Pushing way too hard

I have realized I am pushing myself too hard right now, and I know why, but it's not an insurmountable obstacle. And I think remembering who I was the last time I was here opened a whole bag of new issues, but I've also realized he made a point to end that cycle in his life and I'm a new cycle of I don't know what yet. But I think I can find my own inspirations. And I think I know why he tied himself to a certain historical figure, and I see the relevance and I don't mind being tied to it either.

But I also realized I have faith in a very different kind of God or what have you, something older than a male deity, and I am liking that a lot right now. I don't think it's appropriate for me to try to affix myself to a masculine archetype, because I really do feel I've aligned myself with women.

And it seems so frustrating, to be able to see the patterns of how things have happened and what people say versus what they do. But I think if I get caught up in it I'm going to stay at this level, and I'm not interested in that. I feel like there's more, I know there's more, and it's dizzyingly exciting to piece that together and get my head out of this kind of a place where so much war happens over stupid shit.

I guess one could say I've found faith again, and I had it in my last life and it let me do a lot of things that I couldn't have if I was hopeless. But I am also realizing I have to extricate myself from negative situations that push me over the edge, feeling like I have to PROVE something that's been proving itself over and over anyway and if you didn't get the message the first time, I dunno. I don't care to give it to you. If you want to go looking for it you'll find it, but I don't care to save anyone anymore. I just came back for something that seems so simple, but is so lovely. And I think I am starting to find a community of like minded people, but it's been difficult, and I am realizing certain people are going to stay behind, and they will keep perpetuating cycles of dischord, and hopefully if what my last lives were about worked then it will just stop on it's own. But I don't think I have to keep working at that particular issue, or at least not in that way. I think I have different issues I have to work out, and related to reviving something ancient.

All I want is a safe place for aboriginal people to undergo shamanic experiences. It's really so simple at it's basic level. And you don't even have to use the shaman word, it could just be spiritual awakening. I hate seeing our people reject everything because they truly believe the world is doomed. But more than that, I hate seeing people force the doom scenario on people who are trying to retain that little spark. I think the spark is good, I think it's important to our survival. I think people believing they will come back might change the way we're treating each other and the world. And I think if people do believe in a Mother instead of or in addition to a Father, women won't be in so much pain. I feel very saddened to see women being taken out of this idea of the divine, I think it's so wrong to me.

And I also think spiritual awakenings are maybe more violent these days because there is so much to heal from and because aboriginal people did get a lot of ritual abuse cult programming that in turn causes them to abuse other people. I think mystics knew what they were doing when they spent forty days in the desert, I think that's been a common piece of knowledge, that awakenings look really bizarre and that's why people hide when they are in them, because otherwise they get thrown into the psych ward and into a really abusive situation that causes extreme psychological damage. It's basically reinforcing cult programming, or colonialist programming if you like.

Cult programming has one idea forced into peoples heads that if they leave the cult they will go crazy and be forced to spend their lives in an institution. And I think colonialism is a cult, it's very cult like. The similarities are staggering. So I think when people decide to leave colonialism and start finding their old roots, that cult programming kicks in not only in the individual but also in the people around that individual. It's very sad, and frustrating. So I want to figure out a way that people can awaken/heal/flip out in a safe environment without family pressure to return to a certain way of being. I think as families we have been trained to reinforce certain colonialist dogma, and it's depressing. Families used to be so strong, and now they seem to be a source of great pain for people.

So I think in many ways I have wanted to hurry up and fix myself, but I realize the hurry up part causes all the trouble. And it sucks because I do want to tell an old story, but I don't think people are ready for it. So I will tell it to certain persons, and maybe write it down, and maybe some day people will want to know how we got here. But I honestly don't think people want to know, because it fucks up a lot of dualistic ideas people seem to be depending on, why I don't know because I see dualism as a significant rip in one's soul. But I'm not here for people's souls, just my own.

And the other thing too is that I am having deep emotions for someone, and it makes me want to be a better person so I can be with her, but I don't think that's the right way either. I think it looks like trying to force someone's hand and really I just want to see how she's feeling. Plus I can see an archetypal story being played out, but I don't want to love an archetype, I want to love a person, and neither do I want to replay the same story.

So I am in a strange position, I remember parts of my past, my deep past, but not all, and I am also having to start a whole new future for myself outside of that past. And I am also just rather confused, because if I ended the karmic cycle going on in that last life then what am I doing in this one? I guess you could say I am on some kind of cusp, but with life cycles. And at the same time I am haunted by things I'm watching being played out, certain lies being told about history, things getting rewritten right as they happen. And I think a lot of people are in that position right now, and so much seems to be at stake, and so much fear is getting amped up. And through it all we're being bullied into End of the World theories around 2012, but honestly, the world won't end. A new cycle will start up and things will change, but an end? No. There are other calendars after 2012, there are always new cycles and new beginnings. If I have any advice to impart at all it would be to put your words and actions into love and make sure that truth doesn't get forgotten. And also to make sure that women's history is preserved, because that's the other half of this story.