fucking hell

Fucking hell, do I ever hate colonialism. Especially today. I'm deeply suspicious, and I hate feeling like that. I'm realizing that when I had my psychotic episode and got hospitalized I became locked into one state of being for a VERY long time, like four years. And that doesn't mean four years of being in an ordinary state, that was like four years of being in the underworld. Ugh!! And now I'm getting out of it and I have no one to talk to because a lot of new stuff is happening which is very unusual in this culture I got stuck with. I'm being a very critical thinker though, which is good. But mostly I'm talking to more spiritual friends of mine who kind of get it. I guess I am having a spiritual emergence right now, which is corresponding to various states of spiritual emergence including kundalini awakening, shamanic crisis, unitive consciousness, psychic opening, and psychological renewal through central archetype. Which can all be found on this page here.

I'm doing well with it, I think. I'm keeping myself grounded by walks and doing physical labour, I'm still taking all my vitamins and so on, I'm trying to spend more time in nature. My body is changing on me and that's weird, things flare up and go away. I'm more sensitive to certain things, like foods and sounds. I'm just trying to make sure I pay attention to the physical side of living and don't drift away for good. I think I'm doing well on that front, I'm maintaining myself decently, still care enough to wash and clean and look after all the animals. I'm temporarily having a moratorium on the news, but I glance at it now and then. I feel pretty safe actually, since I'm on my home territory. I don't feel like I have too much energy. I'm having trouble absorbing new information though, there's a lot being worked out internally that's taking up all the space. And then there is sort of a mystical undercurrent, but I'm not confusing it with this world which is good.

I'm ridiculously shy again, which is kind of funny. Maybe that's just self preservation though. Sometimes I get ridiculous shivers up and down my body, or get super hot or super cold. It's definitely not as highly dramatic as the first presentation, but I was in a state of extreme distress at the time. There are some other things showing up that I need to talk to someone about, but that person would have to be pretty conscious, I don't want to explain it to someone with a tiny view, it would be too weird for both of us. There are at least two people who are kind of acting like spiritually aware bumper cars who keep pushing me back to a decent spot, and that's really good. But without being evil, I mean they don't tell me to fuck off to the bin, which is good. I've been reading everything I can on what to expect, you'd be surprised how much information is on the web about spiritual emergence. There's actually a very good blog called Spiritual Emergency which is written by someone who's been there.

I also found out there's more than 7 chakras, fucking hell. I mean, in all the images it just spirals out after the crown and then that's it, but it's not true. There's five more!! Really though, I do feel pretty secure, just confused. But not nearly so terrified as when it first happened in Montreal. I'm not in the heavy dark stuff really, which is where I was at the beginning. I'm trying to put some kind of more individual spiritual practice in my life so I can express it somehow without setting up a yin yang ritual with the damn salt and pepper in front of company. Which I'm not doing this time, but it would be something I would have done in Montreal. No impulse control then. Maybe I'm just walking on tip toes. And this time I have no interest in getting into the deep stuff I'm thinking about with everyone, this is kind of just me right now, and some close friends. Plus I'm sure I'm healing a lot of stuff and I don't really want to bring up something that's entirely specific to me and has no relevance to anyone else.

It's a funny process. It's the physical effects in my body that are the strangest though, I'm really not used to that, and I was never taught how this stuff happens but apparently it's nothing out of the ordinary for this experience. So that's good.

Weirdness fo sure!