I paid my rent and gave Mum an extra 200 bucks so she could pay the water and electricity bill, which is gonna get cut off on the 20th if it isn't paid. It's started! I am starting to be responsible for making money around here! I need to make a bunch more because I still have to pay my phone bill and buy a new phone. And then pay September rent. I might have some more work coming in, and some other work maybe, I have to get in touch with some people who were interested in having me help them make videos.

I've been reconsidering grad school. It really depends. I am still going to apply, but part of me feels responsible for keeping mom afloat, she has a mortgage and all kinds of things she has to keep up with. I really don't know what to do. I'd feel guilty if I just buggered off to be a poor student for two years. If she got her two year grant, I would feel less guilty. Then I would know she was guaranteed to have an income for a while. It's just she's so poor! It makes me worry a lot.

I bought lottery tickets today, my typical routine so I can dream about an end to our poverty problems. It would be really nice to get that 50 million! I know we most likely won't win. I'll have to get rich on my charm and talent!

I still haven't heard about my Canada Council grant. I heard last year on August 10th, and it's well past that now. Well, it was the 10th on Friday anyway. So really, any day I could hear. I know no one else has heard because I haven't seen anyone post about getting or not getting their grants. I'm not super counting on it, because I wouldn't have the money until January/February anyway so I still need to make a living in the meantime. But it would be really nice to be able to start planning a big shoot for next summer.

I haven't found anyone else I want to go on a date with from OK Cupid. That's alright. I should concentrate on other things anyway. Some people get so desperate when they don't have a partner that they end up in bad relationships just to avoid being alone. That's not me. I'm willing to hold out for someone good. It would just be nice to have a new crush I guess, since my last unrequited love thing turned out so badly. Then at least I could tell my friend "I have a crush!" when she finally gets in touch with me to find out if we can be friendly friends again. I miss her. Dammit.

I'm renting my cousin's cell phone for the rest of the month while she is on a cruise. I'm excited to have a phone again for a while. I really miss my iPhone! Oy! Soon it will be a month that I have been without a phone! Jeepers! And that's my business line! :( Sucks to be me!

I have to pay some money for an ad I placed. I didn't get any calls from it, but at least I placed an ad. I should find another place to place an ad. I should place an ad in Kijiji. Running my own business is stressful.

I'm needing to listen to my psychic reading again. I'm happy because tomorrow I will get to see my cousin Sharlene before she goes off on her two week cruise! Yay!

Today I bought my first ever Diva Cup. I hope it works well! I just had my period, so it will be a while before I get to try it. My mom thinks I should practice putting it in. But I don't want to be all dry trying to stick it up there! And I feel goofy lubin' it up!

Mum's depressed about money. We need a miracle. I have to keep getting work I guess. We can't count on the damned lottery! Although I admit, it is kinda fun buying tickets for the big jackpots. I like having a fantasy rich person life in my head. The house I would buy, my car, paying debts, giving to charity, making a movie, solving problems, being amazing and traveling all kinds of places seeing and doing all kinds of things! The social/interpersonal problems that would crop up freak me out though, like all my friends wanting money and stuff, getting taken advantage of, blah blah blah! That'd suck. Being a target of unscrupulous people. Yucky! But being able to arrange and pay for better care for my grandparents, that would be sweet. Being able to send my cousin to three month treatment, that would be nice. And being able to support queer film festivals would rock too! I think being sober would help a lot, I wouldn't burn through my money doing drugs and drinking, that's for sure! I didn't spend a lot of money in Europe when I was there, because I wasn't drinking!

Money makes the world go around

Sobriety is still ticking along pretty well, and I have decided tomorrow I am going to quit cigarettes again. I've been sick and when I was smoking outside the blood flow in my brain was being gooshy and weird throbby. Like I was gonna have a stroke! Not very pleasant. So it's time to quit!

There's a severe thunderstorm here right now! Exciting!

I love thunderstorms.

A secret about construction equipment: One key works for all of them. ALL OF THEM!

:O

Anyway, I got sick Thursday evening with achey bones, and by Friday morning I was sniffling and shivering and sweaty and sometimes feverish. It was pretty godawful. This morning I was doing better, then I got sickly again, and now I am feeling pretty decent.

I keep getting horny in my sleep and wanting to masturbate, but I'm too sleepy to get to my vibrator and jerk off. So I just go back to sleep. I hadn't actually masturbated until today since I was in Hamburg, kinda crazy!

************A few days later*************

I am trying to keep up with my life and blog and it's not working well. Anyways, where was I?

Well, I have recovered more or less from my illness. It was a pretty bad one. I'm glad my immune system is generally pretty awesome, because I feel so miserable when I am sick.

I am feeling slightly better about my friend deciding not to talk to me for a while. I can respect her decision. I am still sad about our friendship getting fucked up. And I hope someday it goes back to normal. But I understand why she thought I was too much. It's a depressing reaction to my emotions though. Kind of a kick in the heart.

I'm busy working digitizing videos. I keep falling asleep in the afternoons though. I had a dream this afternoon that I was stuck in Superstore looking for the cans of ice tea because I wanted two cans of ice tea and one can of cola and one can of something else. But every time I thought I found the ice tea it would turn out to be a tube of espresso. Also there was something about me stealing a bunch of beads from this container left in a display case that was made by my cousin Deanna.

I want to go camping. It has been a while since I have gone.

I went on this really weird date yesterday! It lasted only an HOUR! An HOUR! And we walked around the Fringe and she looked at jewellery and barely talked to me, so we really didn't get to know each other. Super awkward! I don't think there will be a second date. It would be more awkwardness. I don't know what she had against me, I suspect she suspected that I was living with my mom, which would be true but is a stupid reason to not like me. It's okay, I wasn't too into her. But anyway, living with my mom has become this weird thing, like I need to find someone who isn't judgey of it! My Mum's poor, I'm poor, it makes economical sense for us to live together right now.

I'm a little worried about how we are going to survive through the fall. We're really poor and Mum didn't get her artist residency, so she's just teaching one class this fall and that's ALL her income! :O It's scary scary! I'm worried. I really hope my business keeps getting work. I have work right now, which is awesome, I hope it pans out.

I don't know who my next girlfriend will be. I have NO CLUE! I guess that's not important right now, what's important is making money. I need to pay my rent still, and my phone bill, and buy a new phone. URG! I'm so broke. I just need to work really hard. PLUS I will be making money picking up needles until October, so that's good. That's like, 300 bucks a month, which as my Mum says is better than a poke in the eye.

I was looking at jobs online. But it's kind of ridiculous for me to get a job right now when my business is starting to take off. And I do already have that one job. So yeah. Dakota Dunes is hiring slot attendants though. I'm tempted to apply again, I would have gotten the job last time except I didn't have enough references. It's supposed to make AMAZING tips! But I dunno, I think I'm gonna keep working at this business, my psychic seems really optimistic about my self employment thing. So yeah.

I should make a list of things I need to do. I do that about every couple of months.

Wednesday I see my psychiatrist, we are going to cut down my risperidone by one milligram. I hope it's okay! I don't want to go crazy again! But one milligram shouldn't make too big of a difference, and all my other meds will stay the same. I think my sex drive is still low. I guess that doesn't matter if I don't have a girlfriend anyway, but dammit I want to masturbate more! And it's like I don't care! :O So I will talk to her about that too. I don't know if it's age or my meds. But I'm only 34, I'm in my baby making age! I should be horny!

I just spent two hours looking for jobs my mom could do. I found a focus group for her that pays 175. That's not much. But it's something! It's just she is so specialized, she has an MFA! That's like, for teaching university students! And the University of Saskatchewan has such a racist art department that they won't hire First Nations people to teach anything but Aboriginal Art History. So that's that. Oh man! If only we could all move somewhere! But we can't leave Grandma and Grandpa. I mean, I guess I am leaving, but Mum can't leave. It sucks! This whole situation sucks.

If I can just get enough work I could keep us alive! It's my only hope! :(

How Depressing, Love SUCKS!

Well, I am back in Canada, so I will probably blog a lot more again. My flight back was good, the only scary part was the flight into Saskatoon when we hit mega turbulence. My screening in Hamburg went really well! People liked it. My time in Berlin was good too, I lost my iPhone though, which totally bummed me out! I lost it the Saturday before I left. I suspect on the UBahn.

I did see the friend I had wanted to confess my feelings too, but it all went to shit! :( I was really awkward and told her I loved her, and then she said I love you too but she meant as a friend. And then I told her I wanted to kiss her still and she said we are just friends, sorry. And then I felt really awkward but I was letting it go. And then I thought it was okay, but when I got back home to Canada I got a message from her on facebook that she felt weird and that I was too much and she thought we should get some distance from each other and I felt really shitty for having feelings. And then she put me on her restricted list on facebook so I can't see much of her profile anymore. I was trying to put her on restricted too, but I couldn't figure it out and then I felt stupid and like, why would I do that anyway? So I am bummed out. And I do feel shitty for having feelings, which isn't very nice. Oddly enough it is helping me get over her because I don't want to love someone who makes me feel badly for having feelings. So I feel pretty crappy. I hadn't wanted to fuck up our friendship and now I have and I don't know what to do about it. I can't do anything about it because she wants us to not talk until she gets in touch with me at some point in the future. When she stops feeling weird.

So I feel like my feelings are icky. UGH! What a shitty feeling. I hope I never made my friends who were in unrequited love with me feel this badly about it. I've fallen in unrequited love before, so it's not a new thing, but this messing up a friendship is totally new, I've never managed to do that before!

I AM glad though that I can move on now and find someone else. My cousin Deanna told me not to feel bad for being true to myself and that I don't have to apologize for telling someone how I feel. She is wise that Deanna! Anyway, I wouldn't ordinarily write about it on here, but I figure since I did write about WANTING to confess my feelings, I should let my readers know what happened in the end. So that's what happened. True story!

I've been in a foul mood ever since. Not Kicking Puppies foul, but just being crabby and ornery. I'm trying not to take it out on the people around me. But I can't help feeling gross, like I grossed her out! So that is sad. And she was a really good friend too. So it's distressing.

My psychic says I am supposed to get into my next serious relationship in September or October. I am looking forward to that. I have no idea who it will be. My future date in Regina ended up dating a dude again, so that's not gonna happen. Maybe I will meet someone entirely new. It's coming up pretty quick. She says it should have already happened though. Who is it??? So curious! I hope they live in Saskatoon and aren't prejudiced against intergenerational households!

And now for something boring: I went to the dentist today! I got my teeth cleaned and it HURT SO MUCH and she went under the gums to get out calculus or whatever the hell it is called. I don't think it's called calculus is it? That's a type of arithmetic. And this thing she used gave off a high pitched squealing noise and freaked me out! It went right down my neck and made me squirm! So I have to go back on the 2nd for more cleaning, and a filling! Sigh!

I've been having the best sleeps since I got home, I fall asleep right away! Well, except for last night after I got the message from my friend and found out I was restricted. I kind of lay awake for a while fretting and feeling bad. But I saw tiny lights in the room sort of flying around. Spirits I guess. One was small and green, and swooped up from the pillow into the air. They seemed friendly. I hadn't seen or heard any spirits in Germany, so I guess they like to hang around on Canadian soil. There are a lot of them here. I felt like they were checking in on me to make sure I was okay. Which was really nice. I do know a lot of dead people. Apparently they don't like being called dead people though.

It's cold out here. I am sitting in the sun porch. My hair is greezy! I should wash it. I have no clue what the future will bring anymore. Maybe I should listen to my psychic reading again. I hope my friend and I make up. I don't know how long she's going to avoid me. :/ I hope this doesn't end up making me avoid telling people I love them when I do. It seems to be a harsh penalty to pay.

Dreams

I have been having the craziest dreams. I'm not sure why. I think it might be because I have stopped using everything. Last night I dreamt my sister Sky and I were dressed like cakes with yellow icing because "Yellow is the colour of sisters!" The night before that I dreamt I was desperately searching amongst my friends for a girlfriend, and I couldn't find anyone because they were all with other people, meanwhile I was in this lavish building during a party of some kind and I knew I was going to have a good life, and there was this magical lighthouse you could see through the window that was giant and spewed bursts of fire and black birds were flying out of the fire without being burned. And the night before that I dreamt I was going to Emily Carr again but to get there I had to climb a tall grassy cliff, and I managed to do it! Then I was driving my mom home and all these police and people in hazardous materials outfits were milling around our house and I asked mum what they were doing there and she said it was because someone asked her what she was living on and she said she was running a meth lab! And then the LAST part of that dream I was friends with Nicole Kidman and we kept acting out scenes with each other (no, not BDSM scenes, just film scenes) and then one day I got really mad at her for some reason and choked her and then she wouldn't trust me ever again and THEN I gave her baby dog cookies and she got really pissed off.

I don't know why I am having such intense dreams. I guess my subconscious is processing a lot of things. It's a nice trade off, to quit mind altering substances and still have the chance to experience mind altering dreams! I really like the visuals I am getting too. Sometimes my dreams are a bit disturbing, but then I am just glad to wake up and say "Whew! It was only a dream!"

Sometimes dreams mean something, but I think sometimes it's just weird shit! No meaning at all, just bizarre stories. The dreams that frustrate me the most are the ones for which there is no language to describe them, at least not in English. I'll want to articulate them but I can't, and because I can't describe them, I forget them! Those ones always seem the most magical too, which is a shame that they are indescribable.

I think I can tell when a dream has meaning. Sometimes it takes me a while to find out the meaning. For a while I was having dreams about pulling broken glass out of my mouth, not eating glass, just suddenly FINDING it there! And it was a recurring dream so I knew it has something profound behind it. Then I found out my late Grandfather used to chew glass when he was in the military to seem really tough! It was just him saying hello to me. What was really remarkable about that was it was a piece of information I didn't have before the dreams started.

That dream about the black horse seemed pretty profound too.

The meth lab one seems pretty silly though. Which is why I say some of my dreams are just weird shit!

Using in Dreams and wrapping up my Residency

Well I will be running out of money soon, so I have to start working quick when I get home. I am hoping to stretch out my dollarz until the end of my Berlin holiday, I guess we will see what happens! I am almost done my video! :D So awesome! I'm pretty pleased about that. Mum doesn't have an income at the moment, which is worrying. So basically I am going to have to take over a lot of bills and stuff, if I can. I dunno! Yikes!

I'm feeling more capable in FCP X in terms of effects and making adjustments and so on, so that's good.

I'm thinking a lot about someone. But I'm hesitant to talk about it! Anyway, there's that. It could turn out really awesomely, or it could make me kind of sad, but I know I would get over it. It won't kill me to at least SAY something that I truly feel. It would be good for me, even if nothing comes of it. And to be honest when I HAVE told friends I feel these things for them, it usually brings us closer together even when a romantic relationship doesn't develop.

I'm going to be finding out about my BIG GRANT when I get home. I had a dream all these traditional aboriginal people didn't like You Are A Lesbian Vampire and were writing nasty things about it. And I was like "That's why I didn't get my grant!!!" I'm really worried about homophobia impacting my arts funding. Anyway, I should find out in the middle of August, which is usually when I find out. This is my third year in a row applying for funding. I am hoping my script is written well enough that they will see it as I intend it. It's ambitious but I am sure I can do it! And then: Fame and Fortune! :D Ha ha ha, it would be kind of amazing if a film about a mentally ill first nations lesbian became famous! Maybe it will find a niche market!

My cousin is moving back home today, he has been to treatment. FINALLY! So I am hoping he stays sober and doesn't become an asshole again. It's pretty exciting!

And less than two weeks until I come home. Monday the 23rd at 8 or something I arrive back in Saskatoon. And then I can get back to my life: going to the gym, working on people's video projects, playing with the dogs, getting together books about lesbian spectatorship, writing an academic paper on lesbian spectatorship in pop culture, looking for people to write reference letters for me for grad school, going to the beach with Shavonne and Friends, drinking alcohol free Becks, picking up needles twice a week.

OMG! I keep having using dreams! I had this one dream I was totally smoking up at my six month anniversary! And then I told my mom, "Don't worry, I'm only gonna get high for two days" but I knew it was really going to be for a long time! YIPES! My willpower is completely non-existent in my dreams. I even had a dream I choked my friend Nicole Kidman! :O

BUT WAIT! I think I did get my grant in my dream! Oooh la la!

Nicole Kidman is not my friend in Real Life. Real Life kinda sucks!

No it doesn't! I am in Germany and having space to make a video! And starting Sunday I will have time off to be having my holiday in Berlin! :D Summer Holidays! :D Grooving out with friends! :D Fun fun fun!

I am still trying to find a place to stay in Berlin. It's a little scary! If I can't find a place, I do have a private room in a hostel booked (can't do dorm rooms anymore!), but it will cost me nearly 400 dollars Canadian and I really can't just spend that much money on housing. That's practically my rent for a month! So I am checking with SO MANY people. Hoping someone can come up with housing for me. If I had another thousand dollars I wouldn't care about having to shell out that much money, but my funds are limited. So, eeeeeeeeee! Cross fingers! :o

My artist in residency is wrapping up. I am starting to be more happy with my video, but I still have some questions around it. I think the voice over is decent enough. Mom was trying to put doubts into my head about it today, which is jerky, but she does that a lot around my career.

Okay!

I did a whole bunch of editing today, I am feeling really good about it! This iPhone blogger kinda sucks, so I'm going to unit now. I mean quit!

Editing Begins

I started cutting together my video last week, but yesterday I finally recorded my monologue and so I have really begun in earnest to edit. I went through the monologue and chopped out all the papers rustling and bad takes and weird mouth noises. I have a nine minute fifteen second eighteen frame video now. And now the real fun begins because I can start marrying imagery to the voice over. And also cut back and forth between me reading and the images. I need more images though, I think. We'll see. I feel like I don't have enough! And I really need to reshoot some bits, the crotch shots would look better as close ups, for one thing, because the full body shots do not work with the HDV format. The size of the screen is kind of awkward, I am used to working with a more squareish sized screen.

I've been looking more at the footage I do have, and it looks like I have enough, although I still want to do the crotch shots. I just think they could be nice.

It's been over two weeks that I have been in Hamburg. It's been pretty relaxed, not hectic at all. I like having the space to do my art. I spent about a week and a half writing and shooting, and now I am shooting and editing. I've been going to Bildwechsel Hamburg to see videos, it's been pretty good, I've watched some really old depictions of butches, which was nice to see. One of my friends was even in one of the videos, which was cool. I also watched this documentary from England about these older lesbians, like lesbians in their fifties to their eighties. That was pretty cool too.

I haven't been drinking or smoking or smoking up or doing any drugs! I've been totally clean and sober! It's been really good, I don't really miss drinking. Although I admit it looks kind of cool when I see people sitting on patios having a brewski. But whatever, I can stay on the wagon.

I've missed out on all the NA meetings. I was going to go this Saturday, but I thought it started at 7 and it turns out it starts at 6. So early! I am gonna try next weekend, that will be my last chance to go to one in Hamburg because the next weekend is my video screening and then the day after that I go to Berlin! Tomorrow will be three weeks exactly until I go back to Canada! I'll be happy to go home I think, I miss Canada. I don't miss the government or evil Stephen Harper, but I miss my friends and family and the wide sunny skies of Saskatoon!

I am going to have to watch some Youtube tutorials of how to get neato effects in FCP X. I feel like some split screen stuff would be really nice. I wish I had photoshop, that was the best for making graphics for videos. Oh well. Maybe I can download something similar.

I went to Bremen on Friday. I didn't stay very long. It is made to encourage bicycling, so the roadways are all convoluted and unhelpful. In a way it's made to waste gas actually. Anyway, I have never been in a city that prioritizes bicycles, so it was kinda cool. I took the train back, it was pretty decent. I got back in an hour and a half. I was nervous because I didn't get a seat number or car number, but it turned out those were irrelevant. It's always a bit wild figuring out transport in different countries. Especially when most of the ticket is in another language.

My Mom and I have Skyped almost every day! She holds Little Mister up and I take screen shots of his fuzziness. Sometimes he looks at the screen and tilts his head all quizzically and it's so adorable!

Well, that's about all I can talk about today. This residency has been so nice and relaxed! I've been basically lounging about thinking and stuff. And now it's getting really exciting because I am starting to see the fruits of my labor. So I am happy about that!

An Update from Germany!

Well I am here in Hamburg, tomorrow will be one week that I have been here! It's been very laid back. I went to Bildwechsel Hamburg yesterday and watched a bunch of old lesbian videos with butch representations in them. That was pretty awesome, I am going again next week (they are only open one day a week!). I wrote some of my monologue and thought of a few different shots I can shoot in my room. So I would say my video is going well. Today I am going to do some shooting! :D

I missed the NA meeting, because it took me like, three days to recover from jetlag. I was so wiped out! I'm glad that's over with. I want to go to the NA meeting this Saturday, but my friend Rae Spoon is playing a concert and I kinda want to go, and that starts at 8, which is right after the NA meeting. I might just find an online meeting that would fit my schedule better. I mostly just want to listen to others. So that might be what I do.

The house I am doing my residency in is awesome, I have a nice big room and good roommates and Karin, one of the women who lives here and is also involved in Bildwechsel, has been really friendly and nice. I have 24 days left before I head off to Berlin! This is going by really fast! Yikes! Probably a good thing though, because I am gonna start missing home really badly! I get all lonely for Canada when I'm about to go back.

When I get to Berlin I am meeting up with my old gym buddy Carrie, who will be finishing a two week tour of France, Poland, and Germany! She leaves the day after I get there, so I have to think of somewhere awesome to take her!

I don't know what else to tell you? My mom said I should post some of my statuses on my blog, since I've been doing a lot of microblogging. Maybe. I will think about it. I should go make my coffee and get back to work on this video! Talk to yall laters!

Sleepless in Saskatoon!

I don't know how I am going to sleep tonight! It's already 12:37 and I am still up. I guess taking my meds would be a start! I'm all packed, I'm just charging my phone and my laptop and tomorrow morning I have to have a shower and brush my teeth, but then stuff goes in it's respective places. I'm not sure where to put my camera when I am on the plane. My Mom said to put my carry on in the overhead bins, which makes sense, but it will have my laptop in it and I kinda want to have that. Maybe I should be content with a book! I guess I could always go in later and grab it! Sigh! So much to think about! I'm dubious that the carry on will really fit under the seat. I guess it doesn't matter if I put it up. Hmm. I am using my camera bag as a purse, which I have done before and gotten away with. I still have room in my carry on though, I could probably fit it all in there and then have it under my seat. I'm being such a pain in the ass!

I've gotten a text from one of the people I am staying with in Hamburg, so that's good. I will meet her Friday. I might be getting a ride from the airport if they have time, which would be cool. I hope so! That would be the best. But if not that's ok too. I think it's raining right now! It sounds so loud!

Last night a poltergeisty thing happened to me, which hasn't happened in a long time. My suitcase started rustling as if a curious animal was bothering it, and then it fell over. I was all "Stop it!" thinking it was Beatrix Kitty, but then I realized Beatrix Kitty was on my bed, as was Little Mister, and Tiny Hermione was sleeping with Mum! Later on when the lights were out there was a little more rustling, this time from on top of my dresser, which kind of creeped me out and then I just went to sleep. Nothing poltergeisty has happened to me in a long time, so it was kind of surprising. I thought now that I wasn't drinking or doing drugs it would be gone! But no! Mum said it was because I was so excited about going away. Maybe? It could be my own energy.

I never noticed poltergeist stuff until I lived with a roommate who had that kind of thing happen to her all the time. Since then off and on stuff has happened around me. But I thought it had to do with me being drunk or high. I guess not!

Well, suppose I should roll over and go to sleep! I am nervous! D: I hope everything goes well on this trip. I'm going to use my Saskatoon cell number while I am in transit and then get a micro sim card over there and have a Hamburg number for the rest of my trip! And then switch again when I am coming back. I figure I can't rack up too too much terrible roaming charges in one day. Two days, if you count coming back. I have heard of people using their Canadian cells for a week in Germany and ending up with 1500 dollar bills on their return! Yikes! If I have to pay 300, that's not so bad. But hopefully it won't be that expensive! I guess I can't use Netflix over there, which kinda sucks, but whatevs, Mom will use it here. I will be too busy to watch movies on le internet!

Excited about my project, I am going to work on it while I am in the air! Gonna write and read and imagine the possibilities!

Crappy Day! But also I am looking forward to the future.

UGH! I have this super immature aggressive dramatic cousin who embodies all the stereotypes people have about people with bipolar disorder and I had unfriended and blocked him on facebook once before, and then I thought I would give him another chance, but he's got all the compassion of a rabid pitbull so I unfriended and blocked him yet again. Sigh! He's such a pain in the ass. Anyway, he was sending me abusive inbox messages, so I was like Fuck That! Ugh! What the fuck is with some people? I am always surprised when people treat me like shit, because I used to have low self esteem until I did a lot of work on myself and now I have pretty high self esteem and don't take shit from people. And so I am surprised that people think they can get away with it. He's fucked in the head, just fucked! And he's abusive to lots of people, including his boyfriend who he's beat up in the past. He's just a mean little motherfucker and I'm tired of being around that shit.

So I decide who is allowed around me. I don't put up with crap. And it felt good being able to block him. Whew! That's the only way he and I are in contact. He's actually only my cousin by marriage, his auntie is also my auntie, who married my uncle who I am related to by blood. So I'm glad I'm not directly related to him.

Blah blah blah! Anyway, the whole interaction kind of spoiled my day. I was so crabby after.

In less than two days I leave! A day and 12 hours or so! So exciting! :D Yeeeeeeee! Get away from Canada and all it's inherent problems for a few weeks. Make art and hang out with five roommates who are queer feminists in Hamburg! Show some work, visit some friends, have some fun! :D So stoked! I'm on track with all the things I have to do to get ready to leave! I filled out three different paperwork things. I am in the midst of doing all my laundry. I have been packing. I got my lavalier today, but the stupid thing is missing a tiny connector which changes the useless end into a mini plug which I can then plug into another connector which converts it to an XLR connector which is what my camera takes. So, what a drag! It's not even like the connector was supposed to be in the package and wasn't there, it's more like the connector is just another thing you have to buy separately! Luckily they sell that brand in Hamburg at something like three different stores, so there is a good chance I can get it! I'm also going to see if the store I got it from today has it. They might? I dunno, but hopefully I get a sales person who knows what they are talking about, because the one I talked to today didn't know what a lavalier was!

I've only got a little bit of time left with my pup! I am gonna miss him so much! Mom complains about him barking, but her dog Arthur is annoying in his own way, so I don't think she can talk! Arthur eats everything that is within reach of him putting his feet on the counter. He ate my long john! He's an asshole! :O

What else? Hmm. Tomorrow is going to be my super busy day. Then the next day is 21 hours of airports and planes. I have to take a Westjet flight to Calgary first, then a KLM flight to Amsterdam, then a KLM commuter flight to Hamburg. From there I haven't decided if I am taking a taxi or the U and S Bahn's into where I'm staying. I will probably take a cab, just because I have so much stuff. I always take a cab at first. I'm on a strict budget, I hope I can stick to it! Yiy! My lodging won't be much and so I just have to get a data plan for my cell, a transit pass, and food, really. Should be awesome! OH and I have to pay for a bus ticket to Berlin. But that's all. Pretty decent.

Tomorrow I have to:
-Charge all my batteries for my camera
-Finish all my laundry
-Clean my room
-Buy a MiCon-2 for my Lav.
-Finish Packing, including finding the USB adapter.
-Print out where I am staying
-Pick up my Medications
-Pick up my Cheque
-Go to the Bank to deposit it
-Get some money to exchange over there
-Put Laptop in easily accessible area in my carry on so that I don't have a hard time pulling it out and turning it on at security!

I have to charge up everything before I go, I wonder how much my roaming fees are going to be for data before I get a German micro sim card. Hmm. I hope it's not that much money.

Ha ha, I totally kissed my dog and he made a groany noise, like he was saying "Let me sleep Mummy!" Poor little sod! He's gonna miss me, but he has Hermione and Arthur and Mum and Beatrix Kitty to keep him company. I've never been gone this long from him! I did do a six week residency once in Winnipeg, it was awesome, I made a good video, felt like I lived there, made some good friends. I hope something similar happens this time. The good thing is all the costs of making my video have pretty much been taken care of with my grant, so now I just need to live for a while.

I should go to bed. I need to sleep! So much is happening tomorrow and I have to get up early for it! I promised myself I wouldn't sleep in the day before I left, because I have to be at the airport at 9am on Thursday so it's just a good idea to get on schedule. I totally thought I was flying through Toronto. It's hilarious that I'm going to friggen Calgary! Oh well. I have three hours there and then two hours in Amsterdam. I hope I can sleep on the plane, often I have a hard time with that!

Travel, Video, and Nipple Shame

I have three dates with three different women lined up for when I get back to town. One is that date I have been meaning to go on for ages but she lives three and a half hours away. When I make some money again I am going to go down there and hang out with her! Yay! Another one is someone I met from OK Cupid. I don't know if that's going to go anywhere, but I figure I should keep an open mind, and she is cute. And another is a date with someone I had a date with a while ago.

I am also going to keep my heart open for Germany, in case I meet someone there. I am willing to fall in love these days.

I did some pre-packing for my trip, and laundry, and some paperwork that I needed to do. I was going to shoot some more stuff, but as it turns out I can't use the horse because it is currently lame, so that's that. Maybe someone in Germany will have a motorcycle I can sit on and look all butch. Or maybe I will get very creative with my packer, y fronts, and fake mustaches! Maybe I can walk around with a giant bratwurst in a suggestive way. Who knows!? I am open to my project evolving while I am there. I wish I had enough money to throw around to buy a lavalier, there's a really good one at Don's Photo that I was looking at. Hmm. Maybe I should buy it anyway. It would be good to have, and I will always have it. I've decided after all that fussing to take my tripod. I found the foot for it, so that's good. Oh, sorry, the Camera Quick Release Plate. That's a very long name for such a small (yet crucial) piece of the tripod! I am also bringing my hand held mic, it is really good quality but made for vocalists and not really used in videotaping, unless you want to look awesome while you rap! Anyway, I usually use it for voice overs because like I said the sound is awesome. Who knows, maybe I will sell it when I get my lav. When I get money to make my feature film I am going to shell out for a boom mic. A nice Sennheiser. With a puppy and everything! (For those of you who don't make film or video, a puppy is the fuzzy thing they put on mics to cut down the wind noise!)

Dreams! :D

I'm so excited about going to Germany that I have hardly thought about my butch project. Whenever I try to articulate what being butch means to me, I have a really hard time with it. So it will be interesting to make this video. I will have to explain exactly where I am coming from as a Butch woman and also explain how I don't fit the stereotype and yet SOMEHOW there is still some essence of me that reads as Butch. I'm a fairly faggy butch. I suppose I should wear my fedora over there. It would make a good prop. It would also be a bitch to wear on the plane, I don't know where I will put it. Maybe I can stick it over my face like all those debonair sleepy detectives. I'm taking two of my other nice hats too, and a couple ties. I don't know how to tie a tie. I am gonna have to learn. Thank Sappho for Youtube Tutorials. Maybe when I am done I will give one to my cousin to tie her dreads with. Dreads tied back with a tie look awesome!

Or maybe I will become A Butch Who Wears Ties. One never really knows what the future will bring. Which reminds me, I have to take a dressy shirt with a collar if I am gonna wear a tie.

I've pared my sex toys that I am bringing down to a glass dildo, a vibrator, and possibly a strap on. And then the necessary accessories like condoms, lube, and dental dams. To be honest, I never use dental dams. They are a good idea, but until they make a dental dam that tastes like cunt, I am not into it! I don't want to go down on someone and get a mouthful of rubbery mint or grape or even banana! Good thing oral sex is so low risk.

That being said, I really don't know if I will get lucky this time around. I might not. But I must be prepared!

I was at the doctors a while ago and she was reading my file and I looked at some notes that Dr. Saffy had taken during my last physical and I noticed a diagram of my breasts, with the notation "bilaterally retracted nipples." WTF? I looked it up and it turns out I have inverted nipples! I was unaware of this. Oddly enough though, I remember being upset when I was twelve because my nipples were inverted, but my mom told me that I was normal. SHE WAS WRONG! I was never bothered by my nipples before, but the last time I played with them they totally disappeared into my breast and I spent five minutes trying to coax my left nipple back out and it was just so damned impossible! It was like playing with one of those plastic tubes filled with fluid that collapse in on themselves so they slip out of your hands. Apparently I could fix this with either a four thousand dollar cosmetic surgery (which ironically is the same cost as getting my tits cut off) or by getting my nipples pierced. I say no! No no no! I will have to learn to deal with the Magic Disappearing Nipple. Which really, when I think about it, hasn't bothered me much in my past sexual dalliances. And none of my lovers have ever said "Hey, you have weird nipples!" BUT I remember their nipples always seemed much more jaunty and erect than mine. They were perfectly roundy at the tips, while mine have little slits in the ends. This is all probably TMI, but it's my blog so nyah nyah nyah. Besides, maybe I can reduce the stigma of the rest of the 20% of women who have inverted nipples and feel nipple shame. Do not be ashamed my sisters!

I spent three hours tonight making a playlist of 381 songs for my travels. If I listened to all of them it would take me 24 hours! Which is good, because my plane flight is going to take 21 hours in total including all the stop overs in Toronto and Amsterdam. So I won't have to listen to a repeated song. I'm listening to my playlist right now, so far I haven't wanted to skip a song! That's always a good sign.

I have two power adapters now, and a USB power adapter. I need to find that! It's somewhere around. It's the only one I know for sure works because I have taken it there before. I got two different power adapters for plug ins because the first one I got said it wouldn't work with computers, and the other one says nothing about not working with computers. Once I got an adapter and took it to Paris, and when I plugged it in it started smoking. I guess I hadn't got one with a voltage converter. So I couldn't recharge my hi-8 camera. Sad! No more videoing for me!

I've got about four hours worth of batteries for my camera, so I am going to charge them all up for when I am there. Just in case! I'm really worried about my computer though, because I don't want to fry it. I went to Neural Net, which is our Mac store, but they couldn't sell me a travel adapter because they were sold out, and by the time I went down there it was too late for them to order me one. BUT there is a real Apple Store in Hamburg, so I might go there if my adapters don't work.

What else? I'm going to do some writing on the plane, write out some of my monologue. I am also taking Butch Is A Noun by S. Bear Bergman and Persistence: All Ways Butch and Femme. And a Gail Vaz Oxlade book called It's Your Money. But I am hoping by reading the first two books, it will spark off conversations I want to start with my video about being Butch. I'm starting to really bite into my topic, which is always a nice feeling. Until really recently it was pretty much like "What do you want to talk about?" "I dunno, what do you want to talk about?" "I don't know, what do you want to talk about?" ad nauseam. With MYSELF! IN MY HEAD! Ugh. But after shooting a little bit and pondering more, it's starting to become a little more clear.

I know one thing I want to talk about is the discrimination faced by Butch women, particularly in the area of employment. So many times I went to interviews and as soon as I walked in they would thank me for coming and shoo me away by saying they would call me and I could just tell my resume went into recycling. Or the garbage. Either one. It made for a lot of poverty. That has always really bothered me. Maybe I could do a scene where I get ready for a job interview and do a monologue about how I never get hired or properly interviewed even. Hmmm, must think more on this.

I guess I should go to bed. I am just having fun writing to you. Which is a really good sign because it means I am getting creative. Some of my best ideas get formed through my blog.

I'm trying not to write as much about sobriety because it gets boring, being fixated on what one does not do anymore. But it's still true, I am still not drinking, or smoking cigarettes, or smoking pot. Or doing chemicals that aren't approved by my doctors. I'm a goody goody girl. It's awesome. But what's even more awesome is that I am excited about so many other things and have talked about them in this post. I think this is the first project I will have made as a straight edge girl, well, since I was a baby dyke making baby dyke videos. I think my first three videos I made I was straight edge. So maybe I will inject some of that enthusiasm into this one.

I'm also excited because I am going there to work on a project totally self sufficiently in terms of equipment. I have an editing suite on my laptop, a camera, mics, cables, it's awesome! So I can totally immerse myself in making this video while living with these queer feminists and I won't have to rent or borrow equipment. HOWEVER I may need to borrow a cameraperson for a few shots. Hopefully that won't be too hard! Hopefully gracious Germans will come to my aid! :D

Family and Driving Dreams!

I'm going to get mum a metal detector when she is old, so when she asks me for money for the VLT's I can tell her "Go get your metal detector and go to the park Mum!" I just told her that and she said she would call me a bitch! :O

Today was rainy and yucky. We drove to two different Walmarts looking for 4 packs of 4mg nicotine lozenges and didn't find any! Finally we gave up and went to a Shoppers Drug Mart where I picked up two 4 packs for Germany. Hopefully I have enough for a long slow taper off from my NRT. I didn't put on my patch this last week by accident, and then when I finally remembered it was late in the day, like supper time, and so I decided lozenges alone were good enough. Yay for getting off the patch! :D I sometimes get whiffs of cravings, but then I take a lozenge and it goes away. I'm still doing good not smoking weed. And I am still not drinking.

I had my first driving dream finally. BUT it was a terrible dream! I dreamt all this snow got on the speedometer so I wiped it off, but it took the indicator bar with it so I had no idea what speed I was going! I was going too fast and took a wrong turn and ended up on Victoria Bridge (which in real life is condemned and thus closed to traffic) and it is a really skinny bridge because it was made for horse and cart traffic, and so I ended up in the wrong lane and hit someone head on! I felt really bad because it was my second accident and I was sure I was going to lose my license! I woke up and was so relieved it was all just a bad dream. But jeez, I had been looking forward to my first driving dream, I had imagined it would be about freedom and involve a lovely Sunday drive in a red convertible with a cute girl sitting next to me in a headscarf and sunglasses blowing kisses at me and giggling and feeling up my thigh! Now THAT would have been an awesome driving dream! But no, I get the anxiety dream. Sigh!

It's my second night in this weekend. Last weekend I stayed in too. I'm hardly hanging out with anyone anymore. It kinda sucks. I'm looking forward to when one of my friends comes back to town, but we partied pretty hard, and now we won't. Hmm. The good thing is instead I am spending a lot of time with my Mom and Grandma. And Grandpa, who's in the hospital right now healing from surgery for cancer. It's nice hanging around with my Grandparents because I have a strong feeling they don't have much longer left. They are 91 and 93. That's old for a human! Grandma is ready to die. I know she is. She's getting tired of living because she has all kinds of memory problems and osteoarthritis and a broken rib and disintegrated discs in her back. She has the early stages of dementia, and it's getting worse and worse really fast actually. She keeps forgetting where I am going and all kinds of things. I feel for her. Mum told me she wants me to push her over a cliff when she reaches 88. She doesn't want to go downhill like her Mum.

And yet I still want to go to Toronto next year.

I'm glad I came home in 2006 though, just to spend time with my family again. It's been nice seeing my sister a whole lot, and taking care of my Grandparents and being with Mum. It's been especially good with my Mum since we worked through our issues. We get along a lot better.

And I got Little Mister when I moved back! My sweet little baby! Aw I love him, I hope he and I find a good home in Toronto. I am gonna miss him while I am in Germany. He makes me feel so happy! <3 Such a cutie love bug!

I wish I could get traditional Cree women's tattoos, but they are facial tattoos and people are so judgey about that. That's an aside!

It's Pride week in Saskatoon, but I am gonna miss the Parade! Oh well. I am thinking of going down to Berlin for Christopher Street Day June 23rd. I've been having a hard time finding a bus ticket down there though, it seems to be all sold out. I shall keep investigating! :) I'm so excited about my trip! :D My first sober trip! And a residency, it's gonna be awesome! I'm gonna work so hard at making a good video AND seeing the city and meeting the people! I hope my money lasts! I am going to be very frugal and cook as much as possible!