Friday, March 16, 2007

Healing, continued

Wow, my body is so detoxing right now. Ever since I talked to my auntie, I felt all this stuff just start to come right out of my pores, and it started out smelling, like my mom said, stagnant water, and then it smelled really awful after a while. I took a longish bath in water with sea salt in it, and it seemed to ground my energy really well. I've lost a lot of fear today especially, I think because I feel like I know how to articulate certain things now in ways that are relevant to people, and that is a relief. Sometimes it feels like I have so much to say and I feel so agitated about it because I feel I don't have enough time to say it before I get dragged away by the cops. I think that kind of extreme pressure is what made me crack, I felt in Montreal that my living situation was so untenable, and so much was happening in the world, that I had to get enlightened like, right now!!! And so I forced a process, in a way. I hope people don't feel that pressure, I think there are enough people right now on the planet who have woken up in their own ways that things aren't as dodgy as they were before the war started, although it probably doesn't feel like that to some people. But believe me, letting it happen slowly and naturally is better, certain things have to be absorbed in certain orders for it to be okay.

And I know, it feels like there's this intense hierarchy, and you have to get to the top as fast as possible because then people won't hurt you anymore. But there is no hierarchy, not in life and not in the awakening process. Or healing process. Whatever you want to call it. I mean obviously someone did put in a crap hierarchy, but it's so bunk.

I really like that word bunk right now. It's like a slam on something, but in a cute way. It's better than saying something is shit. Colonialism is so bunk man!

I did one mandala today, and it was really good, just the process itself is calming, because you can't do it in a rush, it's thoughtful. I did it with mostly symbols of various things, but I think it's going to end up getting quite abstract in the end.

I think what was so upsetting about the hospital is that no one seemed able to really, I mean REALLY understand how traumatizing it was to me. It felt like if I talked about it people either didn't want to listen or decided to argue with me that it was for my own good, and that really was unsettling, because they didn't understand the extreme abuse I endured not only in the hospital but also from the people around me, it felt really rejecting and it felt hateful, there wasn't anywhere for me to turn for compassion, and it isolated me further from humanity. I don't think it's in anyone's place to tell someone that the hospital was a positive force in their life, because of that last word, FORCE. Studies have shown that coercive treatment often has a deleterious and detrimental effect on the psyche of people who are victimized by the process. I kind of understand why residential school survivors have wanted an apology, a proper apology, but at this point I'm well aware that an apology for psychiatric ritual abuse isn't coming for me. And I don't want to wait for it so I can heal. And I don't have to forgive anyone for it either, because if someone doesn't apologize you really don't have to forgive them. That's just some weird crap that lets people off the hook for their shit.

I know there is one particular person in my history who has kept putting his shit on me and I have no idea why, I'm not related to him in anyway, he just shows up all the time and demands stuff from me or steals stuff or I hear him beating his girlfriends or I hear people telling me about getting raped by him and somehow, fuck. I don't know, people forgive him all the time because he plays the victim card really well. Being victimized isn't an all access pass to victimizing other people. And I don't know why people let his shit slide so easily, and sometimes I wonder if it's because he's a man, albeit a very broken one. I once read where he called a rape a grey area misunderstanding, and I was so fucking pissed off. There isn't a grey area to rape. But what appalled me was all these people saying "Yeah, you go bro." Ugh.

I'm getting more strict about who I allow in my life these days. I know there are certain people I often feel, I guess I get a bad "vibe" off of them, but it seems more related to feeling judged as kind of a garbage throw away person. And I have an intense amount of empathy, so I do feel things off of people. I'm also starting to realize I can't handle large crowds well, and not because I'm afraid of people, but because I pick up their energy, and it's often very scattered and angry and fearful. And I am also realizing that I took on a lot of trauma vicariously from people who have been in my life. And some of that is hard to deal with, I mean how do you heal from something that happened to someone else? But I'm realizing that people might come to me to tell really intense stories to, and sometimes I'm just not able to hear it. And it's not that I don't care, it's just that I'll take on that story too and it's very difficult for me. I think I need to figure out how to identify people that they can talk to instead of me, I don't want to shut them out.

I think I'm doing well though, I feel like I just had to finish something I got frozen in. Just before the meds hit I was starting to say things about Venice and Mesoamerica, but I had no idea why afterwards. I do now. And I think it's just, for me, kind of an interesting little quirk, and it's not so, hmm, scary. Or overwhelming. I think it's one of those beliefs that can seem rather benign, it is benign essentially. Maybe benign is the wrong word, because that implies inert or something. I guess it makes sense to me and it feels like it places me in an order of things where I really didn't feel like I fit in to any kind of an order before.

It's a scary thing, to feel not only that there is no place to fit in and also that people hate you because you don't fit in. I think being kind of uncategorical frustrates people around me too, and that's really strange. So much of two spirited history and so on was lost, and it's always really upset me because I feel like whether it's a woman's ceremony or a man's ceremony I am always standing outside looking through the window. I don't want people to think that this is all aboriginal people though, there have been a lot of people I've met who get it, totally, and it's nice because then I can relax enough around them to be goofy. But otherwise I often feel like people just demand that I explain myself, my identity, my history, and that explanation takes a fucking long time!!!

I think something else which always upset me was when I'd like someone who seemed to be waiting for a man to come and save them, because I'd always feel like "But I am a man!! But not! But I am! Arg!" It was so, I don't know, it often felt like being invisible in a way. And same thing if people look at me and don't see this female part either. I think people have a hard time with the idea that both can live in one body. I remember one thing that pissed me off about going to queer film fests is that often the men's sex program would run at the same time as the women's, and you had to choose, but what if you want to see fisting and cocksucking? No way man, and it's ironic because a lot of women do like watching guys go at it. That's just a funny aside though.

I think I'm beefing up my support network though, I seem to have a lot of people around to talk to, and I'm not scared of talking anymore. Although I still probably won't talk to people who are kind of stupid/mean, just because it feels like I'm either going to have to fight or be humiliated.

Anyway, I'm going to read a couple things on the process of detoxing your body and then go sleep. Sleep is coming really well right now.

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