My 34th Birthday!

Well, on Thursday at 12:15am I turned 34! I'm in my Mid Thirties! :D I am consistently amazed every year I get beyond being 30 because when I was younger my depressions were so severe that I was sure I would be dead before I made it to 30. BUT Here I am, a survivor! I feel pretty good about that. Wellbutrin has helped me out a lot, I forget when I got on it, but it has really worked for me! Last night some friends and family came over and we had a barbecue and hot tub party! It was awesome. We had bison burgers and cake and potato salad! I didn't have time to make fried bannock though! Oh well! People seemed to have fun! I still have liquor leftover, we had to run around and hide it when Steven was in the hot tub. Because I was leaving and he doesn't stop drinking, he will just keep going! Then I went with my friend Laurel to Divas, which was fun! She told me I had to find another bar to meet women, but I don't go to bars to meet women, I just go to have fun. I like meeting potential mates at places where we have more interests clearly in common, like at film festivals and so on and so forth! I still have to have a date with my friend! She was gonna come up to Saskatoon for my birthday, but then she realized she had a prior engagement related to her job that she had to go to! So that was that. Oh well! It will still HAPPEN! I hope! Maybe it would be better if it wasn't us at my birthday party, because I had to entertain a lot of people! And I kinda want to be focused on her when we FINALLY hang out! That's the only right way to go on a date! I got into my first accident with the car. I thought I was in reverse when I was straightening the car in a parking space and instead I was in drive and I went up a kerb and hit a handrail! I was so embarrassed. I bent the handrail and made a hole in the bumper and a scrape and flattened a tire! :( I didn't know what to do so I called Mum, thank god I had my phone. She drove over in Grandpa's car and I called Affordable Towing and they came and put on the spare tire for 36 bucks. Then I followed my Mum in the car to Kristjan's daycare and she brought him to the car and said "Auntie Thirza broke the car!" And he put his little finger in the hole and said "Oh no! Car boken!" Then I drove him to our house and Mum met me there with Grandpa's car and we all got in the car and drove Steven and Kristjan to his mom's house and we went to see Sky. I wasn't hurt and no one else got hurt. OH and also I should note that someone from the building did come out to talk to me and I gave them all my info and they were very kind! So yesterday we took the car to SGI for an assessment and got a piece of paper to take to the dealer to get it fixed. That's 700 bucks I gotta pay! Oi! Today I watched The Iron Lady and felt bad for Margaret Thatcher. Which is silly because she was so horrid. It's a good film about dementia, but as my friend Stef says, seemed like pro-Conservative propaganda. I am going out to the Freehouse tonight to meet up with my friend/fellow Little Piner/First Roommate Vern! I am excited to see him, it has been way too long! He's always fun! I am thinking these days about what the hell I want to do with my life. I have an array of choices before me. And opportunities. And I applied for that grant. I am hoping I get it, even though I won't get the money until January. I'd really like to make my film. I also have to start writing my script for Boy Oh Boy. I've got to start shooting soon! I am gonna wait for two more weeks and then start. Grandpa keeps asking me what I am doing, but it's hard to tell him because he is mostly deaf and I never really know if he heard me. When my grandparents pass on, the only thing I want of theirs is Grandma's treaty card, because she married my Grandpa at a time when white women legally became Indians if they married one. So she is treaty, even though she is white white white! And so I'd really like to have her card and put it in a little shadow box on my wall. I want to go see Jeff Who Lives At Home with my Mom. It will be 15 weeks without marijuana this coming Wednesday. I feel like I should celebrate it somehow. That's over three months! I feel so much better now, so much clearer. I hardly ever think about it anymore. ************************ Two Days Later So I was wondering on Saturday night before I went out why birds were still chirping. AND ALSO why they were chirping in my living room but when I sat outside all was quiet. It was DRIVING ME CRAZY! Damn birds. Then I realized, they were coming from my computer! :O So I had to shut almost 60 open tabs on my firefox to get rid of the damn things. Night of the Midi Birds! Then I went out and drank and got drunk and brought Vern home and it was kinda crazy, he slept on the couch for a bit but the next morning my Mum was like "I want you to examine your drinking!" So even though there is still booze here (quite a lot actually) I gave most of it to my Mom and decided to get on the wagon for a while. I am not sure if I am quitting forever, but maybe spending some time away from it would be good. It might help me get perspective on my life, and it would for sure cut down on my costs and let me save some money. I bought "It's Your Money: Becoming A Woman of Independent Means" today and I am excited to read it. It's by Gail Vaz Oxlade who does the popular (in our house anyway) Canadian shows "Till Debt Do You Part" and "Princess." In her shows she gives couples or single women challenges to do and encourages them to find work and so on, and then at the end if she thinks you have improved she will give you 5000 or less towards reducing your debt! One Princess show we watched recently, the Princess didn't get ANY money! Not even 500. Not a penny! She was really resisting the challenges. ANYWAY, although I make personal video about personal issues, I don't really want to be a lesbian Princess on her show and be in reruns forever. So I bought her book instead. I have a backlog of books I need to read. I won't be able to take them all with me on my trip this summer, but I should at least get some of it read. My work ends in two weeks and then it's just this street patroller job I am doing for a while. Till October I guess, that's when it ended last year. I'm having feelings for someone I want to express, but last time I expressed them she sort of rejected me. I really wish she liked me. She is indicating certain things, like that it might not be so out of the blue for her to move to Canada for Love. But she is not outright saying she loves me, so I'm still feeling slightly awkward. Because I really want to be able to say I Love You. Because I do and have for a while. Sigh! I am always afraid of saying I Love You. It has turned out badly so many times in the past. I really just want to be allowed to really really love someone, love them so hard and so well that people can't imagine us not being together. It feels like my love is never allowed or wanted even. It's not like being rejected is SO bad, but it's a terrible ongoing pattern of rejection from women I have deep feelings for. I know one day it will change and I will say I love you and probably be terrified and then she (whoever she is) will jump on me and kiss me and kiss me and say I love you too! But until then there is this awkward silence that follows. And crickets chirp and a tumbleweed goes by and then I am turned down. And it's not like I am falling in love with straight girls, they are always queer. Just not into ME! Anyway, blah blah blah. I'm tired of my heart always ending up in the reject bin. It's especially frustrating when this friend keeps telling me how much she wants love and a life partner and I just want to say "What about meeeeeeeeeeeeeee? I'm cute and nice and with some breaking in could be a fun lover!" I am aware I still need experience sexually, especially after my years and years of celibacy and limited sexual experience before that. I was sort of active in my early twenties. It's also funny since I found out she and I share one of the same fetishes. So, hmmmm. And I'm the butch, and I don't know if I am supposed to make the moves or what the hell. When we got together the first time I don't remember who made the first move, just all of a sudden we were making out and then I had my hands in some pretty sweet places. It seems to hinge on following her lead, while also indicating interest. The second time I told her I wanted to kiss her and then she waited until she invited me into her house to let me kiss her. It was sweet. I should probably just tell her next time she is talking about wanting a serious sweetie that I would love her if she would let me. I don't think she reads my blog, otherwise I wouldn't be spilling all this here. Or maybe I would? Anyway, if she is reading, I hope she knows that I think she is incredibly smart and funny and beautiful and exactly the kind of person I could happily spend my life with nurturing each other. I feel really safe with her and want to explore all of her, her body and her mind and her hopes and dreams! Okay okay, enough of that I guess. They say you feel bonded to people if you have sex with them. It's some little chemical. I've had sex with people without feeling bonded though. But I am really fond of her! I know I could fall in love with someone else though. I just already love her. It's complicated. She lives thousands of miles away and it will still be at least a year and a half before she could move here. AND I would have to move to a bigger city so she could be involved in the things she likes doing, because Saskatoon doesn't have a lot to offer her. I am planning to move to Toronto to go to school at York. But that depends on a LOT of things. Like if I get accepted. I'd like to study with John Greyson though, I think it would be really good!

Summer Job Year Two!

So it looks like I will have my part time summer job again, wandering Riversdale looking for used needles! It was a fun job to have last year. I really liked it. It was like a treasure hunt, only the treasures were USED NEEDLES! And I'm not afraid of picking them up. I'll have to work longer in the evenings three days a week, what with my other job of editing videos. Which is starting to come together. Right now I am working on a project. I have to get at least four more hours of work in this weekend to keep up. That's okay. I'm going to try and keep up with my job and really get some hours in so I have enough to go to Germany this June/July!

I'm excited to have my summer job back! I wonder where this years hot spots will be? I know a lot of them from last year when I was working. The only time something dodgy happened to me last year was when I found a needle and then a wasp chased me away and was like, stinging me and stuff! For the most part people in that neighborhood are happy someone is getting rid of potentially biohazardous materials. They are very respectful and tell you where they have seen needles. Because everyone has a stake in their community, no matter how poor those people are. Sometimes people think poor people don't care about where they live, but that is so not true. People care. People don't want their kids jabbing themselves on some strangers needles.

And I liked walking for three hours a day three days a week. It was good for me, got me some kind of fitness level. It made me not so sedentary. I never cared that I was chubby, but not being completely sedentary made me feel pretty good.

My job is awesome, my editing job I mean! I am excited about it! Lots of stuff to do! My needle pick up job is awesome too, but I am right now only doing the editing job. It's been all importing footage so far. But I feel pretty happy knowing there is a lot of footage to pull stuff from, and the footage looks good! It's all high definition, which is REALLY nice!

I'm starting to realize that just maybe I will be able to have a fully functioning editing company. So far it has been very abstract. But now after doing a bazillion things like incorporating and getting a business license and a bank account and so on and so forth all on my own money, I think I will be able to do it! This is the first time I will have money coming in from an external source.

I got an accounting program for my Mac FINALLY! It's AccountEdge and so far it is really user friendly! Except when I went to register the damn thing, it kept telling me "You must be an administrator" and I AM! Then after an hour of trying to troubleshoot I read the email I got when I upgraded it and it said to wait a whole day before registering! Fricken fracken hell! Anyway, expect to hear more about my accounting software. Neural Net, the Mac store in town, uses it, so I figured if it's good enough for them then it's good enough for me!

I have to clean my office tomorrow because my client is coming in on Wednesday to sit with me and do some editing. I'm not sure how long she is planning on staying but I'd better make it nice in here! Right now it looks terrible.

I got my criminal record check today for the needle job, I had one last year but they needed a newer one within the last six months. No crimes for me! :D I have a nice clean record.

I am importing my 4th to last tape right now! Exciting! I have done so many hours of importing! 19.5! Including some setting up and stuff. Rewinding. Blah de blah. I'm stoked to get started on really editing, there is some more material coming soon. Finally I get to do my job!

I have been writing this for days. I keep saving it and then writing some more. Today is the first day I have worked in my office, before I was using the kitchen table. I really like it! It's nice to be away from everybody. In my own quiet space. As messy as it is. It will be clean soon!

I need to gather my receipts for my business. I spent practically 600 bucks on that damn accounting software, but it was and will be worth it. And I will be able to pay myself back with the money I am making now. I am also considering buying a nice external monitor later on. I also have to send off a cheque for an ad I placed in the Pride Guide. It's kind of a silly ad, I have a couple regrets about how I placed the words, but whatever. It's all spelled correctly!

So running a business is a lot of work!

Also I have to pay myself back for the 2400 I spent on this computer. I need the money to pay for Life In Germany this summer. I am thinking of extending my ticket and flying out of Berlin so I can spend five days there after my residency is done. Also because my friend will be in Finland for most of the time I am there and I want to see her and her dogs! I have other friends to visit there too though. Either way, another five days wouldn't hurt. It might test my sense of homesickness though. I get homesick so easy. I'm such a Canadian. I feel sad when I am physically away from the land. I would make a terrible astronaut.

So life is exciting right now, and giving me a sense of purpose. I also have to start writing my script for my butch video. I'm going to be really busy these next couple of months. My birthday is in ten days! :D I will be 34. Mid thirties! :O Shit, that reminds me, I have to call the government and pay them back an EI overpayment from when I went to Germany and therefore wasn't supposed to get EI while I was gone. I should look for that letter! I'm glad I'm not on EI now. EI sucks, I hate doing the reports, and they only let you be sick for so long, 15 weeks. And recovering from a manic episode takes more than 15 weeks.

SO yeah! I gotta dash, the important part of this video that I need to watch is coming up in 2 minutes! And then I am down to my last three tapes which I will do tomorrow. YAYS! :D

Masturbation is Divine and Helps You Get To Sleep!

For my prudey readers, you might want to skip this post! For the rest of you, I had the first intensely gratifying sexual experience Sunday night in a really LONG time! I did have sex with someone else last summer and that was hot, but I am talking in this instance of my solitary sex life. Which has been lacking.

I don't know why masturbation is such a taboo topic, when we are encouraged to talk about uplifting sexual experiences with other people. Maybe because solitary sex is supposed to be guilty and super quiet because there's the assumption you are pitiful if you can't have sex with other people. But I have been inspired as of late with my friend Shavonne who is always posting about masturbating and how her bed smells like vag! I'm impressed even, because she always has a sense of joie de vivre about her solitary sex life and no shame!

I used to have a really good solitary sex life, in my early twenties. I was away from home in my own apartment and had marathon masturbating sessions with various techniques, experimenting with my body and various implements, from ginger figs to my first (and second, and third) dildos to clothespins to . . . well once I eyed my telephone up quite lovingly, not for phone sex as you would understand it but more because the handset was curved in a pleasing way. But I didn't go that far. I kind of regret it now. I used vibrators and candle wax and all kinds of things. And then what happened?

In the last few years my masturbation has been utilitarian and rote. Just a buzz of my vibrator before I fall asleep, trying to think of just the right fantasy to get me off and usually being frustrated because my fantasies are all boring now. I need to expand on them, or so I thought.

BUT THEN Sunday night I was kinda horny and got out the lube and my new glass dildo which I got at Taboo but hadn't used yet. And I used it and my vibrator and had an EXPLOSIVE orgasm that made me all glowy the next day. I hadn't penetrated myself in a REALLY LONG TIME and it was amazing! That night I had dreams about using my glass dildo AND my vibrating clit pump I got from Berlin last year, which I was all excited about doing last night except I ended up sleeping over at a friend's house. I admit, I almost wanted my friend to drive me home JUST so I could masturbate all over again, but I didn't ask her to. Tonight I expect to have a special moment all to myself.

The funny thing was my fantasies weren't so all important when I was fucking myself with a glass dildo and using a vibrator on my clit, they all got lost in just the pure sensation of SEX! SEX! I had forgotten that having sex by myself could be hot like that, it had just become this thing I did in the dark with a vibrator set to high while I fumbled around in my brain trying to think of the thing that would tip me over the edge.

And what really impressed me was how much it boosted my libido to have such a fulfilling experience by myself. I wanted more MORE MORE! And not even necessarily with other people, I'm perfectly content to be sexual on my own.

I wasn't masturbating much these days, maybe a couple times a week. Because it was so BORING! But this getting into my toys again has reignited my solitary passions. I am already going over my inventory in my head thinking of what toys to mix and match tonight. And I also know that by doing that I will increase my own imagination for things to do with a lover, whenever that happens.

We need to talk about masturbation more, I think. We need to share tips for masturbating creatively. We need to get rid of this antiquated idea that masturbating is solely for pathetic people who can't get girlfriends (or boyfriends), as if being single and sexual is a pathetic thing. I refuse to wait for a lover to pull on my nipple clamps while gliding a strap on in and out of me! Like most things in my life, I'm just gonna do it myself!

And why oh why when I wanted to tell everyone what great sex I had Sunday night, I felt sheepish, until I blurted it all out on Shavonne's wall on Monday! It really did make me want to go tell it on the mountain "GLASS DILDOS ARE AMAZING EVERYBODY!"

Masturbation IS sex, sex doesn't always require another person. And dammit, I am going to have a good sex life from now on! I have seen the light, and it is a six inch ridged blue and clear glass dildo! Plus the rest of my army of toys! :D

Don't go breaking my heart! I couldn't if I tried!

So anyway, Happy Easter all my readers! It has been a while since I wrote. Let's see, what is new? Well, I have another job, not a JOB job but some work for my company. It's pretty exciting, I am looking forward to getting started. Work work work! Gonna be about 20 to 25 days of work, and will help me pay off some debts and go to Germany and get through the summer without resorting to Welfare. Hooray! :D

I drove all the way deep into the westside today to pick up my older sister Sky and bring her home. She thought it was pretty funny that I was driving. At first she was annoyed Mum wasn't there to pick her up, but she got over it. Then Steven drank all the wine last night meant for Sunday dinner, so I drove to two liquor stores, which were both closed, then went to the offsale, then went out to the reserve for cheap smokes. I am trying to come up with a good quit date soon. Before my birthday.

I forgot a few morning meds last week, which made me moody. But this week I have been pretty good at taking them, except for one day. Saturday morning I forgot.

Thursday night I got spectacularly drunk with my cousins as it was Deanna's last night in town. I was so exhausted the next day. Then I was a designated driver on Friday night and took my friend Laurel to four bars! I drank pepsi and coke and one red bull. Actually I was exhausted the day after that too!

Baby got attacked by his dog a week and a half ago. He looks much better now, but when it first happened he was so red and oozing blood out of his nose and his lip was drooping so much because it was so swollen. Never leave your child alone with a dog, no matter how well you think you know that dog! The vet wants to get the dog fixed and give it to a different home. I dunno. I still think it would be better to put it down. He's 11 years old! And the injuries he inflicted on Baby were pretty bad! 18 stitches! Did you know they give children morphine and ketamine for injuries on little children like that? I did not know they used ketamine.

Anyway, Baby is still a happy go lucky kinda kid. Today Mister was kissing me and Baby said "Dog bites lip!"

I got my grant sent away. Three grant applications in three years. I dunno! We will see what happens. I hope no traditionalist tries to stomp on my dreams! Traditionalists are to Indian Country as Fundamentalists are to Christians. They seem to be exceedingly conservative and homophobic. And they are always trying to tell other Indians how to be a real Indian.

I hate when people try to define what is a real whatever. Real lesbians, Real Women, Real Indians, Real this real that. Really just shut the front door! Humph!

I still haven't had my date yet, BUT there are murmurings that next weekend she's gonna come up here and we are going to sit in my hot tub and drink lovely drinks and maybe make out? I hope! So I guess we'll see what happens.

I'm doing good. I was weakening on my resolve not to have any pot on Thursday night, but oddly enough my cousin who's a major chronic and says anti-marijuana facts are a government conspiracy talked me out of smoking up with them when I was drunk and wanted to. THEN the next day I found a roach in my raincoat pocket from last year and I threw it in the garbage! Woot!

So that's still good. It was eleven weeks last Wednesday at noon since I smoked up last! ELEVEN WEEKS! I should have got my 60 day chip already, but I haven't been going to NA. I haven't been going to concurrent disorders either. They weren't running it this last friday anyway, but I really should go. It helps. I don't go to the bipolar group, I am thinking maybe I should again. It was pretty nice. Except they say eating nuts makes you fat. A lot of people with bipolar worry about their weight because the meds pack on pounds. I don't mind being fat, although I have shrunk a bit. Being fat is kinda sexy!

Actually being fat is really sexy, I really like bigger girls. They are more curvy and delicious!

But any size can be sexy, it all depends on the personality.

Velveeta was skinny and she's pretty sexy. I should give her a call! I should also call Stef. And Robin. And Lynn. I wonder if any of them would be into skyping sometime? OOh, and Margaret. I have to make my rounds with my long distance friends.

I think my business might just work out. I guess I will find out soon! According to my psychic it will improve. I just have to FOCUS! She even said I could have it in two locations later on if I wanted. I am considering getting a partner to run it here in Saskatoon while I open another location in Toronto. But that's still a ways off!

Bunnyhug Grant Writing!

My Mum just told me I looked like a nerd the way I was typing. Thanks I guess?

Today I drove Grandpa to City Hospital for his CAT Scan. We passed these prolifers with signs that said "Women DO regret their abortions!" Grandpa grumbled and said "I don't think women DO regret their abortions!" We were in the car so they didn't hear him, but I heard him and I was happy! Grandpa has righteous politics! Then we went inside and got him through admitting and went to the medical imaging area and the woman who worked behind the desk was really bitchy because Grandpa is partially deaf and didn't understand her right away. I was annoyed with her, sheesh! She should be used to dealing with elderly deaf people. Pisses me off. Then we sat in Waiting Room Four and Grandpa had to drink Contrast Dye and he said "I don't want to, it's going to go right through me!" But he did of course. He had to answer some questions to screen him before they injected him with Contrast dye and one was "Are you pregnant and/or breastfeeding?" He said "I can't answer that question!" We agreed NA was probably the best answer.

Then I drove him to the Cancer Centre for his radiation treatment.

La la la!

It's nice being able to drive him around. And I did save him one day when he was stranded at Market Mall because his car wouldn't start!

I have realized that Rheanne AND Ivana, my exes who won't talk to me, both have cats as their profile pictures. What's that all about? Are cat lovers contraindicated in my romantic life?

Romantically things are, developing. I am going down to Regina next week, so I might have a date while I am there. THAT would be exceptionally nice. I'm not really expecting sex, but some making out would be sweet! I love making out! We'll see! I still have my very very far away crush, it's been sweet too. Not much in the way of flirting, but we have had some pretty good conversations on Chat on Facebook. I like being able to talk with someone who has a lot of similar interests, BUT is femme! Then again, my closest friends have almost ALL been femmes. And also, they become close friends because I usually have a crush on them to begin with before we settle into platonic friendship!

I have been scouting out possible Masters programs in Toronto. Right now I am heavily leaning towards York. I feel like it would teach me the most. But I am probably also going to apply to OCAD and U of T and maybe Ryerson.

I've been working hard on my grant! I've got most of it written and I did the treatment and I have been working on the budget! I think it will be ready to be mailed away on Monday! It better be, because that is the deadline! My final report was approved so I totally can go ahead with this grant application. Hurrah!

And now, I think it is time for bed. I woke up at 8:30 this morning, miles better than waking up at 2 in the afternoon like the day before. Let's hope I can keep this up tomorrow!

Bugger bugger bugger!

One of my close friends is leaving next week for greener pastures in Montreal. I am going to miss her! Today I got to drive her to Tim Hortons for a double double. The first time I drove her around! She texted and told me where to turn and it was lovely. We were originally supposed to go for ice cream together, but it's been snowy and not really ice cream weather.

I don't think I'll write much in this post. I went and saw my friends the Seahags perform at Amigos tonight, which was fun. They are too expensive though, Amigos. Cover was 8 bucks and the beers start at 6.25 bucks for a pint. I guess that is the going rate now, geez I remember when it was five bucks. What happened? Inflation!

The cat is in a perfect spot on the bed right now, way down on the right hand bottom corner. Good! Often she bookends me along with the dog and makes getting comfortable awkward.

I can't think of something intelligent to write about. All the things I want to talk about are best kept quiet and only written in my diary, because they are situations which still need to simmer over a period of time, possibly a very long period of time. Love is sort of like that. And even then I don't know if anything will happen. Life changes pretty quick.

I am tired. I am going to sleep.

I wrote a facebook message to my ex Ivana, she never wrote back. I told her I wouldn't write her again unless she wrote me with like, a question or something. So that is that. I feel better for apologizing, but I also feel sad that she doesn't want to talk to me. But it's not like that is a new situation, she hasn't wanted to talk to me for a while.

Oh blast it! Beatrix moved up the bed to the spot I hate having her sleep in! Bugger bugger bugger~!

Thinking about moving away next year . . . and some morose thoughts about my first real girlfriend

Today I was having a chat with my favorite far away friend (like really far) when I found myself writing "I am thinking of moving to Toronto." And I was happy to see her write that she has been pondering the same city.

Anyway, Saskatoon has been nice, I guess, except there isn't a lot of short queer film being screened here (hardly any!), and there isn't a lot of queer culture, and I am starting to miss being influenced by radical queer politics that happens in larger urban centres. In short I miss big city living. I miss having a larger community of like minded folks. Toronto has a Queer film festival and an Indigenous film festival and several small festivals and events and you can see nipples AND drink a beer at the same time. Here everyone has to have pasties on. And pasties are glamourous, but not as splendorific as a nice naked nipple.

I was going to stay here until my grandparents died, but they are still chugging along and I have been here six years now and I don't think I should make decisions that are dependent on them dying. Besides, I will still come back every so often and for the major holidays like Christmas and . . . well just Christmas. NO I will come in the summer too.

And anyway I won't be leaving right away, I will probably stay here until at least the end of June 2013. Something could change my mind. But if I got my grant and was in post production, well that would give me a decent financial cushion for moving to a new city. And there are lots of jobs in Toronto, with the aforementioned festivals and other places. Culturally it is a happening city. And it's just a place where I feel there would be more opportunities for me. More clients for my business, more places I could get a job job. More places to meet women and there would be an actual Butch-Femme community and I wouldn't feel like the only only one anymore. I miss being in a Butch-Femme community, Saskatoon has some Butch-Femme couples to be sure, but hardly anyone who really identifies with those labels and embraces them and is willing to fuck with them a bit. I guess I am too old school or something, which is funny because in Vancouver I wasn't old school at all, I was whatever non-old school butches are. But here it's like if you say you are Butch they think you are from the 50's.

I hate to say it but I miss coming from a pool of butches and transdudes who are all chosen by the same Femmes for intimate encounters and potentially long term relationships, where we end up winking at each other because we share the same exes. Or current lovers. Or whatever.

Also, I am ready to fall in love. Like massively in love. And even though I am having some dates here, I am so used to feeling dismal about my chances here. I chased the same woman for almost six years! It was a waste of time. But I feel like there just wasn't anyone else that could hold my attention as well as she did. Maybe I didn't give the locals enough of a chance. Even my next date isn't REALLY from here, she lives three hours away! So many of the lesbians here are shacked up and officially married, and I want to be an old married lady too!

I guess I should have a relationship that lasts longer than a year and a month first though. That is still my longest relationship to date. And now we don't even talk to each other. Sometimes I look at her profile on Facebook and read the few lines that are public and wonder if she will ever have a picture of her face for her profile pic and not her cat. The irony, of course, is that when she and I dated she lived in Toronto and I lived in Vancouver and when we broke up it's because I wanted one of us to move so we would be together and she dumped me because we weren't in the same place and then she moved to Vancouver and I moved to Saskatoon.

And now I am moving to Toronto.

She was 28, I was 19, we were probably in different places in more ways than just geography. She was butch, believe it or not, at least that's how she identified. The cutest soft butch ever! She was really the first girl I had sex with, like full on fucking and falling asleep and waking up to more fucking and falling asleep again and fucking some more. We were really sexually compatible except she wasn't into BDSM. But she did orgasm denial scenes really well. With some coaching. I was her first female lover. YAY! I did have a female lover before her, and a male lover who was a friendly fuck that I had to end when he got attached. But those were just juvenile games compared to the sex I had with Butch Lady Lady. She was the first one who made me come all by herself. It's hard for me to come with lovers at first, I'm too wound up and feel sheepish for asking them to get repetitive strain injuries. It's like I have to get calibrated for lovers, cause once I have them all mapped out in my interior erotic landscape I can come in a decent amount of time with them.

Currently I do not have a specific person I think about when I am coming. It's kind of depressing. I like when I have a favorite person to think about. When Ivana and I broke up I was really depressed because I still had to think about her when I masturbated and I felt like I didn't have a right to anymore. And then even when I did think about her and come it would make me ache so hard not to be with her anymore.

To be honest, even when I have said all this stuff about Rheanne being the love of my life, probably the big love Thus Far was Ivana. She was the one who was there for me for a whole year and a month. It wasn't a perfect relationship, there were a lot of things about it that were wrong, but she really was PRESENT and honest in a way that my first and last love wasn't. She actually called me her girlfriend and was open about me with friends and, okay, she didn't tell her mom about me because she was still in the closet. That was a problem. BUT she loved me as best as she could from four provinces away. And the sex was great. The sex was awesome.

I wish I could still talk to her. I behaved really inappropriately with her when I was drunk and after that she didn't really want to be friends with me. I don't blame her. I was uncooth. We were already broken up by that point. And it wasn't my decision to break up. I took it really hard. That was a fucked up summer, so much shit happened that summer. The summer of 1998. Oh man! What a BAD summer!

I remember she came to visit that summer, after we broke up. I didn't even have a photo of her, and I had been trying to imagine her from when I had seen her when we met and had all the great sex. And I saw this really cute dyke on Commercial Drive and my heart skipped a beat and I thought "Is that her?" I couldn't remember! It was her. We went for dinner at Wazubees and she came over to my apartment and freaked out because she was sitting on my bed "I can't believe I'm sitting on your bed!" and I wanted to kiss her and we kissed bunches of times. But no sex. No relationship. We never got back together.

She wanted a break from me and then we just never talked again. I wanted to, but like I said I behaved badly. I felt so guilty for being so bad, I still feel guilty. But I never got to have a conversation with her about it, never got to apologize.

I know I could. I know I should. It would ease my mind to tell her some of the things I have thought since we broke up, even though it is fourteen years later.

God, how old would she be now? 42! OMG! Turning 43.

I can't believe it has been fourteen years.

Maybe I should do the classic Thirza thing, and write a long apologetic email to her. Because I miss her, and I should apologize, and because it would be nice to know her again, even if she is straight now or I don't even know what. Who knows, maybe she has a husband? My friends would know. We have some of the same friends. It's so awkward, I never know what to say when her name comes up. I really did love her once. And she broke my heart, and then I broke my heart. And it's so conflicted. I don't think we would get back together, I don't think it would work. For one thing, there would be distance. Again. And that was the main trouble in the first place. For another thing she is older, and she usually made the rules in our relationship, like she decided when we would talk and I often didn't feel like I had much input into the situation, because if I called her she would often wait the required two weeks before calling me back. It always seemed to happen in two week intervals, our phone calls. And I couldn't handle that.

Ha ha, I had a dream after we broke up that she told me the only reason she dumped me is because of her long distance bill, and that if sprint had brought in unlimited long distance sooner we would still be together!

So sad!

BUT I have a faggy arty date at some point in the not too distant future! Life is not all doom and gloom. And of course if it got serious I would reconsider the whole "I'm moving to Toronto in 2013" thing.

2:23 am. Perfect time of day to write an apology email. WOuld you believe I only had two pints this evening?

Life Avec Car

Life has changed a lot since I got my license. I have driven alone finally. I drove my friend Laurel around. I drove my mom to work and drove home and drove back and picked her up. Today I drove my cousin and our propane tank to the Co-op to get filled. And every day when I have suspected I might drive, I avoid alcohol altogether. It's been pretty decent, it might help me reduce my drinking, hurrah! I've been very serious about not drinking and driving, losing my new found independence would be terrible. I am really liking that I don't have to depend on my Mom giving me a ride somewhere, now I just depend on her lending me the car!

I finally got my Final Report done for Canada Council for my travel grant I got last summer. I mailed it away yesterday. It was pretty basic, I didn't write eloquently or anything, I just said the things it did for me and how I used it. Now I am working on a grant in Aboriginal Media Arts for my ultra low budget feature "film" which is actually a video but that doesn't matter anymore since everything is being screened digitally now anyway. Plus I am shooting in HDV. I finished the production budget today and it adds up to EXACTLY what I can ask for before my living allowance is factored in.

I rewrote bits of Bunnyhug, I found a totally alternate script while I was looking for the most recent version, and I added bits of it to the final draft I had finished, because I think it adds to it. Of course when I am editing I can leave out what doesn't work. And the parts I added aren't going to add a whole bunch to the production budget. Just a couple scenes in the apartment and a scene on the street and a scene in a bar. Not a whole big change, I can add them to the other bar/street/apartment location shots I do. I am going to try and shoot in May/June of 2013. That's a ways away. I also had to rewrite things so that it would be located in Saskatoon instead of Vancouver, because I can't afford to shoot in Vancouver that is for sure. Some of the things would make more sense in Vancouver, like when two characters mention meeting at a lesbian strip show. But why not pretend Saskatoon has Lesbian strip shows?? May as well, it's all fictional anyway!

I worked on my grant today, I got a substantial amount written, I am feeling good about it but looking for another pair of eyes to look at it. Just for confirmation of if I am on the right track or not.

Ha ha, my friend's 2 year old, when she catches him doing something bad like dumping all the flour on the floor, will say "Mum, walk away." Ha ha ha, that is the best thing I have heard ever!!!! So cute, that's something I can imagine her saying when she was little!

My dating life has picked up a bit, I had one date and might have another date with someone else and might go on a date with the first person again and basically I am starting to get my feet wet in the local-ish dating pool. Actually one of my potential future dates lives in a different city, which is kinda sucky, BUT it's in the same province and not that far away, which is bonus yay points! Which makes her local-ish. Not in a different province, and not in a different country on a different continent! Although I do still want a date with someone who lives rather far away. But some friendly hanging out is cool too, I'm not that fussy, I just like spending time with her. Anyway, no commitments to anyone yet, just hanging out and seeing where life takes me. Supposedly in eight to seven months I will end up in a serious relationship for a while, according to my psychic. Which would be nice.

I have something to confess! I have been sneaking smokes! :O I am climbing back on the no-smoking wagon. It's not worth all the bad things I noticed about being a smoker. And one of my dates quit smoking and I would like to be equally quit and nice tasting if we kiss, so I want to stop again. Along with the fact that I am sitting in the waiting room of the cancer clinic everyday this week with my Grandpa, seeing all those people who used to be smokers and are now really sad and worried and unsure of their futures. It's a wake-up call. Plus my great grandma on my dad's side lived to be 99 or something like that, and my maternal Grandpa is 93 and my Grandma is 92, so I have the genes to live to my 90's easy, and I should be careful of my body so I can make it to a great old age.

BUT I still haven't smoked weed, even though yesterday I was around a friend who was puffing away and who probably would have smoked me down if I had said I was back to smoking up. But I really thought hard about my withdrawal period and how hard it was and knew if I took a puff it would lead me straight back to being a chronic.

I passed! I passed!!!!!

I passed my Road Test!!! I am the proud holder of a Novice 1 Class 5 Driver's License!!! :D I was so nervous before my instructor picked me up, but we drove around and then did two different possible routes that the examiner could take me on. When I would make a mistake we would go around the block and do it again. Then at about 3:15 he said we could keep driving or I could go get registered, I decided I was ready and registered. So he and I sat in the waiting room until the examiner came out and called me by my last name. Then we did the signal check and brake check and horn check. And we went for a drive!

And I did really good. I must have because I passed! My parallel park was good, and in the end she just told me to slow down on my turns and to brake a little sooner so that it wasn't so jerky when I stop. But I passed!!! :D I went and paid my ten dollars to upgrade my license until the end of April (my birth month, when all the licenses normally expire). And they took another photo of me without my glasses for the photo id. I should get my new license in 10 days.

So now I am kind of stunned and excited! It wasn't even as hard as I thought it would be! I'm glad I know exactly how to parallel park. My instructor told me he loves how I parallel park!

Such a good driving instructor, when I told him I passed he clapped and then told me "That's three for three!" All three of his students taking the test today passed! That's pretty good!

Anyway, tomorrow night I am borrowing the car for the first time to take me and a friend to get some ice cream! Ha ha, also I think it is snowing a shit ton tonight, which might make my plans change.

I'm so tired of being so stressed! I was so nervous about that damn test! Now it's over, but I still have to be a good driver. I am going to keep practicing. There is a giant blindspot in my mom's car, which kinda sucks. When I get a car I am going to be aware of that.

I have to think of other things I want to improve in my life. I quit smoking cigs and pot, got my driver's license, now I just have to get a stable income and move out of my Mom's house, eventually. Oh and get a wife. And a car. And a house. Mom says I am not a Neverbloomer I am just a late bloomer. Actually she says I am doing really well.

The next big tasks are to write a grant and first I have to write a final report. And that all has to be done by the end of the month. I also have to get some more contracts so I can get some cash for when I am in Germany this June and July! And when it warms up a bit I have to start working on my video about being butch.

I should really make another list of things to do. I love lists. I write them all the time! I need to do some writing in my private diary again.

This week I should be getting the Lifering Workbook, and on Sunday I am driving down to the Avenue Community Centre for the Secular Sobriety meeting. My first time! :O I hope it's good.

So that was my day! I drove Mum and I home from Sky's house, I don't trust Mum's directions anymore because she keeps mixing up her left and rights.

Right Right Right! Tight Tight Tight!

I have finally passed the six week mark of not smoking pot!!! I can pee in a cup and pass a drug test! :D I have no reason to pass a drug test, BUT I could! I went to my concurrent disorders group today and had a good session. That was good because I missed last week.

I have had another session with my driving instructor and learned FOOL PROOF parallel parking! I am really good at it! I used to SUCK at parallel parking but now I have learned! :D YAYYYYYY! A new skill! And that is what used to get me during my road tests! Mom and I practiced driving for an hour tonight all around downtown and at various places they take you on the road test. My turns are still too wide. Several times my mom was yelling "Right right right! Tight tight tight!" I've gone and parked in various parking lots, and I am excellent on the freeway (although I follow the speed limits which isn't fast enough for most!).

My road test is on Monday at 3:45!!! Eeeeeeeeee! People have told me not to feel bad if I don't pass it the first time, but my instructor and I feel like I can pass it, I just need to practice lots. Today when I was driving us home Mom went through the rules of borrowing the car. Put gas in it, pay all tickets, that kind of thing. When I get my license I am going to give up getting a bus pass and only get bus tickets. For those nights I am drunk and need to catch the bus home! I'm never going to drive if I feel like I am going to drink, and if I do ever fall off the weed wagon (god forbid!) I am not going to drive either. Only sober driving! I'm excited, some of my friends have already asked me to drive them around and we will get ice cream when I get my license. I want to go on a road trip this summer, although I will have to go with only my Mom and one other non-immediate family member the first six months. So maybe I will drive with one other person to a music festival in Winnipeg or something! I am losing my nervousness when I am driving, which is really nice. I feel a lot more confident, which is good for my upcoming road test.

If I do fail it I can keep practicing and try again in two weeks. Not the end of the world. BUT I really want to pass it, because I tried at least three times when I was a teenager before giving up. I am going to try every two weeks until I get it!

Even though that will suck up a lot of money. Well, to be honest it's only 22 bucks or something like that for a road test. Not a lot of money. I can drink that in a night! I can cut back on drinks while I attempt to achieve freedom and being a grown up.

I used to feel so deficient not being able to drive. I used to have dreams about driving, where I knew I was doing something illegal because I wasn't licensed and just drove off with my Mom's car. Sometimes I would be driving from the passenger seat or the backseat, not IN the driver's seat and so wildly out of control. I always felt guilty about my driving dreams because I knew I wasn't supposed to drive.

BUT if I can get my license that will all change. Maybe I will even be sitting in the driver's seat in my dreams, maybe I will feel in control and free!

I'm already getting confident driving. And I understand the dimensions of the car from the perspective of the driver's seat now. I'm still not PERFECT in my lane alignments, but I am getting better. I realize I can be further left in a lane and still not crash into oncoming traffic.

I'm excited. My life will totally change when I get my license. I will be eligible for all kinds of jobs that require a driver's license. I will be able to do errands on my own instead of roping my mom into driving me across town to fix my camera or whatever. I'll be able to go take a drive and run errands for my grandparents. I'll be able to take on half the driving when we go on road trips. It's exciting!

When my Mom leaves town I can drop her off at the airport and do my driving and pick her up when she comes back from her trip, no more taxis or parking fees. Last time she parked we had to look all over the long term lot because she forgot where she parked! If Grandma needs something Mom can send me out to get it!

That all being said, I still love being a passenger. It's nice to googly eye all over the place and not have to worry. But driving is fun, and I am sure the more confident I get the more I will want to drive. Mom is really liking being a passenger, although she fussed tonight when we were driving.

Anyway, UM! What else? Well, I have been stable since late 2007. That is a good thing to say. I haven't been in the hospital since 2007 and that is pretty good. Five years this may! :D I haven't been in a group home since August of that year either. SWEET! Being in a group home sucked, mostly because there wasn't enough room for all my stuff, including my computer, which I am super attached to. I had to go to my Mom's to use the internet, and I don't think that's very fair. I think everyone should have internet access. So yeah, hope I don't have to go to a group home again.

Next week I see my psych nurse, a few days after my road test. I am hoping I will have super good news to give to her. I passed my six weeks, that was one thing I wanted to talk to her about. I had originally planned just on doing the six weeks clean, but now I want to go further. I feel like so much has gotten better. I want to see how much better it will get. I realize there are still gains to be made in being clean from weed, 3 months is better, and 6 months is even better than 3 months. And someone told me even a year later is loads better than just six months. So I am going to see.

I still feel kinda lonely. I still want a girlfriend. And I still only have one crush, which is rather hopeless even though I will see her again this summer. I don't think I could get rid of all my crushes, it's kinda sweet to have someone who's pictures you like to creep on facebook and sigh at how cute she is. She is cute. I'd totally be down for something serious if only it wasn't so hopeless. Who knows though, maybe someday circumstances will change for us and it will be a possibility.

So close to Six Weeks!

On Wednesday I will make it to six weeks without a puff!!! :D I am excited! Although apparently it will still be another month and a half or so before my withdrawals are really over. And it will take a year altogether to get over being a chronic for so long. Tuesday will be twelve weeks without tobacco, so that's cool! I was tempted to ask for a puff tonight, a puff of the green stuff, but I resisted and felt decent afterwards. Going through that withdrawal period sucked, I don't want to go through it again.

I ordered a workbook from LifeRing, the secular sobriety organization. I should get it in five to ten days. I hope I get it Friday. I'm ready to work through my addiction issues. I think it would help me. I also have a book somewhere with exercises I can do as someone with concurrent disorders, but I don't know where it is.

I have a new Tarot deck!!! :D I am going to try it tonight, I want to see if it being in my purse ever since I got it will make it have aligned itself to my particular vibes or whatever. I've had it for a while now, my Mom got it for me! My last Tarot deck fell apart after almost 30 years, it was all bent and then my mom's dog ate a couple cards! GULP! Oops. But I will take good care of this one, it will last another 30 years! It's a Rider Waite deck, which is my favorite one and the type the last one was too. I like it because I understand the symbolism of it the best out of all the tarot decks I have seen.

I'm doing better at driving, tomorrow morning we are going to go drive some more, all the way on the freeway to my old neighborhood where we will do some turns on residential streets and practice parallel parking. I really need to practice parallel parking because in the other road tests I did that was always where I fucked up and they would make me turn around and drive back to SGI.

I am getting lonely again. I know I still have a lot to personally work on about myself, but I really do wish I could find a lover who lived in Saskatoon or who even wanted to live in Saskatoon someday. I'm tired of being single. I miss sex and intimacy, and I miss parts of a relationship that I feel I've never even been able to have, like making plans for a future together and the comfort of sharing a home and building a home together. And all kinds of things that people in long term relationships take for granted. I really wish I had someone I could cuddle with, and kiss for hours. Someone I could fall asleep snuggled up with.

Someone DECENT! Someone who won't rip my throat out all of a sudden like so many of my other exes. I need something really different this time.

The key, according to my psychic, is to align my soft hearted inner self with my external self. I'm not sure how I'm going to do that. What do I do? Cry more freely in front of people? Give more hugs? Talk about my hopes and dreams? Either way, she says if I can do that then I will finally start attracting people who are better suited to me. Quitting pot is helping, because it is making me more in touch with my emotional reactions to stuff. No more numbing out.

I dunno. I have a lot to think about still. And I don't even think I have met my next girlfriend yet. I think she's still a total stranger somewhere out there in the world.

I'm glad I am over my last girlfriend. She was such a jerkface. Jerkface jerkface.

I'm not sure what else to tell you about. This week I have to write two reports, one for Saskatoon Tribal Council talking about what I have done for my business, and then another Final Report for Canada Council about my trip to Germany last year for my retrospective. I need to get that in this week so that I can start working on my grant for Bunnyhug production funds. I'm asking for the top amount, which they don't like giving out very often. I'm not sure if I will get it but I have to try, because if I do get it and can make a super low budget feature film, then I will be eligible for future funding from Telefilm and the Harold Greenberg Fund. It would be really good for me, it would open up my options that is for sure.

I just want to be a filmmaker! It's so ridiculous, I feel like getting diagnosed with bipolar disorder and getting so sick twice in the last decade really kicked the shit out of my career. It set me back and made me less able to create for a long time. All that shame the psychiatric hospital instilled in me really subdued me for a long time, and the shame that other people heaped on me for losing control and acting in such strange ways that they didn't understand. It really fucked me up. And I see contemporaries of mine who have already done things I wanted to do but couldn't because I was fucked up and/or overmedicated. That one Zyprexa year fucked me up, I was a total zombie. Sure I made Love & Numbers, but that was it!

Still, I did go back to school and finished my bachelor's degree. And I did write a feature screenplay. In fact that is what made my creative output so limited those years, because creatively I was focused on telling the story of my first manic episode, fictionalized of course. But based in a real event. It kind of pissed me off that I did all that work but didn't get any attention or recognition for it because it is still unproduced.

Anyway, blah blah blah, Sunday thoughts.

I speak Cree! Un petit pas!

I tried to find Blogger under the list of services Google offers in my account, but it looks like it has all been "streamlined" and so it wasn't listed. I had to google Blogger like a schmuck!

Disappointing!

Today I went driving in traffic for the first time since High School! :O It went better than I thought, although I can't for the life of me figure out why my turns are so rough! I kind of drift and don't let it straighten in time and stuff. But I guess I will get more practice. My test is set for the 5th of March! OMG! That is SO SOON!!!! Less than two weeks~!!! WTF?? I hope I pass because I have to help drive someone for medical appointments starting then! We'll see.

I bought my ticket for Hamburg! :D I am pretty stoked about that. Now my grant is all gone. I have to save up a substantial sum for living on while I am in Germany, at least enough to pay for eating and transit and traveling to Berlin a couple times. I think I can do it. I should be able to. Hopefully some decent artist fees will come in soon.

Tomorrow I am renting the super 8 projector for a night to shoot my film and make it into a video. I'm excited about it! Yay! I'll be able to send it off to my distributors and get some screenings!

My crushes have dwindled down to one rather hopeless crush that I just nurture because she is so darned cute! I can't help it. Oh well. I really need to start meeting more people. I know I am gonna meet more folks, it will happen. And eventually I am gonna get involved with my future wife. La la la. I wonder what she will be like. My psychic says it will be good. That's nice to hear.

My Mom is behind me critiquing my blog and watching Survivor. I was done with Survivor a few years ago, I got bored with the formula. I'm also done with Desperate Housewives. In fact there isn't much tv I watch anymore. Maybe the Simpsons, but Mom is always watching The Amazing Race when the new Simpsons comes on. I am gonna start watching RuPaul's Drag Race because I want to win the Out TV contest.



Anyway, this little dog is sitting on my knee. Earlier today she kept nosing my hand so I would pet her little head, and when I would stop she would nose me again.

I did the First People's Survey with Statistics Canada. I DO speak Cree according to them, but only a few words. Still it was enough to count for something, which made me feel pretty good.

Ashes to Ashes

I got defriended by my ex and past big love. The funny thing is what really pissed me off about it was that I didn't do it first, because I really was seriously considering defriending her. I was ready to cut my ties to her and jettison her over the side of the boat that is my life. But she did it first! Shitty. Oh well, I mean clearly it had to happen. I was boycotting her, I refused to like anything or comment or ANYTHING on her profile ever since she got all snarky over what I thought was an innocent joke pic. At first I thought she was just touchy about witch jokes (it was a computer screen of "Wiccapedia" which I thought was funny but she declared was "less than funny.") But then she posted a pic about how women ride broomsticks and I was like "Wait wait wait, what? It's okay for her to say a witch joke but not me?" Oh well. So I got annoyed with her and started boycotting her profile and then she defriended me.

It was gonna happen. I knew it was gonna happen. It had to happen. I need to not have her in my life whatsoever. She just makes me go around and around in circles waiting for, as my psychic said, her to have an "Ah-ha!" moment. But she never will. I hope she finds some boring guy to be with. She seems to prefer men anyway. She's always given them more respect and attention. She's one of THOSE bisexuals.

And she always treated me like garbage. Like some mega loser who isn't worth anything. Pissed me off. I'm sick of that treatment. She can go to hell! She probably will anyway she is so mean. Naw, I don't even believe in hell. I don't think there is anything that punishes people after death, just karma in life before death. Maybe she will end up in a loveless marriage, that would be nice.

Either way I know I am going to end up with someone else, someone nice, someone who deserves my love and attention. And getting rid of her is a good thing, because it opens up space in my heart for someone new. And I really think no one new has come into my life thus far just because I kept being so damned mooney over her.

I didn't even wish her a happy Valentines Day. I was so done with her. I had all these thoughts before of romantic things I was gonna post, but then she was a jerk and it all faded away in seconds. And it's not even like she just recently started being an asshole, she's been an asshole to me for a long time. Too long.

So that's that. I am doing okay otherwise. My energy level is still kinda low from detoxing. I made it to 30 days yesterday, I can go get my chip at NA on Sunday. So close to six weeks! I was around some weed recently, and I looked at it and kinda wanted it but I didn't have any because I didn't want to go all the way back to day one. I also wanted a cigarette, which surprised me because I have been doing good and it's been ten weeks and four days or so since I quit. I didn't have a cigarette. It was hard because my friend who was smoking still enjoys it because she really hasn't been a smoker for very long, not as long as me anyway. So seeing her enjoying it made me miss it a bit. I don't even know how I didn't have a smoke, I guess I didn't want to get sucked into it again. I don't know how long it would take me to quit again. This is the second longest I've gone without smoking since I started at 22. This is also the longest I've gone without pot since I moved here and didn't have a dealer.

Well it's late, my beer is done. I should really go to bed. Tomorrow we set off fireworks for my late cousin Christopher, I get my 30 day chip, we see Grandma and Grandpa. And??? I dunno what else. It will be a relaxing day I think. I am excited to see the fireworks! Christopher loved fireworks.

You Could Have Had It All

I'm addicted to my breasts. I love them just like they're my kids.

Ha ha, no I'm not, that's just some woman on the next episode of My Strange Addiction. My kids are Little Mister and Beatrix Kitty. Who are both sitting on the couch with me, Beatrix is meditating by the looks of it and Mister is having a snooze.

Today was a decent day. I went on two bus rides just to get out of the house and went to NA for half an hour (I forgot the meeting started at 8, I thought it started at 8:30 but that is the SOS group!). Next week I can pick up my 30 day chip. That's pretty exciting, because so far I just have two "Just for Today" keychains. Today is day 25.

I have to admit, I am depressed. I am super bummed out and it feels like it's always gonna feel this way (because that is what depression is like) and I know based on what I have read that I just have to grit my teeth and get through the next couple of weeks or so and then it will lift. It's the withdrawals. If it doesn't lift in three weeks I might make an appointment with my psychiatrist and ask if I need my antidepressant upped. She would know what to do. I see my psych nurse on the 27th or 28th, and I will talk to her about it and how I am feeling.

I also haven't worked out as much this last week. That could be contributing to my lack of zest for life. It was really helping me before. I need to get back into it.

My psychic says I need to focus more, and that is true. I am working on it. Sometimes it seems really impossible, my brain is just all over the place. I have a desk and chair now, so I can actually set up my office. I am gonna devote an hour to that at the end of the day tomorrow so I can work down there, because while I have been working in the living room while Mum was away, when she comes back she is gonna want to watch TV again and will chase me away.

Wow, this woman is smelling mothballs all day. And this dude before was having a relationship with his car and actually had sex with it. What's he gonna do when his car is dead?

My psychic says I have to get picky and find someone who's decent, someone who can be my best friend. That makes sense. I think someday soon, when more of the withdrawals have gone away, I am gonna make a list of what I want in a partner. Aw crap, and I have to write my five year plan too! Although really she says I should just focus on my career right now and the rest will be ready to happen very soon.

I do have a big grant coming up that I have to work on next month, I am applying for funds to make Bunnyhug. I've only been talking about it the whole time I have been writing this blog. If I can't get cash to make it I am not sure what I will do. BUT hopefully because it is so meticulously thought out I will be a shoe in.

Where does that phrase "shoe in" come from anyway? Like a shoe in the door? Probably. Actually that makes the most sense.

Is it bad that part of me worries that NA folks are lowlifes? I know, I am being prejudiced. It's just that my reasons for using were so different than some of theirs. Like they had abuse and stuff, where as I was mostly using to self medicate my bipolar disorder. Although I know probably a lot of them were self medicating too. I dunno, I have only been to three meetings, I can't make assumptions about any of them.

I noticed that there are some notable babes out and about these days. I saw two girls on Saturday that seemed like hotties, and two girls at NA that were pretty hot. But I didn't get any numbers or anything. I am just noticing. I think that's a pretty good sign, it means I am starting to be open to someone new coming into my life. Before I was pretty wrapped up in being all moony over the past Big love. But now that I am sure it is never going anywhere, I feel like I can move on. No more waiting. No more feeling like garbage. No more asking for approval!

Feeling marginally better

Although Mom still hasn't told me she is kicking the bum out, I feel slightly better. It is funny who reads my blog, because at least three people came up to me today to tell me not to stab my alcoholic roommate. I won't. I promise. His pathetic life is not worth me going to prison. If shit happens again I will simply check myself into the hospital until I can find better housing. And I will forever hate my mother for putting me in this situation where I had to commit myself in order to keep my life together. It's just what will happen.

If she chooses him over me then she is not a good mother.

That is a FACT!

I went to see the live music night of Eat Your Art Out Judy Garland, it was really good! I came home early to give the pups cuddles and kisses and snacks and let them out to pee. Some weirdo who said he was from Vancouver tried to follow me when I was walking to the bus downtown, I walked fast and he started yelling "Hey! YOU!" Arg! This is the second weekend in a row I have felt threatened by a man on the streets. I consider myself to have street smarts though, I walked to the bus mall and was prepared to yell for the security guard and I put a key in my fist so I could punch him in the face and have a stabby thing to hurt him. But luckily he didn't keep following me.

I did take self defense but so far I haven't had to go apeshit on someone. I am prepared to though, I am just waiting for them to take the first swing. Then it's open season on their ass. I don't want to tempt the fates though, but I am ready.

As Spongebob Squarepants says "I'm ready! I'm ready! I'm ready!"

I went to the Field House and worked out, did 30 minutes on the treadmill, going 3.5mph for ten minutes of it, went 1.5 miles, then I did 20 minutes on the elliptical. The elliptical works more of my body because I do the Mix3 mode and it has upper body exercises too, but it doesn't burn as many calories for me as the treadmill, oddly enough. Then we did ten minutes on the recumbent bike, which was a nice way to end the workout. I gained a pound since the last time I weighed myself. I don't know if it is muscle or beer.

Speaking of beer, I have begun to realize I don't care so much about getting drunk when I am out. I had four bottles of beer last night and that was one beer too many, and tonight I had two pints and I was done. Came home with ten bucks still in my pocket. That's good because it means tomorrow I can get some pop and chips, my original needs!

I used to tell my mum when I was a kid "I have needs!" And by needs I meant pop and chips. I guess when I was 18 those needs turned into beer and marijuana, which used to be fun but have long since lost their luster. Now I am ready to go back to the original needs. I used to have one small bag of chips and one glass bottle of coke everyday. Or rootbeer, or some other pop. I could get used to that routine again. It wasn't so bad. I was a pretty skinny kid too, because I would bike for an hour everyday in the summer and when I had Wesley, my golden retriever, I would walk him for an hour everyday, even in the horriblest winter weather. And still I had sugary pop and chips all the time.

Once a day anyway.

I am glad to hear again about my future relationships. People keep saying "But you can change it right?" because my psychic said I would fall off the wagon and issues would come up again and I would have a breakup with my next girlfriend. But I dunno, it seems inevitable. And now I feel bad for saying my next relationship won't last forever, because who's gonna want to be THAT relationship???? The doomed one. No, it still might be a lovely relationship, and I am sure I won't regret being close to someone again. Who knows, maybe I will get a girlfriend determined to prove my psychic wrong.

What was interesting was her saying it should have happened already, it's just these "moths" that I have to stop paying attention to and waiting for. She also said I was going to face some tests, where these moths want to spend time with me and I have to say no because nothing is going to happen anyway. So strange! I hope I smarten up and don't let myself get sucked into wishy washy thoughts of a future with someone who takes advantage of me and isn't good enough anyway.

On the bus home the bus driver stopped and asked me if I could smell something burning. Then when I was about to get off he was like "Are you sure you don't smell something? It smelled like marijuana." I was so glad I haven't smoked for 24 days, because I would be all paranoid that he could smell it on me. Speaking of smelling pot, I could smell it when we finished our workout in the Field House. Laurel says she always smells pot there. I have a feeling a lot of people get stoned and then work out. Ha ha ha, too funny. I remember being that stoner!

In my concurrent disorders group they have this thing where you have to play the tape to the end, and by that they mean you can't just say something fun about doing drugs or alcohol, you have to go all the way through to the consequences of your actions. So yes, the consequences for me of getting stoned were losing jobs, a nice place to live, stopping hanging out with some friends who didn't smoke up, losing my energy and motivation and having a dreadful lack of hygiene. I have to remember these things.

I don't want to fall off the wagon. I hope I don't. And even though my psychic said I would, I am not going to use that as an excuse to get ripped again. I've been doing pretty good but I am not going to be overconfident.

You take the good you take the bad

My roommate situation has worsened again. He got drunk Wednesday night and in true Steven Paul fashion kept us up most of the night with his loud music and intermittent screaming. I wrote a message to my Mom which she hasn't responded to still that I had had enough and wanted him to be kicked out. The next morning she said she was going to tell him he had to get out or go to treatment, but that isn't good enough for me. I don't give a shit if he ever sobers up, he can die drunk in a gutter for all I care, I just want him out of my house for good. I don't want to have any more sleepless nights, no more hiding my booze and my purse because if he is drunk he will do anything humanly possible to try and get more booze and get even more drunk. Anyway, then Mom went to Halifax, so I was left with the drunk for the weekend.

And he got drunk again last night on two litres of cider and talked to himself in the kitchen and turned his music up loud and was generally an asshole again. He tried to walk away with a nearly full beer of mine and when I took my last two beers to my room to hide he went around counting my empties and trying to find my other two beers, but he didn't. It was really frustrating, especially since I am bipolar and getting enough sleep is SUPER crucial to my mental well being. So I sent Mom another message that said if she didn't kick him out I was going to stab him to death, because I really do get violent angry thoughts when my sleep is being disturbed. I don't want to have to stab him to death, I am mostly a pacifist, but it's not like it would be a big loss to society anyway considering what a useless drunk he is. I am just SO MAD!

Okay, so I probably won't stab him. Probably. But I make no guarantees. Either way I want Mom to finally grow a pair and throw the douchebag the fuck out of the house. It's not healthy for me and she is pushing ME out of the house if she doesn't get rid of him, because I simply cannot and will not live with the motherfucker anymore. I don't give a fuck if he does go to treatment, he doesn't give a shit when he falls off the wagon, he never has to deal with consequences of his drinking and it is not fair! He should go to brief and social detox and then treatment and then a sober living facility, we are not a motherfucking group home for wayward alcoholics!

Anyway, the good thing that happened this week is I did see my psychic. She didn't say anything about the alcoholic cousin, hopefully because the obvious will happen and he will get kicked out or I will find a better place to live. But she did tell me my career would do well, I just have to reach out more and she gave me advice about how to get actors to be in my stuff and so on and so forth. And she also said this interesting thing about how she couldn't figure out my relationship status because I had what she called "moths" who flit around and like getting attention from me, but she doesn't like any of them and says I won't get anything from them, it will go no where, and that I can't spend time with them if they do want to hang out with me. She said I have to stop looking at people's potential and see them for who they are right now. And she said I have to balance out my outward tough appearance with my inner soft core, because I am not attracting the right people the way it is now and I will finally start attracting the right people when I fix that. It makes sense. She says these people take advantage of me and I have to stop letting people do that. She also said I would get into my next serious relationship in roughly 8 to 9 months, and that it would last a while but end when I fall off the wagon and issues come up again. BUT then two years after that I will meet someone and it will be good. And it will last for the rest of my life. She also said this interesting thing about a fight with a female relative a while ago and how it left a big hole in my aura and that I need to talk with her and say what I mean. I know exactly who she is talking about, and hopefully we will have a conversation this weekend.

Last night I had a dream I was smoking cigarettes. The other night when Steven got drunk I dreamt I smoked pot. And I felt so guilty, I was like "Aw shit, now I have to start that three weeks again!" Clearly this shows that stress makes me think about my old comrades the cigs and weed. Dammit. I don't want to think about them at all.

It is now day 24 without weed! :D I'm a little down, and I haven't worked out much this week. That might have something to do with it. I know I am still withdrawing, it sucks. Withdrawals! Bleh. I want to be happy again dammit. Living with an alcoholic isn't any good either, it has amped up my stress and anger and diminished my mental health. I am considering if it is time to go back to the hospital, because making a plan to stab someone to death, as annoying as they are, isn't a normal thing. I probably won't do it, but what if I do?? What if his stupid asshole drinking pushes me over the edge one night? Eeep! He needs to go live at the Salvation Army with his blind alcoholic brother if he wants to keep drinking. I've had it.

Sunday Drivers!

On Sunday I had my first driving class, everyone was like "Have fun driving!" but it was the in class portion where we just sat around hearing about the rules of the road and the Graduated Licensing Program and watched some gory videos about what happens when you text and drive and hitting deer on the road and some goofy drunks falling on their heads in front of the police. It was pretty good really, even though I already saw the texting video because it circulated on facebook a while back. Our instructor is going to Ecuador for ten days, so we won't be doing any in car hours until after the 20th when he comes back, but then I have six hours with him. The last two hours are the two hours just before the road test which he is gonna schedule for us and so hopefully by the time we do the test we won't be so nervous. It's a really good idea. And we will get to use his car for the road test. Excellent! It's First Nations Driving Academy, my Mum saw their car in town a while back and wanted me to try with them, but I couldn't find them in the phone book. Not a surprise since the business is up north actually, but he comes down to work for Saskatoon Tribal Council, who is paying for me to take this course.

And since I quit smoking up I will actually be able to practice driving with my mom. I won't be spending my days being intoxicated and thus unable to drive! Woot woot! I'm happy about that. The road test will happen before March 31st, so hopefully I will have my license in April! Awesome!

My new bra is irritating my back and I can't find my old bra. It's distressing me because now I have a sore on my back and it hurts. I've never had a bra make a raw spot before!!!!

Tomorrow morning I am learning Social Media for my Company at Praxis. I hope I wake up in time. After that I am going to see my psychic at noon. I am bringing my laptop so I can record the session with Garage Band. I'm really excited, I am hoping it will give me some direction and let me know if the decisions I am making now are the right ones. I am pretty sure they are, deciding to quit weed is fairly substantial and was necessary. It was long overdue, I just wasn't ready until I did quit almost three weeks ago. I was waffling and wavering on it for a long time. I knew it wasn't good for at least three years, but I didn't have that inner consensus about quitting until nineteen days ago. I still have some weed left, but it's in the vaporizer which is being given away soon to a friend of my mom's. And my mom is holding onto it and it's hidden in her room somewhere. Either way, I quit while I still had a titch left, and that actually felt kind of good, because I wasn't quitting with absolutely nothing.

I had this funny dream last night that I was heading to the altar expecting to marry some blonde dream woman who I was supposedly in love with, but when I got there my past big love was waiting for me and I was happy to see her. It was kind of funny because when I woke up I was like "Wait, that's not right! I'm trying to get over her!" And anyway, I don't think it will come true, because she does treat me bad when I try to be nice to her. So whatever, it must just be some weird subconscious thing.

A brain fart.

Mister and Beatrix Kitty are on my bed all curled up and sleeping, the little sweeties. Beatrix isn't pissing around on everything anymore, unless I don't take the laundry out of the basket quick enough, but my friend Carrie who I have been hitting the gym with lots and I agree that it's probably because she views laundry baskets as cozy litter boxes. She's not doing it maliciously anyway. Little Mister still barks too much, but he wasn't too bad tonight.

I finally got my grant cheque today! I was so excited, I went down to a Sasktel Mobility store to get my iPhone 4S and found out Sasktel wants a $500 deposit from me first! :O FOCK! So since most of my cheque has a hold on it, I am gonna wait until next week. I can wait a week longer. But I did get some gym runners, which are SWEET! And I got Microsoft Office for my laptop, so now I can read and write word documents, kind of a crucial piece of software for me, considering how much I like to write. PLUS I can now use Excel and Powerpoint too. Woot woot!

I've been having trouble configuring my email on my computer, first it would send emails but not receive any, now it receives but won't send. WTF? Something about my password not being right. What the hell!!!!????? ARG! I can figure it out, I know I can, it's just gonna take me a couple more hours. I have resolved to use webmail until tomorrow night when I will work on the damn thing some more. I gotta get it sorted.

Work is work. I have to really get cracking on it. I'm behind where I was hoping to be by now, but I can catch up.

The roommate situation has slightly improved, although the day I deleted my dealer's number he was drunk and pestering me to get him some ecstasy, and of course I told him "I deleted his number" but still he assumed I got E or something because I had money. I didn't though. There have been warnings about bad E going around that has meth in it and is killing people. So I'm turned off by it now. I wasn't ever a hardcore ecstasy user anyway though, it's not a major loss for me. Anyway, now he is talking about getting help for his addiction, and Mum is looking into a treatment centre in Lethbridge that was recommended to her by a social worker we know. The one here wouldn't be very good for him apparently. But she said when he comes back we might have to have a dry house, which is a major bummer for me because drinks cost more money if you have them in a bar or pub. And I like sitting at home and surfing the net with a beer in my hand. Sigh. Not all the time, just sometimes it is nice to have a six pack in the fridge.

Anyway, I still want to move out. I was thinking of moving out in a year when my business has had enough clients that I have enough in my business account to pay a minimum of three months wages for me, more would be better. But to have a guaranteed cushion of money to fall back on if I don't get clients for a while, that would be good.

I have to find the perfect place for Mister, Beatrix, my unknown roommate and myself though. A small house in a safe neighborhood with a fenced yard for Little Mister to frolic in. He really likes houses with yards, they make him happy. He'll wander around with his little tail wagging for no reason when he feels happy and secure in his housing, he gets depressed in apartments.

My inactive going nowhere crush resigned from working at my sister's group home, so I won't see her anymore. Kind of a bummer, I like seeing crushes even if they are never going to go anywhere anyway.

What else? Ah, not much else, I should go to bed because I do have to get up early and go to school and then my psychic and then do work work work. And then later on go to the gym and then go to bed again I guess.

OOOOHHHH! Nope, there is one other thing. I went to NA for the second time in my life yesterday night. There is a meeting in my neighborhood every Sunday at 8, so I went and I mostly liked it because it was a lot less sweary than the meeting I went to on Broadway. The only thing that left a bad taste in my mouth was this guy blaming all the women at the meeting for not helping out this other woman who was having a hard time and left before the meeting ended. I felt it was a bad way to end the meeting and just bad form all around. I didn't stick around for the birthday cake and I feel kinda weird. I might go back. I probably will go back. But the next meeting I am gonna try and get to is the SOS meeting, it's a Secular Sobriety meeting for people who don't feel they fit in with AA/NA etc. The only problem is it is only on twice a month, and I don't know if that is often enough for me right now. I am also going to still attend my Concurrent Disorders group, because I like that one and it is really supportive and there are professionals who work with us, I think one is a psych nurse and one is an addictions worker. Either way, it is more my speed and I can relate to the people there the best. And that is once a week every Friday. I am also ordering the Lifering workbook, which is another Secular Sobriety program that people can do on their own or attend meetings. There are no Lifering meetings in my area, but I read Empowering Your Sober Self and liked it, and their workbook is their other publication and I read selected chapters that they have as PDFs on their website and found it useful. So I'm going to see if it helps.

Well GOODNIGHT! I hope I have some awesome dreams! Getting my dreams back have been nice, they are slowly getting more and more frequent and clear. I remember them a lot better. Tonight I talked with one of my close friends, Robin, and it was really good and she was happy about all the changes in my life and that I am off weed. The only crappy thing about our conversation was how much her phone cut out! Oh well.

Well Fuck That!

It's Day 17! The end of Day 17. Last night I was around people smoking weed, and Budder, which is this super concentrated THC made from putting butane through marijuana buds and which costs ounce per ounce the same as gold. I was offered some, but I said no I quit and they said "Good for you" and that was that. It was pretty positive. I felt sort of tempted, but I didn't want to fall back into that old stupid habit. I don't want to be a chronic anymore and I know I can't be a social smoker, it's all or nothing with me.

I had a good chat on facebook tonight with a friend over this issue of being in love with someone who makes me feel stupid and dweeby. She said not to give that girl power over me in that way and that I should just concentrate on the good things that are happening in my life and that eventually hunnies would come when I am all sorted. It's true. I want to be open to falling in love with someone new, someone who doesn't make me feel like shit. Someone who isn't going to take off if I have mental health problems again, which to be honest I probably will. Maybe not as bad, but at some point I am gonna be depressed or ridiculously manic. It's just what I have to deal with. And I can't be with someone and promise I won't have those problems, because there's only so much I can do to stay healthy.

So fuck her and fuck that and to hell with being in love. I want to get rid of my feelings for her and move on and be open to someone more suited to me, not someone who's going to tell me I'm not good enough for her because I don't have whatever she defines as ambition. She doesn't even have an undergraduate degree, I don't know where she gets off talking about a lack of ambition on my part.

Good things that are happening: well, I was offered another contract dealing with some performance archival footage for a local artist run organization, and I start my drivers education tomorrow at noon. I am finally seeing my psychic on Tuesday, which is really exciting, I am ready to find out about my future and get some direction again, I am hoping it will help me work on my five year plan. My quitting cigarettes is still going well, I'm on 2mg lozenges and I don't have very many in a day, but I am still not ready to give them up completely. Like I said earlier I am on day 17 of no weed, and that is going well. And I am hitting the gym again tomorrow, which will be good for me, healthy. Make me happy. I've been going about five times a week or so, for an hour each time plus 20-30 minutes in the sauna after. It's been really good for my detoxing. The only thing is I haven't been knitting as much as I was for a while, it's like I replaced knitting with going to the gym, and I think I need some more balance. Knitting is really nice. Plus I did want a scarf. So I should get back to it.

I do have hope for my life, I think I am finally getting back on track with where I want to be. I just wanted to be healthy and to have motivation again and so on and so forth. I want to make my feature film and make other films and continue progressing with my life. I dunno, maybe I'm not even ready for a relationship, there is a lot of adjusting I have to do now that I am not a chronic. There is one other person I would totally have a long term relationship with, but she lives way too far away. Still, she is really nice and cute and sexy and oh sigh. I would totally import her to Canada if she was into it, but I don't think she is into it.

Plus, oh, I think I am not done experimenting. I want to try monogamy for a change. I think it would be nice to just be with one person, to devote all my loving and sexual energy to that one person and not be always pressured to keep looking for other lovers to make it fair that my partner has various other lovers. That really sucks. I'm kind of tired of poly relationships, I think they are a bit fake, and I just want to see if it would work out better for me to make a commitment to someone. One someone.

My friend made a point that my other dynamic was not very equal, and that is a concern. I need a more equal relationship, even for a submissive equality is important. I don't want to end up with someone who has some kind of superiority complex. That's really boring. I couldn't be a good submissive if I felt like garbage. I wouldn't feel safe enough to be that vulnerable. I guess some bottoms like being treated like trash, but I am not one of them, I like being highly valued, I think that's the way it should be.

Anyway, I have some shows coming up at the Mendel this year and next year, I am in the It Is What It Is show that the National Gallery of Canada did of their recent acquisitions, and they are showing it here. And this other curator approached me about showing a few videos in a couple years. 2013 or 2014. And I am sure I have other shows coming up other places.

So yeah, fuck this love that never loved me. I deserve way more. I'm tired of trying and being treated like crap. Surely there is someone out there who is looking for a Thirza, someone who would be so into the kind of person I am and the kind of relationship I want. I feel like no one has ever really satisfied me yet. They've come close, but really I would never get back together with any of my exes. They are exes for a reason. No one has ever totally explored my submissive tendencies and my masochism, for example. I always feel rejected when I mention things I would be so into and my lovers act like I am a freak.

Adjusting to my new life

It's now two weeks. One third of the way through the first heavy duty detoxing six weeks of being clean. I paid my debt to The Dude and deleted his number from my phone. I know if I was wiley I could get in touch with him again, it's really mostly symbolic, but symbolism helps. I did buy a 50 dollar bra, I went to my favorite bra store and got fitted (40D) and picked out this cute navy blue soft cup number with some white lacy accents. Then I bought a book called "Butch is a Noun" by S. Bear Bergman which I had seen around and which I read while waiting for The Dude to meet me and get his cash. It's really good, and especially relevant considering I am now making a video about being butch.

I've told my Mom that she can give my portable vaporizer to her friend who wanted it when I was done with it, and I am done with it.

There's not much else exciting about quitting. I went to the gym tonight and did my routine and then sat in the sauna and talked with my friend Carrie. Working out that hard elevated my mood, which was really good for me. I'm really getting into it.

Introductions to the weight room jumped from 30 bucks to 47! :O Woah! Still, I do want to learn, so when some more cash comes in I will fork it over.

I figured out exactly how to properly rip a DVD for FCP X, I just have to buy the software. I was doing an experiment with the trial software and it worked, but it puts a watermark on the video so it was just a test. Either way, I am glad because now I can finally get to work and rack up some billable hours.

I'm needing to find a good place to do my work. Someplace quiet, where Coronation Street isn't on.

My grant money is supposed to come in on Friday or Monday. I need to buy the plane ticket soon, before the fares go up up up. I guess I should also check my passport and find out when it expires. The folks in Australia didn't get their funding, so it looks like I am not going after all. Maybe that is a good thing, I can't really afford a trip to Australia AND a month in Germany in one year. Not yet anyway.

I'm seeing my psychic in less than a week! :D I'll get to know my future! And if I should just let this one thing go or not. I really need to know. My friends told me I wouldn't let it go even if she told me I should. Maybe they are right. But at least then I would be aware it was hopeless.

I don't know the next step in my recovery. I guess I could go to 12 step meetings, but I don't really like AA or NA. I'm going to my concurrent disorders group again on Friday. They are pretty helpful. I'm still reading that website with a page for each of the first 30 days. Today it was about deep breathing and "taking a breather" when one is stressed out. I suppose I could write about my feelings in my diary, the feelings I don't express in my blog.

I'm so relieved my debt is paid and that I deleted his number. It was weighing on me. Now I feel like I can move on.

Spring is coming soon and I am still not done my friggin' scarf. Dammit! I'll be done it for next year, next year I will have the nicest warmest scarf ever!

Depression! For no good reason except it is day 13!

UGH! Day 13 and I slipped into a funk later in the day. This evening I went for a really long walk with Shavonne and talked about a bunch of things and THAT was good, it wasn't as hardcore as the elliptical, I mean I wasn't sweating, but it did cover a whole wide area and we walked up one side of the river and down the other and over two bridges. It was good. It brought me up a little, but I can tell this little slump might hang around for a bit. I could go see my psychiatrist to get my antidepressants upped, but I am going to try and wait it out and see if it gets better or worse.

Detoxing sucks! If this is the only major side effect I get from coming off of weed, then that's pretty good really. I know how to deal with depression. But it's rough on my outlook and energy, it almost feels like being stoned and depressed, and I was quitting to get away from that shit. It's supposed to be pretty common to get depressed. Blah! I'm just keeping on with my medications and hoping my mood stabilizers and antidep helps me out here.

I spent my 15 bucks and 13 I borrowed from Mom on a yoga mat. I am going to try and do some yoga in the mornings with the Namaste lady on tv. Namaste, bitches! I'm also meaning to do a drop in yoga class.

I was reading about other issues people have with withdrawals. Sweating, bad dreams, upset stomachs, loss of appetite. None of that has happened to me so far. So I guess I am doing pretty good really! I'm not really having anxiety either. I do have a bit of a case of the dumbs though, which bums me out. Like I'll be sitting with my mom and I won't know what to talk about. Or she'll try to start a conversation and I can't hold up my end of it very well, which is what I was like when I used. I guess I am distracted by all these feelings.

Tomorrow I get paid for February, and I can finally pay off an old drug debt and then take my next MAJOR step of deleting my dealer's number from my phone. That will make me super happy. I think I'm ready. I'm glad I get paid tomorrow, I really need it. I need to give myself some kind of reward by getting something that isn't drugs. I was thinking of buying a new 50 dollar bra or something. Something that would make me feel good. I also want to get an iPhone, but I might wait until the end of February when my business gets some money coming in, since it's actually a business expense. I'm going to consider very carefully what to do with my money. Something life affirming I think. The bra is a pretty good idea. Maybe some runners too, for the gym. And 30 bucks for an introduction to the weight room at the field house. See, I don't even know what to do with extra dollars! What do I do? I used to always spend my cash on marijuana. Or booze. But I don't even feel like drinking booze, and I'm trying really hard to avoid cross addiction.

Actually, this is the time when I should get my next tattoo. Cherry blossoms on a branch on my left arm. I've been planning it for years and it has a deep meaning which is very relevant to my life at this moment in time. I used to get depressed every winter in Vancouver when the city was covered with a grey slate sky dripping rain, and I would promise myself not to make drastic decisions like suicide until the cherry trees blossomed. And of course by then there was sun and my depression would lift and I wouldn't want to kill myself anymore. They always felt like hope to me. So I really want them on my arm, I just never had the extra cash to get it. But I guess I do now. I should do some research and find a good artist, hopefully a female artist because up till now all my tats have been inked by women. It would be a fitting end to my self destructive twenties which extended into my early 30's.

I'm anticipating it taking about four hours, that's roughly 400 bucks plus tip. It will probably take a couple sessions because I've only ever been able to sit for two and a half hours on a good day.

Well, I guess I should get some sleep. Thank god for my night meds, because they have spared me the horrors of withdrawal related insomnia! And even if there is some insomnia I always have back up Trazodone! :D