Covert Studies

I don't honestly remember why I started studying covert operations. Maybe I was just fascinated and horrified by this seamy underworld of megalomaniacs. I had to know how it worked. I studied just about everything I could get my hands on, disinformation, Illuminati, One World Order, espionage, cults, abuse, various military programs like MONARCH and MKULTRA. I read about all these bizarre underground experiments to make like super human fighters, where they would take people and throw them out of helicopters to see if they could survive the fall yet. It was insanity, I couldn't believe they would do so much stupid shit just to rule the world. I mean, why? What kind of a boring world would that be? And you know, some of the stuff I read was FAR OUT stuff. But I always applied it to the Nazi Holocaust, because then I could see it as a case study really, in a sick way. We know the Nazi's were horrible, but still they did an insane amount of stuff before getting stopped. How? Why? I looked at all the mistakes they made, I read every shred I could find. Apparently the war ended when they found out about Cabbala and realized it was useful, there was a turn coat. Before that they didn't honestly believe there was much use to the Jewish people. And still, all the other people murdered in the holocaust don't get much press. I mean, you don't hear about the Roma, or the homosexuals, or the communists, or the disabled. Did you know after the camps were liberated, the homosexuals were kept imprisoned? They weren't ever allowed to be free. They stayed there and died there.

But they really used the complicity of the people to uphold their empire. I mean, Hitler did do some useful things for the German people, which is why so many people followed him. He implemented the Autobahn, he invented the Volkswagen. He was also a failed artist and put on a show of modern art called the Degenerate Art Show, but everyone loved it. I wonder what would have happened if he'd been allowed to just paint somewhere and make bad art and leave us alone. But he was just a figurehead, there were people who used him because he was a good spokesperson. He could rile people up. He wasn't the only one thinking that way. And common people who supported him when he was working on their behalf had no idea how to stop supporting his party after it went all fucked up. It's like, they had made a promise to support that and they didn't know how to admit they made a mistake. So they just kept on with it. Stones from The River by Ursula Hegi is probably the best novel about the rise and fall of Nazism, because it's a story from someone who watches it all unfold. And Ursula Hegi is a German, which is why I liked it, I mean, she knows the importance of telling that story, while a lot of Germans still don't know how to relate to that part of their history. I mean, it is really amazing the way they've incorporated it into their lives though, they don't try to completely deny it, except for the Neo Nazis. At Sachsenhausen one of the barracks was set on fire by some neo nazis who wanted to destroy the evidence, and it was so amazing how they dealt with that. They preserved the burned structure of that barrack and made it into a museum, so even that arson was preserved as part of the history of that place. It's really quite fascinating.

So yes, covert operations. Numbers stations fascinated me, I listened to them all the time, I didn't have the pad so they were all nonsensical, but they were still fascinating to listen to. I mean, a whole shortwave station that is only transmitting to one spy, wow. And anyone can hear it. So I guess, this is my numbers station, only without the codes. Actually, that's not true, I threw some codes in here but I don't know if the people will pick them up or not.

But it seemed like they made some dumb mistakes. Like trying to enslave spirits, now that is a dumbass mistake. And basically all the ways they used magic was guaranteed to backfire. I was always like, why would the Skull and Bones people take Geronimo's head? Don't they know what his mission is? But it is brilliant, I mean of all the moles to have, you'd pick Geronimo. He just sits there and watches, and then he starts talking. I don't know if he has started talking yet, but he's a brilliant military strategist so he could be feeding them disinformation. I mean, fuck, eventually all these things start repatriating themselves. They don't wait around forever. So I realized they were making stupid mistakes with the pretend magic they got to play with.

When I was much younger I read a lot of occult stuff, magic, rituals, universal law, etc etc. I was going to be a Wiccan but I got bored, probably because I was reading the New Age Wiccan stuff, and it was like "Don't ever hurt anyone or it will come back to you." And that is a good law, I mean, most people here do live by that law.

But then I found out about my friend's Rede which was like, as it harm none, do as thou will, as it harm some, do as thou must. And it didn't make any sense to me at the time, why hurt people? But then I found out that the Rede comes from the old Craft, when they were being persecuted. I mean, they DID have to hurt people, you can't just take that kind of stuff. It would be nice if no one had to get hurt, but then some people really just use that general spiritual law against people, so people get hurt and don't realize that it means they have permission to fight back. I mean, Jesus didn't die to absolve people of sins, he died because people were sinning. He was never taking on people's crap, he just got caught in the crossfire of a police state. Only now we think it's a good thing to sacrifice yourself.

Not everyone can fight back honestly though, I mean, some people haven't been persecuted at all, or they've been persecuting other people as part of their liberation movement. Like feminists who bash trans people, now that is persecution, that kind of shit is not okay. Just because you're fighting for the rights of one group of people doesn't give you the green light to oppress others in your struggle.

The Dalai Lama is on his last life. So am I actually, I think I'm pretty much finishing what I've been coming here to do. A lot of people are on their last lives right now, which is exciting. I mean, finally!

I remember when I was doing my residency at Video Pool in Winnipeg, Daniel Barrow and I were having lunch and I got CIA Diary by Phillip Agee, and he started teasing me. Because I was just starting a course in Native Lit. Daniel said "April Raintree was good, but not as good as CIA Diary by Phillip Agee." Bitch! It was an interesting book though. And no, I never did read April Raintree. I did grow up with Maria Campbell and Winona Wheeler and various other intensely strong Native women, which was fun. I would be really quiet and small so that I could hang out with them and listen to all their stories. They used to sit at kitchen tables and talk, and laugh, they could make you pee your pants they were so funny. And they would call me the old lady, because I always hung around them. I didn't care much for kids my own age, except for a few of them. A lot of boys mostly, I grew up with the guys. I used to go down the street and my friend Michael would play the accordian for me while his mom was getting electrolysis.

In the gifted program we did have a Muslim classmate, and I remember the teacher was baffled during Ramadan because he had to fast during the day and he got all unhappy and hungry and she was like "Why don't you just eat?" And he said "I can't!" Poor little guy. He did share a whole bunch of food with us at the end of Ramadan though, which was cool. I liked knowing a few things about his faith, just because then we could understand him on his own terms. And people did respect him. I wasn't very respected, but the other aboriginal in our class was, but she ran out the window one day and never came back. She's becoming a police officer now, last time I ran into her.

When I was in the ward there was a Muslim man in there too, a few actually, and people were pretty horrid to them which was gross. There was another boy who would be quiet and then suddenly he would start growling and say "Excuse me." Actually, most of the people in there were going through a spiritual awakening, they were pretty fascinating people to be around. I think I got into shit because I was riling them up to take over the hospital, actually, and so they made an example out of me. And people kept falling in love, it was like, ugh, leave me alone. Oh well. I mean, better to have a bunch of people fall in love though. And then I'd be doing all these drawings and someone would say "Did you know" and then tell me some obscure fact that made a hell of a lot of sense. When I started drawing Anubis my psychiatrist kind of freaked out. I honestly didn't know it was Anubis, I was just drawing stuff out.

I don't mind that I burnt it all, I remember it pretty well, so that's good enough for me.

But really, Illuminati stuff is irritating. But the only way it survives is by staying secret, which is basically the weakness of the group, it's the fatal flaw. And people have left the Illuminati, I mean, high profile trainers have just up and walked, and they get into shit. If you did want to read that stuff, Svali explains it all, but again, it's pretty traumatizing. You can go crazy reading about it, or else just demand yourself to wake up to stop it, which I think is really what I was doing. But I was trying to figure out how to help RA survivors, because I know most of them are good at heart, they just got trapped in something. And so that's how I ended up learning about psychopaths. Because those are the people that can keep that stuff going, they don't have empathy so they don't really see why they are doing bad things. Pretty much everyone else has the tools at their disposal to walk away, except for shame that seems to enslave them. You can't be ashamed of things someone else made you do. Or that you just didn't know was wrong because no one taught you. I mean, obviously it is important to people to try and make amends, but that's hard for most, especially if they don't want to remember what they did wrong or why it would hurt someone. And especially if they don't know why they did it in the first place.

I have made mistakes, of course, but whatever. That's part of learning. It's when you keep making the same mistake over and over that you get silly. And most covert operations really are the same silly mistake being used over and over.

When I was a little kid one time I told my mum "Every song has a message." And I think she was like "That's nice kid, of course they do." And I was like "No, a message for ME." Yeah. And it's true, that's where the best codes were found.